If you could start again what would you do differently?

[SnowWhitesSM]

Hi it's me again

Brief overview - I have two teens FT and h has his ds 8. He moved out a month or so ago. When we got married dh came down with a huge case of the nrp dad guilt which infected our marriage and caused lots of problems. I became very resentful of his parenting and his son. Hs parenting is pretty normal apart from he gives the decision making power to his son. I believed for ages that I was a monster and it was my fault but actually his processes are wrong. I desperately wanted us to be a team and for us to be a family but at the time hs guilt and anxiety couldn't allow this. I had never been as miserable as what I was when we were living together and his son was around. I cannot do that to myself again.

So h is desperate that we don't split up. He's starting a CBT group for his anxiety and wants us to go back to counselling. I really want my marriage to work. I want to include his son and I want us both to be a team around all the dc. I want the flipping Waltons ffs.

So we're going to go to marriage counselling and get back to basics. We're going to have a year apart to work on ourselves. He is not to blame for everything that went wrong but he's the root of it. I'm not saying that to shift blame as I am responsible for my own words and actions when feeling hurt/rejected ect but it all stems from his dad guilt and giving decision making power to his son.

What do I need from him to be happy being a step parent? What works for you? How do I explain how to be a team with him?

@RoyKentsChestHair your friend sounds incredibly wise !!! That was incredible advice given and I glad you got out.

@SnowWhitesSM echoing all sass and Roy has said here by buckets. There is going to be towing and forthing for a bit, when you know you can do it, you will ! Always takes a few attempts at any rate so don't be so hard on yourself.

Try to stay close to your emotions, let them out if you can and please don't beat yourself up, my god the holidays are a nightmare.

You have done so well, you don't realise that you have made so much progress to get to this place !!! Well bloody done !!!

Your biggest incentive to proceed with ending it and divorcing is protecting your assets financially.

I can predict he will moan about his flat and the inequality etc etc. He wants back in your home with his easy life.

You will get there, he will continue to disappoint to blame it all on you, take no responsibility or accountability for himself.

KOKO

@SnowWhitesSM it’s good that your home is a happy place again. Hold onto that, for you and your children. It’s step one.

Step two? There is no fire underneath you now. Your focus is to build your strength up (easier to do now your space is yours) and start your counselling. Professional insight is invaluable.

He won’t leave you alone. They don’t. He had a nice set up with you and he wants that back.
Also (and I say this nicely), you can’t quite leave him alone either. As my counsellor said to me, I was complicit in the cycles of reconciliation I went through with my ex and he’s absolutely right, I was.

That link on trauma was the most interesting article/ piece I have read. And it’s helped me understand what I’m actually doing, when months later I have a deep longing to just see him/ hug him. When in actual reality, I really don’t. The thought of him touching me now? Repulses me.

The human body is a strange and wonderful thing.

You're right sassbot, I cant leave him alone either. Otherwise I would.

I'm not going to be hard on myself, it is what it is. When I'm ready I'll be ready.

The journalling is really helping me see his behaviour as his behaviour and not a reflection on me or my fault. I'm going to keep on with that and keep planning lovely things to do with my dc and my friends and see what happens.

I might keep posting on here but I am conscious of posting similar things over and over again. It's like I can see it but I don't do anything about it and I know that's frustrating for those looking in.

But perhaps posting on here helps?

I would get evidence of the date he moved out such as removing him from the Council Tax. You need to protect yourself financially for when you divorce. You need to evidence it was a short marriage with minimal cohabitation directly beforehand.

@SnowWhitesSM it’s entirely up to you. Do what works. If posting the same things on here helps, then post them. Those of us who have been where you are are completely understand.

Tbh if I had potentially posted here or felt able to keep talking to friends, I may have come out of it earlier. At some point the shame of going back returns and, for me, I then felt I couldn’t tell friends that having returned (again), he continued to be vile towards me. The loop isolated me - and it’s something they aim for. Then with less ‘external’ people to help set you right, their narrative can begin to take hold. I mean just look at my example over Christmas. I knew i was perfectly within my rights to not speak to my exp’s kids. I have zero responsibility towards them. But still, I doubted myself and the person who inserted that doubt? My exp? Was I cruel? Was I hurting innocent children? No, of course not. In fact you could argue the person doing that and putting his children under conflict was him.

