Page 6 | Partner spoiling his child therefore putting a strain on our relationship.

Laurah356 · 2021-12-15T13:26:58+00:00

So I've been with my partner just over a year now. All was well at the start but my partners parenting techniques is putting a strain on our relationship. His son (5) is very wild which ok is probably normal in children I don't have children of my own but I've had a big part in raising my niece (7) and nephew (3) and they're very well behaved and know manners. His son has to be reminded constantly about saying please and thank yous and not to snatch. He's currently going through a phase of not wanting proper food and screams the place down and refuses to eat (ofc his dad has to then cook other meals mainly fatty foods, sausages, chicken nuggets etc but when he's with his mom she says he eats whatever she's eating baked potatoes, fish pies, Sunday dinners etc. He also pretends to cry like ALOT to get his dad's attention over little things such as last night because he didn't have a basketball to play with, I told my partner to ignore his tantrums but he said he couldn't bring himself to do that. Low and behold today his dad has brought him a basketball! I told him that's not what you do as now he thinks he can get everything he wants by throwing tantrums. He's very cheeky and calls me stupid and I reply by telling him "I dont appreciate that" and that word should not be said in my home I then proceed to ignore him which helps a little but then after a day or two he starts again. I've also told his dad he needs to start doing educational things with him as he's too distracted and his school has said he needs extra support with his learning, my partner believes his son should do what makes him happy but when he plays up you can see the frustration in my partners face. I told him today he needs to parent differently to what he is now but it makes me feel awful having to tell him this.

Tattler2 · 16/12/2021 00:59

It is not a woman's job to sort her adult ex's child care arrangements. The ex is an adult and if he has to work, attend a metro , choose to engage in a hobby when he is scheduled to have his child, it is his responsibility to sort that out and make appropriate alternative arrangements. That is a responsibility that comes with being an adult.
It is not incumbent upon the child's mother to assist the adult father in making arrangements for child care when the child is in his custody.

Parents who coparent well are generally amenable to assisting each other when necessary ,but a man who chooses to outsource his obligation to an unwilling spouse or partner is not a situation in which the the mom should have to become involved.

I think that it would terrify me if I had to think that should something happen to me, that my children would be left in the hands of a man who on his own could not responsibly resolve basic every day life situations.

I cannot understand how some men or women can choose to have a child with someone who at the onset is incapable of adequate decision making and or fully supporting a child should something happen to them.

sixpencenonethepoorer · 16/12/2021 12:04

Parenting is opinion. People have very fixed views on how parenting should happen - but rarely the same fixed view as each other!

Tantrums could be seen as bad behaviour. Or they could be a sign of insecurity, or some form of neurodivergency such as ADHD or autism.

In my experience (mum, stepmum, secondary teacher), kids rarely act out for no good reason. They do sometimes, but if it's persistent there is usually a reason. Also, if the behaviour isn't changing, especially in a 5 year old, then it's up to the adult to change their behaviour instead and approach it differently. Because they're the adult.

In terms of his dad sleeping with him - definitely let that go. He's such a small child, in a new situation (I know you say it's not, but to him it's not his mum-and-dad) that he's unsure of. It's absolutely fine for his dad to sleep with him and make him feel loved and secure. He's 5. It's just an aspect of a blended situation that sometimes needs to be accepted.

Of course, it's not compulsory to stay with him. But staying with him would mean accepting all of this. It's not for everyone!

Furiousfalala · 16/12/2021 12:12

LTB

Your man comes with a 5 year old, it's a package. If you are struggling wit this it is time to move on. Your needs don't matter much in this scenario, it's the boy's needs that must come first.

Remove yourself and find a man without a child.

sassbott · 16/12/2021 16:05

@Laurah356 my advice is to reset this relationship, massively.

Stop doing his childcare
Let him have contact / parent as he wishes to do, without you there.
Focus on your adult/ intimate relationship and nothing else.

I was in your position, my exes youngest displayed similar behaviours and he wasn’t tackling them at all. I took the view that it wasn’t my place to tell him how to parent his children but that also I no longer wished to be around for contact/ have any part of it happen in my house. So essentially he could parent as he wished and I didn’t have to have the poor behaviours impacting my home/ my children.

