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Redundant hubby, how do we afford Xmas?

253 replies

Slythermum · 04/12/2021 03:58

Just some ideas please, Hubby has been made redundant as of next week, we have just paid out for expensive repairs on the roof. Literally no money to buy the kids Xmas presents. Stepkids don't appreciate anything they are bought, and most of last years presents were left on the floor unplayed with and it's the same every year, BUT they expect very expensive presents for Xmas (They get at least £600 spent on them at Xmas each at their mums) At this point, we are dealing with so much anxiety not sure what to even do :(

to add I saved about £200 for my daughter's Xmas present - I don't want to have to split that between her and the step-siblings because she won't be getting much from her dad for Xmas, whereas they will be coming back from their mums with new games consoles and expensive clothes.

Any suggestions welcome

OP posts:
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Woodmarsh · 04/12/2021 23:04

Ah@tattler2 I wondered how long it would take you to show up, there was a real danger you were going to miss our on the opportunity to bash a step mum for a min there, panic over though here you are

Definitelynotanathlete · 05/12/2021 08:08

Well it works out OK then - both mums buy for their own kids. Absolutely do not share your daughters laptop money with kids who aren't yours.
It's ridiculous that pps are saying, for example, £20 on each child. Why should step children come before your own?!

Tattler2 · 05/12/2021 12:37

@Woodmarsh

My opinion is just one of a many expresed opinions. It is neither supporting nor bashing anymore. It is surprising that you accord my particular thoughts worth waiting to hear. My thoughts are based upon my experiences and beliefs. If there is some universal SM belief vook, I have not been fortunate enough to receive a copy.

I don't expect nor particularly care if you do not share my thoughts or beliefs, they are after all informed by my life experiences. I assume that your beliefs are informed by your life experiences. If there were only one right answer, there would be little need for discussion.

HeckyPeck · 05/12/2021 14:35

You've had som really spiteful comments on here OP!

Re the maintenance, if you're paying it for him I really think you should consider stopping.

You shouldn't put your household (and your child as a result) at a financial disadvantage, particularly as you're struggling on one wage at the moment, to pay his ex-wife.

funinthesun19 · 05/12/2021 15:26

I agree the maintenance needs to stop.

MalbecandToast · 05/12/2021 15:36

@HeckyPeck stop the maintenance?! Its not for his ex wife, it's to provide for her husbands children! Either she pays it, or he gets a grip and finds SOMETHING to do and pays it too. I find it very hard to believe he can't find a retail or hospitality job, the country is in crisis due to shortages ffs.

Tattler2 · 05/12/2021 15:44

@funinthesun19
Is the husband not receiving unemployment? Maintenance may need to be adjusted to be consistent with the husband's modified income. What should he tell his children? Their needs for food , shelter, clothing ,etc do not diminish or disappear because he frequently becomes redundant. Maybe rather than stopping his job search when he finds a new job; he should continue the search for a second job.

I agree that it is not the OP's responsibility to cover his maintenance payments. I do however not understand the " we are a team " proponents who shout this chant until the team mentality is put to a test. Everyone can be a committed team member when the team is winning, the real test comes when the team is less successful.

The OP sounds like a nice person facing a challenging situation. Obviously, she will do that which seems best for her in her situation.

aSofaNearYou · 05/12/2021 15:51

[quote MalbecandToast]@HeckyPeck stop the maintenance?! Its not for his ex wife, it's to provide for her husbands children! Either she pays it, or he gets a grip and finds SOMETHING to do and pays it too. I find it very hard to believe he can't find a retail or hospitality job, the country is in crisis due to shortages ffs.[/quote]
I understand why you would be appalled by him not finding a way to pay maintenance, but why so shocked that she isn't paying it for him?

aSofaNearYou · 05/12/2021 15:53

I agree that it is not the OP's responsibility to cover his maintenance payments. I do however not understand the " we are a team " proponents who shout this chant until the team mentality is put to a test. Everyone can be a committed team member when the team is winning, the real test comes when the team is less successful.

I don't think very many people actually say this about themselves and their partners in relation to their SC.

funinthesun19 · 05/12/2021 16:04

stop the maintenance?! Its not for his ex wife, it's to provide for her husbands children!

Why the outrage? We all know who the maintenance is for. We also know who the parents are who who the parents are not. Who has financial responsibility for the children and who doesn’t. The op isn’t either of those things. So no need to be outraged at the thought of the OP stopping paying.

Tattler I agree the the father needs to find a job. Any job. That’s what needs to happen so that he can provide his bit for his children.
I actually find it really astounding and cheeky that a woman would accept maintenance from anyone other than her children’s father.
As for being a team, should OP’s DH pay for her child if her children’s father loses his job and pay the amount he would have paid her in maintenance? Reduce the amount of money he has available for his actual children? All part of being a team eh? Bollocks. Op shouldn’t reduce the money she has available for her child either.

funinthesun19 · 05/12/2021 16:16

I don't think very many people actually say this about themselves and their partners in relation to their SC.

I completely agree with this. I think when there are stepchildren involved, there is a (rightful) reluctance to throw yourself in to paying for everything and doing everything all the name of being a team. This is largely because there is another living breathing parent out there responsible for the child.

Tattler2 · 05/12/2021 16:18

@aSofaNearYou
It becomes a confusing issue that.started out with a "what should we do" suggesting , at least to me, that the OP was seeking a joint solution to a problem in their joint household.

