Page 7 | It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

PickledOnionsOnToast · 2021-12-19T21:45:30+00:00

I just had to say that. Does anyone else feel that way? I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time. I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/12/2021 09:53

[quote Mumoblue]@Getyourarseofffthequattro

That’s fine 🤷‍♀️
The OP seemed to understand the point I was making (aka “don’t want your step kids full time?! You’re cruel! Want your step kids full time?! You’re trying to replace their mum!”).
I think it’s important that both step parents and ex partners can be honest about the reality of sharing a kid, which is that sometimes it’s a hard line to walk. You can feel however you like about it. I’m actually optimistic about my son getting a stepmother.[/quote]
I agree with you, your point just wasn't worded very well was it?

mamaoffourdc · 20/12/2021 09:53

Why do you women have children with someone who has already got children? Remember you partner loves his kids the same way you love your kids apart from he carries guilt that they are not from a "stable" home and misses out so much with them
Get over yourselves - from a step kid

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/12/2021 09:54

@mamaoffourdc

Why do you women have children with someone who has already got children? Remember you partner loves his kids the same way you love your kids apart from he carries guilt that they are not from a "stable" home and misses out so much with them Get over yourselves - from a step kid

Awh nice bit of projection there. Maybe get over yourself! From a fellow step kid who realises the world doesnt revolve around step kids.

mamaoffourdc · 20/12/2021 09:56

@Getyourarseofffthequattro world doesn't revolve no - family is different

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 20/12/2021 09:58

@mamaoffourdc

Why do you women have children with someone who has already got children? Remember you partner loves his kids the same way you love your kids apart from he carries guilt that they are not from a "stable" home and misses out so much with them Get over yourselves - from a step kid

Why do you women always insist on 'reminding' us about things we already know.

NO WHERE have I suggested that I am unaware that my husband loves his older children the way he loves ours. I am not confused about this, I do not need you to inform me. I have not suggested anywhere in this post that I think my husband doesn't love his kids, or that he would 'choose' me instead.

The thread is literally nothing about how he feels about his children.

OP posts:

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/12/2021 09:58

[quote mamaoffourdc]@Getyourarseofffthequattro world doesn't revolve no - family is different[/quote]
Yes it is, so why are you telling people to get over themselves? Questioning why people marry men with children?

If you accept every family is different maybe stop having a go about something you personally don't understand.

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 20/12/2021 09:59

I'm also a step child, do I get a brownie point?

OP posts:

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 20/12/2021 10:01

@PickledOnionsOnToast

Yes, you have a choice, does your child though?

Does any child when their parents separate? It's not a new thing. I'm not suggesting it's an easy thing either and it of course would not be a simple or easy decision.

But really, is living with a miserable unhappy parent much better? Regardless of why the parent is unhappy, people are always told it is better for DC that their parents be happy and not simply 'staying for the children', it is rightly said on many threads that staying simply for the children's sake when you are miserable is terrible advice.

It would depend on the situation of course. If you were having screaming rows over his kids then definitely best for everyone if you separate.

It's whether or not it's worth risking your own child's future happiness to secure your own that you have to weigh up. Like I say, a tough choice. And would you then stay single or would your own child find themselves as the interloper should you remarry and have more children?

Plenty of step parents have shared to say that they feel exactly as you do, so if you do leave then that's pretty much what's waiting for your kid when they're at their Dad's 50% of the time with his new partner.

You do at least have a choice though. The kids don't.

mamaoffourdc · 20/12/2021 10:02

@PickledOnionsOnToast yes you do!

But you've put a massive condition on your love/relationship by stating that you'll leave your partner if the worse case happens and his kids come to live with you full time 😢 seems sad

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/12/2021 10:04

[quote mamaoffourdc]@PickledOnionsOnToast yes you do!

But you've put a massive condition on your love/relationship by stating that you'll leave your partner if the worse case happens and his kids come to live with you full time 😢 seems sad[/quote]
Seems sad to have such a strong opinion on something you clearly don't understand.

