I don't know if I can do this

[Sungoesdown]

I'm really not sure if I can do this any more but I'm hoping I can get past this feeling and make it work.

I've been with my partner for a couple of years now (both mid 30s) and we recently bought a house together. He has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

The things I'm struggling with are:

• Her behaviour is incredibly poor. She has been on report in primary school, doesn't follow instructions, and can be incredibly belligerent.
• We have her 50/50 with us getting her on a Saturday or Sunday which means we never get a complete weekend together
• My partner has a mild case of Disney Dad syndrome and can be very soft towards her, not disciplining her, and always treating her and letting her do what she wants (unlimited screen time and the like).
• I feel very much like a second class citizen in my own home, she's pushed me a number of times, ignored me, and generally been rude despite my best efforts

It's just so hard. I feel uncomfortable in my own home and I'm not sure I can do this.

I love my partner so much but I'm not sure how I can get past this feeling. The thought of starting all over again at 35 is terrifying, I don't want to lose my partner, but I don't think I can continue with this 50/50 arrangement.

Has anyone else gone through a period of struggle and managed to make it out the other side?

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@ThousandsOfTulips I'm gonna correct you on one point.

Only the DP needs to answer this question to OP. This is not something OP needs to fix. To be mindful, sure. She's asking to advice so I assume she isn't falling into the category of not giving a toss about SC mental well-being. If someone's asking for help it's usually not because they are totally unconscious or unconcerned about a situation.

But let's place the responsibility where it belongs.

What are the parents doing to fix a trauma (which if caused by the break up of the first family) to help support their child, they created. He is the father, she has no legal or otherwise right to frog March this child down to a shrink. She's parenting in a vacuum in which she has 0 control and only influence. Can you imagine if I started a post saying I was taking it upon myself to take my SDC to a shrink. My god I got actually hate for asking if it was unreasonable to take my DSD to a circus as that's not my place to decide 😳

I say if because we don't know what's causing the SC to act this way. Making assumptions takes away the voice of the child. The child needs to be spoken to by a outside professional in which they have no loyalty ties so can be honest.

If OP wants to know what other SM would do, many would walk if a parent refuses to parent, because the parents actions are damaging to the child. That's hard v hard to watch and be ok with. In my perspective.

But Her existence doesn't justify violence. No one has any right to put their hands on another, and legally speaking it's something you want children to learn before they get to adulthood and can be legally held accountable. [/quote]
I don't think I said the OP should take her to therapy? I asked what support she's had. I can't ask the father as it's the OP who is posting.

I agree step mothers often get a hard time. I have a step mother who is wonderful. But this relationship doesn't sound wonderful so something needs to change, and that something isn't having a newborn thrown into the mix.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@ThousandsofTulips your language throughout your comments is just really excessive and extreme. How my DSS might feel about it was pretty low on my list of priorities when deciding to have DD, if DP didn't think that would be good for him that was for him to say and to follow through on. It isn't outrageously selfish of someone in OPs position to not base her decision around her SDs opinion on it, that's for her parent to consider and prioritise.

An in any case, all she said was she's worried about wasting her fertile years, it's really extreme to jump on that statement as though she's trying for a baby right now.[/quote]
Wow. It was low on your list of priorities? Yet your main concern is about some unspecified issue with my "language"?!

Step parents with such dismissive attitudes towards their step children's wellbeing are exactly the problem.

We don't know the history of the break-up etc or what SD may or may not be feeling about her parent's split, or even how long ago it happened. My SD, for instance, was only 1 when her parents split, so she has never been through a traumatic family break up, her life with me in it is all she knows.

However, even if SD is traumatised or upset or struggling, it's still possible to acknowledge that poor behaviour is an issue. Her dad needs to support both his daughter and his partner, and sort it out. Even he acknowledges that he needs to pull her up on it. She should absolutely not be pushing OP (or anyone!) and being rude.

The answers aren't just OP needs to leave (either the relationship or her home) or just put up with it. There is an actual problem with the child's behaviour - whether caused by genuine upset or just a child being a child and not being guided properly - here which should be worked on by her dad.

