Redundant hubby, how do we afford Xmas?

[Slythermum]

Just some ideas please, Hubby has been made redundant as of next week, we have just paid out for expensive repairs on the roof. Literally no money to buy the kids Xmas presents. Stepkids don't appreciate anything they are bought, and most of last years presents were left on the floor unplayed with and it's the same every year, BUT they expect very expensive presents for Xmas (They get at least £600 spent on them at Xmas each at their mums) At this point, we are dealing with so much anxiety not sure what to even do :(

to add I saved about £200 for my daughter's Xmas present - I don't want to have to split that between her and the step-siblings because she won't be getting much from her dad for Xmas, whereas they will be coming back from their mums with new games consoles and expensive clothes.

Any suggestions welcome

When I had a similar situation I bought a jewellery crafting kit from Amazon and made my own necklace, bracelet, earring sets…cost me about £16.

Why did people report my post? Seriously - I haven't asked anyone for money, I literally said we were struggling and wanted some ideas. I'm actually a bit shocked at the vitriol by one or two particular spiteful posters! Nasty pieces of work indeed with nothing better to do than taking stabs at a mother who is struggling to keep a blended family together whilst looking after my own mental health and my partner's mental health too. Some people have the empathy of a slug. But hey ho.

Thank you to everyone who did give some good ideas, I've been looking into food-based presents and subscriptions which will definitely feel like less of a waste of money. DH has spoken to kids this morning about losing his job and told them we will be doing a scaled-down Xmas to manage expectations.

@TwoBulletsFiveZombies

Something I do OP is made the kids up some Christmas stockings with essentials and things they need to be bought anyway i.e. shower gel, new toothbrush, deodorant, socks with a pattern they'll like - and throw in a couple of cheap bits of toys or sweets/chocolates and tinsel to Christmas it up. Shower gels etc. normally come in Christmassy versions. Wrap everything up individually so they'll feel like they have a lot to open.

It can be done quite cheaply and is money that you'd otherwise need to spend anyway throughout the year.

Totally doing this x

People reported your post because they feel that gullible people will send you money. MN put their usual warning on the thread. They have just deleted a thread that was in a somewhat similar vein

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Children need to learn they can't have everything they want and its a good lesson to learn for life. People who think they are entitled to have things grow up to have massive credit card debt. I didn't have any of this stuff as a child of a single mum in the 60's and I was fine, appreciated small things. You need to tell them the situation and say xmas is going to be different this year and why. Make it fun in other ways, nice food, games and so on. Xmas is really out of control now and people are made to feel like rubbish for not being able to afford big expensive gifts, its ridiculous.

This is exactly it, it's the horrible feeling of not being able to provide. Last year I got a weird message from their mum about stocking fillers and how they had been complaining they didn't get a big stocking here. It was a pretty big stocking! It had loads of little fun things in it. I was a bit baffled by the expectation, surely the stocking is just a bit of fun but apparently, they have PILLOWCASES at hers that get filled? So it's just stupid stuff like that which makes nothing feel good enough here when DH has been struggling with work for the last few years through no fault of his own. It's also just really really shitty timing.

I suppose I'm also at the point where I don't want to throw money away and what I spend needs to count.

@nimbuscloud

People reported your post because they feel that gullible people will send you money. MN put their usual warning on the thread. They have just deleted a thread that was in a somewhat similar vein

But I haven't asked for money and nothing in my posts ever indicated that I was asking for money! FFS.

I don’t disagree.

It's not about me needing money from other people. It's about me feeling scared and shitty about being in this position again and not wanting to waste money on kids who don't appreciate anything apart from really expensive brands and games consoles.

@nimbuscloud

I don’t disagree.

Sorry Nimbus, didn't mean to snap x

Don’t worry ! It’s not easy trying to keep everything going.

I think this is awful. Their mother is buying them stuff. Your child's father should be buying her stuff. And between the two of you you have a joint responsibility to all of the children because you are a couple. That's the way it is - you take in the family. I'm not a step parent but I sometimes find it hard to understand how people think it's OK not to treat all of your husbands children the same

What's upsetting about this time is the timing, but also that he was told when he started the job that it was a long term prospect (he left another less well paid but more secure job for it), and now the company has let three members of staff go so it's a shock. I work three different jobs (some are freelance) and we just didn't need this bullshit before Xmas. The shock of redundancy is horrible whenever it comes, my ex-husband went through it several times as well, so it's been a constant in my life. It's getting our heads around the impermanence of jobs these days and the callousness of employers.

This time last year he was sending out one application after another and getting constantly rejected, it is at least better knowing that the job market has changed.

@flippertyop

I think this is awful. Their mother is buying them stuff. Your child's father should be buying her stuff. And between the two of you you have a joint responsibility to all of the children because you are a couple. That's the way it is - you take in the family. I'm not a step parent but I sometimes find it hard to understand how people think it's OK not to treat all of your husbands children the same

Maybe if you were a step-parent to children who literally throw the stuff you buy them on the floor you might change your tune.

