If you could start again what would you do differently?

[SnowWhitesSM]

Hi it's me again

Brief overview - I have two teens FT and h has his ds 8. He moved out a month or so ago. When we got married dh came down with a huge case of the nrp dad guilt which infected our marriage and caused lots of problems. I became very resentful of his parenting and his son. Hs parenting is pretty normal apart from he gives the decision making power to his son. I believed for ages that I was a monster and it was my fault but actually his processes are wrong. I desperately wanted us to be a team and for us to be a family but at the time hs guilt and anxiety couldn't allow this. I had never been as miserable as what I was when we were living together and his son was around. I cannot do that to myself again.

So h is desperate that we don't split up. He's starting a CBT group for his anxiety and wants us to go back to counselling. I really want my marriage to work. I want to include his son and I want us both to be a team around all the dc. I want the flipping Waltons ffs.

So we're going to go to marriage counselling and get back to basics. We're going to have a year apart to work on ourselves. He is not to blame for everything that went wrong but he's the root of it. I'm not saying that to shift blame as I am responsible for my own words and actions when feeling hurt/rejected ect but it all stems from his dad guilt and giving decision making power to his son.

What do I need from him to be happy being a step parent? What works for you? How do I explain how to be a team with him?

OP, you are continuing to try to dissect him. The need to make him wrong keeps you tied to him. You don't necessarily want to be happy or better ; you want to be right and him to be wrong.

Actually for you to be better, he need only be gone. Continuing to post about him and trying to dissect his actions and motivations are only ways to increase his shelf life in your head.

When you can say to yourself "the reason does not matter; the relationship did not work," only then will you be.making progress.

A way to start might be by not reading MN for several days and not mentioning his name or responding to his text or emails for several days.

Instead, focus on fixing you. Ask yourself ,why do you need someone to have your back? Why aren't you strong enough to take care of yourself front and back? Ask yourself what does it really mean to be on a team? Team members don't always have the same thoughts and positions, but they all have the same goal - to win.

Maybe you need to be a stronger and more defined you before you find another partner.

Yup @sassbott I'm usually very good at running my house. I usually prep a tray bake or something simple for dinner the night before. Chores are done before settling down for the evening. The dc do their chores. We had a cleaner 1x a week. I have a lovely calm home. My dc aren't irresponsible, I can go out with friends for a meal and they can make themselves simple food like tuna pasta and clean up after themselves. It works and my home life is lovely!

Once I went on a bit of a cleaning mission in the evening and pulled out the white goods (my kitchen isn't all integrated) and left him to entertain his son. Mine were at youth club. He had a huge hissy fit when they came in supposedly about my son talking to loudly to me about his evening. Apparently it kept his son awake... no actually (he later admitted) it was because my attention wasn't on him and his son was playing with his friends online and didn't want to play with his dad before he went to bed. The red carpet of attention for h was not out that night and it turned into disaster. PRICK!

@Tattler2 I know I'm being annoying as I have the power to bring happiness back into my life and cut him off. I know the answer but I'm not doing it. Everyone knows what I need to do, my family and friends can't understand it. I don't understand it either. I definitely agree I need to work on myself to become a stronger and more defined person. I like those prompts to think about as well. I know I need to just cut it off and stop giving it the head space. I don't know why I won't. I'm not a falling apart person. My previous manager used to call me a formidable professional and take me into meetings with him as I know my shit. I'm good at arguing coherently but professionally. I also know I'm a lovely, kind and giving person. I know this but yet I let him be a voice in my head telling me I'm not a good person and it makes me want to prove him wrong. I want him to admit I'm a good person and he's the one in the wrong. Why, I have no idea!

@SnowWhitesSM you are NOT being annoying. Unless anyone has lived this, they will never understand the chaos that is created mentally. And actually a very important part of trying to move on/ understand what is happening is to think and process and ask questions and unpick and seek support.

You’ve been abused. That doesn’t just go away by putting it out of your mind. It requires processing and writing it down and therapy.

Keep posting, keep writing. Feel free to DM me. Don’t try and do this alone, it’s how the abusers draw you back in. X

OP, hopefully, you will realize soon that the validation that you are seeking cannot and will not come from him. It has to come from you.

A new year is a great time for discoveries and becoming reacquainted with your strong inner self. Good luck on your journey.

It's even clearer that he is just missing his cushy lifestyle. No wonder he is fuming that he's in a flat with no maid, no on tap entertainment, no one in person to use as a whipping boy!!

