What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

Goodness, you'd think that DSS was Orphan Annie based on these responses! Did people miss the part where OP explained that his pre-university primary residence was at his mother's house?

I think it was very unwise to get rid of DSS's bedroom completely when he's still at uni. What if he doesn't get a job afterwards immediately and wants to come back home? I think the room needs to be a bedroom for whenever DS wants it, and then your office when he's not using it. Whether it's a sofa bed, or some other temporary kind of bed.

6 days is not an unexpectedly long time for a student to be home over Christmas. It sounds like you just don't want him around. I'd be hurt if I were him.

DSS has a home!!! He only stays at the OPs place a handful of nights a year. I think his mum lives in a different part of the same town and that's his primary residence.

Several people have suggested you work in your bedroom for the time he is with you, and he can sleep in your study. Surely that's the best option? How many of the 6 days will you actually be working for? I get that you don't want to work in your bedroom permanently, but surely it would be OK for a few days?

It doesn’t matter if your dss already has a mum. You are supposed to be his stepmum. It is totally alien to me to think of someone else’s child without using my mum hat. I’m talking about children in general, dd’s friends. I don’t have any kind of weird hierarchy in my head, where my child is superior to all other children. I also think children have 2 homes when their parents are not together.

You still haven’t answered the question about moving out of your office for a few days. It seems to be an affront to you to have to move out of ‘your’ room and I also wonder if you don’t like this lad.

I get an overwhelming sense of hostility, dissatisfaction and anger from your posts. The comment about your dd perhaps not trusting you when she has children should really give you pause for thought. Sadly your thought process sounds incredibly brittle. Are you depressed or something? Or really dissatisfied in your marriage?

Op as someone with three children, in the circumstances you describe I would be doing everything I possibly could to encourage my oldest to want to come home more by making him feel as welcome as possible.
We would certainly make the office a private and comfortable space for them when they visited. For those periods I would go back to working in my bedroom. I would get a more comfortable/permanent place for them to sleep if space allowed(a fold out fouton/chair).
Imagine this is your daughter in a couple of years. How would you want to cater for her?

@SpaceshiptoMars

"So you've taken over an entire bedroom for your 'WFH' without a thought for your stepson? hmm That's his home. You've helped yourself to his bedroom! The least you can do is share it and whilst he's visiting, WFH elsewhere in the house! You can't take over his room!!!!"

Oh the outrage! Diddums now.
OP, this is not your child. He is your husband's child. Your husband - you know, the one who has claimed the big office, and made you work in the bedroom. He can bloody well move his desk into the bedroom this time and give his own dear son some space. It is, after all, his responsibility.

You know what? What's the betting that the house is actually owned by the OP, and hers is the main breadwinner job? Highly likely, given that this is Mumsnet!

From memory it was not op’s house.

Of course we'll accommodate him.

Grudgingly, like some annoying stray dog. The poor fellow.

If Santa were real, you'd get nothing but coal.

Are you going to be working over Xmas? If not stick the desk in the garage and give the lad a room. It's family time!

[quote sunshinelover69]@CloudyStorms you have hit the nail on the head there. In the past I have been relied on to do all of the washing/cooking/shopping etc etc for all three kids, and this is when they were all at home full time and not away at uni. I drew a line and told DH he was taking advantage and that I would no longer be taking on everything. I am not going back to that place where it was assumed that I would just take on the additional load.[/quote]
See I totally get this and normally would be telling you to stand firm but I do think that as you've sort of commandeered the room and essentially created the problem you might have a bit of extra responsibility to help resolve by at least reminding dp there's no air bed or ordering online. It might reasonably be considered that buying one was an obvious part of the refurb.

And I totally agree re purposing the room was the right move but adding an air bed to the shopping list or a sofa bed that lives in the office was kind of part of that package imo

@sunshinelover69

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

Ignore all the step mum haters on this chat. No the step son does need need to be provided a full bedroom as a student who actually has a home with his mum. As long as he has somewhere comfortable to sleep when he is there, then he doesn't need anymore than that. Are we supposed to keep bedrooms for children once they've gone "just in case" don't be silly.

Just think about how you would want your daughter treated if she wanted to stay with her father (if that was a possibility) and act accordingly. Please do not make DSS feel unwelcome.

I would clear out the office and use the bedroom for those 6 days he will be there. Surely this won’t kill you for 6 days?

@HoppingPavlova

I would clear out the office and use the bedroom for those 6 days he will be there. Surely this won’t kill you for 6 days?

She may have office furniture built in so it's not possible. The son can surely share a room with his brother for 6 nights. It wouldn't kill him and tbh lots of siblings share. I shared with my sister until I was 21 - I'm still alive

I don't think anyone whether they are bio parents or step parents have any particular obligation to provide bedrooms for adult kids who visit only sporadically for a few days a year.

I'm normally not on the side of SMs on most MN threads but on this, I'm wIth the OP.

Saying that, I don't get the issue, surely you tidy up the office, whack in an air bed and jobsagoodun.

I dont think there is any problem with the boys sharing whatsoever. They are brothers after all and will probably live to see and spend time with one another. There is 8 years between my sons and all is well, sometimes the little one sneaks into bed with the big one and they have a great time.

@mummytotwoboys0600 I wouldn't consider being at uni to be 'gone' from the family home. Uni living arrangements are temporary. The contracts and the house shares dissolve when the course is over and many kids come back home for a time while they look for work. How can they establish their own home until they have a job?

If space is desperately tight then I could envisage making a room dual purpose while a child is at uni, but I wouldn't contemplate telling my child that that there was no room at the inn and they weren't able to come back home at all, even to visit!

I would consider my DC to be 'living at home' until they get a job after uni and I would welcome them back for holidays, especially if I rarely saw them and it was only for SIX days over CHRISTMAS.

OP, is this how you are planning to treat your DD when the time comes?

It's Christmas. Goodwill and harmony. Yes I know you have to work a couple of days. But perhaps for those couple of days you could do so in your bedroom and give DSS a room for the period. That's if he absolutely can't share with the 14yo DSS. They are brothers after all. Sometimes siblings really like that kind of stuff. It can be really special.
Ask yourself what you'd do if it was another guest - say a parent or a good friend. I'm sure you'd give them a room. You actually have more flexible accommodation than most.

Does he have to sleep in a bedroom? Could he just set camp out on an airbed in the lounge on the understanding he clears his stuff to the side so that everyone can use it during daylight hours / you all chilling out together? (Shove airbed behind sofa) Is what we did with guests when we were in a 2 bedder.

I honestly do not know why people seem so intent in just causing issues where there aren't any.
Heaven forbid anything serious occurred....
'Morning dh I ordered a blow up bed for Dss on Amazon as it's so close to Christmas' (replace Amazon with Argos if you don't fancy opening the door)
Why can't people just get along and enjoy their time together... this is a very much you issue!

Just for a few days over Christmas can't you just work back in your bedroom again so he can sleep in your office?

If not I'd agree that 14 and 21 year old siblings sharing is hardly the end of the world!

Is there a reason why your trying to make him feel unwelcome in his Dad’s home? You’ve already taken away his room and now you’re trying to stop him staying? I see no issue with the sleeping arrangements if he shares with this brother. YABVU

@Anoisagusaris

Give him your office, it’s just for 6 days and you can work from your bedroom for those days.

This. He is still a student and it’s his father. It will only be a few days. Work from your bedroom for a few days.

Wow how to make your SS feel unwanted, nice that you've decided to 'accommodate'him though!