I did not understand the need to mention what the partner's ex provides in her household as that has no bearing on what OP and her partner should do in their household.

It seems that the "we are team " notion has a very fluid and flexible applicability.

Again, I don't think that the OP has an obligation to solve her partner's financial issues, but then she can easily give his kids a small and inexpensive token from herself and leave anything else to her partner to resolve.

How the kids experience this really is up to her partner and the explanation that he provides. The only potential for a problem depends upon how they ,in the past have represented to the children their equitable status in the household.

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/12/2021 16:23

There are other possibilities. When one of my brothers was out of work for a while, I paid his maintenance, because - blood relatives. His ex paid me back when better times came and she was earning well.

Tattler2 · 05/12/2021 16:30

@SpaceshiptoMars
You are a good sister. I would hope that if a similar situation were to happen with one of my siblings that we as a family would step up rather than see our nieces,nephews, or grandchildren do without.

Not all families are in a position to do that, but many are in a position to provide varying degrees of help. I would also suggest Tony brother that given his recurrent luck in the job market that he needs to consider working 2 jobs and putting money aside for his inevitable rainy days.

MalbecandToast · 05/12/2021 17:44

I'm sorry but I'm a step parent as well as a parent. When I made a commitment to my DP I also made one to the children. I knew I couldn't have him without the children and so when we made the decision to move in together, we became a partnership. If DP lost his job, too right I'd pay maintenence for him! I would not see my SC go without just for my own DC to thrive. They are ALL my responsibility. And as for the idea that their mother is somehow out of order accepting money from the OP, how ridiculous. Her children need clothing, feeding, warmth etc just as much now as they did when their father worked! He needs to get a grip and take any job there is and the OP should do the decent thing for the children of her husband whilst he can't.

CloudyStorms · 05/12/2021 18:13

[quote MalbecandToast]@HeckyPeck stop the maintenance?! Its not for his ex wife, it's to provide for her husbands children! Either she pays it, or he gets a grip and finds SOMETHING to do and pays it too. I find it very hard to believe he can't find a retail or hospitality job, the country is in crisis due to shortages ffs.[/quote]
Tough he doesn't have the money. So he can't pay.

CloudyStorms · 05/12/2021 18:15

DP lost his job, too right I'd pay maintenence for him! I would not see my SC go without just for my own DC to thrive I wouldn't. Why should mum get some of my money because DH loses his job? If he's not bringing anything into our household then why should I subsidise another household when I'd be carrying the financial burden of my own household? The ex chose to have kids with him, not me!

MalbecandToast · 05/12/2021 18:16

Wow. This is children we are talking about. Their father can't keep a bloody job but sure, let's let them suffer. I mean, the OP apparently loves their father enough to live with him, but yeah no don't help him out. They are "his" kids after all. I'm sure the stress of not providing for his kids won't impact his "mental health" issues the OP is so worried about at all Confused

This step parenting board is vile sometimes Sad

CloudyStorms · 05/12/2021 18:18

And what about OP's mental health? It's not going to do her any good suddenly being responsible for someone else's kids.

CloudyStorms · 05/12/2021 18:19

And they won't suffer. If one parents income is ok for OP's family to get by on for a bit then it's ok for the DSC.

HeckyPeck · 05/12/2021 18:27

I think a lot of the people insisting that OP should pay maintenance are coming from a position of financial privilege.

OP has already said they are struggling on just her wage.

Would you really pay for another household you have no responsibility for to the detriment of your own?

I could understand helping out if you can afford it, know that the kids other parent is struggling financially and, most importantly, choose to do so. There's certainly no obligation to though.

Tattler2 · 05/12/2021 18:32

Does the husband not receive unemployment compensation? Is he not generating any income? Less income should mean a reduction in his contribution to both households. Less does not equal nothing. He should be providing something in both households even if it means that he personally is doing without.

His partner can resign herself to his employment instability that is her personal choice. His children don't get to make a personal choice. They only get to feel the negative impact of his employment instability.

CloudyStorms · 05/12/2021 18:38

by stopping the maintenance I mean stopping it at its current rate and paying it according to the cms calculator.

funinthesun19 · 05/12/2021 18:45

MalbecandToast where is your concern for the OP’s child in all of this? Her DD deserves to be supported fully by her own parents just as much the stepchildren do by theirs. The stepchildren have one parent out of work, just like many other children do at the moment in time. Shit happens.

If OP’s ex lost his job and the OP suddenly didn’t receive maintenance anymore, would you feel so strongly about OP’s DH paying that maintenance instead, just like you feel strongly about OP supporting her DH’s children via paying maintenance? This would result in his own children getting less spent on them because he had to ring fence X amount for his stepchildren.
There would be uproar on here if a father gave less to his own because he paid for his stepchildren.

Tattler2 · 05/12/2021 19:08

@funinthesun19
It seems as the only person in this scenario with a choice is the OP. She is choosing to be with a man who is serially unemployed. This is her elective choice. That may be a questionable choice but it does not create an obligation for her to assume or undertake his obligations; nor does it give her the right to address what does or does not happen in his ex's household

The only people who have no choice or impactful voice are the children. They have no ability to effect the impact of their father's inability to stay gainfully employed, but they will most often be negatively impacted.

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