WrongWayApricot · 20/12/2021 10:08

@PickledOnionsOnToast

But you would because your step children are no longer interesting and desirable

You are either deliberately or accidentally twisting what I have said.

I have not said my step children are not interesting or desirable. That would be personal about them, this is not. Me saying I have no desire or interest in being their mother or full time parent is absolutely nothing like saying they are not interesting or desirable people.

Do you think because you have no interest in playing mum to your neighbours child that it means that child specifically is not interesting or desirable? No, of course not. It's just that you don't want to be her Mum. Which is a perfectly normal thing nor is it personally insulting.

But I have not made a commitment to spend the rest of my life with my neighbour and accepted their family as my family. If I had it wouldn't matter how much I desired to be their full time step mum or not, I just would be.

It means the same to me whether you say you don't desire to be a full time step mum or if you say you don't desire your SDC full time. Six of one half a dozen of the other. If it makes you feel any better, okay, you don't find the role desirable. The same argument.

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 20/12/2021 10:10

[quote mamaoffourdc]@PickledOnionsOnToast yes you do!

But you've put a massive condition on your love/relationship by stating that you'll leave your partner if the worse case happens and his kids come to live with you full time 😢 seems sad[/quote]
Because of how I envisage it would affect our relationship. Not purely because of the children themselves, but I feel (and I obviously don't know because it's not my situation right now), that it would have a negative impact on our relationship to the point I would no longer be happy in it and wish to leave.

It's not a case of just, they move in and I immediately pack my suitcase. But over time I imagine it would affect our relationship to the point it would no longer be a happy one for reasons I've already stated.

OP posts:

anniegun · 20/12/2021 10:10

You probably should not have had children with a man who already had a family

BeyondOurReef · 20/12/2021 10:11

@PickledOnionsOnToast

I'm also a step child, do I get a brownie point?

I’m a stepchild too. As is my husband.

Sadly, it doesn’t make him more reasonable or pragmatic as a nonresident father. Some of that is the legacy of his mother and her toxic resident parent after divorce behaviour and attitude. Undeniably.

But some of it is just him. I know now, for a fact, that I would not be able to continue any kind of relationship (not even passing chats on the doorstep and amicable co-parenting) with him at all if his ex died and his children became ‘poor motherless victims’. He and his family would be beyond unbearable.

It would be awful for our DS too. He’s already the second class citizen (because second families just are less important than ‘existing children’). If he had a mother but his half siblings did not, he’d be even further down the priority list. Not simply taken for granted but overly positioned as ‘lucky’ and expected to be grateful he’s still got a mother.

If family is an obligation, then it has to work all ways. It’s not ok to put all the responsibility and blame on the SM. But that’s what usually happens.

aSofaNearYou · 20/12/2021 10:12

@anniegun

You probably should not have had children with a man who already had a family

Firsf of all, my DP did not have a family, he had a son. He has a family now.

But you shouldn't speak of things you don't understand as if they're fact - my DSS is around EOW, the fact that I wouldn't want to live with him full time has no effect on any of our lives.

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 20/12/2021 10:12

If it makes you feel any better, okay, you don't find the role desirable. The same argument

It's really not the same argument though. Saying you find a person specifically uninteresting is obviously a personal thing about them. Saying I am uninterested in being someone's full time parent is not the same as finding them specifically uninteresting, that makes it sound like if it was any other kid it would be different, just not them because they aren't interesting when that is not the case. They can be the loveliest child in the world but I don't want to be their full time Mum.

I don't understand how you can think the two are remotely the same.

OP posts:

candlelightsatdawn · 20/12/2021 10:15

@anniegun

You probably should not have had children with a man who already had a family

It's like whack a mole going on.

This isn't about DH or DSC. This was literally one SM asking other SMs feelings on the subject if they were in that situation.

