I don't know if I can do this

[Sungoesdown]

I'm really not sure if I can do this any more but I'm hoping I can get past this feeling and make it work.

I've been with my partner for a couple of years now (both mid 30s) and we recently bought a house together. He has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

The things I'm struggling with are:

• Her behaviour is incredibly poor. She has been on report in primary school, doesn't follow instructions, and can be incredibly belligerent.
• We have her 50/50 with us getting her on a Saturday or Sunday which means we never get a complete weekend together
• My partner has a mild case of Disney Dad syndrome and can be very soft towards her, not disciplining her, and always treating her and letting her do what she wants (unlimited screen time and the like).
• I feel very much like a second class citizen in my own home, she's pushed me a number of times, ignored me, and generally been rude despite my best efforts

It's just so hard. I feel uncomfortable in my own home and I'm not sure I can do this.

I love my partner so much but I'm not sure how I can get past this feeling. The thought of starting all over again at 35 is terrifying, I don't want to lose my partner, but I don't think I can continue with this 50/50 arrangement.

Has anyone else gone through a period of struggle and managed to make it out the other side?

So you're hoping to bring a baby into this mix as well?

Children behave "badly" when they are struggling with something. It's natural for her to be distressed by the family breakup. What support has she had to process this and come to terms with it? It can be quite traumatising for a child. To then have her father living with another woman he has only known for two years, in a place which is meant to be her home as well, adds to that distress so it's hardly surprising she is not behaving as you would ideally like.

The idea of adding a baby into this situation any time in the next few years is bonkers and, frankly, utterly selfish. If you decide to stay then you need to accept that your step daughter is a child and you also need to prioritise her needs. You chose this situation, she did not. She clearly already feels displaced and insecure. She's had to deal with so much change and needs a period of stability. A half-sibling who (as babies do!) demands a lot of attention and also gets to see her Dad every day and isn't shunted between homes is hardly going to help, is it? And given how you speak about her, it's pretty obvious that even if you tried not to, you would treat a baby of your own very differently. What you are apparently planning will be so, so damaging to this little girl. Do not do it, please.

Does she get regular quality time with her father without you there?

OP he saying to you he won't deal with his child's behaviour so you are better of without them both then to end up being beaten up by a teenage girl.

You won't end up being a mad cat lady at 35. I didn't meet my partner until 40 and I know plenty of other women who met their long-term partners/husbands much older including a few decades older.

Give it a rest @ThousandsofTulips

OP will decide for herself whether she wants to have children and her SD will not be the only or main criteria.

Op,if he won't parent her now and doesn't deal with her pushing you and being on school report then when a baby arrives it will be much worse.

From experience SD is likely to behave worse once she isn't the focus, your partner will pander to her more and you will feel even more trapped, wanting to keep the family together.

This is what happens. If your partner and you are not on the same page re parenting then it can't work...Well you can stay there and be very unhappy.

Don't listen to his words...see his actions.

I’ve been a step parent for nearly 10 years and I absolutely had the thoughts you’re having now along the way. It’s really not an easy gig and I’ve had to bite my tongue a lot and accept lots of things I don’t really want to to make it work. I care about my DSD and like to make sure she’s included, that she feels welcome and loved, I make sure I buy things for her as I do my own DC, make sure we have things in the house she likes to eat etc…I never expect any gratitude from anybody now as I accept that in taking on the step parenting role, it’s just expected that you’ll do these things willingly. The parenting of DSD however I now leave completely to DP- it’s the best thing for self preservation.

I only feel that is really been recently that things have started to feel a lot easier and thats 10 years in so I suppose what I’m saying is you can overcome this if you want to but it’s not easy x

@ThousandsOfTulips

You have no idea what the family set up was before OP and her DP got together, so how can you so confidently say this child has been through the distress of a family break up and say that's a factor in her behaviour?

[quote excelledyourself]@ThousandsOfTulips

You have no idea what the family set up was before OP and her DP got together, so how can you so confidently say this child has been through the distress of a family break up and say that's a factor in her behaviour? [/quote]
Huh? The OP says he has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship in her opening post, so how could the child not have been through a family breakup?

She also said that she has only been in a relationship with the girl's father for only two years. That might be around the appropriate length of time to introduce her to the child. Not to move in together so that the child has to share her home with the OP who she still barely knows!

I am baffled how anybody would not be able to see that this behaviour from adults was highly likely to negatively impact the child, and therefore also her behaviour. Yet another situation where adults behave selfishly to the detriment of children and then blame the child for their totally understandable and predictable negative reactions to it.

I would be very interested to hear the answer as to how much quality time with her father alone the daughter has. That would be one of the key things needed if the situation is to be improved. If that is not happening then no wonder she is acting out.

