I don't know if I can do this

[Sungoesdown]

I'm really not sure if I can do this any more but I'm hoping I can get past this feeling and make it work.

I've been with my partner for a couple of years now (both mid 30s) and we recently bought a house together. He has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

The things I'm struggling with are:

• Her behaviour is incredibly poor. She has been on report in primary school, doesn't follow instructions, and can be incredibly belligerent.
• We have her 50/50 with us getting her on a Saturday or Sunday which means we never get a complete weekend together
• My partner has a mild case of Disney Dad syndrome and can be very soft towards her, not disciplining her, and always treating her and letting her do what she wants (unlimited screen time and the like).
• I feel very much like a second class citizen in my own home, she's pushed me a number of times, ignored me, and generally been rude despite my best efforts

It's just so hard. I feel uncomfortable in my own home and I'm not sure I can do this.

I love my partner so much but I'm not sure how I can get past this feeling. The thought of starting all over again at 35 is terrifying, I don't want to lose my partner, but I don't think I can continue with this 50/50 arrangement.

Has anyone else gone through a period of struggle and managed to make it out the other side?

She’s pushed you and he’s okay with that?

Sell up, split up.

Has his parenting changed? If not did you move in together hoping it would?

I’m a step mum. No fucking way would I be putting up with this sort of thing. No. Way.

You love him but he’s treating you with contempt by expecting you to tolerate his daughter behaving like this. I’m staggered.

I don't think this is going to work out OP. Well behaved or the complete opposite she will always come first. If he doesn't see anything wrong in her behaviour you need to leave.

@MummyJasmin

I don't think this is going to work out OP. Well behaved or the complete opposite she will always come first. If he doesn't see anything wrong in her behaviour you need to leave.

I hope you're not implying that his daughter shouldn't come first? Rather meant that the OP should surely have realised that prior to buying a house with a man with a child. It's not clear which you mean, from your post.

OP, you seem to embody most of the attitudes towards your step daughter that make it hell for a child having a step parent. The best thing to do for all of you is to leave IMO.

She should come first, always! And should.
OP should have taken this into consideration and his daughter when buying house together.

@MummyJasmin

She should come first, always! And should. OP should have taken this into consideration and his daughter when buying house together.

I agree completely. Thanks for clarifying.

A house purchase can be reversed. Being a parent cannot. It is astonishing how many people shack up with someone they've only known a few years and then moan about their children being in their lives, when the children were there long before they decided to start a relationship with the child's parent. And then move in with them and complain the child spends time there, you could not make it up!

Becoming a step parent is a serious commitment. If you're not up for it then either don't date people with children or have relationship boundaries where you keep your relationship separate from the children, i.e. don't move in together and don't impinge on the time that the child and parent spend together: see each other when the child is not with the parent.

Children who have been through the trauma of family breakup are obviously likely to have additional emotional issues and more volatile behaviour which will obviously be exacerbated by a parent imposing a new partner on them, so any potential step-parent should consider in advance if they are able to cope with that, and not blame the child for it. To be kind and respectful to them. If that seems too much then please confine your dating pool to childless people.

Op sounds pretty miserable for you.
Mid weekend changeovers can perhaps be changed. We do Friday after school pickup and that works very well. We can make decent weekend plans - either with or without DSD.
But the bigger picture is that his child’s behaviour is not being addressed in a way you agree with. If he is not prepared to step up here then he’s not all that great a dad is he? Why would you bother?
My partner is not a perfect dad (who is?! I’m certainly not the perfect stepmum) and his way is a little different to how mine might be but he parents - otherwise I couldn’t stick around.

@ThousandsOfTulips
Step Mum bashing in the step Mum forum is poor form. The OP came in for support not to be preached at.

Regarding the child’s behaviour, kids don’t behave a lot of the time and parents do sometimes compromise too much for an easy life but she is probably picking up that you don’t want her around.
Right & this explains & excuses piss poor behaviour & bullying (pushing).
The worst thing about this whole forum is the amount of women on here excusing appalling behaviour by children/teens & explaining it away like being a stepchild is somehow a licence to behave like a little sh*t with no consequences.
@Sungoesdown your dp & his ex are directly responsible for rearing a child with no manners or empathy & if THEY cannot see that her behaviour is bang out of order & needs addressing then you are on a hiding to nothing & for your own sake you should leave. The teenage years will get worse rather than better & I'm speaking as a dm who's own lovely 15 yr old dd turns feral at times & needs firm handling!

@ThousandsofTulips People do not move in with their partners and struggle with the fact that their child spends time there, they struggle with the fact that the time the child spends there is much worse than they expected, usually because of the child's behaviour (something posters like you like to ignore as much as possible.)

