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Redundant hubby, how do we afford Xmas?

253 replies

Slythermum · 04/12/2021 03:58

Just some ideas please, Hubby has been made redundant as of next week, we have just paid out for expensive repairs on the roof. Literally no money to buy the kids Xmas presents. Stepkids don't appreciate anything they are bought, and most of last years presents were left on the floor unplayed with and it's the same every year, BUT they expect very expensive presents for Xmas (They get at least £600 spent on them at Xmas each at their mums) At this point, we are dealing with so much anxiety not sure what to even do :(

to add I saved about £200 for my daughter's Xmas present - I don't want to have to split that between her and the step-siblings because she won't be getting much from her dad for Xmas, whereas they will be coming back from their mums with new games consoles and expensive clothes.

Any suggestions welcome

OP posts:
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Wizzbangfizz · 04/12/2021 17:16

Not read whole thread but from what you have said it sounds like you want people to say it is ok to spend 200 on your own child hardly anything on your step kids. I don't think you necessary are being unreasonable to do so but the step kids noses are likely to be out of joint.

funinthesun19 · 04/12/2021 17:21

So your DD isn’t his. The presents that you’ve saved up for will be from you.
I’m failing to see what you personally are doing against the dsc here.
Your DD has a lot going on and so do you, and you shouldn’t compromise on her Christmas.

I hope your DH finds work soon and he manages to sort his DC out with some presents. Flowers

aSofaNearYou · 04/12/2021 17:21

This makes no sense. Both mum's can afford to buy Christmas presents for their kids, the dad can't afford to buy any for any of them. It's equal, and not about him choosing not to spend on them.

The leading statements about "would you be ok with him not sharing with you" are foolish imo. Yes I would be ok with him not sharing his money for expenses that are mine alone, especially if he didn't have ample to spare.

Slythermum · 04/12/2021 17:22

Three weeks ago before all this happened I bought them new snuggly duvet covers and fleece blankets for the winter, I bought them slippers and Pj's. I bought them new rugs for their rooms, new art materials for school. These children have over the years had plenty of things from the bank of step mum, as when I get anything for my dd I usually get the same for them, not just essentials but nice things to brighten their rooms. These children have not ever been neglected in their needs. What they don't need is designer labels or iphones from me.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 04/12/2021 17:23

@aSofaNearYou

This makes no sense. Both mum's can afford to buy Christmas presents for their kids, the dad can't afford to buy any for any of them. It's equal, and not about him choosing not to spend on them.

The leading statements about "would you be ok with him not sharing with you" are foolish imo. Yes I would be ok with him not sharing his money for expenses that are mine alone, especially if he didn't have ample to spare.

This. Totally this.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/12/2021 17:35

@aSofaNearYou

This makes no sense. Both mum's can afford to buy Christmas presents for their kids, the dad can't afford to buy any for any of them. It's equal, and not about him choosing not to spend on them.

The leading statements about "would you be ok with him not sharing with you" are foolish imo. Yes I would be ok with him not sharing his money for expenses that are mine alone, especially if he didn't have ample to spare.

Well said!
candlelightsatdawn · 04/12/2021 18:35

Christ on a bike.

Wasn't there a thread that was like well make sure DC doesn't brag to SC about their presents they get from their bio grandparents and the child was a brat to be getting more presents and the child was too😂 but apparently if the step children do it normal behaviour.

Must be a different rule book for DC and SC because some of these posters seemed to be forgetting what they are posting.

OP hasn't said she's getting SC zero presents, she's getting them less because they don't have the money.

Frankly though I'm not gonna lie as a mum ,I have helped my ex and my DH ex with money or presents when money was low due to similar circumstances.

All those people giving hassle to op, here's a question for you ! Would you help your ex if he lost his job and put your hand in your pocket ? Because you really should be if your comments are really coming from "think of the children". But I'm guessing that's only something you think a SM should do so you hold SM at a higher bar than you hold yourself.

Slythermum · 04/12/2021 18:53

Last year I spent about £200 on each child. I have an older son who has now moved out and he also bought some little presents for them. This week I found the £200 drawing tablet I bought for one of them down the side of the bed with the stylus broken.

People have actually given some really good tips on here and I'm going to go with food-based presents and a shelf for each of them in the cupboard with their special bits in, arrange a trip later in the year to Legoland when our finances pick up and look at a wee subscription box for each of them.

DH just spoke to them about not boasting about their presents and I'm hoping they will remember - they aren't with us Xmas Eve so it's only going to be my dd. My older son is going to see if any of his mates can upgrade one of their old laptops for dd. He does spray painting so he's talking about spray painting the case for it for her. She will love this.

OP posts:
CloudyStorms · 04/12/2021 19:30

This week I found the £200 drawing tablet I bought for one of them down the side of the bed with the stylus broken. I mean these things happen but I'd be devastated that they hadn't come and explained it to me or DH. Things get broken but to not even be upset about it is cold!

CloudyStorms · 04/12/2021 19:31

I wouldn't worry too much about the boasting. Eventually your DC will see how rude they are and think nothing of it.

Tattler2 · 04/12/2021 19:38

Children are not always boasting when they tell what they received for Xmas or on any other day. Sometimes they are just telling what happened on a given day or at a given time.

Every action does not have a nefarious intent and many children are careless with their possessions. That is not an indication of entitlement or indifference; more often than not it is a function of age and lack of proper training.

Having special needs does not entitle one to more gifts in their mutual household nor should a more subdued response mean that a child should get less.

In there is only 20 to be spent in the home that the kids share; then 20 should be spent equitably for all of them. What happens in their mutual home should not be informed by what happens in a different household.