I asked him that we focus on our relationship away from the children. Interestingly enough, he wasn’t happy with that set up. Because he wasn’t getting the help he needed.

I don’t regret putting my boundaries in. It very quickly showed me that he didn’t love me and want to be with me for us. The priority was not building a stable, secure and healthy adult intimate relationship. Not for him. For him, he wanted me involved and helping him with his children. I was useful to him.

candlelightsatdawn · 16/12/2021 20:13

Op @sassbott is spot on, also we had a very similar post a few weeks ago and when OP said actually your all right, actually he is taking the piss(she posted on this board too)

Op told him as such suddenly he started gaslighting her saying she must hate his kid ect and effectively trying to guilt her into staying and being his weekend childcare.

I can't remember the thread name but the similarities are really common.

I will bet money on it though, one way or another he won't be happy you stepping away. You need to be aware of this because it's a trap 🪤

SandyY2K · 19/12/2021 02:09

People keep saying it's not upto the mother of his child to sort childcare while he's with us but I disagree with that.

Is your partner responsible for childcare when his son is with his mother? Clearly not, as he doesn't do it when it's his custody time.

Each parent is responsible for childcare when the child is with them.
It's not the mum's fault that your partner is using you for free childcare. I mean he got a job on the basis of his GF of less than a year (at the time) being solely responsible for looking after his 5 year old while he's working.

I mean if my partner didn't have me what would she expect him to do?

It's his responsibility.

This guy really doesn't sound like a great catch. Don't settle for less than you deserve in a relationship.

SandyY2K · 19/12/2021 02:38

I told my partner to ignore his tantrums

I told him that's not what you do as now he thinks he can get everything he wants by throwing tantrums.

I've also told his dad he needs to start doing educational things with him as he's too distracted and his school has said he needs extra support with his learning, my partner believes his son should do what makes him happy

This isn't what a good father looks like. He ignores his child's educational needs and doesn't provide support.
Why is a mam like this attractive to remain in a relationship with? Raise your bar a little higher.

He says that why his last relationship broke up as his ex parented alot differently to his.

Your partner is the problem here.

How much better is your life with him in it? What does he bring to the table?

You bring free childcare for him. He stays at your house.

At 30, you're not at the age that you have no other options and should settle for this.

Original poster

Laurah356 · 19/12/2021 09:03

@SandyY2K

I told my partner to ignore his tantrums

I told him that's not what you do as now he thinks he can get everything he wants by throwing tantrums.

I've also told his dad he needs to start doing educational things with him as he's too distracted and his school has said he needs extra support with his learning, my partner believes his son should do what makes him happy

This isn't what a good father looks like. He ignores his child's educational needs and doesn't provide support.
Why is a mam like this attractive to remain in a relationship with? Raise your bar a little higher.

He says that why his last relationship broke up as his ex parented alot differently to his.

Your partner is the problem here.

How much better is your life with him in it? What does he bring to the table?

You bring free childcare for him. He stays at your house.

At 30, you're not at the age that you have no other options and should settle for this.

I'm no longer replying to posts here as many parents without step kids are posting and giving advice. I've now posted elsewhere and the people there have given me sensible advice without criticism. Thanks anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

Laurah356 · 19/12/2021 09:07

@hassletassle

Low and behold today his dad has brought him a basketball! I told him that's not what you do

It's NONE of your business! You haven't raised children, and even if you had, it's still
none of your business.

Sorry, do you have stepchildren? Yeah I'm pretty heartbroken that I probably wont get the chance to have and raise my own children so thanks for the criticism and the reminder :)

OP posts:

sixpencenonethepoorer · 19/12/2021 09:12

OP you've had a lot of advice on this thread. Quite a lot good too - I think people are surprised that you would allow yourself to be treated this way.

However, I'm a stepmum and a mum. I wouldn't allow my partner to tell me to parent in a different way to the one I feel is appropriate. And if my small child was crying for me at night - no way would I allow my partner to try to put the brakes on me going to him. They'd have to cope with the odd night sleeping alone. Because they're an adult, and I have a small child who needed me.

