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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner spoiling his child therefore putting a strain on our relationship.

203 replies

Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 13:26

So I've been with my partner just over a year now. All was well at the start but my partners parenting techniques is putting a strain on our relationship. His son (5) is very wild which ok is probably normal in children I don't have children of my own but I've had a big part in raising my niece (7) and nephew (3) and they're very well behaved and know manners. His son has to be reminded constantly about saying please and thank yous and not to snatch. He's currently going through a phase of not wanting proper food and screams the place down and refuses to eat (ofc his dad has to then cook other meals mainly fatty foods, sausages, chicken nuggets etc but when he's with his mom she says he eats whatever she's eating baked potatoes, fish pies, Sunday dinners etc. He also pretends to cry like ALOT to get his dad's attention over little things such as last night because he didn't have a basketball to play with, I told my partner to ignore his tantrums but he said he couldn't bring himself to do that. Low and behold today his dad has brought him a basketball! I told him that's not what you do as now he thinks he can get everything he wants by throwing tantrums. He's very cheeky and calls me stupid and I reply by telling him "I dont appreciate that" and that word should not be said in my home I then proceed to ignore him which helps a little but then after a day or two he starts again. I've also told his dad he needs to start doing educational things with him as he's too distracted and his school has said he needs extra support with his learning, my partner believes his son should do what makes him happy but when he plays up you can see the frustration in my partners face. I told him today he needs to parent differently to what he is now but it makes me feel awful having to tell him this.

OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 15/12/2021 15:24

You have crossed the line from gf to nanny. Therefore imo you have authority to hand out' discipline' when a dc is rude to you. If his df won't teach him basic manners then as the nanny it is up to you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2021 15:50

Can I just check my reading of your posts with you @Laurah356?

A couple of times you've used the term 'my home'. Not 'our home', but 'my home'. It made me wonder if DP moved in with you, rather than you with him or even both of you moving to a joint place together.

The reason I'm asking is that your partner of "just over a year now" sounds like a bit of a Disney Dad (just want the child to see him as fun to be with), who wants you to do the childcare rather than do it himself. Which led me to wonder whether he moved in with you in order to have you available and feeling that you were obliged to be his unpaid childcare.

In short - is your boyfriend of just over a year a cocklodger, and would you be better getting shot of him?

katie9998 · 15/12/2021 15:52

@Imam0

Well she has the gumption to ignore and tell a 5 year old child off, why not use that same gumption to tell her partner she won't be his free childcare any longer?
Maybe, just maybe, she is ignoring the child because she is not rewarding bad behaviour by giving it any attention, and if any child is rude to an adult then that adult in the normal world will tell the child that that behaviour is unacceptable. (or in other words "tell them off")
zebra · 15/12/2021 15:53

You need to take a step back. You're not his parent. I had similar issues with my (ex)stepson. I'd only get involved if he was doing something that directly had a negative impact on me (for example being noisy after I'd gone to bed) or was doing something unsafe. Even then I'd use dad as an intermediary where possible.

vodkaredbullgirl · 15/12/2021 15:59

Hmm you have a lot to learn.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/12/2021 16:11

You've only been together a year aren't you supposed to be going to on dates?

It's every other post on here, met a chap, 6 month later living together

Why is everyone is such a rush to live together and get entwined in relationships without getting know each other properly? He is not 20 OP, with no responsibilities, he has a child and this child should be his main priority. It's all arse about face.

Goldbar · 15/12/2021 16:25

You're blaming the wrong person here.

A lot of this little boy's "misbehaviour" is either not misbehaviour at all or is fairly trivial. The wanting his dad to stay with him at night and not eating someone else's food (even if it's what he would have at home) - irritating but perfectly normal. My DC eats things at home that he won't touch in a restaurant or at someone else's house. It's about familiarity. I wouldn't consider buying a basketball 'spoiling' either... it's the sort of toy a 5yo should have as it promotes active outdoor exercise and interaction with his dad.

The rudeness/wildness needs addressing but is not unusual in a 5yo. A gentle 'don't do that' or 'we don't speak to people like that' followed by a stern no and warning, followed by a time out is how we deal with that sort of behaviour here. Kids this age often have big emotions that they can't deal with, so tantrums and flouncing about are quite common. Some children are easy-going, some children are harder work.