I have a child from a previous relationship. But his dad and I have never lived together or been in a relationship since he was months old. There has been no distressing family break up.

Could be the same here. You have no idea.

@excelledyourself

I have a child from a previous relationship. But his dad and I have never lived together or been in a relationship since he was months old. There has been no distressing family break up.

Could be the same here. You have no idea.

Presumably the OP would have mentioned such circumstancew if they applied as that would be very pertinent to people's responses. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@excelledyourself

I have a child from a previous relationship. But his dad and I have never lived together or been in a relationship since he was months old. There has been no distressing family break up.

Could be the same here. You have no idea.

Also - as someone who has been a lone parent since my children were babies too, as my husband left then - the absence of one parent is distressing for a child as they grow up. I agree that the effects should hopefully be less given it's their norm, they don't remember any different etc however, once they are older and observe other families they still feel the loss of the absent parent and it changes how they view relationships and security.

@ThousandsOfTulips

I would be very interested to hear the answer as to how much quality time with her father alone the daughter has. That would be one of the key things needed if the situation is to be improved. If that is not happening then no wonder she is acting out.

The pertain question is what is DH doing to support his child and help tackle the issues with his DC.

I would be hoping he would be getting her to therapy actually. Like if this child was doing this is any other family.

We can wringe our hands and go it's trauma, and do nothing. If he has her 50/50 and the child is being violent and this was my DD I would be on top of this like a bag full of rocks. He's the parent who needs to be you know parenting.

No @ThousandsOfTulips it's clearly not something other posters feel is pertinent. Not one single poster has made any reference to the previous relationship breakdown in terms of its impact on the child. Only you.

And I can assure my child is not distressed by the "absence" of his father.

And the father in the scenario has 50/50. Far from absent.

@aSofaNearYou

Give it a rest *@ThousandsofTulips*

OP will decide for herself whether she wants to have children and her SD will not be the only or main criteria.

Of course she will decide for herself if she wants to have children. I wasn't saying she should remain childless if she decides she wants to be a mother.

My point is that she has chosen to have a relationship with a man who already has a child. Implicitly that is an acceptance that that child's needs must come first. Clearly the DD is struggling and not happy so having a baby with her father now would be incredibly selfish as it is almost guaranteed to make things worse. I doubt it would end well for all concerned.

Either she needs to leave and have a baby with somebody else, or her and her husband need to help and support the DD to feel secure and happy (ideally a joint effort with good communication and co-parenting with the DD's mother) before having another child is even considered.

And no, I will not "give it a rest" when adults make a DC's life difficult because they prioritise their own wants/ needs over the child's, and then blame said child for the fallout of that.

@excelledyourself

No *@ThousandsOfTulips* it's clearly not something other posters feel is pertinent. Not one single poster has made any reference to the previous relationship breakdown in terms of its impact on the child. Only you.

That's exactly the problem I am pointing out: so many adults think their wants/ needs are more important than children's wellbeing.

@excelledyourself

And I can assure my child is not distressed by the "absence" of his father.

And the father in the scenario has 50/50. Far from absent.

Maybe he isn't. Plenty are though. There's lots of evidence on the mental and emotional impacts if you care to read the studies.

I would be hoping he would be getting her to therapy actually. Like if this child was doing this is any other family.

Yes, I agree. I have specifically asked what support she has had to process all of these changes to her family life. The OP hasn't yet answered that question.

I'm not disagreeing with everything you've said @ThousandsOfTulips but you have made assumptions here, and I don't think that's fair on OP. I don't particularly care to read the studies, as I think it's well known that children can be distressed by family break ups, but it's not for you or I to say that's the case here, when we have no facts to back it up.

I also don't agree with your suggestion that two years is around the time to introduce children to new partners, but a live in period would have been advisable before they committed and bought a home together.

@excelledyourself

I'm not disagreeing with everything you've said *@ThousandsOfTulips* but you have made assumptions here, and I don't think that's fair on OP. I don't particularly care to read the studies, as I think it's well known that children can be distressed by family break ups, but it's not for you or I to say that's the case here, when we have no facts to back it up.

I also don't agree with your suggestion that two years is around the time to introduce children to new partners, but a live in period would have been advisable before they committed and bought a home together.

Well, OP is free to answer the questions and clarify the situation if I have assumed anything that is incorrect, in which case I will apologise.

Two years of dating seems reasonable to me before bringing a child into the relationship. First, you need to be confident that you thoroughly know the person and the relationship will last, which takes time. Even moving in together two years from meeting someone in a rented place or whatever - when you have your child living with you 50% of the time so it is their home - is very, very fast. How long has the girl known her new live-in step mother? It must have been under a year because surely nobody sane would introduce a new partner to their child when they'd only known the partner a few months. It doesn't sound like the situation has been handled with the DD's needs centred, that is the problem. And as a result it's not surprising that this is now manifesting in the DD having problematic behaviours.

