Partner spoiling his child therefore putting a strain on our relationship.

[Laurah356]

So I've been with my partner just over a year now. All was well at the start but my partners parenting techniques is putting a strain on our relationship. His son (5) is very wild which ok is probably normal in children I don't have children of my own but I've had a big part in raising my niece (7) and nephew (3) and they're very well behaved and know manners. His son has to be reminded constantly about saying please and thank yous and not to snatch. He's currently going through a phase of not wanting proper food and screams the place down and refuses to eat (ofc his dad has to then cook other meals mainly fatty foods, sausages, chicken nuggets etc but when he's with his mom she says he eats whatever she's eating baked potatoes, fish pies, Sunday dinners etc. He also pretends to cry like ALOT to get his dad's attention over little things such as last night because he didn't have a basketball to play with, I told my partner to ignore his tantrums but he said he couldn't bring himself to do that. Low and behold today his dad has brought him a basketball! I told him that's not what you do as now he thinks he can get everything he wants by throwing tantrums. He's very cheeky and calls me stupid and I reply by telling him "I dont appreciate that" and that word should not be said in my home I then proceed to ignore him which helps a little but then after a day or two he starts again. I've also told his dad he needs to start doing educational things with him as he's too distracted and his school has said he needs extra support with his learning, my partner believes his son should do what makes him happy but when he plays up you can see the frustration in my partners face. I told him today he needs to parent differently to what he is now but it makes me feel awful having to tell him this.

I'm no longer replying to posts here as many parents without step kids are posting and giving advice.

How is that any worse than you, a non-parent, TELLING your DP how to parent?

Just detach and stop doing the childcare.

Oh OP, I'm sorry for your troubles TTC. I struggled with infertility and losses for years. My first marriage broke down because of it.

Sadly, it is something you will be bullied about on the step parenting forums. I think lots of women are very judgemental of women that cannot conceive naturally, but they would never say so in real life. Mumsnet gives them the anonymity to do so without any recourse.

@PeeAche thats not very fair. I have friends who have gone through years of TTC. Multiple round of failed IVF. The bruises, injections, heartache, tears, then repeat. Not once have I judged any one of my friends for not being able to conceive. All it has made me is even more intensely grateful that I was able to to have my children. It’s nothing more than pure luck from what I can see. And it’s heartbreaking for those who cannot (for some through completely unknown reasons) conceive.

@Laurah356 what advice have you received that you didn’t get here? I’ve asked before and you haven’t answered.

From what I can see from you recent posts, you’ve had a convo with your BF and stepped back from being the default childcare. Which is what most posters here advised. I certainly did. You’re also focussing on your relationship. Again, which I advised.

So I ask you again, why are you hammering posters on here when their advice is exactly what you have followed?

I fail to see where OP is being bullied for her infertility troubles?

@sassbott - you probably weren't there when a group of women piled on me on here and called me "pathetic" for struggling with infertility and being a childless step mother.

I can see right below that immediately after OP says she's unintentionally childless women piling on and telling her she's not allowed an opinion because she's not a parent.

Of course not all women judge infertile women - you sound very kind and warm! But let's be honest, it's got to be rife here for a reason. These are actual people that are saying these things - and yet, not things you hear IRL. Only within the anonymous protection of the internet.

[quote PeeAche]@sassbott - you probably weren't there when a group of women piled on me on here and called me "pathetic" for struggling with infertility and being a childless step mother.

I can see right below that immediately after OP says she's unintentionally childless women piling on and telling her she's not allowed an opinion because she's not a parent.

Of course not all women judge infertile women - you sound very kind and warm! But let's be honest, it's got to be rife here for a reason. These are actual people that are saying these things - and yet, not things you hear IRL. Only within the anonymous protection of the internet. [/quote]
@PeeAche

If you're referring to me, I was pointing out the hypocrisy of OP's post. Nothing more.

I would never, and have never, judged anyone over their ability, or choice, to have children.

That doesn't mean I won't call out hypocrisy when I see it.

@PeeAche I am so deeply sorry that that happened. It’s unforgivable and just keyboard warriors doing what they do best. Typing words without any thought that there is a human being on the other side. for you.