What is unacceptable is his dad using you as free childcare. Big warning sign. You're in a relationship, you're not the nanny.

ImmutableSexQueen · 15/12/2021 16:32

End your relationship with this man immediately. You don't like his son. You don't like the way he 'parents'. Why is the child coming to your house? Does the father live there? Why are you the default childcare?

Don't bother with answers, we all know enough. Sack the loser dad before he gets you pregnant and you're stuck with him in your life for eighteen years.

Aaa456789 · 15/12/2021 16:34

We’re people are telling you it’s none of your business. It is your business when his child is in your house, eating your food and calling you stupid. Your partner sounds like a Disney dad, I totally agree with your parenting. Ignore MN they always have it in for the step parent. Disney dad won’t change, best bet is to leave relationship and meet someone with the same parenting standards! Good luck either way.

NowEvenBetter · 15/12/2021 16:56

The point is, the child shouldn’t be in her house, she shouldn’t be providing childcare. Also, she’s not a step parent, she’s a pretty new girlfriend to a deadbeat bloke.

HeartsAndClubs · 15/12/2021 17:07

You are far too involved here.

You’ve been with this man all of 5 minutes and already you’re telling him how to parent his child. You know nothing about parenting given you don’t have children of your own, and no, having nieces and nephews does not qualify.

Incidentally, how soon in was this child introduced to you?

This child’s life sounds chaotic. The father works but instead of looking after his own child he dumps him on his girlfriend who seems to think she knows it all. And meanwhile the child is caught in the middle.

You need to step way back and tell him to parent his own child, and at this point it’s not your place to tell either of them what they should be doing.

It’s hard being involved with someone who has children, and it’s not for everyone, it wouldn’t be for me. And tbh it sounds as if it’s not really for you either.

SpaceshiptoMars · 15/12/2021 19:02

I keep seeing capable young women on here - full time work, making good money, own flat - and they settle for these 'charming' but frankly incapable lads.

Why Laurah? Do you not realize what a catch you are? Has he dazzled you with elfin good looks or something? Are you an inveterate Rescuer?

SnowWhitesSM · 15/12/2021 19:10

My only advice is RUN OP. You are not selfish, you are not crazy you are not mean.

Or set yourself up for a lifetime of resentment. Spoilt 5 yr olds turn into spoilt 8 yr olds and then spoilt 12 yr olds.

You could try having one more conversation with your partner. You could say something like - omg I am finding step parenting such hard work. Can you please help me, I think we should go to parenting classes together and work this out so we're all happy. Then if he's willing to do that he will be told to - build a routine to include reading with his son, a bedtime and him putting him to bed and not sleeping with him and he will learn boundaries and positive parenting techniques. But if he's not willing to learn then dump him. There's loads of lovely men out there without dc and issues.

CherylPorter350 · 15/12/2021 20:36

Wow...so much judgement here!!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/12/2021 20:50

I would be taking a massive step back in this situation and only seeing him when he doesn't have his son. You don't say whether you live together? If you don't, I'd suggest that you keep it that way.

Lostmyway86 · 15/12/2021 20:52

Of course it's your business OP. Of course you can offer parenting advice OP. Of course you are allowed a day OP. Of course you can have an opinion on your partners parenting OP.

Sadly, you've come to the wrong forum if you want sensible advice. I am a step-mother and have been for 6 years. Personally I've been through all sorts of hell. You're damned if you get too involved, damned if you don't. It's a thankless task. If I could go back 6 years I would walk away, despite now having my own DC and being married etc (oh wow apparently now I'm allowed a say with regards my DSC according to MN as I have a ring on my finger....unless that say is bad of course, then I'm an evil stepmother. If I complain about my own DC though it's totally fine and I'm a struggling/normal mother blah blah).

Anyway, be aware being a stepparent is bloody hard. Way harder than being a parent. Really consider if this is what you want. And if you do, I can send you a DM of a far more supportive forum for stepmums (yes I'm calling you that as that's what you are!)