Thank you @sassbott

I struggle with even writing that this is abuse. I can't connect the abusive behaviour (I can admit his behaviour has been abusive) to me being abused. I would really like someone to say on this thread that I'm the one in the wrong and I should go and apologise to him and stop over reacting. I think I need to do go back through my old diaries and write a short sentence of each time there has been abusive behaviour. Maybe that will help to reconcile that I'm being abused (I'm cringing whilst writing I'm being abused).

There is total chaos in my head. My head has never been so foggy then what it has in the last year! It's awful and I doubt myself constantly even when it's not to do with h. I used to be so confident

How old are you? Could peri menopause be a factor in the brain fog? Also a factor in you not being willing to tolerate his selfishness etc.

@SnowWhitesSM covid has made the past 18 months to 2 years so much harder for everyone. Peri menopause is also a good thing to consider re brain fog.

I’m sorry re the abuse line. You’re much earlier on in this process than I perhaps realised.
But yes. Being on the receiving end of behaviour you describe would indicate to me that you have been abused. But if you don’t feel that’s right to say/ write then take it at your own pace.

OP, call his behavior abusive, call it self-interest, call him the salt of the earth. Whatever label you wish to place upon his behavior, it was behavior that did not fit comfortably into your life.

You have only one life and how much of it are you willing to spend analyzing a person who for whatever reason contributed to your discomfort?

Is there an answer that will change the past? Grieve if you must not for what you lost but rather for that you which you spent so much time wishing for. You loved the man that you wanted him to be, and he probably loved the woman that he wanted you to be. In reality those 2_people never met.

I don't think I'm peri yet. I did have terrible brain fog, my hair was falling out, my periods were all over the place but I've had bloods done and the gp said it was stress. I also had to have a examination from a gyn because of abnormal cells and she also said stress for my symptoms. Since he's been gone my hair and cycle is back to normal. My brain only feels foggy around h. It was terrible in work and around dc/life admin but that's back to normal now. I was signed off for 5 weeks, gp and work said I could take longer if I needed but I wanted to go back. I went back for two weeks, have had Christmas holidays off and back in on the 4th.

He's taken over my head again but I keep letting him. Thats why my brain keeps going foggy, sometimes I feel like I'm going clinically crazy about it.

I know what you're saying sassbot, the DV helpline also said abuse. No matter how awful I made myself out to be with my own behaviours and why I would get upset the advisor kept telling me that he's abusive and to get him out. The counsellor I previously had said his processes were wrong and anyone would feel the same. My friends and family say he's abusive. His own mum has said it's abuse - but I can't seem to grasp that in my head.

@SnowWhitesSM. So question.

Do you think I’m anyway that it is possible me that some of the physical symptoms you are talking about (that you now don’t have as he has moved out) are physical manifestations of the stress that has been caused?

It's probably because these types of abusers are so manipulative and extremely good at gaslighting, that it turns your mind into knots @SnowWhitesSM, I'm not surprised your brain feels like fog around him.

Even though someone is not hitting you round the head and throwing you down the stairs, it can still be abusive. I only got to the stage of almost having left my EXDP before my family saw the depth of his duplicity. Before that, they thought he was the best thing since sliced bread, my mum in particular. As our house sale completion date approached, I was preparing to stay with family temporarily. EXDP told my parents that if they allowed me to move in with them, our relationship was over. He was hoping they would pressure me into staying with him so he could keep his cosy life. Funny thing is, he also moved into a 1 bedroom flat (he has 3 DC in total, 2 are joint with me), despite taking half the house equity, meanwhile I'm about to move into a 3 bedroom house in a lovely area purchased solely by me. I fully expect my EXDP to start his manipulations through the DC once I've moved, and he sees what he's missing out on. It will be a similar set up to what you and @sassbott have described.

Yes my symptoms were definitely a physical manifestation of stress and not to be in victim mode, but that stress was caused by him. Why would I ever want to take him back? But the narrative has changed now he's in his little flat. Now he's the one poorly with his stomach through stress caused by me. Me not taking him back and asking for space. He tells me he dreams of me with other men, he tells me how depressed he is, that he's thought of killing himself but that he won't because of his son, he says that he will probably end up homeless from being to depressed to work and will have a major life revamp and start again, he has constant headaches due to stress about us and that I'm keeping him in limbo. That I'm treating him terribly and how no human should treat another human, that I'm hot then cold. These msgs are daily, though they change.

Ah snow - echoing sassbot please don't apologise for talking. Venting, talking in circles is the only way to get out of the "cycle". Think of yourself not in a circle anymore but a spiral 🌀 the way is up now. But it's a long climb. You may fall that's ok, keep talking no judgement here.

Also I know where tatter is coming from and I totally get the place where it's coming from (not a bad one) but simply not posting, talking about it just because you feel bad for talking about things is something people who have suffered abuse are told a lot and it's damaging.
It introduces a new level of shame, or your failing at yet another thing and truthfully no one can tell you when your done talking about it until you are ready to be done.