@ThousandsOfTulips I'm gonna correct you on one point.

Only the DP needs to answer this question to OP. This is not something OP needs to fix. To be mindful, sure. She's asking to advice so I assume she isn't falling into the category of not giving a toss about SC mental well-being. If someone's asking for help it's usually not because they are totally unconscious or unconcerned about a situation.

But let's place the responsibility where it belongs.

What are the parents doing to fix a trauma (which if caused by the break up of the first family) to help support their child, they created. He is the father, she has no legal or otherwise right to frog March this child down to a shrink. She's parenting in a vacuum in which she has 0 control and only influence. Can you imagine if I started a post saying I was taking it upon myself to take my SDC to a shrink. My god I got actually hate for asking if it was unreasonable to take my DSD to a circus as that's not my place to decide 😳

I say if because we don't know what's causing the SC to act this way. Making assumptions takes away the voice of the child. The child needs to be spoken to by a outside professional in which they have no loyalty ties so can be honest.

If OP wants to know what other SM would do, many would walk if a parent refuses to parent, because the parents actions are damaging to the child. That's hard v hard to watch and be ok with. In my perspective.

But Her existence doesn't justify violence. No one has any right to put their hands on another, and legally speaking it's something you want children to learn before they get to adulthood and can be legally held accountable.

@ThousandsofTulips your language throughout your comments is just really excessive and extreme. How my DSS might feel about it was pretty low on my list of priorities when deciding to have DD, if DP didn't think that would be good for him that was for him to say and to follow through on. It isn't outrageously selfish of someone in OPs position to not base her decision around her SDs opinion on it, that's for her parent to consider and prioritise.

An in any case, all she said was she's worried about wasting her fertile years, it's really extreme to jump on that statement as though she's trying for a baby right now.

OP, one of the good things about being a step mum is seeing what your DP/DH is like as a dad before ttc with him. Sure some end up being different with subsequent DC but you’re better prepared than someone taking a punt on a man they’ve never seen interact with a baby or a child.

I’ve known my DSC since they were young primary age and there were things I’d have done differently, perhaps even more so looking back now I have my own, but we agree on the fundamentals. I knew I wanted children so I watched and listened once I started spending time with them, we moved in together, got married, bought a house, ttc, eventually got our DD and he’s a truly wonderful dad.

I just couldn’t hang around in hope seeing how yours thinks her behaviour is remotely acceptable. If he’s got a mum how would he feel if his DD pushed her? Ignored her? How does he expect her to treat her class mates at school? He might be trying to improve but she’s far too old already to think what she’s doing is tolerable. You’re seeing how he parents in action in every thing he does. If you don’t like it then you’re in a bad place to even consider having a shared child.

Can you imagine always having to be the bad cop because he’s going to Disney another one? Do you risk him holding your child to completely different standards because he’s still with you and wants to compensate for no longer being with DSD’s mum? It’s a potential minefield and what you already know for sure is you don’t think he’s doing a good job with the child he has. That’s going to cause such major resentment over time, even if you don’t have a baby with him, that what you love about him now might not be enough.

I really feel for you but you can’t keep your head in the sand. If you want to be a mum you probably have to leave him.

Parenting is hard. Step-parenting is harder.
I'll offer a few observations. With children all behaviour is a form of communication. Sometimes you have to work out what it means.
It's not unusual for SC to behave differently to other kids at times. Their home lives and experiences are different. This isn't to excuse poor behaviour, but to see where it's coming from.
Children change over time, so the situation you have now could improve or it could deteriorate.
It's possible what you see as 'soft' parenting is actually just parenting. We often cut our own kids a lot of slack!
I have 2 SC and 1 DD. Having DD made me realise some of my expectations around my SC were unrealistic.
We've had a pretty easy time of it and maybe what worked for us was our home was their home, kids were always welcome and their needs prioritised, DH and his ex co parented well, boundaries and discipline were consistent. We changed the pattern of residency to suit the kids, for example, when they went to high school they wanted to spend the whole week and weekend at the same house and switched Sunday evening.
I'll be honest and say its not easy and I did sometimes feel resentful and overlooked, but we did our best and are now almost 20 years (give or take a year) down the line.

OP I’m 35 and I’ve been single (by choice) since I was 29 after an horrific 2 years of being a step mother.

35 is young. Get out now. Sunken costs and all that. Imagine being 45 and having spent another decade dealing with this shite…