No I wouldn't because they are still his children. If your daughter threw her stuff in the floor would you not get her anything for Xmas? You are using that as an excuse to justify what you are doing. It's wrong

@flippertyop

No I wouldn't because they are still his children. If your daughter threw her stuff in the floor would you not get her anything for Xmas? You are using that as an excuse to justify what you are doing. It's wrong

Bollocks. I think you've just turned up to point fingers and feel smug about your own imaginary parenting of stepchildren. Did I say I wasn't getting them presents? Or have I said several times I am getting them things but need to scale down and not waste money on things they will throw away or turn their nose up at?

I think your DH should find something to sell to free up some money, this is what my DP does!

@aSofaNearYou

I think your DH should find something to sell to free up some money, this is what my DP does!

Yeah, we have just put a bunch of records and clothes on eBay and just need to keep on top of it. Might look at doing a flea market if any are here before Xmas. Need to do a good declutter anyway tbh.

If my ex-husband was in your situation, I'd be suggesting we do Christmas jointly and I provide the gifts for both homes. I may be the outlier here but I don't think you should be expected to step in. People go through hard times and I'd like to think even parents who don't get on (like my ex and I) could get over themselves in a situation like this. If their Mum can afford to spend £600 then there's no reason those gifts can't be split. This is a horrible time of year for redundancy, I really feel for you.

I'd also suggest ebay & charity shops. I struggled a lot when I was first a single Mum and I'm not ashamed to admit my DD didn't have anything new for many years.

Wishing you all the best x

All the people saying she has to surge HER money on the step kids instead of HER daughter..... the children aren't related Artist from by marriage. Since when does a step mum have to take from her own kids to keep the step kids "equal" when the sake step kids are going to have a HUGE windfall from their mum? Yes get them a present but not at the cost of your disabled daughter !!

In your shoes I would promise buy the step kids tickets to a future event in the summer. Like Alton towers 2 for 1 or similar. Then for now but them a game each like throw throw burrito and poetry for cave men. They get the benefit of playing the game and actually spending time with you All together as a family. Possibly put together a movie night with popcorn ? That would take about £30. Spend £50-60 on festive food and the rest on your daughter. 95% of home schooling can be done on a phone or tablet so instead of a laptop would a tablet be any good? Add in a few boards games and stocking fillers and you are fine.

@flippertyop just stop, stop with the smugness the holier than thou this is what I would do approach. You have no idea what you would do in OPS shoes because you aren't in them and here's hoping you never will be.

As for all those saying OP should spend HER hard earned money equally even if that means her daughter getting less than the step kids in total just no, that's not fair at all, it's just ridiculous. They are in a position where their father can afford less so they get less, sounds like they will be over gifted and spoilt anyway

Honestly the entitlement and expectation on behalf of the step kids on this thread is beyond ridiculous

@flippertyop

No I wouldn't because they are still his children. If your daughter threw her stuff in the floor would you not get her anything for Xmas? You are using that as an excuse to justify what you are doing. It's wrong

Utterly ridiculous comments. Of course OP prioritises her own child - she's the only one who buys for her.

The DSCs have lots of people buying for them.

She married a man with kids. They are his responsibility but in part also hers. It's pretty disgusting when he can't buy them anything at Christmas that she isn't stepping in. That's what being married is. Why do people marry someone with kids and then pretend they have no responsibility towards them ?

@SnekkinOnDown

All the people saying she has to surge HER money on the step kids instead of HER daughter..... the children aren't related Artist from by marriage. Since when does a step mum have to take from her own kids to keep the step kids "equal" when the sake step kids are going to have a HUGE windfall from their mum? Yes get them a present but not at the cost of your disabled daughter !!

In your shoes I would promise buy the step kids tickets to a future event in the summer. Like Alton towers 2 for 1 or similar. Then for now but them a game each like throw throw burrito and poetry for cave men. They get the benefit of playing the game and actually spending time with you All together as a family. Possibly put together a movie night with popcorn ? That would take about £30. Spend £50-60 on festive food and the rest on your daughter. 95% of home schooling can be done on a phone or tablet so instead of a laptop would a tablet be any good? Add in a few boards games and stocking fillers and you are fine.

This is great, my mum lives near Legoland so I can arrange a trip later in the year when we are a bit more settled. I could do a card for it. Those games sound good! Off to google them.

@MeridianB

Sorry to hear this, OP. What a rough time of year for this to happen. Will he not get any severance?

How old are all the children? If they are old enough to understand then I’d be inclined to explain what’s happened and say this year, Christmas is going to different for all of us - we’ll each have one small gift.

I get that wealthy parents have the right to buy £600 worth of gifts per child but it really does sound OTT. This is a chance to re-set the whole thing.

And if any of the children complain, then a chat about the value and cost of things, how many hours of work it takes to pay for x, etc sounds well overdue. Presumably maintenance will now pause until your DH finds a new job?

Don’t be guilted or shamed into taking on credit for Christmas. Your living expenses now and in 2022 should be your main focus.

Wishing you luck.

Why on earth would maintenance stop? He's still responsible for his kids regardless of their mothers financial position! 🙄🙄

@flipertyop that would be because they don't, certainly not financial responsibility to the detriment of their own disabled child