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Step-parenting

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Partner spoiling his child therefore putting a strain on our relationship.

203 replies

Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 13:26

So I've been with my partner just over a year now. All was well at the start but my partners parenting techniques is putting a strain on our relationship. His son (5) is very wild which ok is probably normal in children I don't have children of my own but I've had a big part in raising my niece (7) and nephew (3) and they're very well behaved and know manners. His son has to be reminded constantly about saying please and thank yous and not to snatch. He's currently going through a phase of not wanting proper food and screams the place down and refuses to eat (ofc his dad has to then cook other meals mainly fatty foods, sausages, chicken nuggets etc but when he's with his mom she says he eats whatever she's eating baked potatoes, fish pies, Sunday dinners etc. He also pretends to cry like ALOT to get his dad's attention over little things such as last night because he didn't have a basketball to play with, I told my partner to ignore his tantrums but he said he couldn't bring himself to do that. Low and behold today his dad has brought him a basketball! I told him that's not what you do as now he thinks he can get everything he wants by throwing tantrums. He's very cheeky and calls me stupid and I reply by telling him "I dont appreciate that" and that word should not be said in my home I then proceed to ignore him which helps a little but then after a day or two he starts again. I've also told his dad he needs to start doing educational things with him as he's too distracted and his school has said he needs extra support with his learning, my partner believes his son should do what makes him happy but when he plays up you can see the frustration in my partners face. I told him today he needs to parent differently to what he is now but it makes me feel awful having to tell him this.

OP posts:
Laurah356 · 15/12/2021 14:22

@Bananarama21

What did your bf do before you, it's not appropriate you providing childcare when it's a new relationship.
He didn't work and looked after him 5 days a week.
OP posts:
MintLampShade · 15/12/2021 14:22

It is absolutely none of your business how other people (including your DP) parent their children. Unless they specifically ask for your advice (or there is obvious safeguarding issues), keep out of it. You aren't an expert, you do not know best. If you can't deal with it, you need to find a partner without children.

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 15/12/2021 14:23

I then proceed to ignore him which helps a little helps who? I don't think it will help the child.

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 15/12/2021 14:24

Should I tell my partner that he will have to sort out other childcare while he works as I think its too soon to be taking on this responsibility yes

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 15/12/2021 14:28

Another lazy ass man Disney dadding happy to let his current partner be over involved.

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 15/12/2021 14:28

He needs to arrange his work around his childcare or his child contact around his work. Not dump the kid on you.

MzHz · 15/12/2021 14:32

@Laurah356

Also forgot to mention he's recently started to act out when going to bed at mine as he wants his dad to sleep in his bed, so when his son is over I'm left to sleep alone.
Oh ffs, woman up!

Bin him! Bin this Disney dad, leave him to it.

You are his girlfriend not a partner and it’s only a year and it’s not going to work. This is why you take your time, to work out who these guys are and you deserve better.

Honestly if you’re young free and single there are more men out there that don’t come with the baggage.

sadpapercourtesan · 15/12/2021 14:33

The little boy is insecure and struggling, which is showing in his behaviour. Poor little mite doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

His parents split up two years ago, you've been introduced FAR too quickly and now you have sole care of him while his father works. You clearly haven't bonded with him and don't like him (you can deny all you like, it's dripping from your posts and children are very intuitive).

I think you should either leave the relationship or massively step back. This child shouldn't be staying in your home unless his father lives there (and it would be ridiculously too soon for that). You shouldn't be involved in decisions regarding parenting, and certainly shouldn't have care of the child.

MzHz · 15/12/2021 14:35

This bloke is a duff one, through him back in the sea.

His kid is not your problem, the child has 2 parents and it’s absolutely unacceptable to get you to cover his childcare.

Staryflight445 · 15/12/2021 14:35

Butt out and stop giving him parenting advice. Looking after a niece/nephew is so different from looking after your own child.
Much like how children behave at school and then have a massive meltdown at home when they’re in their safe space and can finally unload.

MzHz · 15/12/2021 14:35

Throw! Sorry

theemmadilemma · 15/12/2021 14:38

I lived this life. It made me not want children with my ex-H to the point I'm pretty sure my ovaries shriveled up, thankfully. I couldn't see how those two lives would ever co-exist.

It must have worked out because he has 2 children with the stripper he up duffed and my former SS seems to have to turned out very well rounded from what I see (still FB friends with his Mum). But I do wonder what the struggle was like, maybe by then the gap was enough that it wasn't so problematic.

