What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

@sunshinelover69

Ok I get it. Thanks for your replies. Of course we'll accommodate him. I come from a family who all lived in the same city all their lives so the idea of staying with relatives for an extended period is alien to me. Not saying that's right, just adding some perspective.

In that case your dd staying with you during uni should also be alien but it’s not. You’re just not thinking with your Mum hat on with these boys. You should start because it’s this period that’s the trickiest in parenting and negotiating long term relationships - when they’re somewhat independant but not- don’t be surprised if the way you treat your step-sons becomes a stick for your dd and dh to beat you with. I know a lot of people who have lost / minimal access to gc because their biological kids lost trust in them over the way they treated their step-siblings.

@mummytotwoboys0600

Ignore the comments that you shouldn't have changed the bedroom into an office. The dss is at uni, and is older now. I certainly wouldn't have a room empty for 360 days of the year.

Perhaps give him option to do air bed in sons room, or if not then he can camp in the living room and he will just have be awake when everyone is up.

It's only for 6 days, we don't have to turn the house upside down for one visit. I'm sure the dss won't be expecting to return to an empty bedroom set up for him.

Her dd is also at uni, but gets to keep her room. That’s why people have questioned it.

My daughter doesn't have another home to go to, and I'm fully confident in my relationship with her thanks very much. I've supported her through going NC with my abusive ex husband so I'd be very surprised if she turns against me because of some perceived slight against her step-brothers. What a ridiculous thing to say. Maybe I don't have my 'mum hat' on with my stepsons because they already have an actual mum?

@sunshinelover69

My daughter doesn't have another home to go to, and I'm fully confident in my relationship with her thanks very much. I've supported her through going NC with my abusive ex husband so I'd be very surprised if she turns against me because of some perceived slight against her step-brothers. What a ridiculous thing to say. Maybe I don't have my 'mum hat' on with my stepsons because they already have an actual mum?

Just talking from experience. My friends came from abusive backgrounds too. The unprocessing of it often occurs after having kids and even ‘minor’ things become huge. A lot of my friends have been dismissed by their dd’s, who received a lot of support from them as kids, as unmaternal or damaging because of the way they treated step and half siblings.

Can’t believe you’re even considering not giving him the office when he stays.
I work from home, long hours. Husband runs a restaurant so often sleeps in until 10. I start at 8. Still gave up my office for a bedroom and worked from our room for 5 months when husbands nephew needed a room. Wasn’t great but we coped.

OP, I'd ignore all the comments about the office.
Why on earth should OP's daughter not have a bedroom?
Why are stepchildren always the golden child?
Maybe she doesn't want him to stay. He's 21 and has a bed 5 miles away.
Keep your office OP. The outrage on mumsnet regarding step children is comical.

You won't be working for all the 6 days, will you? There are 3 working days between Christmas and New Year. So if you are working a max of 3 days in that time, surely you can work from your bedroom for some of that time?
You are saying it gives you insomnia ...how does that work? Longterm, obviously you would rather separate work and sleep spaces, but short term, is it really that much of a big deal? Could you work outside the house - in a cafe, or rented work station?
Sounds like a bit of flexibility wouldn't go amiss from you.

Two options really:

• the two boys share (I see absolutely nothing wrong with this, or the age difference given they are brothers AND it's only 6 days)

• you give up your office for the duration of his visit, and put a bed in there. It's only for 6 days and you worked from your bedroom previously; you know it won't kill you!

Buy one of those bed in a box things that looks like a nice ottoman and put it in the study. Most of the year the room is yours, and on the 6 days of whatever that he wants to stay unfold the bed in the study and work in your bedroom for the few days - surely thats the best option? Or if he prefers unfold the bed in a box in his brothers room. Or buy a rollaway bed for under his brothers and they share? An airbed for 6 days is grim

@Anoisagusaris what’s already been said. Give him your office & relocate to your bedroom for the hols. Not a huge hassle and everyone has their own space. Otherwise he’s not going to want to visit again!

I'd just move work back to the bedroom. It won't kill you.

I would be perfectly relaxed about teh air bed on the floor- you’re taking on your dhs load again just by asking here! just say to him one more time if you don’t get an air bed before Xmas daniel won’t have any where to sleep which will hardly make him feel welcome. Don’t be grumpy to me if you forget this basic step in making your child welcome here. And then I’d forget all about it.

I’d have the office too. My dc are sharing a room so I can have a study, it’s pretty necessary when you wfh all hours!!

@sunshinelover69 I remember the original thread and I was one of the posters who absolutely advocated for you taking the bedroom on as an office given (from recollection) you were told wfh was permanent for you.

That being said, I do think this situation is really sad. And there are some really simple accommodations that can be made here, giving everyone a compromise

A) the boys share and figure it out between themselves. If it was my lot, they would probably divvy up the bed/ air bed so they both got a proper bed for half the time and both got an air bed half the time.
B) Shift some stuff out your office, work from your bedroom for these few days and give the older child some privacy.