CloudyStorms · 04/12/2021 19:47

What happens in their mutual home should not be informed by what happens in a different household I disagree. If they are given a mobile phone or a mobile computing device then as it is mobile it can be taken across homes so they don't need two. In fact it would be annoying for the DSC to have to change phones every time they go to their other home.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/12/2021 19:47

In there is only 20 to be spent in the home that the kids share; then 20 should be spent equitably for all of them. What happens in their mutual home should not be informed by what happens in a different household.

So by your logic, couldn't you also say their mum should get them less this year to ensure that everything is spent 'equitably' between all the kids and households involved? Rather than their dad and his step mum getting into further financial difficulty?

CloudyStorms · 04/12/2021 19:48

Children are not always boasting when they tell what they received for Xmas or on any other day I do agree with this but have assumed OP is able to tell the difference between bragging and simply relaying what they received from their mother. It is usually obvious by tone of voice and language used

Cosmos123 · 04/12/2021 19:54

Do you have to buy gifts?
Maybe a voucher offering to do something for them or teach them.
Teach them a skill, sport or cooking class.

Or have a limit of £10 and do a secret santa.

Do fun activities like quizes Kareokee.
Maybe they will have fun and appreciate the quality time.

Tattler2 · 04/12/2021 20:05

@CloudyStorms
As a young child my son would retell the story of his Xmas day with the same enthusiasm and excitement 4 days after Xmas as he did on Xmas day He was never boasting ; he was just overwhelmed with all that the day contained. He would say this to his sibling and cousins who had received BB as much or more than he had and who were there for the opening of presents . He was just a vivid and excited story teller. Many children just get buoyed up when recounting pleasant experiences. That is not boasting that is just accurate and enjoyable recall.

aSofaNearYou · 04/12/2021 20:11

In there is only 20 to be spent in the home that the kids share; then 20 should be spent equitably for all of them. What happens in their mutual home should not be informed by what happens in a different household.

The house they share isn't buying them presents, their parents that live there are, and the SC have some adults living there who are their parents, and some that are not.

ToughTittyWhompus · 04/12/2021 20:12

Where is DHs money?

I know he’s been on and off with work, but has he not put anything aside?

Because it comes across like your finances aren’t fully joint. So if they’re not, it’s his problem. If they are, it’s a both of you problem.

@TheGoodEnoughWife that’s not what’s happening though, is it? As I’ve said before, SCs are more than likely excited about what they’ve had, rather than trying to rub their step siblings noses in it.

funinthesun19 · 04/12/2021 20:18

What happens in their mutual home should not be informed by what happens in a different household

I disagree too. If the dsc are getting expensive things from their mum, then I don’t see why the OP should be in any rush to go out and buy them anything anywhere near the same.

And anyway, in any case I think it’s very sensible to think about what the child will be getting across both houses. 1) So there are no duplicates of toys etc and 2) As a poster above said, ending up with 2 phones would just be ridiculous. And I know this might not be a popular opinion, but I feel the same about two Nintendo switches or two X boxes or two laptops. Why does a child need two when they can easily be brought back and forth and plugged in?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 04/12/2021 20:19

Whether they are showing off or just excited why should the OPs daughter go without in order to buy the sc more presents/more expensive presents?
The OPs child will know that the sc receive more presents at their Mums home.
I never get these responses when it seems it is okay for the OP biological child to miss out?

There is unfairness to it and currently that is the OPs child.

There are two mums. They are buying their own children presents to a price they can afford. End of. What the Dad does for the sc is no concern of the OP. He can sort it out. Whether that be by selling some stuff or promising presents/experiences when fiancés allow him to.

If you think it should be the OP problem to sort then why isn't the sc own mum? Surely she could share some of the £600 presents she buys with the Dad so the children feel they have something from each parent?

These children have two parents. The OP is not one of them.

ToughTittyWhompus · 04/12/2021 20:22

@TheGoodEnoughWife if their finances are fully joint then yes it’s a problem for both of them.

Danikm151 · 04/12/2021 20:49

@Slythermum
Very have a chrome book for £129 atm. Leaves £70 for xmassy activities. Those are perfect for schoolwork.
Food ideas are great, it’s something you can do together too. Subscription boxes can be good, just check if it’s within your budget to continue with them. Sometimes you can skip a month if you select by a certain date each month.
Check your entitlement to universal credit (if you haven’t already) the work taper rate has changed this month so that’s extra in your pocket after wages are factored in.
In terms of £20-40 presents for teens.
Girls: beauty box (soap and glory etc)
Boys: grooming kit
Will make them feel a bit more grown up too.

Sorry about your hubby’s situation- redundancy is hard! If he can drive, there’s a shortage of bus drivers(public transport/home to school etc) up and down the country and training is usually included as long as you have a drivers licence.
People can be so judgmental as if it’s easy to walk into a new job.

Good luck

CloudyStorms · 04/12/2021 20:51

@Tattler2 I agree with you that kids just like to explain excitedly what they got for christmas. There is a difference where it is "well my mum got me xyz which is much better than yours". There is a difference and I expect OP knows this!

SpaceshiptoMars · 04/12/2021 20:52

We used to spend a happy family evening doing origami at Xmas time - lots and lots of stars made of shiny wrapping paper. I've still got loads of strings of them that get hung up.

Here's one:
www.itsalwaysautumn.com/origami-star.html

Lots of others and tutorials on youtube.

CloudyStorms · 04/12/2021 20:53

@SpaceshiptoMars

We used to spend a happy family evening doing origami at Xmas time - lots and lots of stars made of shiny wrapping paper. I've still got loads of strings of them that get hung up.

Here's one:
www.itsalwaysautumn.com/origami-star.html

Lots of others and tutorials on youtube.

Yes or just a simple paperchain!

So much fun can be had with just paper and pritt stick.

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