Making comments laughing about how you "could not make up" posters moving in with their partners and then being surprised when their kids are there is incredibly disingenuous and people here can see right through it. You literally did just make it up.

@ThousandsOfTulips If that seems too much then please confine your dating pool to childless people.

If piss poor parents are unable to adequately parent a 9 year old child, such that said child is pushing adults / engaging in unacceptable behaviours, then I’d ask those parents to please remain single and not inflict their children on others.

Like Magda I have teens/ pre teens. They absolutely engage with one another physically (rugby tackles and all sorts), but not once, ever, has any child engaged with me (or any other adult) physically. Nor would they even think it something that is acceptable. That’s down to decent parenting and both my ExH and I would have very strong words if any child thought it acceptable.

Time and again poor behaviour is dismissed and adults told to someone ignore it. No. In which planet is it ok for someone to push you in your own home?

I don't want to lose my partner, but I don't think I can continue with this 50/50 arrangement.

I'm quite shocked that this is what your mind jumps to. So you're essentially saying you'd be fine to continue as you are, if (for example) your partner decided only to see his child EOW?

@GiltEdges

I don't want to lose my partner, but I don't think I can continue with this 50/50 arrangement.

I'm quite shocked that this is what your mind jumps to. So you're essentially saying you'd be fine to continue as you are, if (for example) your partner decided only to see his child EOW?

There's another option here which is for OP and DP to live apart but maintain the relationship.

So on his contact days he's with his DC and she's with hers. People have done it successfully on here and I'm sure will be along to talk about how it works.

@Aquamarine1029

I would run for the hills if I were you. This is no way to live and your partner is never going to properly parent this child. The resentment is going to eat you alive.

I agree with this post. Things will get worse when teenage years arrive. Your partner is neglecting his responsibility to parent effectively. His priority in this situation is his DD, and her needs. As a stepmom that's tough sometimes.

I'd cut your losses now. You can't live like this. I admire your honesty. It's not working for you, so walk away. All the best.

@Magda72

Regarding the child’s behaviour, kids don’t behave a lot of the time and parents do sometimes compromise too much for an easy life but she is probably picking up that you don’t want her around. Right & this explains & excuses piss poor behaviour & bullying (pushing). The worst thing about this whole forum is the amount of women on here excusing appalling behaviour by children/teens & explaining it away like being a stepchild is somehow a licence to behave like a little sh*t with no consequences. *@Sungoesdown* your dp & his ex are directly responsible for rearing a child with no manners or empathy & if THEY cannot see that her behaviour is bang out of order & needs addressing then you are on a hiding to nothing & for your own sake you should leave. The teenage years will get worse rather than better & I'm speaking as a dm who's own lovely 15 yr old dd turns feral at times & needs firm handling!

This all of this.

@GiltEdges

I don't want to lose my partner, but I don't think I can continue with this 50/50 arrangement.

I'm quite shocked that this is what your mind jumps to. So you're essentially saying you'd be fine to continue as you are, if (for example) your partner decided only to see his child EOW?

She said "I" don't think I can continue with 50 50. I read it as she is weighing up whether she can accept the 50 50 or leaving the relationship. She's acknowledging she doesn't want to leave but OP did not say she wants DH to stop the 50 50

Some people just quick to jump on the bandwagon!

Not having a full weekend together is generally part of being with a (good) dad. I’d think about whether you can live with this and leave if not.

Behaviour can be improved upon, but only if your partner is willing to put in the work. It’s not ok for him to allow his daughter to push you and you shouldn’t put up with this. What does he say about it when it happens?

I think whether you should stay together depends on your partner’s attitude and how much you’re willing to put up with. Even if your partner does work with her to improve her behaviour now, teenage years can be rough. He has a responsibility to parent her and she should always be his priority (along with any other children he has). This stands no matter how bad her behaviour becomes.

Can you/do you want to deal with this?

It's a pity you have bought a house with him. Hopefully you can sell it quickly and find somewhere else for yourself. Also it's lucky that you are not pregnant or have a baby with him.
From what you have posted, the writing is on the wall for your relationship really.

@NOTANUM

You have two options

• accept it as part of the deal and put your whole effort into enjoying having his daughter with you
• accept this is not for you and move out.

There is no option where 50/50 sharing can be changed or the child doesn’t exist so it’s one of the two above real. The worst thing to do is stay and expect the arrangement to change, especially if you have your own child.

Regarding the child’s behaviour, kids don’t behave a lot of the time and parents do sometimes compromise too much for an easy life but she is probably picking up that you don’t want her around.

