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Step-parenting

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Partner spoiling his child therefore putting a strain on our relationship.

203 replies

Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 13:26

So I've been with my partner just over a year now. All was well at the start but my partners parenting techniques is putting a strain on our relationship. His son (5) is very wild which ok is probably normal in children I don't have children of my own but I've had a big part in raising my niece (7) and nephew (3) and they're very well behaved and know manners. His son has to be reminded constantly about saying please and thank yous and not to snatch. He's currently going through a phase of not wanting proper food and screams the place down and refuses to eat (ofc his dad has to then cook other meals mainly fatty foods, sausages, chicken nuggets etc but when he's with his mom she says he eats whatever she's eating baked potatoes, fish pies, Sunday dinners etc. He also pretends to cry like ALOT to get his dad's attention over little things such as last night because he didn't have a basketball to play with, I told my partner to ignore his tantrums but he said he couldn't bring himself to do that. Low and behold today his dad has brought him a basketball! I told him that's not what you do as now he thinks he can get everything he wants by throwing tantrums. He's very cheeky and calls me stupid and I reply by telling him "I dont appreciate that" and that word should not be said in my home I then proceed to ignore him which helps a little but then after a day or two he starts again. I've also told his dad he needs to start doing educational things with him as he's too distracted and his school has said he needs extra support with his learning, my partner believes his son should do what makes him happy but when he plays up you can see the frustration in my partners face. I told him today he needs to parent differently to what he is now but it makes me feel awful having to tell him this.

OP posts:
Imam0 · 15/12/2021 13:50

You have no business to comment on his parenting. At all. It's not your business.

Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 13:51

@Imam0

I can't comment on much of the other stuff.. But ignoring a small child is exceptionally mean. You don't have children of your own, therefore you cannot comment on his parenting techniques.. Assisting in the upbringing of your niece and nephew is nowhere near in comparison. Your partners son just sound likes he wants his father's attention and he's confused. Please don't be mean to him.
I'm never mean to him he's 5!
OP posts:
CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 15/12/2021 13:51

The boy cuddles me and always wants to play as I sometimes watch him alone while his dad works. well stop doing that for a start.

And toys are pretty essential.

Ozanj · 15/12/2021 13:52

Unless you raised your nephews and neices instead of their parents then you don’t have a clue, I’m sorry. 5 can be a really difficult age as they go through so much change with school / friendships and your partner’s son also has to deal with his dad’s new girlfriend! The best thing you can do for him is to welcome him. You can do this by bringing in little things he likes - toys, snacks, activities. Always cook a bit of the type of food he likes for every meal, so he has something familiar on his plate.

Imam0 · 15/12/2021 13:52

Ignoring him is mean! Encouraging his father to ignore him is mean.
That's not how you parent.

roarfeckingroarr · 15/12/2021 13:53

You sound very involved for a relationship of just over a year

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2021 13:53

This relationship is doomed. Do yourself, and everyone involved, a massive favour by ending it immediately.

Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 13:54

@Bananarama21

You sound very young and naive and can see why a 5 year old is reacting to a situation. Sleeping with df in a unfamiliar house is normal.
Thank you for that. I won't be bringing up this issue again.
OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 15/12/2021 13:54

How old are you?

Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 13:55

@Ozanj

Unless you raised your nephews and neices instead of their parents then you don’t have a clue, I’m sorry. 5 can be a really difficult age as they go through so much change with school / friendships and your partner’s son also has to deal with his dad’s new girlfriend! The best thing you can do for him is to welcome him. You can do this by bringing in little things he likes - toys, snacks, activities. Always cook a bit of the type of food he likes for every meal, so he has something familiar on his plate.
Thanks for the kind advice. I do all of the above.
OP posts:
Imam0 · 15/12/2021 13:55

You shouldn't be involved in parenting your partners son a year into a relationship. You shouldn't be involved in his parenting either.

Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 13:55

@Bananarama21

How old are you?
30
OP posts:
Icecreaminwinter · 15/12/2021 13:55

You shouldn’t be ignoring the poor child to punish him for the way he behaves. That won’t help.

Icecreaminwinter · 15/12/2021 13:55

Do you and you partner live together in your home?

Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 13:56

@Imam0

You shouldn't be involved in parenting your partners son a year into a relationship. You shouldn't be involved in his parenting either.
So it's OK to get involved further down the line?
OP posts:
PinotPony · 15/12/2021 13:57

Other people's kids are hard work especially if you don't have any of your own.

I'm surprised that you're so involved in this little boy's life if you've only been seeing his dad for a year. Better for 5 yo to spend some time just him and his dad rather than sleeping over at yours or being looked after by just you.

I suspect his behaviour may be the result of the upheaval in his life.

KylieKoKo · 15/12/2021 13:57

@Icecreaminwinter

You shouldn’t be ignoring the poor child to punish him for the way he behaves. That won’t help.
I don't think it will do the boy any harm to learn that if you call people stupid they don't want to talk to you to be honest. I think it's more a natural consequence than a punishment to be honest!
pjani · 15/12/2021 13:57

I agree that you don’t sound like you’re showing much kindness or understanding to a small child who has been through a lot by 5. His behaviour suggests sadness and upset to me and your suggested remedies would make it worse not better.

I would recommend reading ‘The book you wish your parents read’ by Phillippa Perry.

Imam0 · 15/12/2021 13:58

You're dad's girlfriend.
You're supposed to be a friendly, safe and trusted adult who has the potential to develop into step mum when that time is right for your partners son.
Right now you're just showing a real immaturity to what actual parenting involves.

Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 13:58

@CheesyFootballsAreEvil

The boy cuddles me and always wants to play as I sometimes watch him alone while his dad works. well stop doing that for a start.

And toys are pretty essential.

He has no other childcare so I have to watch him while his father works. My partner has no family and the boys mom refuses to sort out further childcare as she works too and my partner doesn't earn enother to cover childcare costs.
OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 15/12/2021 13:58

Tbh op I thought you were 19 early 20s. Children especially where they have two homes at ab early age can be challenging especially when new partners are introduced at an early age. My own 5 year old can be changing and emotional let's not forgot they had a difficult 2 years of lockdowns which have impacting their learning you says he's struggles already.

Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 13:59

Thank you! I don't yell at him either when he says this as I feel that's not my place to do so.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 15/12/2021 13:59

What did your bf do before you, it's not appropriate you providing childcare when it's a new relationship.

fournonblondes · 15/12/2021 14:00

Sounds hellish. Do you love your boyfriend to carry on ? It would be a huge deal breaker for me. I am selfish I guess.

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 15/12/2021 14:01

@Laurah356

Thank you! I don't yell at him either when he says this as I feel that's not my place to do so.
No one should be yelling at anyone
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