My advice to the Op (as a mum and ex SM) was irrelevant to whether she is a parent or not. I’m a parent and I still took a huge step back from my exp’s contact/ parenting. For me, step parenting is not really about whether you are a parent or not (basically because as a SP, you’re not the child’s parent so it’s irrelevant IMO). It’s about the situation. Too many situations on here are (unfortunately) about parents (in the main men) getting a new partner, pushing their responsibilities onto their partner and the partner being caught in a no win situation as a result.

These are tough situations. And 9 times out of 10? A parent is causing it.

[quote PeeAche]@sassbott - you probably weren't there when a group of women piled on me on here and called me "pathetic" for struggling with infertility and being a childless step mother.

I can see right below that immediately after OP says she's unintentionally childless women piling on and telling her she's not allowed an opinion because she's not a parent.

Of course not all women judge infertile women - you sound very kind and warm! But let's be honest, it's got to be rife here for a reason. These are actual people that are saying these things - and yet, not things you hear IRL. Only within the anonymous protection of the internet. [/quote]
I’m sorry that happened to you and I didn’t see it don’t recall your thread but the comments to the op are not because she struggles with infertility.

@excelledyourself can you explain how OP was being hypocritical? Genuinely I can't see that and (I'm willing to say may have missed something)

@PeeAche I saw that post you got piled on. It got really dammed nasty actually. Usual suspects as per.

When ttc I found it really hurtful actually people saying that, you don't know because your not xyz, funnily enough though my parenting views have pretty much stayed the same since DD bar one laughable thought that I wouldn't allow her screen time.

You have always sounded like a fab SM, those kids are lucky to have you as is your DH

@candlelightsatdawn

It's in my post at 10.28

People are being side tracked by the ops infertility. The op gives this child the silent treatment. She ignores him. Which is abusive behaviour and made even worse when it’s a small child who will not understand why he is getting the silent treatment.

Her infertility is not thr topic here,it is she disagrees with her partners way of parenting his child, when it’s a relatively new relationship and simply not her place. In addition the advice she is giving him could be harmful for many children.

@excelledyourself

OP I'm no longer replying to posts here as many parents without step kids are posting and giving advice*.

How is that any worse than you, a non-parent, TELLING your DP how to parent?

Just detach and stop doing the childcare*.

Ahhh right didn't catch that comment from Op. Now fair enough if you do a call out to just SMs but I don't believe this was the case here, as actually comments from other people can be useful if constructive which yours was on the whole.

I get where your coming from although I suspect it hit on a sore spot for op, (one of which if I was in her shoes read it like she did because of my issues around fertility) but I don't think her fertility had been mentioned earlier in the thread so you wouldn't have known (or maybe I missed it 😵‍💫)

However I don't think actually you were the one PP was mentioning re a pile on re fertility, there were certainly more direct and aggressive comments on that the above you wrote.

Just my take on it.

@bluntness100 I would say someone not engaging with the child for a while after the child has called them stupid is a natural consequence. I'm not sure it's abusive to teach a child that people won't want to talk to them if they call them stupid.

She's not abusing her boyfriends kid, ffs. 🙄 I think that is also something of a side track.

[quote sassbott]@PeeAche thats not very fair. I have friends who have gone through years of TTC. Multiple round of failed IVF. The bruises, injections, heartache, tears, then repeat. Not once have I judged any one of my friends for not being able to conceive. All it has made me is even more intensely grateful that I was able to to have my children. It’s nothing more than pure luck from what I can see. And it’s heartbreaking for those who cannot (for some through completely unknown reasons) conceive.

@Laurah356 what advice have you received that you didn’t get here? I’ve asked before and you haven’t answered.

From what I can see from you recent posts, you’ve had a convo with your BF and stepped back from being the default childcare. Which is what most posters here advised. I certainly did. You’re also focussing on your relationship. Again, which I advised.

So I ask you again, why are you hammering posters on here when their advice is exactly what you have followed?[/quote]
I've actually sat down with my partner and talked to him, I haven't packed his bags and told him and his son to leave like many of the posters here told me to do. I've set boundaries and told my partner I'm not comfortable either taking care of his son alone. I've been an adult about it all. No one told me to sit down and talk with my partner here.

😂😂😂. Do you think I was intimating that you just disappear in a puff of smoke whenever his child was around? Of course you needed to talk to him. About focussing on your relationship and doing less childcare. I thought that part was a given.

