Partner spoiling his child therefore putting a strain on our relationship.

[Laurah356]

So I've been with my partner just over a year now. All was well at the start but my partners parenting techniques is putting a strain on our relationship. His son (5) is very wild which ok is probably normal in children I don't have children of my own but I've had a big part in raising my niece (7) and nephew (3) and they're very well behaved and know manners. His son has to be reminded constantly about saying please and thank yous and not to snatch. He's currently going through a phase of not wanting proper food and screams the place down and refuses to eat (ofc his dad has to then cook other meals mainly fatty foods, sausages, chicken nuggets etc but when he's with his mom she says he eats whatever she's eating baked potatoes, fish pies, Sunday dinners etc. He also pretends to cry like ALOT to get his dad's attention over little things such as last night because he didn't have a basketball to play with, I told my partner to ignore his tantrums but he said he couldn't bring himself to do that. Low and behold today his dad has brought him a basketball! I told him that's not what you do as now he thinks he can get everything he wants by throwing tantrums. He's very cheeky and calls me stupid and I reply by telling him "I dont appreciate that" and that word should not be said in my home I then proceed to ignore him which helps a little but then after a day or two he starts again. I've also told his dad he needs to start doing educational things with him as he's too distracted and his school has said he needs extra support with his learning, my partner believes his son should do what makes him happy but when he plays up you can see the frustration in my partners face. I told him today he needs to parent differently to what he is now but it makes me feel awful having to tell him this.

[quote KurtWildesChristmasNamechange]@Laurah356 it's not about what you referred to yourself as, it's about the role you're clearly actively assuming ^^ by trying to influence how your boyfriend parents his child. [/quote]
OK so people are saying take a step back. When the child asks me for something he can't have such as chocolate before his main meal or is rude to me I ignore it People are claiming that's abuse. So what do you suggest I do?

Please leave this poor woman alone. She came here for advice and has received nothing but criticism.

Any step parent can tell you how difficult the first few years were. Sure, this woman isn't yet fully immersed in such a role and is currently more "Dad's girlfriend". But, we all started there.

I realise that there are a lot of women on this forum that fundamentally disagree with any woman dating or marrying a man with children. That's narrow minded and step parents can really add something wonderful to some children's lives.

OP has charged into this head first and is frustrated. It is frustrating. I've been there. I've been there at 7am, making a bowl of cheerios for somebody else's kid and then being told to butt out when Dad appears and replaces it with a bowl of sweets and a ruffle of the hair. I've been there, in my socks, wading through a swamp of bath-water-on-the-floor and being told to mind my own business when I ask if it's really a necessary side effect of bathtime? I've been there in the airport when the toddler stepchild has a melt down and all the old ladies mutter about what a bad mother you must be.

I read the OP's first post and also thought "oh dear" but I didn't jump to conclusions about her as a person. It's hard fucking going down this road, especially the first few miles. And hats off to her for not quitting so far.

Shake it off, OP.

@PeeAche

Oh OP, I'm sorry for your troubles TTC. I struggled with infertility and losses for years. My first marriage broke down because of it.

Sadly, it is something you will be bullied about on the step parenting forums. I think lots of women are very judgemental of women that cannot conceive naturally, but they would never say so in real life. Mumsnet gives them the anonymity to do so without any recourse.

Yeah I think it played a part with my last relationship ending. Its wrong, some step parents or "mom or dad's girlfriend" can have a huge role in a child's life :)

@PeeAche

Please leave this poor woman alone. She came here for advice and has received nothing but criticism.

Any step parent can tell you how difficult the first few years were. Sure, this woman isn't yet fully immersed in such a role and is currently more "Dad's girlfriend". But, we all started there.

I realise that there are a lot of women on this forum that fundamentally disagree with any woman dating or marrying a man with children. That's narrow minded and step parents can really add something wonderful to some children's lives.

OP has charged into this head first and is frustrated. It is frustrating. I've been there. I've been there at 7am, making a bowl of cheerios for somebody else's kid and then being told to butt out when Dad appears and replaces it with a bowl of sweets and a ruffle of the hair. I've been there, in my socks, wading through a swamp of bath-water-on-the-floor and being told to mind my own business when I ask if it's really a necessary side effect of bathtime? I've been there in the airport when the toddler stepchild has a melt down and all the old ladies mutter about what a bad mother you must be.

I read the OP's first post and also thought "oh dear" but I didn't jump to conclusions about her as a person. It's hard fucking going down this road, especially the first few miles. And hats off to her for not quitting so far.