Feelings can change and shock horror aren't static.

candlelightsatdawn · 20/12/2021 10:20

New version of SM bingo for this thread.

You knew what you were signing up for when marrying DH.

Won't someone anyone think of the kids.

You have no right once married in second family to leave (evil step mum)

Won't anyone think of the children ft they didn't have a choice in this (remember point 3. As some posters have suggested neither do you unless you want evil step mum tag) but let's avoid that.

But family you have to stay for family (ft even though the first family didn't have to)

I don't think you like your stepchildren/ SC aren't just for Christmas.

This is so sad, won't anyone think of the children (by children we only mean SC)

Jesus.actually.wept.

yellowjellytot · 20/12/2021 10:25

I've done this and come out the other side (we'll almost, one is living with us as an adult but it's much easier!)
I can honestly say it was the most difficult time of my life. And I didn't always do a good job. I couldn't find any support or help at all and was expected to know precisely what to do at any time. If I ever admitted (to practically anyone) that I was finding it difficult they would immediately assume I was an evil stepmother and would usually be told words to the effect of either deal with it or leave. Can you imagine of people said that about biological children?? When people foster or adopt they get a lot more support too.
My DP was working very long hours and for most of the time I was in sole charge. I didn't have any authority to discipline them and their school wouldn't even talk to me about concerns I had.
My step children have turned into wonderful adults and I am fairly close to them but they moved in with us as damaged children and became difficult teenagers.
Having said that I do think, although it was far from ideal, in this situation it was the best thing for them. I wish DP had been able to be at home more and there were definitely things I should have handled better.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 20/12/2021 10:27

Yep - totally agree.
My stepson moved in for a while with us and there have never been so many arguments.
Thankfully he moved out again.
Never again.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 20/12/2021 10:34

@candlelightsatdawn

New version of SM bingo for this thread.

You knew what you were signing up for when marrying DH.

Won't someone anyone think of the kids.

You have no right once married in second family to leave (evil step mum)

Won't anyone think of the children ft they didn't have a choice in this (remember point 3. As some posters have suggested neither do you unless you want evil step mum tag) but let's avoid that.

But family you have to stay for family (ft even though the first family didn't have to)

I don't think you like your stepchildren/ SC aren't just for Christmas.

This is so sad, won't anyone think of the children (by children we only mean SC)

Jesus.actually.wept.

People say these things because they are true. Trying to shut down discourse with ridicule doesn't make the points less true. Sorry you're triggered by this thread. Is it a bit close to home?

aSofaNearYou · 20/12/2021 10:36

Plenty of step parents have shared to say that they feel exactly as you do, so if you do leave then that's pretty much what's waiting for your kid when they're at their Dad's 50% of the time with his new partner.*

It wouldn't bother my if my DPs future girlfriend didnt want to live with DD full time because I'm well aware that not wanting to become full time carer to a child that isn't yours is perfectly normal and doesn't mean you aren't nice to them when you see them currently.

In the situation you've outlined here, I would be much more concerned about what had happened to mean DD was no longer living with ME at all, than about whether DPs girlfriend would stick around once she lived with him full time.

LowlandLucky · 20/12/2021 10:37

I am so blessed to have my stepchildren in my life (one is actually not my Husbands child, this child is actually his stepchild from his last marriage) They have brought me trouble, sleepless nights, worry and stress just like my children have. They have also brought me laughter, joy and love and have made my heart burst with pride. When 2 families join it means you take the good with the bad and commit 100%,if you can't do that then you should never have married.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 20/12/2021 10:38

People say these things because they are true

Bullshit. They say it because they are ignorant, bitter and have never experienced the situation 9 times out of ten. They say it because they want to hurt someone else because their situation is shit. They say it to make themselves feel better.

aSofaNearYou · 20/12/2021 10:38

People say these things because they are true. Trying to shut down discourse with ridicule doesn't make the points less true. Sorry you're triggered by this thread. Is it a bit close to home?

You think 3, 4 and 5 on that list are true?