Well after a year you're still dad's girlfriend, not a step parent. It's also a big leap for a small boy that in the space of 2 years his parents have separated and his dad has moved in with a new girlfriend. I'd say he's acting pretty much exactly how a 5yo with such big changes in his life in such a small space of time would act tbh. Ignoring him is a horrible thing to do btw. Silent treatment is classed as abusive on MN, not sure why that shouldn't be applied to children too and not just partners.

I'd also say it's none of your business how his dad parents him. And yes, I am a step mum. But I certainly didn't call myself one after 12 months of being with their dad! And I certainly didn't try to change the way he parented HIS children, and wouldn't have been impressed if he tried to change how I parented mine.

I'd suggest if you're not happy with the set up then don't date someone with kids. Or accept that you're only 12 months in (some kids haven't even met their parents new partner at that point let alone staying at their home) and there's bound to be teething troubles. Ultimately though you really don't get to tell your boyfriend how to parent.

@fournonblondes

Sounds hellish. Do you love your boyfriend to carry on ? It would be a huge deal breaker for me. I am selfish I guess.

Same tbh. I wouldn't even be with someone who has kids for these exact reasons

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange

Well after a year you're still dad's girlfriend, not a step parent. It's also a big leap for a small boy that in the space of 2 years his parents have separated and his dad has moved in with a new girlfriend. I'd say he's acting pretty much exactly how a 5yo with such big changes in his life in such a small space of time would act tbh. Ignoring him is a horrible thing to do btw. Silent treatment is classed as abusive on MN, not sure why that shouldn't be applied to children too and not just partners.

I'd also say it's none of your business how his dad parents him. And yes, I am a step mum. But I certainly didn't call myself one after 12 months of being with their dad! And I certainly didn't try to change the way he parented HIS children, and wouldn't have been impressed if he tried to change how I parented mine.

I'd suggest if you're not happy with the set up then don't date someone with kids. Or accept that you're only 12 months in (some kids haven't even met their parents new partner at that point let alone staying at their home) and there's bound to be teething troubles. Ultimately though you really don't get to tell your boyfriend how to parent.

Sorry I fail to see where I referred myself to a step mom? I only posted in this section because I wasn't sure where else to post.

@sassbott

😂😂😂. Do you think I was intimating that you just disappear in a puff of smoke whenever his child was around? Of course you needed to talk to him. About focussing on your relationship and doing less childcare. I thought that part was a given.

Did I say that was in reference to you? I've had posters say "focus on your relationship and then "bin him". I've posted saying that we've come to an arrangement where there would be less involvement on my part and he can spend most of the time with dad even five days a week if he wanted to as his son has told his mom he loves spending time at ours and prefers it there. I just don't see any need for criticism and who said what. I've been an adult about it all the kid is cared for, fed and I just can't see the need for futher criticism and why people seem hell bent on proving me wrong.

@Laurah356 it's not about what you referred to yourself as, it's about the role you're clearly actively assuming ^^ by trying to influence how your boyfriend parents his child.

@Laurah356 you've also told people who aren't step parents that they shouldn't be commenting. Inferring that you see yourself as one.

@Bluntness100

You ignore him? What’s wrong with you? You can’t do this to a child.

Look it doesn’t work for you so end it. But you aren’t even a parent, and pretending you’ve got parenting skills because your sibling does then trying to dictate how your boyfriend parents and pretending to be an expert is all kinds of wrong.

I'm dad's girlfriend, I don't discipline him when he says something wrong or hurtful, I don't reward him either. I don't ignore him all day either and he never goes without. I ignore his tantrums when he cries because he doesn't want proper food instead he wants chocolate. Do we give him the chocolate or the roast dinner with veggies that we cooked? Once he eats the proper food he is then rewarded with the chocolate he wanted rather than his meal. Is that wrong? 🤔

[quote KurtWildesChristmasNamechange]@Laurah356 you've also told people who aren't step parents that they shouldn't be commenting. Inferring that you see yourself as one. [/quote]
Weren't step parents just mom or dad's girlfriend at first? 🤔

[quote KurtWildesChristmasNamechange]@Laurah356 it's not about what you referred to yourself as, it's about the role you're clearly actively assuming ^^ by trying to influence how your boyfriend parents his child. [/quote]
Read my recent reply to a recent post regarding food and then give me your opinion.