Shake it off, OP.

Thank you :) For instance today I got up at 7am after a very long shift yesterday as my partner isn't too well. I got his son ready and fed for sports club which he was excited for. If I don't help my partner out it does affect the child and for all those ready to criticise dad did take him to sports club.

You may well be right that he isn't a very good parent BUT you should really step back from being so involved and so judgemental. It will only end badly if you carry on.

OP you've had a some criticism, but also some really good advice. A lot of this is from people who were you several years ago. Like you, I did all that stuff. But it took me maybe 4 years to learn to step back, for my own mental health, my relationship with both my partner and his kids.

We parent VERY differently. He doesn't feel the need for his kids to ever brush their teeth. After eating kfc, drinking loads of coke etc. So we now have our kids at different times, because the difference in parenting makes it impossible for us to blend.

So I think stepping back is the best thing you can do (other than if they're rude to you - but try not to put yourself in that position if you can avoid it)

I now never say anything about their behaviour or the parenting. Inside sometimes I seethe. So I vent to my friends / my mum, etc - but honestly, it's been a lifesaver. They will no doubt have rotten teeth / zero social skills etc - but it's not my place to sort. And even if I tried, their parents wouldn't be interested in helping me - their kids, their way. I had to learn the hard way! And it is so, so hard. You'll get there OP! It'll probably take several attempts and a few years, but you'll find your way. It's just whatever works for you.

@sixpencenonethepoorer

OP you've had a some criticism, but also some really good advice. A lot of this is from people who were you several years ago. Like you, I did all that stuff. But it took me maybe 4 years to learn to step back, for my own mental health, my relationship with both my partner and his kids.

We parent VERY differently. He doesn't feel the need for his kids to ever brush their teeth. After eating kfc, drinking loads of coke etc. So we now have our kids at different times, because the difference in parenting makes it impossible for us to blend.

So I think stepping back is the best thing you can do (other than if they're rude to you - but try not to put yourself in that position if you can avoid it)

I now never say anything about their behaviour or the parenting. Inside sometimes I seethe. So I vent to my friends / my mum, etc - but honestly, it's been a lifesaver. They will no doubt have rotten teeth / zero social skills etc - but it's not my place to sort. And even if I tried, their parents wouldn't be interested in helping me - their kids, their way. I had to learn the hard way! And it is so, so hard. You'll get there OP! It'll probably take several attempts and a few years, but you'll find your way. It's just whatever works for you.

Thank you :)

OK so people are saying take a step back. When the child asks me for something he can't have such as chocolate before his main meal or is rude to me I ignore it People are claiming that's abuse. So what do you suggest I do?

If I was you if you know dad wouldn't come along and undermine you re chocolate, say ah daddy says no chocolate before dinner you know this . There's a catch to this with is you have to specifically know he would say no or what will happen is you say no and he joyfully comes in days yes and then you silently seethe. It's a frustrating cycle that all SP have been in.

Your go to place for any tricky situations is "ahh I don't know let's take you to ask your dad". Every single time.

After a while your DP will come to you probably in a huff and say can you stop telling him to ask me stuff, he's with you,it's your call. You then go ok then AND IF HE REVERTS BACK OR undermines you at any point after hes said this "ahh I don't know let's ask your dad" rinse and repeat. This will get annoying for him and eventually he will wait her trust you to parent or not and step forward. This is stepping back in my head. It's absolutely the hardest thing to do.

If dad lets him have the chocolate you think silently ok your dads choice if your teeth fall out, if people comment you say "ah I leave the parenting choices to dad I'm just here for the fun."

Dad let Ds out without a coat and people making comments "ahhh dad got him dressed today, let him lead in this area"

Don't be fooled into thinking his parenting choices are a reflection on you.

Good luck op !

**he will wait her trust you to parent

He will trust you to parent
Sorry typo

Also can we stop picking apart the OP with the terms of which she's being called aka step mum/dads gf - who cares. It's not relevant to what's she's posted about, good grief.

There's a difference between shaming and constructive advice. It's always the same posters, the problem is the good advice gets lost in all the nickpicking and it's getting bit silly. Can we keep on track it's getting old.

Op your in the right place and at least this wasn't posted on Aibu because this would have gone so much worse.

Agree with both previous posters. It takes years to get to a stage where you can walk the delicate tightrope effectively. And you know what? I still fall off sometimes!

