I don't know if I can do this

[Sungoesdown]

I'm really not sure if I can do this any more but I'm hoping I can get past this feeling and make it work.

I've been with my partner for a couple of years now (both mid 30s) and we recently bought a house together. He has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

The things I'm struggling with are:

• Her behaviour is incredibly poor. She has been on report in primary school, doesn't follow instructions, and can be incredibly belligerent.
• We have her 50/50 with us getting her on a Saturday or Sunday which means we never get a complete weekend together
• My partner has a mild case of Disney Dad syndrome and can be very soft towards her, not disciplining her, and always treating her and letting her do what she wants (unlimited screen time and the like).
• I feel very much like a second class citizen in my own home, she's pushed me a number of times, ignored me, and generally been rude despite my best efforts

It's just so hard. I feel uncomfortable in my own home and I'm not sure I can do this.

I love my partner so much but I'm not sure how I can get past this feeling. The thought of starting all over again at 35 is terrifying, I don't want to lose my partner, but I don't think I can continue with this 50/50 arrangement.

Has anyone else gone through a period of struggle and managed to make it out the other side?

Errr no, that's the logical implication of the comment that you made.

Maybe in the land of paranoia, where we all delight in jumping to the worst conclusions possible.

What on earth is happening on this thread? Some absolutely batshit bonkers posting.

Now SC have the right to veto if the adults have another child? Fuck me, I’ve actually heard it all.

@katie9998’s post is on the nose. The only children who walk around like ‘victims’ are the ones whose parents enable it. Vs those who parent supportively but robustly. Divorce/ separated family is no excuse for a 9 year old to be belligerent and push an adult around.

@Sungoesdown I agree with PP. He needs to step up and tackle this. The fact that he wants you there all the time tells me that he himself finds his own child hard work/ boring/ something is amiss. He needs to remove the pressure from you, start parenting his child and tackle the behavioural issues. None of this is for you to solve.

@sassbott the batshit bonkers posting is coming from one person alone...

The 9 year old would have quite quickly worked out that Daddy 'feels' guilty and she is more than likely taking advantage of that other than 'feeling traumatised'.
Bingo.

I have spoken to my partner and he switches between she's just a child, she doesn't know what she's doing

I'd expect EVERY 9 year old child (SEN excepting), to know that it's wrong to push an adult, or another child for that matter. Your DP making excuses for his DD means this is only going to end up one way, and the odds are not stacked in your favour.

I'd leave them to it, as your DP has indicated that he won't be changing his parenting style, which you find unacceptable. At 35, you still have time to meet someone lovely to settle down and have DC with, don't waste another day with this man.

She’s 9 and it sounds like she doesn’t have any boundaries when with you. So she’s acting up and understandably you don’t enjoy having her around.
It seems like the standard MN advice is just to leave or put up with the situation. I don’t agree.
When she is with you both you and your partner are the adults in the house. You need to agree with your partner what the house rules are, then you need to back each other up in putting them in place. Just because you aren’t her mum doesn’t mean you don’t get a say nor should you absent yourself from parenting when she is with you. I have 2 sc and I definitely parent them alongside my partner. The standard MN view seems to be rather anti this approach - all I can say is that I have a great relationship with my sc. Having a home with two adults working together to parent them has helped make them feel secure and as a consequence their behaviour has improved.
Your partner is undoubtedly soft on her because he only has her half the time and I think there is a real worry, especially with dads, that the kids might decide they don’t want to come over if they don’t get their own way etc. He isn’t doing her any favours - kids thrive best when they have security and this means boundaries alongside all the other things.

What you are going through is a common occurrence with step children and it sounds like you are just incompatible as a relationship, I get that you love him and he's perfect without the children, but unfortunately the children will never go away and in your position resentment and unhappiness will build up as it allready has done, as hard as it may be try find someone in the same life position as your self (no kids) your lifestyles will be much more compatible and likely will be happier not having to deal with step children long term

Honestly, I don't think it's going to get any better. Introducing another child into the mix is only going to make her behaviour worse. And if you don't like the way he parents his current child the conflict between the 2 of you would only increase if you had a shared child together. He's not going to magically change his parenting style. It will be more if the same.

Don't settle for this. You're not going to be happy. Cut your losses and look for a child free guy. It's not too late!

Do you really want this ineffectual bloke to father your kid?

@dreamsarefree

I don't think you have a choice with whether he continues with the 50:50 arrangement.

I would sell up and separate. If it's bad now, it is only going to get worse when she hits teenage years. I say that as both a stepmother of a teenager and having a child who has a stepmother. I'd be appalled if my DC pushed her. If you're not on the same page with discipline and boundaries with your DP it will not end well.

I completely agree with this. She’s only 9, her behaviour is established and you have another 10 years of this (with her behaviour getting worse). You are the one who is going to be unhappy and stressed in this situation.

It would be madness to stay in this situation because you’re afraid of being alone. How do you think your life will be in 10 years of you have two young kids yourself, your partner doesn’t parent them well either and your stepdaughter is still controlling family life with her behaviour?