Lostmyway86 · 15/12/2021 20:58

And also, put an end to being unpaid childcare now!! Not your job, you'll never be thanked for it. If you stay with this man, disengage, step back, let him do the parenting and be welcoming and kind but try to disengage from everything else. Would have saved me a lot of pain. I think MN are putting the blame at the wrong persons door here. The dad should be getting the bashing not you. You are totally and utterly right to be frustrated and fed up.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/12/2021 21:50

You sound controlling.

Its really not your place to tell him how to parent. Stay out of it.

Original poster
Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 22:52

@Lostmyway86

Of course it's your business OP. Of course you can offer parenting advice OP. Of course you are allowed a day OP. Of course you can have an opinion on your partners parenting OP.

Sadly, you've come to the wrong forum if you want sensible advice. I am a step-mother and have been for 6 years. Personally I've been through all sorts of hell. You're damned if you get too involved, damned if you don't. It's a thankless task. If I could go back 6 years I would walk away, despite now having my own DC and being married etc (oh wow apparently now I'm allowed a say with regards my DSC according to MN as I have a ring on my finger....unless that say is bad of course, then I'm an evil stepmother. If I complain about my own DC though it's totally fine and I'm a struggling/normal mother blah blah).

Anyway, be aware being a stepparent is bloody hard. Way harder than being a parent. Really consider if this is what you want. And if you do, I can send you a DM of a far more supportive forum for stepmums (yes I'm calling you that as that's what you are!)

Thank you! It's damn hard and I think some of the posters here has never had to deal with a stepchild. I would appreciate that DM.
OP posts:
Original poster
Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 22:57

@Lostmyway86

And also, put an end to being unpaid childcare now!! Not your job, you'll never be thanked for it. If you stay with this man, disengage, step back, let him do the parenting and be welcoming and kind but try to disengage from everything else. Would have saved me a lot of pain. I think MN are putting the blame at the wrong persons door here. The dad should be getting the bashing not you. You are totally and utterly right to be frustrated and fed up.
I've had a word about the childcare arrangements with my partner. I got upset when I told him I think me being alone with him while he's working all day is far too much too soon. He understands and says he would never force me to do it but my problem is I do it from the goodness of my heart. I've told him I feel terrible if I had to be sharp with the child if he was misbehaving under my care as I feel that's not my place to do so but at the same time the child has to learn right from wrong. People keep saying it's not upto the mother of his child to sort childcare while he's with us but I disagree with that. I mean if my partner didn't have me what would she expect him to do?
OP posts:
Original poster
Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 23:06

Thank you.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/12/2021 23:11

OP you're being too nice, honestly. You'll always be unpaid childcare whilst ever you let him take advantage. What would he do if you left him? It's really not your problem to solve. I have been a step mum for many years. I have never once been treated as childcare for my husband's kids.

candlelightsatdawn · 15/12/2021 23:11

Aww look we have people actually praising a Disney dad, and blaming op for all the evil in the world. Standard on this board. The reason why your getting a lot of heat OP as the majority of the really nasty comments aren't coming from SP but part of the golden uterus club and unless you have been dating someone for 10 years and the broke up 30 years ago on some people's eyes it will always be too fast and the Pearl clutching starts

Clearly your frustrated with being used as defacto childcare, I think your partner shouldn't be doing this. As trusted adult for any of the children in my care they absolutely have to speak to me with kindness and respect or they would get pulled up on it by me and the parent.

Just because I have a DD apparently I got given a guide on perfect way to parent 😂😂 so anyone that hasn't can't comment - can't make this stuff up.
Nacho disengage with this though not because your a bad person and getting it all wrong but because a year or so down the line this weight will effect your mental health.

I imagine op he would be expected to look after his own child or pay for childcare. You have no moral or otherwise obligation to be childcare.

excelledyourself · 15/12/2021 23:38

People keep saying it's not upto the mother of his child to sort childcare while he's with us but I disagree with that. I mean if my partner didn't have me what would she expect him to do?

Maybe work a job that doesn't involve weekends. Work school hours, since the kid is in school.

Basically the same thing any parent has to do - think for himself about how to manage his contact time.

That's not the mum's job. Or anyone else's.

NowEvenBetter · 16/12/2021 00:42

That would be his issue to sort. Not his new girlfriends problem, of course.

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