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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I don't know if I can do this

110 replies

Sungoesdown · 05/12/2021 17:45

I'm really not sure if I can do this any more but I'm hoping I can get past this feeling and make it work.

I've been with my partner for a couple of years now (both mid 30s) and we recently bought a house together. He has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

The things I'm struggling with are:

Her behaviour is incredibly poor. She has been on report in primary school, doesn't follow instructions, and can be incredibly belligerent.
We have her 50/50 with us getting her on a Saturday or Sunday which means we never get a complete weekend together
My partner has a mild case of Disney Dad syndrome and can be very soft towards her, not disciplining her, and always treating her and letting her do what she wants (unlimited screen time and the like).
I feel very much like a second class citizen in my own home, she's pushed me a number of times, ignored me, and generally been rude despite my best efforts

It's just so hard. I feel uncomfortable in my own home and I'm not sure I can do this.

I love my partner so much but I'm not sure how I can get past this feeling. The thought of starting all over again at 35 is terrifying, I don't want to lose my partner, but I don't think I can continue with this 50/50 arrangement.

Has anyone else gone through a period of struggle and managed to make it out the other side?

OP posts:

dreamsarefree · 05/12/2021 17:51

I don't think you have a choice with whether he continues with the 50:50 arrangement.

I would sell up and separate. If it's bad now, it is only going to get worse when she hits teenage years. I say that as both a stepmother of a teenager and having a child who has a stepmother. I'd be appalled if my DC pushed her. If you're not on the same page with discipline and boundaries with your DP it will not end well.

NOTANUM · 05/12/2021 17:52

You have two options

accept it as part of the deal and put your whole effort into enjoying having his daughter with you
accept this is not for you and move out.

There is no option where 50/50 sharing can be changed or the child doesn’t exist so it’s one of the two above real. The worst thing to do is stay and expect the arrangement to change, especially if you have your own child.

Regarding the child’s behaviour, kids don’t behave a lot of the time and parents do sometimes compromise too much for an easy life but she is probably picking up that you don’t want her around.

excelledyourself · 05/12/2021 17:59

The 50/50 arrangement should remain. Of course you don't need to be part of it.

The options are:

Have a frank discussion with DP about how his parenting is affecting you and your feelings about the relationship, and give him the opportunity to address that

Live apart

Split up

But the 50/50 aspect shouldn't be a factor in any of the decision making

SpideySenseTingles · 05/12/2021 18:01

*You have two options

accept it as part of the deal and put your whole effort into enjoying having his daughter with you
accept this is not for you and move out.*

I agree with the above. I think you will be hoping for a third option where you can get your partner to change his parenting or reduce his contact time with daughter. But honestly, a quick sample of mumsnet threads will tell you that trying to change men is a frustrating and thankless task.

Honestly, better single and at peace in your own home, then in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

excelledyourself · 05/12/2021 18:01

But the 50/50 aspect shouldn't be a factor in any of the decision making

For DP, I mean

lunar1 · 05/12/2021 18:07

Has her behaviour changed significantly since you moved in together? Has his parenting changed?

Do you think of her dad steps up the parenting that her behaviour would go back to how she was before or has it always been like this?

RandomMess · 05/12/2021 18:08

You could ask if moving handover day to a Friday after school or mid week is an option.

You do need a very honest discussion with your DP as to what he is prepared to do to improve things.

Ultimately be prepared to walk away though.

RandomMess · 05/12/2021 18:10

Her behaviour could be because she is very unhappy and/or there is undiagnosed SEN.

What is DP doing to address those factors or is he too busy being a Disney Dad?

Haggisfish3 · 05/12/2021 18:11

Are you hoping to have dc yourself? If not, I think possibly moving out so you don’t have to endure it would be the best option or seeing if access can be changed to allow you one weekend without access. Otherwise I would leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2021 18:12

I would run for the hills if I were you. This is no way to live and your partner is never going to properly parent this child. The resentment is going to eat you alive.

Tattler2 · 05/12/2021 18:13

OP , your husband is not an occasional parent. He represents 50% of the time and influence exerted on this child and for the approximately past 2_years your influence to a limited extent.

If what you see is not that with you can comfortably live, you should consider moving. The house can be placed on the market. Your partner can buy you out. If the home has only been purchased in the past 2" years ,there is likely no equity accured in the home. Unless the down payment was quite substantial, it does not represent an equity position. You are fortunate in that in many places it is still a sellers market, and with luck you and your partner can sell the property without too much difficulty.

How much time are you willing to invest in this situation hoping that it will become what you want it to become? It is what it is,and the question is how long are you willing to tolerate that reality?

The relationship need not end simply because you cannot live together in a mutually satisfying arrangement. You can love each other and have a satisfying romantic relationship while living apart.

If you need to live together in order to stay together, then this may not be the relationship for either of you.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 05/12/2021 18:14

Bit late to complain post house purchase imo.