Keep posting. Especially if you’re not confiding in people in RL. X

Whatever you do, don’t isolate yourself from external perspectives because you’re embarrassed. It’s what helps them. And their skewed voices become dominant.

@SnowWhitesSM read this.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_posts/4446296-Coercive-and-controlling-behaviour-is-clever-You-would-have-thought-a-police-officer-could-see-it-coming-right

Thanks for posting so much support you lovely people. Hope everyone's OK

I have been doing a lot of thinking and journalling. I need to forgive him and forgive his ex and forgive myself.

I keep not taking accountability for my own actions in this. I am responsible for my happiness. I gave this woman my power and voice in my own home. I handed over my power and then got resentful about it.

I married my h knowing his ex was a bit crazy. She hadn't done anything directly to me but I knew she might go off her head when she found out we were getting married. I knew it and ignored it. I put myself in this situation as my ego thought I'd be able to handle it. I didnt think through the situation properly and just thought h would deal with it.

I need to take accountability and see things from their perspective too. I need to forgive and let go of all this bitterness and resentment. My stb ex h isn't an abuser. He's an anxious man who feels angry when he feels scared and out of control. He's weak, he's never really grown up and his behaviour comes out in unhealthy ways but he's not a narc. He's just a bit sad and weak. He doesn't know how to lead and when he feels shame his defence system comes up and deflects it, angrily. He wouldn't hit me, he wouldn't financially screw me over, he's just putting himself in victim mode atm.

I am going on a forgiveness journey. I've split again from stb ex. He's agreed to leave me alone this time. I need to get over this shit and stop blaming them for my miserable time being married. I was in control of my emotions the entire time. I don't know why I gave my happiness up. My existence caused h pain. I get it now, I took it so personally but it wasn't personal. I took it as such a rejection. They had their own issues way before I came along and they'll have them years down the line. I've spent so much time analysing him, working him out, trying to make myself better blabla and none of it was me. I need to let it go, forgive them, and forgive myself.

Morning @SnowWhitesSM. Everyone’s journey is personal to them, their circumstances and the person they are dealing with.

It’s good you’re journaling and working on forgiveness. It sounds positive. I hope he leaves you alone and the harsh words stop. If they do and he steps back and respects your boundaries then maybe you are spot on, and he is not a narc.

The only slight thing I would advise is when you talk about taking responsibility for yourself. I remember thinking the way you are a few years ago and you’re not wrong. It was on me that I stayed in the relationship and felt the way I did. On that I totally agree. However, just be careful that the taking responsibility for your actions/ feelings doesn’t tip into absolving him of his actions because you weren’t as ‘calm’ or ‘happy’ as you should have been. That is a very slippery slope. You essentially could (and it’s a big could), start to minimise his actions and take responsibility for what has happened between the two of you.

That’s ok when the other party is healthy and willing to do the same. Not so much when they’re not.

Have a great rest of the weekend, you sound a lot more grounded and happier.

Snow it's great your taking accountability for your emotions. Just try not to take responsibility for all of the actions that took place.

It's a fine swing right ? But you reacted the way you did because you were under ridiculous pressure and your self worth knocked repeatedly overtime.

"Daves" and people like him hyper focus on things you need to "take accountability for" which is actually just deflection. They have been making yoy take more than your share of accountability and responsibility for a while now. Don't let the cycle continue repeat after he's gone is what I'm saying. Reflection is good, just don't slip down the hole of I brought this on myself.

You may have let the devil in, but you didn't cause the damage he wrecked on your home or yourself. That was all on him.

Keep going snow ! You got this !!

Thank you both you deserve all the flowers and the cake in the world.

I'm genuinely ok. I'm not blaming myself or taking accountability for things I shouldn't be. My accountability is forgiving myself for ignoring the red flags in the beginning and then being in a victim mode instead of being assertive.