I get it's hard, believe me! I know how hard it is being a step parent. But honestly - it's not compulsory. Maybe some difficult decisions to make? Either stay and accept it (I did! It's tough!), or consider if it's right for you? I don't think staying and making them change the way they do things is going to be an option by the sounds of it.

timeisnotaline · 19/12/2021 09:21

People keep saying it's not upto the mother of his child to sort childcare while he's with us but I disagree with that. I mean if my partner didn't have me what would she expect him to do?
Umm what every other parent does? Take responsibility for his child on his contact days? Otherwise you have a woman who is full time responsible for childcare only getting child support based on part time contact. Child support isn’t enough to pay for childcare. So is she supposed to quit work those days so he can work, even though s
She no longer benefits from him working? Or pay out of her own salary to cover childcare so he can work? Either way is completely unfair- they are not a couple. She doesn’t owe him unpaid unthanked wife work. Each parent needs to pull their weight. You’re buying this kid clothes because his Disney dad only buys toys- clearly his ex is already doing most of the parenting.

sassbott · 19/12/2021 10:17

@Laurah356 plenty of people here have given You helpful advice, myself included. But I’m curious. What is the better advice you have received elsewhere?

PeeAche · 19/12/2021 14:04

Hey OP, sorry you've been flamed. This part of the forum is really tough going sometimes and lots of the women that come here are not step mothers and do, unfortunately, leap to some conclusions.

That said, they are all experienced in raising children and tucked away within the nonsense are some astute points.

This little boy is acting out because there has been a lot of upheaval in his life. You and his dad moving in together is a very very big deal for all of you and it does take time to settle down.

It doesn't make you a bad person because you feel like your boyfriend makes some poor decisions and, of course, it also doesn't mean you hate his son. The world is not so black and white.

Similarly, whilst the little one shouldn't be impolite to you, telling you to "shut up" doesn't mean he hates you either.

Your DH and the little boy's mum are his primary parents and they get to decide how to parent him. And that does include what they feed him and how many toys they buy him.
Many millions of step parents go through the stage you are in - I still don't agree with the amount of sugar and screen time my DH allows his children - but you need to learn to step back. It's Step-Back-Parenting!

The exception to this is if you ever think a child is neglected or in danger.

You absolutely should voice your thoughts on how the little boy speaks to you. You can tell the little boy directly but always make sure to tell Dad too. Don't dish out punishments, but talk about feelings. Ask the little boy how he would feel if you told him to shut up. We went to dinner at a friend's last night and I told somebody else's child off for smacking me round the head with a toy drill. You are allowed to set your own boundaries with any other human being, obviously!

There is a role for you in this little boy's life, but you alone do not get to decide what that is. It's up to both of you to do this. Remember he will test boundaries in very clumsy ways because he is young and still learning. In time, and with patience, it will form and if you are careful and kind, it will be one of the most rewarding relationships in your entire life.

I taught both of my step children to swim. I helped my step son ditch his dummy. I convinced my step daughter to try lasagne and now it is her favourite food. But it has taken years and years and years to build a relationship like this.

I can still remember the very very first time I spent the night in their house (whilst they were there) - we'd known each other years at this point. I stayed for dinner and then we told them I might stay the night, if they didn't mind. My step daughter said "okay, daddy" but she looked as though my DH (then boyfriend) had said "we're thinking of murdering the cat!" It's funny when I look back at that point; when I felt like I could never be part of their lives.

Anyway, for you it's been just 1 year - if you're in this for the long haul, there will be many more. And the challenges come thick and fast.

You have to accept that you can't change the way your DH parents this boy. It will make the little boy happier, it will make your DH happier and it will make you happier too. Please trust me on this.

This morning, my step son couldn't find his toothbrush and my DH said "use your sister's". For a moment, I felt like bouncing out of bed and dealing with this atrocity:

"How do you lose a toothbrush??"
"I have some spares in the towel cupboard"
"That's not fair on your sister!"
"Look for it yourself!"
"HOW DO YOU LOSE A FREAKING TOOTHBRUSH???"

But DH had "dealt" with it, in his own disorganised and scruffy way. So, I thought "fuck it" rolled over and carried on with my new book.

.... later I found the toothbrush on the table in the hall. Nobody died and I got my lie in.

Original poster

Laurah356 · 19/12/2021 19:57

@PeeAche