*Wow. It was low on your list of priorities? Yet your main concern is about some unspecified issue with my "language"?! 

Step parents with such dismissive attitudes towards their step children's wellbeing are exactly the problem.*

Your endless "wow"'s and shock at the most normal things is the problem. I'm saying the same thing others are saying to you, here. It isn't OPs job to fix this or to put DSDs wants and needs at the top of her priorities. No, my DSS was not central to MY decision on when and if I wanted to have a child. I might not have been attracted to my DP if there were major issues with how he would feel about it and HE dismissed them, but it wasn't my job to personally prioritise him, it was his. That is not shocking selfishness from SP, it is normal. The relentless shock and outrage is tiresome and gets nowhere.

@ThousandsOfTulips think we got wires crossed here - I think we are agreeing I was the one suggested therapy.

My rambling point was it seems to me like DH isn't doing anything to support his daughter and it's being left as OPs door. Maybe DSC does need more time one on one time with Dh (but we don't know that's casing the behaviour). I don't think personally more one on one time with Disney dad is going to stop a child be violent as he hasn't acted before but I suppose it could if there are other facts at play

It's the fact DSC hasn't been spoken to by a independent person and DSC is there 50% of the time so definitely should be dad stepping up and taking her.

I suppose from my view the original post was saying look would you walk ?

She's got a few options

1. Stay and accept the situation (this would damage anyone's MH)
2. Speak to DH and say look you step up and get your daughter help because otherwise I'm off.
3. Leave.

Of course it's a problem! That is why the questions around when the family breakup took place, how it affected her and what support she has had are relevant. You're right, the OP hasn't provided this information so responses can only be conjecture until she does.

To eliminate that negative behaviour, which is a communication that the DD is struggling, she will need to be supported, likely need therapy, and need the adults in her life to identify and understand what she is going through and why. My questions were about whether this process has begun and what information they have from it if so, what the next steps agreed between the parents are, whether the OP sees a gradual improvement as a result, what has come out of therapy that needs to change in one or both of the child's homes to help her to feel secure, etc.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@ThousandsOfTulips think we got wires crossed here - I think we are agreeing I was the one suggested therapy.

My rambling point was it seems to me like DH isn't doing anything to support his daughter and it's being left as OPs door. Maybe DSC does need more time one on one time with Dh (but we don't know that's casing the behaviour). I don't think personally more one on one time with Disney dad is going to stop a child be violent as he hasn't acted before but I suppose it could if there are other facts at play

It's the fact DSC hasn't been spoken to by a independent person and DSC is there 50% of the time so definitely should be dad stepping up and taking her.

I suppose from my view the original post was saying look would you walk ?

She's got a few options

1. Stay and accept the situation (this would damage anyone's MH)
2. Speak to DH and say look you step up and get your daughter help because otherwise I'm off.
3. Leave.

[/quote]
I totally agree with all of this. And the only way option 2 will work is if the cause of the awful behaviour is identified and addressed properly with therapy as clearly there is something very wrong. Children don't generally become violent for no reason. Has the OP suggested to the parents that therapy may help her DSC or have they brought it up, is it happening already? Do the parents and the OP have any idea why she is behaving like this, have they thought about what her behaviour is communicating? It seems obvious she must be quite unhappy to be behaving like that.

@aSofaNearYou

*Wow. It was low on your list of priorities? Yet your main concern is about some unspecified issue with my "language"?! 

Step parents with such dismissive attitudes towards their step children's wellbeing are exactly the problem.*

Your endless "wow"'s and shock at the most normal things is the problem. I'm saying the same thing others are saying to you, here. It isn't OPs job to fix this or to put DSDs wants and needs at the top of her priorities. No, my DSS was not central to MY decision on when and if I wanted to have a child. I might not have been attracted to my DP if there were major issues with how he would feel about it and HE dismissed them, but it wasn't my job to personally prioritise him, it was his. That is not shocking selfishness from SP, it is normal. The relentless shock and outrage is tiresome and gets nowhere.

If that is considered "normal" then no wonder so many children suffer.