Ok, so the two options you have given the OP mainly boil down to a) put up with it and shut up (in the meantime be an doormat to someone who is rude and belligerent to her,in her own home. b) Leave.

The OP does actually have a third choice which is to sit the Dad down and discuss with him how is weak parenting is affecting her. That the child should be pulled up on rudeness as she doesn't have to like the OP but common decency demands that she does have to be polite.

Why oh why is it always the SM who is at fault when a child treating them badly. If anyone is rude to me then no I don't want to be around them either. It has been said before, these are children, not mini deities.

Not having a full weekend together is generally part of being with a (good) dad. I’d think about whether you can live with this and leave if not.
@Just10moreminutesplease I would very much argue that divorced parents agreeing to full weekends with dc to allow both parents to enjoy a decent length of downtime with their children is good parenting.
Implying that a dad who does a full every other weekend is a worse parent than a dad who does a bit of every weekend is BS - all sets ups are different & 50/50 does not work well in all cases.

@Magda72

Not having a full weekend together is generally part of being with a (good) dad. I’d think about whether you can live with this and leave if not. *@Just10moreminutesplease* I would very much argue that divorced parents agreeing to full weekends with dc to allow both parents to enjoy a decent length of downtime with their children is good parenting. Implying that a dad who does a full every other weekend is a worse parent than a dad who does a bit of every weekend is BS - all sets ups are different & 50/50 does not work well in all cases.

I said generally as, of course, there are some exceptions. But without a hefty number of midweek nights, I disagree that every other weekend is even close to enough…

If you have a child you are responsible for parenting them. Not having a fun weekend every other week while their other parent does the grunt work.

*I said generally as, of course, there are some exceptions. But without a hefty number of midweek nights, I disagree that every other weekend is even close to enough…

If you have a child you are responsible for parenting them. Not having a fun weekend every other week while their other parent does the grunt work.*

They do have her a hefty amount of time, they have her 50/50. What you're basically arguing there is that the dad should have them all weekends, and the mum none, just for the sake of being able to say he is willing to have them as much as possible and therefore a "good dad". It doesn't actually add up. They each have her 50/50, it makes sense to organise it in a way that allows them to make use of weekends.

My son has a step mum and she pulls my ex up on his lack of boundaries and I agree with her.
So might be worth talking to the mum? See if you can agree on strategies to help her.
Same boundaries at home and at dads?

He'll have to step up or I'd leave if I were you because teenagers are even worse!!

Thanks for all the comments and input so far, particularly to those who were understanding and didn't immediately think of me as being a monster!

When I said I'm not sure I can do it anymore, I'm acknowledging the situation for what it is, the impact it's having and whether I can stay or should leave.

I have spoken to my partner and he switches between 'she's just a child, she doesn't know what she's doing' to 'I know I need to work on improving her behaviour' so I'm not sure what's really going to happen.

It's hard. Things between us are great but I'm scared of waiting to see if things improve in other areas, them not doing so, and wasting my fertile years. Equally I'm scared of ending something that could be so good.

Im also scared that I won't meet anyone else and I'll end up a crazy cat lady at 35

Does he want more DC? Is this something you’ve broken about?

@Sungoesdown

Thanks for all the comments and input so far, particularly to those who were understanding and didn't immediately think of me as being a monster!

When I said I'm not sure I can do it anymore, I'm acknowledging the situation for what it is, the impact it's having and whether I can stay or should leave.

I have spoken to my partner and he switches between 'she's just a child, she doesn't know what she's doing' to 'I know I need to work on improving her behaviour' so I'm not sure what's really going to happen.

It's hard. Things between us are great but I'm scared of waiting to see if things improve in other areas, them not doing so, and wasting my fertile years. Equally I'm scared of ending something that could be so good.

Im also scared that I won't meet anyone else and I'll end up a crazy cat lady at 35

"I have spoken to my partner and he switches between 'she's just a child, she doesn't know what she's doing' to"

The simple answer to the above (and trust me I have heard this one many times) is 'Precisely, that's why you need to parent her.'

You are no where near being a monster. You deserve basic common decency and you deserve to be treated with respect.

It does look like you are able to talk to him so maybe you can list the top 2 or 3 things that bother you the most and get those dealt with then all the other things may not seem as bad. Also, if she is directly rude to you, you are well within your rights to deal with that in the right way yourself, especially if she continues to shove you (Christ on a bike!). And yes, yes, yes, like millions of parents all over the world you are entitled to a weekend to yourselves now and again. No one person in a household is more important than another. Everyone (including the children), should be treated equally. Their needs come first, their wants, not so much.