Strangevipers · 15/12/2021 14:40

You and your partner need to be on the same team

Put it this way back a long time ago when my SC called me a name like stupid or whatever I would explain that I will not tolerate this language in my home or when we are taken him out to do fun things or ever and my husband backed me up and made it clear you don't speak to ANYONE no matter who they are to you from a stranger on a bus to you parent you DO NOT EVER be rude and guess what.... that was nipped right in the bud.

You shouldn't have to tolerate being spoken to rudely by anyone let alone a child that you are trying to love and care for

Imam0 · 15/12/2021 14:40

This relationship is not for you.

Elodeastar · 15/12/2021 14:40

I think you are seeing this 5 year old child as competition - he's not, he's a child and you are an adult, both with completely difference roles/positions in his father's/your partner's life! It sounds like your partner is trying to be a decent dad, and the 5 year old is behaving like most 5 year olds do - pushing boundaries, craving time with his parent, being funny about food in some situations and not in others, and so on. You really need to stop telling your partner how to parent, and let him get on with it - being an aunt, unless you actually were a foster parent/main carer due to their parent(s) being unable, is nothing like being a parent! Are there things you could do to help the 5 year old feel welcome and happy in your house, and not try to push him away/compete with him? You really do need to be the adult here, because you are! I know it might not be ideal, but that's what happens when you date someone with kids!

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2021 14:44

Why are you thinking of leaving the relationship? I think that’s a good idea tbh. You’re not on the same page as your partner, he’s taking advantage of you and doesn’t mind his son being rude to you, you resent how he parents his son and think it’s okay to tell him what to do instead.

Walk away. Find someone who doesn’t have kids.

1forAll74 · 15/12/2021 14:45

You have no children of your own, and are now having to deal with a child , who comes from a broken relationship, so you will have to accept some types of behaviour patterns that occur,from the child and his Father. It must be a very confusing time for a child to live through

glittereyelash · 15/12/2021 14:46

It sounds like you don't like the child. You haven't mentioned one positive thing about him. Even the way you speak about your niece and nephew speaks volumes. Were your niece and nephew living with you for a period or did you care for them full time because unless you did please don't take credit for raising them. Being a parent is extremely difficult and maybe try offering your partner positive support rather than continuously criticising his parenting.

NowEvenBetter · 15/12/2021 14:55

There’s honestly a thread like this posted every day. So many women raising some useless fuckwits kid for him. Why? Would you not rather get a better boyfriend?or be single?

You should absolutely not be providing childcare for you boyfriends kid, you’re being made a mug of. He needs to source childcare, and also be a better parent to the child he chose to create. Make sure your contraception is strong if you choose to keep being made a mug of.

luverlybubberly · 15/12/2021 14:57

I think that some of the replies are unfair.

I think that your partner is showing major red flags and personally I'd be breaking up with him- especially if I might want kids in the future.

sociallydistained · 15/12/2021 15:01

If you see things you don’t like then I highly suggest you leave now. If you end up pregnant by him you are going to be in a right mess. It sounds like you’re unhappy most of the time anyway.

My partner has a child and I sometimes think I’d do things differently there but it is his child! I have also seen enough to know he’s a good Dad and I’d be happy having children with him and that means taking on his daughter too (good job as I’m pregnant!)

simonisnotme · 15/12/2021 15:02

you dont like the lad, your used as unpaid childcare and his father buys stuff to shut him up
bin the pair of them

CookSproutsInSoySauce · 15/12/2021 15:13

You've only been together for a year. In my opinion, its too new a relationship to be introduced to the child, not alone for you to have any part in how his father raises him.

Ariann · 15/12/2021 15:17

OP: "He has no other childcare so I have to watch him while his father works. My partner has no family and the boys mom refuses to sort out further childcare as she works too and my partner doesn't earn enough to cover childcare costs."

So - you are 30 years old, have been with him for a year and are now an unpaid child minder for HIS 5 year old kid?
Honestly, can't you do better than this man?

Why on earth would you want this set-up - and this is only a year in!
He has no money to pay for his own childcare. What does he have to offer you in life?

Staryflight445 · 15/12/2021 15:20

I agree with that too @CookSproutsInSoySauce I have an old friend who split up with his wife this year, 2 months later in a photo with his new piece and her child at the child’s birthday party. Loads of photos of him and child together bonding before this too. It’s bizarre to me.

I think many of us are alone in this though.

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