If you decide to have a relationship with and live with a parent of a child then even if you remain in a hands-off role, you are still massively impacting their life. You are moving yourself into their family, of which they are the most vulnerable members who get no choice in what happens. To then say that their wellbeing is not a priority for you is shocking.

If you want to make decisions purely based on your own desires with no consideration of how they impact a child then why on Earth would you move in with someone who has a child? What you do will then obviously impact them immensely but you simultaneously absolve yourself of any responsibility for making their wellbeing a priority or even a significant factor in your decision making? I think this kind of attitude is selfish and appalling.

Give me chance @ThousandsOfTulips

To answer the questions:
She was the result of an accident 2 months into the relationship (the parents words not mine). They stayed together but led quite separate lives so the actual separation wasn't too much of a shock and she's never asked for them to be back together. They parallel parent quite amicably.

I encourage them to have lots of time alone and often go out of the house so they can spend time together. My partner would like me to be there all of the time and involved in everything (I suspect partly because of how challenging she is) but I will do some things together, a day out, watch a movie etc, whilst wholeheartedly encouraging their relationship and that she doesn't feel pushed out by me. I have led activities such as baking (asked her if she wants to first) or taken them both for a surprise day out so I'm still involved but day to day it's the two of them together and I'm not involved. As I said, my partner would prefer it to be the 3 of us all the time.

@ThousandsofTulips Oh knock yourself out, there's very little hope of showing you how dramatic your whole attitude is.

My DSS is fine btw, because I'm not stupid enough to be with someone that isn't capable of making sure his own child's needs are met.

@Sungoesdown

Give me chance *@ThousandsOfTulips*

To answer the questions:
She was the result of an accident 2 months into the relationship (the parents words not mine). They stayed together but led quite separate lives so the actual separation wasn't too much of a shock and she's never asked for them to be back together. They parallel parent quite amicably.

I encourage them to have lots of time alone and often go out of the house so they can spend time together. My partner would like me to be there all of the time and involved in everything (I suspect partly because of how challenging she is) but I will do some things together, a day out, watch a movie etc, whilst wholeheartedly encouraging their relationship and that she doesn't feel pushed out by me. I have led activities such as baking (asked her if she wants to first) or taken them both for a surprise day out so I'm still involved but day to day it's the two of them together and I'm not involved. As I said, my partner would prefer it to be the 3 of us all the time.

Thank you for responding. In that case it sounds to me like you are doing whatever you can, and your partner does need to get to the bottom of the behaviour. It's great that you are ensuring they have time alone together and also offering to do nice things with her, that sounds very balanced.

How old was she when they separated? That does make a big difference to the impact. As a small child she wouldn't have been massively aware of the separate lives stuff etc, it's more about when the living arrangements changed and they physically separated, what age she was then. That really does make a big difference to the emotional fallout.

When she's been violent, what does he do? What have they discussed about it afterwards? Has he suggested therapy to her, if she won't talk to him about what is driving the behaviour?

It sounds to me like you have got into this too fast which may have exacerbated existing issues for your DSD, but that you are doing your very best now to try to make it work. Does your partner know how much this is affecting you, how it is making your feel? IMO you need to be very frank with him - in a calm manner and not implying DSD is the problem, rather what is he going to do about the situation to help his child who is clearly struggling.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@ThousandsofTulips Oh knock yourself out, there's very little hope of showing you how dramatic your whole attitude is.

My DSS is fine btw, because I'm not stupid enough to be with someone that isn't capable of making sure his own child's needs are met. [/quote]
Right, ok. So women who end up with abusive/ neglectful men are "stupid"?

@ThousandsOfTulips

So you're hoping to bring a baby into this mix as well?

Children behave "badly" when they are struggling with something. It's natural for her to be distressed by the family breakup. What support has she had to process this and come to terms with it? It can be quite traumatising for a child. To then have her father living with another woman he has only known for two years, in a place which is meant to be her home as well, adds to that distress so it's hardly surprising she is not behaving as you would ideally like.