It's usually said in a kindly way but because the people feel uncomfortable (I'm not suggesting this is you tatter - just what I have seen at my work over and over) and what seems like glaringly obvious to a outside, is glaringly not obvious to the person on the inside so people say put it from your mind with ease that may as well be them suggesting to move a mountain. Your heads being messed with a demon you can't see but everyone else can but you feel the impact- it does make you feel like your going mad. Speaking of have you watched "the invisible man" dammed good film, watch it.

It doesn't matter what you call this mans actions, as long as you call those actions out and group them as something. These actions aren't in solo but part of a overall pattern.

Keep talking. Your ex sounds like a cruel person, but remember cruelty and extreme kindness can sometimes live in the same heart.

@candlelightsatdawn phenomenal post.

@SnowWhitesSM it’s good that you can see the link and understand there is one. That in itself is hard to acknowledge. Re the messages he is sending you.

Do you think it’s working for you to have this level of contact and be available to him to this extent?
Nb, do you remember when I said he would ramp it up, including commentary about suicide? Tick.
It’s all about engagement and contact and doing whatever it takes to keep you.

Can you block even if you just do it for 24-48 hours to stop you "discussing" things with him?

He's coming over tomorrow to pick up the saucepan I needed to borrow for Xmas day. He was supposed to come today but I feel he's made it till tomorrow to drag out speaking to me more. I also leant him money as he hasn't been working so he could get his son presents for Christmas that I do need back. He's expecting a payment Wednesday. I really will block him on Wednesday.

Thank you candle. I can visualise him being a demon in my brain and wrapping himself around it and through it. I also do feel like an idiot as everyone can see it but I don't do anything about it

Make sure the door the door is locked. Hand over the pan at the door and do not let him in.

Set a kitchen timer for 5 mins when the door bell rings so you have a reason to go.

Oo random that is a good idea with the kitchen timer!

The problem is - everyone knows a abuser and they don't have a cattle bell or a sign to helpfully identify them with. I know when I was told this I was like I do not know anyone abusive socially but when I thought about it I was ah ok but statically speaking your likely to be friendly with one. They may not abuse you, you may not see that side but it doesn't mean they aren't what they are. They fecking hide in the crowd and in between normal people, they look like everyone else, and to fall for it doesn't make you any less (in any respect). Everyone says I won't be that person, being boiled alive, until they are literally being boiled alive wondering how they got there. Shame and hope that your wrong keep you in the circle. You can do this.

Sounds like he's using every excuse to maintain contact - if timer won't stop him. Get a friend to call you 15mins after he's due to show to give you a excuse to get rid of him. There maybe dramatics, some drama coming he's building too don't let him talk or ramp up. He's going to look to give you back some of his monkeys, deflect deflect deflect.

How you feeling this am? He comes over today to get his pan doesn’t he?

Prepare yourself that he will look terrible. Possibly cry and say he’s at breaking point. I very much doubt he’s turning up to take the pan and say ‘thanks’, make some small talk and then leave.

I hear what you're saying candle. The boiling alive terminology is good.

I am finding it hard when people talk about things such as - no Christmas presents from abusive ex, no doing things together, no seeing your own friends. This isn't what happened to me. I have had really thoughtful and lovely Christmas and birthday presents (not this years obvs) we have done loads of fun things together and I've tried new things that I wouldn't have before (like mountain biking). H has also never been horrible about me seeing my friends for meals out and drinks, in fact he's given me money to go out with and picked me up (not raving tho as he had a thing about that.

His control is around his son, money, sharing, wanting to do things his way, wanting me to do things his way, his insecurities around what other people think and whether I'll cheat on him or not - so I adapted my behaviour around men to make him feel better, I swallowed my voice a lot about how he wanted to do things that impacted me and my dc, I felt like shit around him not sharing, I ended up buying more food then he did for the majority of our time but yet when I needed him to buy food I would only put the minimum essentials in and he still would exclaim over the bill. He argued about everything and out argued me by having me spinning in circles. There was no trying to see things from my perspective.

But I see on the relationship board and tiktok awful awful relationships and they had far more worse things occur then what happened to me. I then think bloody hell and there was me crying about bedtimes fgs.

Yes sassbot. I feel like I'm making a big fuss over nothing this morning.

What I have done is arrange to see my lovely auntie after he comes so I can't stay talking to him and I have someone to sort my head out after.

You had to adapt your behaviour, you had to quieten your voice, he refused to see things from your point of view, he wanted complete control over things that impacted on you and your DC.

If that isn't abusive and coercive control I don't know what is 🤷🏽‍♀️