I am not letting myself be consumed with bitterness and hurt. I'm practicing letting it go. I've just read the book forgive to live. The chapters are free PDFs on Google if you type forgive to live in. Holding on to all of the things his crazy ex done to him, me and their son drove me crazy, I am going to forgive her for that. Hs pathetic boundaries and not sticking up for us - I forgive that each day as much as I can. I'm not forgiven without putting boundaries down - ie I will never be in that situation again. But I can't hold on to that pain anymore. Before marriage I was a happy person. Really happy! I was fit, strong, funny, sociable, active, at peace with myself person. I had plans. My plan now is to get myself back, just a wiser version.

So I've started the fabulous app where you build up a routine. I've taken my vitamins, I've exercised, I've watched films and laughed with my dc, I'm about to crack on with an essay that's due the 17th. I've spoken to my friends (was invited out but declined as I'm also doing dry January as these last few weeks I've been drinking too much). I've noted 3 things to be grateful for every evening, I'm journalling, I'm having lovely baths, I'm meditating every evening. I'm genuinely good. He's not bothering me, I know I'm going to fine. I don't feel heartbroken, I feel excited to get back to me again.

Or maybe that does make me the narc as I'm over it now

Also anyone else reading the thread in AIBU about the posters mum not letting her step mum come to her wedding with their mouths open wide? I honestly don't get it. My dcs df cheated on me and I was left (well I kicked him out) with two young primary age dc. Where the hell does the bitterness come from in some of these posters to still give AF 10 years later? It must be pure ego.

@SnowWhitesSM

Also anyone else reading the thread in AIBU about the posters mum not letting her step mum come to her wedding with their mouths open wide? I honestly don't get it. My dcs df cheated on me and I was left (well I kicked him out) with two young primary age dc. Where the hell does the bitterness come from in some of these posters to still give AF 10 years later? It must be pure ego.

Me.

I think it explains a great deal about loyalty binds.

There’s even a woman on there who thinks she’s morally right if she makes childcare help to her daughter contingent on doing what she wants in relation to her ex (the daughter’s father).

And (sorry for the multi posts) all the ‘your mum is the most important’ exposes the lie that it’s all about putting the child first. Or that fathers matter.

100% @BurntToastAgain the loyalty binds, the putting it on the dc to chose a side, it just shows the damage these bitter people do to their dcs.

I'm so glad I've never let my shit spiral outwards and damage my dc. They never gave felt like they've needed to pick between they're parents.

Matter to exes like that, I mean.

Their!

@SnowWhitesSM

100% *@BurntToastAgain* the loyalty binds, the putting it on the dc to chose a side, it just shows the damage these bitter people do to their dcs.

I'm so glad I've never let my shit spiral outwards and damage my dc. They never gave felt like they've needed to pick between they're parents.

Absolutely. I’d be horrified if my son felt he had to choose his father or me. He’s entitled to the best possible relationship with his father and his mother - what happened between us is irrelevant to that.

My accountability is forgiving myself for ignoring the red flags in the beginning and then being in a victim mode instead of being assertive.

This is amazing! Feeling no shame/ guilt is a huge part of letting go and moving on. Because the feeling of shame/ beating ourselves up can prevent us moving on.

For me the process continues to be Non linear. Last week I had some tough days. Then yesterday/ today I feel like a different person. Happier/ lighter/ free. There is a whole world out there and yet I can now see that through his constant cycles of dysfunction, he wanted to shrink my world/ attention on him. Now I’m free of his constant tantrums, the world is opening up. And I come home after a fun day with friends and am just happy. It’s liberating.

But like I said, it’s not linear. I’m sure there will be another dip and that’s ok too.

Sass maybe we need a recovering from dysfunctional step families support thread

So glad you had a nice day and love how great you're feeling!

@BurntToastAgain exactly- parental relationship problems should be irrelevant to the dc.

@SnowWhitesSM

Sass maybe we need a recovering from dysfunctional step families support thread

So glad you had a nice day and love how great you're feeling!

@BurntToastAgain exactly- parental relationship problems should be irrelevant to the dc.

I’d join a recovering from dysfunctional stepfamily relationships thread. Alas. It’s definitely a process.

@SnowWhitesSM thats a great idea! Do you want to start it?

Yes! I'll do it now!