What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

As your DH's office is bigger, why can't an airbed be bought and put in there?

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

I would be really sad if it was my young adult ds being made so unwelcome at his df’s.. Sharing with a sibling / air bed in an office is fine, telling him not to come really isn’t. Any resentment you feel towards your dh re mental load really isn’t dss’s problem to deal with. And is a conversation for another day.

This is put much more politely than what I was going to say

I would have kept a room for all the children. The 'office' could have a bed or sofa bed in it. But see no problem with two brothers sharing for 6 nights. They are all equally entitled to space in your house as they are all your children. I think until children officially move out they should feel like they have a place with you. It sounds like you don't really want him to stay l.

Please make your DSS feel welcome. That means a nicely made up comfortable decent airbed (not some crappy thing that deflates) in either your office or his brothers room. It’s only for a few nights and he deserves to feel welcome. I’d even think about asking his brother to give up his bed for his older brother tbh.

I don't think the DBs sharing a room is an issue to anyone other than the OP. It's created as a problem - along with the huge an arduous task of pressing a button to order an airbed - so that the DSS doesn't come, or is made to feel as welcome as a turkey fart if he does.

Normally I'm very much on the side of any women not wanting to pick up someone else's mental and physical load, especially SMs, but here the issue could already be solved. Instead I sense the DF will not be reminded to buy an airbed- because he should know this himself of course - and then come Christmas this will be used as a vast and insurmountable issue as why the DSS can't stay over at his DFs house.

[quote asha456]@mummytotwoboys0600 I wouldn't consider being at uni to be 'gone' from the family home. Uni living arrangements are temporary. The contracts and the house shares dissolve when the course is over and many kids come back home for a time while they look for work. How can they establish their own home until they have a job?

If space is desperately tight then I could envisage making a room dual purpose while a child is at uni, but I wouldn't contemplate telling my child that that there was no room at the inn and they weren't able to come back home at all, even to visit!

I would consider my DC to be 'living at home' until they get a job after uni and I would welcome them back for holidays, especially if I rarely saw them and it was only for SIX days over CHRISTMAS.

OP, is this how you are planning to treat your DD when the time comes?[/quote]
But your missing the point that this wasn't the dss main home. He rarely stayed and has a full bedroom where he lives with his mum in the same town.

We are in a similar poison, but I'm not working during the time we have visitors (5 night), so we're dismantling my desk and putting a blow up bed on the floor for them. It would be different if I'd been working.

@Caggietambellblack

Please make your DSS feel welcome. That means a nicely made up comfortable decent airbed (not some crappy thing that deflates) in either your office or his brothers room. It’s only for a few nights and he deserves to feel welcome. I’d even think about asking his brother to give up his bed for his older brother tbh.

Is that just the OP’s responsibility or is her DH or them both?

Why is the automatic answer, when the father is incapable of making his own dc welcome, for the woman in the house to step up and she is the evil one of she doesn’t?

I don't think the DSS needs the red carpet put on. A standard airbed or camping mattress and he or his DF finds the sheets and makes it up when he arrives. It's the quality and warmth of the welcome that matters at that age, not the quality of the bedding.

I don't think it's an issue that you've taken over the bedroom for an office. That makes sense given how little DSS used it.

I also don't think it's an issue to ask the two DSS to share a room when they visit. My own DC will be in our room over Christmas to accommodate family visiting.

However, the fact that you think it's an issue suggests to me that you don't really want DSS there. It comes across as though you resent them being in your home at all. Is there a massive back story?

@Anoisagusaris

Give him your office, it’s just for 6 days and you can work from your bedroom for those days.

This. It's six days not six months!

Why can't you use office during time you are working in it and eldest das sleep their with air bed? Surely you won't be working overnight?

I appear to have woken to a barrage of questions! I will attempt to answer them:

1. DH works in the corner of the dining room, not an office. Am sure DSS doesn't want to sleep under the dining room table (joke)
2. Yes I'm working in the run up to Xmas and between Xmas and NY which is when he is staying. I had already said upthread that I was working
3. Yes my house. (And yes I do get that when I got married that all changed, yada yada, but the reason they all have a lovely big house is primarily because of me)
4. I won't be moving all my gear (think multiple screens, office furniture) back into my bedroom. As plenty have said, he can share with his brother who has a lovely big double room

Convert the office back into a bedroom for DSS as best you can for the six days. (Or rather, make your DH do so.) Even if it's just a case of pushing desk/ chair to one side and making up an air bed with his bedding. Give him sole use of the room for that time.

If your DH is shit at mental load and domestic planning, that's a DH problem to start addressing as a separate issue to DSS.

It's just 6 days for you to be inconvenienced and willl make a world of difference to how welcome he feels.

I've been in your DSS shoes in this type of scenario and I promise the inconvenience to you will be worth it for the young person's feelings and future feelings towards his family.

I won't be moving all my gear (think multiple screens, office furniture) back into my bedroom. As plenty have said, he can share with his brother who has a lovely big double room

I’m really not sure what the issue ever was then.

Ah I'm glad you clarified the size of the DBs bedroom. When you initially said it would be difficult with everyone squeezed in , I assumed the bedroom was small. As it's not they'll be fine as long as someone gets the DSS an airbed or camping mat.

I sense that you like things to be organised and neat and tidy and the DSSs with their fluid sleeping requirements and perhaps untidiness ( I have a teenage DS so know the pain) is difficult for you to tolerate. I think you do just have to let it go, DH should be tidying after his DSs or ideally they do it themselves, but it's hard to let that happen if it's against your nature.

Just accept that living arrangements over Christmas will be a bit fluid. Spend some time out with your DD or lock yourself in your study and make food prep someone else's responsibility. But don't make your DSS feel he can't stay over for a few nights during the festive period.

Yep you're totally right @rookiemere

The priority should be making him feel welcome.

@CampagVelocet

OP it's clear from this and your office/bedroom thread that you don't like your step son and resent him being a part of the family. At most you tolerate his existence but would rather he doesn't spend any time in your presence. You don't want to accommodate him in any way. I wish you'd just admit that and own it. Your comments about how it's YOUR house are dripping with resentment.

Somebody asked if it was my house. I answered the question. Honestly, I can't win.

I dont see resentment. I think those comments are aimed at people like you. Someone asked whose house it was, she clarified and also responded to all the shitty comments that would follow by saying she understood her position.

Of course they can share.

Fuck me. This thread. Thank god I coparent with my exh and not some of you. He may have been an arsehole of a husband but he’s a great father. At 21 I would fully expect our children to still have a space in his home. Vs some rhetoric of ‘he’s 21 and an adult with a bedroom at his mums.’

I am on threads here so unbelievably supportive of SM’s but this one really has my back up.
At least when I was a quasi SM, I knew I didn’t want to deal with these sorts of issues, so I took cohabiting off the table. So that his children and my children always had homes they were fully welcome in. The minute any partner of mine referred to my child as a ‘visiting relative’, I’d quite happily pack my bags and leave.

@sassbott I 100% agree with you. My older children have a bedroom here and at their dads. My step daughter has a bedroom here and at her mums and she only stays at her mums very occasionally. They're made to feel welcome in all their homes.
I find it very sad. There's also no effort whatsoever in moving a computer for a few days. I'm sure many of us did it on lockdown

Has either of the ds or dh actually said they have an issue with the boys sharing? All I've seen is that the dh has said they'll be fine?