The part I think is a little sad is your comment about ‘relatives staying in others houses.’ It’s not a relative, it’s your husbands son. If I ever thought my exh felt this way about one of our children (a visiting relative who can kip with me vs him), I’d pretty much want to rip his head off.

I hope my children always feel they have a home with their dad, or me. And are not viewed as visiting relatives.

All fine @sassbott except there is no airbed as yet.

@Anoisagusaris

Give him your office, it’s just for 6 days and you can work from your bedroom for those days.

As a step parent- this

@rookiemere, personally?

I would expect the parent to ensure this stuff is taken care of. However, if I was the Op and the bed had been removed to make way for my home office? I would ensure that I did the work to ensure the child had a space.

It’s not wrong to use this as a home office, not one bit. But since the child’s room has been taken because the OP needs this space? I personally think it’s the Op’s responsibility to sort the new sleeping arrangements. Am prepared to be shot down but I’d feel responsible if this was me.

I really couldn’t get worked up about this if he arrives and your husband hasn’t sorted somewhere for him to sleep or anything for him to eat then shrug and say you don’t know either

It’s only a few nights they can share a room

I go home to stay with my parents every Christmas and other times of the year too - have done since I moved out

My mum has expected me to sort my own food if I’m staying for a long period of time - shel include me in some meals obviously but she doesn’t stress herself out making sure she has enough for me for every single meal

Surely your step son can sort out his own food sometimes

So you've taken over an entire bedroom for your 'WFH' without a thought for your stepson? hmm That's his home. You've helped yourself to his bedroom! The least you can do is share it and whilst he's visiting, WFH elsewhere in the house! You can't take over his room!!!!
He's 21 fhs!!
OP, hang on to your office, remind dad to buy an air bed for son and that he'll need to sort out younger son's room to make space for it. This is a 21 yr-old man we're talking about and sharing with his brother should be doable.

@rookiemere

All fine *@sassbott* except there is no airbed as yet.

That doesn’t seem to be anything to do with the op does it? I’ve been there- I’ve been recovering from a challenging birth, feeding my newborn and trying to look up sofa beds to host the pil when they came to stay with us and trying to comment on the different ones to dp who was ignoring me as not his problem. I nearly threw the laptop at him and said I had a lot on my plate now and if he didn’t want his parents to come the time to tell them was before they booked expensive flights so he could do it, because I won’t have them come and sleep on our air bed and comment about it every day. I wouldn’t even consider taking on the role of sourcing that now.

"So you've taken over an entire bedroom for your 'WFH' without a thought for your stepson? hmm That's his home. You've helped yourself to his bedroom! The least you can do is share it and whilst he's visiting, WFH elsewhere in the house! You can't take over his room!!!!"

Oh the outrage! Diddums now.
OP, this is not your child. He is your husband's child. Your husband - you know, the one who has claimed the big office, and made you work in the bedroom. He can bloody well move his desk into the bedroom this time and give his own dear son some space. It is, after all, his responsibility.

You know what? What's the betting that the house is actually owned by the OP, and hers is the main breadwinner job? Highly likely, given that this is Mumsnet!

@SpaceshiptoMars

"So you've taken over an entire bedroom for your 'WFH' without a thought for your stepson? hmm That's his home. You've helped yourself to his bedroom! The least you can do is share it and whilst he's visiting, WFH elsewhere in the house! You can't take over his room!!!!"

Oh the outrage! Diddums now.
OP, this is not your child. He is your husband's child. Your husband - you know, the one who has claimed the big office, and made you work in the bedroom. He can bloody well move his desk into the bedroom this time and give his own dear son some space. It is, after all, his responsibility.

You know what? What's the betting that the house is actually owned by the OP, and hers is the main breadwinner job? Highly likely, given that this is Mumsnet!

Sorry I didn’t realise there was another office. Why can’t he sleep in there on an air bed if it’s bigger? Your dh can work from the bedroom for a few hours in the morning if his son wants to sleep in.

I didn’t realise there was another and bigger office either, that just makes it ridiculous! In any case not the ops problem. Dh can put son on the floor in either of the now two options or buy a bed for his office, up to him. Op, you are neither a second class citizen in your home nor the house keeper, and must have other things to think about.

Wait, does the husband have a bigger office? With all this talk of 21yo in op’s office, I just figured husband was working at the kitchen table or something.

If he has an office, I would lock your office door and not let anyone else in. Tell him to get a sofa bed or a Murphy bed or an air bed for his son and put him in the bigger room. This is a ridiculous.

For just 6 days, you could work from your bedroom like you used to. If you won’t compromise at all, the boys can share a room. Don’t see why it’s a problem.

From the last thread I think OPs husband worked at the kitchen table.

OP I think the real issue here is that you don't like your DSS. You come across as having no time for him at all.