The idea of adding a baby into this situation any time in the next few years is bonkers and, frankly, utterly selfish. If you decide to stay then you need to accept that your step daughter is a child and you also need to prioritise her needs. You chose this situation, she did not. She clearly already feels displaced and insecure. She's had to deal with so much change and needs a period of stability. A half-sibling who (as babies do!) demands a lot of attention and also gets to see her Dad every day and isn't shunted between homes is hardly going to help, is it? And given how you speak about her, it's pretty obvious that even if you tried not to, you would treat a baby of your own very differently. What you are apparently planning will be so, so damaging to this little girl. Do not do it, please.

Does she get regular quality time with her father without you there?

"Children behave "badly" when they are struggling with something. It's natural for her to be distressed by the family breakup".

Ok. Firstly I have two sons and I am a widow. THAT is traumatic for a child, never seeing their Father again, but do you know what, my two sons are not and never want to be labeled as victims. It is not traumatising to have 50/50 custody and still have the privilege of both parents love and support. The 9 year old would have quite quickly worked out that Daddy 'feels' guilty and she is more than likely taking advantage of that other than 'feeling traumatised'.

"What you are apparently planning will be so, so damaging to this little girl. Do not do it, please."

The audacity of this sentence is quite astounding to be honest. The OP has every single God damn right to have a child whenever she wants. Her decision should she choose to have a baby has absolutely nothing to do with the SC. She is nine.

"A half-sibling who (as babies do!) demands a lot of attention..."

So following your logic, perhaps all parents should only ever have one child so that the eldest never has to share attention with any siblings (half or otherwise).

And lastly who on earth are you to tell the OP that she is selfish. The child is acting out because she is allowed to do so. Children will only do what they think they can get away with, until someone steps up and becomes her parent. The OP can't, her hands are utterly tied. She cannot care more than the parents do and she is certainly not there to pick up the slack.

"And given how you speak about her, it's pretty obvious that even if you tried not to, you would treat a baby of your own very differently".

Two things here, firstly she is asking for advice on how to deal with a child who finds it acceptable to shove her around and be rude. How about helping instead of knocking her down and telling her how unreasonable she is for wanting a child of her own. It's something that you have so why is she afforded the same courtesy?

Secondly, yes she will treat her own child very differently because it will be her child. She will have more rights and more of a say into how her baby is brought up.

The ONLY thing that I agree with you here is that the daughter does need some time with her Father alone. Not all of it as the daughter does have to understand that her Dad is in a relationship with another woman and if Dad took the time to talk to his daughter, to make her feel secure than half of these problems would probably disappear quite quickly.

Can we please stop labeling these children as victims. Who on earth wants to go through life being one of those? Can we not ask these parents to just start talking to their children and can we please please please stop blaming stepmothers for every single little thing. I am so tired of seeing the same old "the children must come first" sentence. It is nothing more than virtue signaling.

Right, ok. So women who end up with abusive/ neglectful men are "stupid"?

What a random deflection. It's like you are trying to prove you can be outraged by any and all statements.

@ThousandsOfTulips

Right, ok. So women who end up with abusive/ neglectful men are "stupid"?

Sofa didn't say this at all. Not even slightly ?!? She's simply saying she wouldn't be with a man who refuses to parent correctly which is her right.

She's not making at statements about anyone else bar her own thoughts which as a person with feelings she's allowed to do. Even as a step mum.

Especially if she's a step mum actually.

This is a overreach.

"That's exactly the problem I am pointing out: so many adults think their wants/ needs are more important than children's wellbeing".

No. Many adults think that everyone's needs/wants are important. Not just the children's. I want my sons to see other's needs/wants being fulfilled because I want them to grow up realising that other people matter too.

At the end of the day, it’s both your house and you need to speak to your partner about this, sounds bloody miserable for all. She’s likely worse Because of the lack of boundaries and discipline. These things don’t harm a child they make them feel secure and to just let her behave badly is very lax on your partners side. He needs to realise he’s raising a child to become a nice adult who can function in the world not another entitled child who turns into an entitled adult.