DowntonCrabby · 05/12/2021 18:15

It doesn’t sound like you’re cut out to step parent OP and that’s completely OK. DD obviously comes with her Dad though so I’d be ending the relationship.

SnowWhitesSM · 05/12/2021 18:17

Mate get the fuck out of there.

Im two ish weeks free from stb ex and his son. I have never felt happier. I always belong in my own home, there will never be arguments out of nowhere because of his dad guilt, 50% of my life isn't filled with dread and anxiety anymore, there's no ex drama, there's no manipulation or lies from his son anymore - about me or my dc.

I did think about trying again with us living separately but I've got waaay to much resentment to be able to do that. I hated my life for the years we were living together. I now feel back to me and I love it!

RedWingBoots · 05/12/2021 18:20

she's pushed me a number of times,

This is a big red flag for you to do something and not leave the situation as is.

Domestic abuse can involve teen and adult children hurting adults in their household. While it is typically abuse towards grandparents, elderly parents and siblings it isn't always.

If she is pushing you now when she is a teen so much bigger and stronger she will really hurt you.

You need to talk to your DP about his parenting style and if he refuses to address her behaviour, you need to leave before she gets bigger and becomes more violent towards you.

HollowTalk · 05/12/2021 18:23

I would separate as quickly as I could.

Can you imagine what she's going to be like as a teenager? And he's a Disney dad…

MeridianB · 05/12/2021 18:24

@excelledyourself

The 50/50 arrangement should remain. Of course you don't need to be part of it.

The options are:

Have a frank discussion with DP about how his parenting is affecting you and your feelings about the relationship, and give him the opportunity to address that

Live apart

Split up

But the 50/50 aspect shouldn't be a factor in any of the decision making

I agree with these options because talking to your DP and giving him a chance to fix things is important.

Be really honest about what you’re seeing and how it makes you feel.

I think 9 is a tricky age, but that’s no comfort if things could get even worse during teen years.

LonginesPrime · 05/12/2021 18:29

we recently bought a house together

Why would you commit to this given the circumstances?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 05/12/2021 18:43

Did you mistakenly expect to be his priority because you share a home now?
Never gonna happen op.
His priorities..
Him.
His dd.
His mates.
You.

CloudyStorms · 05/12/2021 19:26

Sell the house. You need to feel safe in your own home and violence from a 9 year old is not ok.

Obsidiansphere · 05/12/2021 19:52

She’ll be an absolute nightmare as a hormonal teen…run for the hills!

Elface · 05/12/2021 20:01

Seriously, have a listen to this

open.spotify.com/episode/2ImlTIASCizxrfDHQpUpP7?si=PKHBVmVkSjiXDBKW-prZVA

I feel like I’ve struggled so much with these feelings and this made me feel so relieved to have people speak the truth & have people to relate to.

christmascheersandfunideas · 05/12/2021 20:40

my 9 yr old SD was like this. and I felt like you.

VERY frank discussions had with DP about what was and wasn't acceptable.

BIG changes.

You deserve to feel safe and relaxed in your own home.

I think you and him need some big honest chats.

I also think swapping mid wkend doesn't help. And reasonable to ask to swap either side of a wkend I think....

Sending hugs, its not easy.

sassbott · 05/12/2021 22:11

@Sungoesdown what a tough situation. Some questions.

Is this behaviour recent? New? How was this child with you before you and her dad bought a house together?
Have you specifically raised the pushing with your partner and if so what has been said?
what are you looking for from life? Longer term? In terms of marriage / kids etc? How does this fit in with what you’re looking for from life?

Personally (I say this as a parent to teens and I was in an on/ off relationship for a number of years with a man who had children from a previous relationship), this won’t get easier IME.
If this is what this child is like at 9 (I don’t know any child who thinks they can physically engage with an adult), then I personally would have huge concerns about what the pre teen/ teen years will bring in terms of behaviour.

I also think 50%/ 50% is a significant period of time to have to spend with someone where this tension exists. Who wants to not feel comfortable in their own home?

You say you don’t want to start again at 35? You’re so young and these should be the years where you’re living life tbh. I’m much older than you and I’ve started again. Couldn’t be happier. I don’t have to tolerate anyone else’s BS / Disney dadding/ behavioural issues with someone else’s children. (I didn’t even live with him and it still seeped into every portion of our relationship).

Life is too short to feel this way and I don’t think there is any fast fix. I mean unless the 50% you get 121 is so great that it makes it work? I think this just sounds stressful.

Is it an option for you to move out for a period of time and see if a different living situation would work for you?

uneffingbelievable · 05/12/2021 23:08

OP - he is not a 50% parent - he is a parent 100% of the time but 50% of that he is the sole parent in charge.

Issues will arise in mums time that he will be party to and vice versa.

Either explain your issues to him or leave - I am a parent when my DCS are with their Dad, still responsible and still part of their lives.

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