And, none of that is to say it's awful or like some kind of living hell. (Don't be convinced by the posters that say "see, this is why I would never date a man with kids"... um, why are they even here?)

It can be very rewarding. Children are rewarding! Overcoming these differences as a couple is rewarding. I am so proud of my family. It's wonky, weird, sometimes prickly, often messy and it regularly feels like it's held together by old bubblegum... but it's a family. Just as sure as sugar!

A common thing people say about walking into this kind of life is that you're taking on a "ready made family". It's a misnomer because nothing about this situation is ready made. Sure, all the components are there, but they can go together in a million different ways and nothing is guaranteed.

@candlelightsatdawn

OK so people are saying take a step back. When the child asks me for something he can't have such as chocolate before his main meal or is rude to me I ignore it People are claiming that's abuse. So what do you suggest I do?

If I was you if you know dad wouldn't come along and undermine you re chocolate, say ah daddy says no chocolate before dinner you know this . There's a catch to this with is you have to specifically know he would say no or what will happen is you say no and he joyfully comes in days yes and then you silently seethe. It's a frustrating cycle that all SP have been in.

Your go to place for any tricky situations is "ahh I don't know let's take you to ask your dad". Every single time.

After a while your DP will come to you probably in a huff and say can you stop telling him to ask me stuff, he's with you,it's your call. You then go ok then AND IF HE REVERTS BACK OR undermines you at any point after hes said this "ahh I don't know let's ask your dad" rinse and repeat. This will get annoying for him and eventually he will wait her trust you to parent or not and step forward. This is stepping back in my head. It's absolutely the hardest thing to do.

If dad lets him have the chocolate you think silently ok your dads choice if your teeth fall out, if people comment you say "ah I leave the parenting choices to dad I'm just here for the fun."

Dad let Ds out without a coat and people making comments "ahhh dad got him dressed today, let him lead in this area"

Don't be fooled into thinking his parenting choices are a reflection on you.

Good luck op !

Thank you that's good advice :)

Why oh why are women so eager in the beginning of a relationship to p!ay Mary Poppins, only for the novelty to wear off further down the line ?
Poor choices and low standards are too blame.

@Moonface123

Why oh why are women so eager in the beginning of a relationship to p!ay Mary Poppins, only for the novelty to wear off further down the line ? Poor choices and low standards are too blame.

Fucks sake. 🙄

I'm trying to work out the situation. If I'm correct (and I may not be) they live with you, the boyfriend all the time, his child around half the time. Is that correct? Is it your place they moved into? Does your BF contribute a decent amount to the living expenses? If so, it's still very early to be living together. If not, he should easily be able to afford childcare.

Who does the housework, just curious?

I suspect he's got it made with a new house elf, who does the difficult parenting like buying clothes and getting up when she feels shitty and he gets to play Disney Dad. This is something to knock straight on the head.

@Moonface123

Why oh why are women so eager in the beginning of a relationship to p!ay Mary Poppins, only for the novelty to wear off further down the line ? Poor choices and low standards are too blame.

Yes that's totally at the situation the OP has described 🙄🙄 comments like this should be tagged TLDNR and ignored.

It's like a shaming drive by dumping of emotions.

I am flabbergasted at how quick people are to jump on someone, who it would seem ultimately has the best interest of the child at heart (but equally others have chosen to even name it as child abuse)!. What I read between the lines is a person who genuinely cares for that child - who wants to help provide healthy food for the child, encourage them academically, teach clear boundaries, respect, and patience. It's one of those you're damned if you do, damned if you don't situations!!! I can't help but think perhaps people are feeling defensive of their own inadequacies?

What gain is there for OP to raise these concerns? None. What benefit is there for the child - lots! She's the one trying to encourage healthy eating and respect/empathy for others - yet she is being torn down for this? It's not like she is placing unreasonable or extreme expectations for the child - like to join a shamanic cult and suck from the teet of an ox whilst walking on hot coals - she's simply highlighting it would be better for him to make healthier food choices and not get what he wants because of a tantrum. It's the fundamentals of child (human) development, nevermind 'parenting'!

It takes a whole village to raise a child

I get that the SM is not the parent - I don't believe anywhere has she inferred that she is, but what I sense is she cares about the child and wants the best for them. Ultimately, societally, we have a duty of care to children (whether it be niece/nephew, SC, friends, family etc), when that child comes into your home, and your partner chooses you to be a role model in that child's life - you have a responsibility. Whether you've only met the child once, known them 6 months or 10 years and are married to their dad. After all, behind all this is DP, enabling this relationship dynamic - DP, chose OP to be his GF. DP made a mutual decision to allow her to meet and be involved with SC. DP made a mutual decision to share a house...it's not like OP has kidnapped them and held them to ransom!
Raising children without boundaries is not healthy and has lifelong impacts. I see the OP's intentions as grounded in the right place - but perhaps not executed in the right approach and possibly clumsily worded in the OP.