I would not live in this situation Becuase I will not stand back and allow a child to behave like that in a home I live in. It might be her house too but I just could not put up with that am surprised you’ve lasted this long.
Her dad needs to parent his child, Disney dad indeed it does them no bloody good whatsoever

@Iamkmackered1979 I agree I also think that Disney dads make some awful awful children who turn into adults who end up living unhappy lives because they still believe the world owes them something.

Sooner or later it always comes around. My friends the same her parents split and both basically had zero rules, treated her with kid gloves and gave her the world.

She now can't hold down a job because she hates being told what to do, asks her pensioner parents to pay for her rent, food and life style and she sees nothing wrong with it. She also cannot empathise with people or maintain friends (we are only friends because I call her on her sit and she huffs and comes back and apologises for being a brat) she has no one else.

I worry for her when her parents go tbh.

@Thousandsoftulips "Wow. It was low on your list of priorities? Yet your main concern is about some unspecified issue with my "language"?! confused

Step parents with such dismissive attitudes towards their step children's wellbeing are exactly the problem."

Sorry to keep coming back to you but your statements are becoming quite unfair

Actually the 'dismissive attitudes' as you call isn't dismissive at all. It is a weariness that comes after (years in my case) of children being held up as though they are visiting royalty, after watching hours of disney daddying, of having to put up with attitudes from 9 year olds who certainly do know better, after years of being told we are second class citizens because we had the audacity to fall in love with a man who happened to have a child. Being told we shouldn't have babies as it may upset the first family, being told that we have to put up with being ignored, slapped, pushed (by the SC), told we are stupid, told we are not allowed to even ask the NRP if the children have a bedtime because that they upset their "widdle feelings" and seeing time and time again on this forum the hand wringing statements usually along the lines of "but who will think of the chiiiiiildren!"

No SM I have ever met has a dismissive attitude towards a Stepchild. Most are worn down by bad disney parenting and because Stepchildren have worked out very very quickly that their behavior makes the NRP feel even more guilt and the Stepchild gets the exact reward they want, and so it continues, in most cases escalates. Every SM I know goes into this type of relationship with a caring attitude and all of them (and I mean all) end up disengaging as it is much easier than getting hurt.

Katie9998 TOTALLY agree disengaging is easier than getting hurt.

A stepmum isn't an emotional punchbag for the family.

Have you guys listened to any of this new Stepmum podcast? They talk about lots of this stuff on this thread...

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0b5l9wc/episodes/downloads

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Did you mistakenly expect to be his priority because you share a home now? Never gonna happen op. His priorities.. Him. His dd. His mates. You.

Why would his mates come before op?

Mmmmnn I wondered that too

Okay… you have three problems.
One: It’s so obviously him and his shit parenting. He has acknowledged that he needs to do something about his child’s behaviour, but he isn’t prioritizing that. “I know I’m gonna do something about my kid’s behaviour.”, Etc… not getting around to it. This is neglectful. It’s failing her as a parent and you as a partner. I know I couldn’t watch my DH behave like that amd still respect him. He’s also not prioritizing you.
Two: Your self-esteem is shit. If it was any good you wouldn’t be there tolerating that shit from either of them.) Chances are you wouldn’t have found him attractive at all from the outset.
Three: Unless he gets fully involved and sorts his kid out, there is no future for you isn’t this relationship. You will always be powerless to affect change and the scapegoat. This is already taking half of your life. He has shown her that violence is tolerable.

I’d leave.

Oh dear OP red flags are waving at the comment about him wanting you to be there all of the time when his daughter is with you. It's not your job to parent her but he's trying to share the load of her challenging behaviour with you. It's not for you to sort out. Nor is it for you to suggest therapy - this would be massively overstepping.

As for tulip's comments, she is putting all of this on you. See above - not your responsibility. I've been a stepmum for a number of years and would not put up with what you're describing - I'd be out the door so fast if my stepson was pushing me around.

@aSofaNearYou

Right, ok. So women who end up with abusive/ neglectful men are "stupid"?

What a random deflection. It's like you are trying to prove you can be outraged by any and all statements.

Errr no, that's the logical implication of the comment that you made.