Step mums - care about the child = YOU BAD
Step mums - don't care about the child = YOU BAD

@needmoreshinys

Butt out, stop giving him "parenting" advice. Raising a niece and nephew is very different from your own children, raising your own children is very different from someone else raising theirs.

You don't say but are you living together?

There could be a lot going on in the child's head, at the moment and he could be very confused.

So one more time butt out, let your partner parent how he wants and if you cant handle it leave the relationship

Is it necessary to sound almost hostile with "butt out". Yes okay father deals with the child's issues. That doesn't mean that his partner has to tolerate rudeness from his child!

Other people's children must be very trying, but decisions on parenting are none of your business.

@HumousWhereTheHeartIs

Other people's children must be very trying, but decisions on parenting are none of your business.

I've decided I don't like this forum. There's some nice people in here, but of bitchy bullies hiding behind a screen. I would like to see to you try and give your advice about step parenting in person . Something that you clearly know absolutely nothing about. Let's get something clear, Whilst my step child is living under my roof, I will have an input in his upbringing end of. My husband supports this. If my step son is rude, that won't be tolerated. If he starts behaving like a spoilt brat then he loses his PlayStation time. Simple. Just because my husband has a child that does not mean I have to put up with his child's bad behaviour in my home! Furthermore , this part of the forum is supposed to be for step parents and yet mothers on here are being horrible to the posters. Those people that are being so hostile with your " butt out" and it's " none of your business" etc need to stop and think. We step parents help to feed and clothe your child , the love we give is an added bonus. The only reason that you're all so bitchy is because you're jealous. Jealous that your child can have another mother figure to live. You really can't bear this. It really is pathetic. Grow up and if you can't say something positive shut your mouths and stop being so vicious. Bye!!

@plum81 agree with all of this, and thank you for saying it.
Anything that affects my household is my business, and that includes anything to do with the tiny human who lives here part time.

@HumousWhereTheHeartIs

Other people's children must be very trying, but decisions on parenting are none of your business.

They are. So true but when any child (not just step children) lives in my home, feed by food I buy, wears clothes I pay for, kept warm because I pay for the heating and any treats they could ever want, I do have a say in how they interact under this roof.

Im not a ATM, I'm not a lodger that's staying in the house, I'm not a maid and I'm not going to apologise for having needs that are equal to any other person in the house. No more, not less.

We aren't talking about random children in the park, which if I took the above away would be fine. My DSD living quality dramatically went up when we blended something I'm thankful both her dear mum and DSD recognise.

Stop acting like step parents are pond scum and have to live like non entities with 0 feelings, emotions or wants because the first marriage failed and if you want to go kick someone on behalf of the SC"perhaps you should lay the blame at the people who caused that first family to break in first place.

Furthermore, this part of the* forum is supposed to be for step parents and yet mothers on here are being horrible to the posters.*
Those people that are being so hostile with your "butt out" and it's "none of your business" etc need to stop and think. We step parents help to feed and clothe your child, the love we give is an added bonus
The only reason that you're all so bitchy is because you're jealous. Jealous that your child can have another mother figure to live. You really can't bear this.
It really is pathetic. Grow up and if you can't say something positive shut your mouths and stop being so vicious.

Irony

I understand what you are saying and trying to say. I know how you feel as well. My situation is not that bad but I totally get it. For those telling you that you sound naive and sayin you shouldn't say things and all that. I get what they are saying too. But being with a man who has children can be difficult depending on the parent/person. I am dating a man with a son. His son was turning 6 when I met him. He is now 9. His child doesn't have the best attitude. And is spoiled rotten by his father. Nothing wrong with being spoiled. As it's his only son but his attitude is horrible. And his father makes him think it's ok because he doesn't get reprimanded enough for him to change his behavior. I am still with him because we do not live together. That actually makes things even harder and Idk much I should or should NOT in love myself in their lives. It's been on the rocks and for so many reasons. so I know that if this ends I will choose today's childless men. I hope by now things have gotten better or the child has matured, or the father's parenting has gotten better or you found someone else. Whatever would be best.

@KurtWild I totally agree with you.