Dealing with rejection

[Toughroadahead]

Hi

I'm really struggling. I'm a step mum to 3 kids. They are all in their teens and live with us majority of the time
I'm currently 5 weeks pregnant after IVF. The eldest step kid went through my stuff and found it all and was really upset. However, does not know I'm pregnant yet.
We have now spoken to all of them and explained we want one. Well I've never seen such melt downs and they are all adamant that they won't accept it, speak to it and one is saying she leave to live with BM.
I am honestly gutted by this and it's making me struggle with the idea of being pregnant, like I can't be happy. How do we keep the peace and deal with this negative reaction?

Thank you

I’m sorry they’re not as happy as you’d hoped they’d be but they are in fear of rejection too. No doubt MN experts will be along saying they’re teens and should know better but they’re children who are about to have their safe and secure world turned upside down and the displacement caused by a new sibling arrival can be hard at any age. They’ll fear replacement by this baby that is actually yours.

They should never have been going through your things but give them time to adjust. In time they’ll start to look forward to the new baby.

Give them time to come to terms with it.

It is a shame that they found out instead of you and their father being able to sit down and talk to them about it.
They are probably worried about the changes the new baby will bring and if that means they will be pushed out.
How old are they?

@NeedsCharging

Give them time to come to terms with it.

It is a shame that they found out instead of you and their father being able to sit down and talk to them about it.
They are probably worried about the changes the new baby will bring and if that means they will be pushed out.
How old are they?

We tried to talk to them and explain but they could not accept it. They have been through an awful lot in the past year which I understand but I hate feeling so guilty and like I'm wrecking everyone's lives

The eldest is 20, then twins who are 13. It would break me if they turned against my OH or me. I don't know how to make them see it'll be ok and it's a long way off before it's here so I've got months of feeling this sadness and pain x

@Alpenguin, 100% agree. A new baby signals massive change for them and fear (there could also be embrassment as I know one teen felt having to tell friends about a parent having a baby was mortifying).

All you can do is reassure them but understand that if they had no idea of a baby then it will be a shock.

I think they may get used to the idea and embrace it but it will be your actions that reassure them, not words.

Like I said OP you need to give them time.
Explain that although the new baby will bring change it will not change how much you love and care for them.

There are many months between now and the birth for them to come round.
Remember they were just them for 13 years and they have had no say in this, no choice so its not always easy to accept.

Did you discuss it all with them before starting the ivf so they knew it was likely to happen? How long have they been living and settled with you in a period of stability.

My Kids step mother is likely to have a baby next year. My kids know this. By the time a baby arrived DS will likely be 13. He is not happy about it. He struggles to tell them
How he is feeling as he knows he is supposed to feel excited and can sense they are and doesn't want to hurt their feelings. Ive had to let his Dad know that actually hes really struggling with the idea but is finding it hard to verbalise. The bottom line is my son doesn't want to share his dad.

I think we all accept its going to happen whether my son likes it or not. But by the time it happens he will have had 3-4 years of it being gently introduced so he should be ok. I suspect he will spend less time there and more here because his Dad will have less time for him and the house will be baby centric as oppose to teenage centric. But we havent mentioned that as my son can work that out for himself.

So i think their reaction is a bit
Extreme but understandable and comes
From fear and insecurity. They have 8
Months to come
Round to the idea a little. Id drop the subject for a few months. And let it settle.

At the end of the day you aren't going to change your life plan because of kids.

Sorry but they sound like little brats. Let them go and sulk all they want, this isn't your burden, teens or not they are kids and just need to deal with it.

Funny how 3 of them is allowed but one of your own isnt. They are selfish and i wouldn't even let it get to you. Focus on your special little one in your belly, stress isnt good.

Also, i hope you massively told them off for going through your things!

They aren't brats, or selfish. They are children who have been through a lot and are struggling to get their head around more changes.

All that will help is time and actually seeing for themselves that they won't be displaced.

@Freakysunday

At the end of the day you aren't going to change your life plan because of kids.

Sorry but they sound like little brats. Let them go and sulk all they want, this isn't your burden, teens or not they are kids and just need to deal with it.

Funny how 3 of them is allowed but one of your own isnt. They are selfish and i wouldn't even let it get to you. Focus on your special little one in your belly, stress isnt good.

Also, i hope you massively told them off for going through your things!

Well aren't you just an absolute delight.

Going through your stuff is a major issue for me, particularly given the age of the oldest being 20 and they should be well aware of privacy and boundaries. Secondly I don't think you were obliged at all to tell them you were embarking upon ivf so they knew it was likely. IVF has no guarantees and although you are pregnant (massive congrats by the way 👶🏻☺️)... it doesn't work for everyone. It's taken me 6 years and 6 rounds of IVF for it to work. My belief is that had we informed our SC it could have just causes then upset and disappointment, plus pressure from external people who would find out. They do seem to be struggling with the idea of sharing their Dad and having the current situation changed. I do believe this to be more relevant to the 13 years olds than the 20 year old. I think the older one needs to acknowledge it may not have been so negative had everyone not found out the way they did due to them invading your privacy. Do not let this ruin your experience. Infertility is hard enough without feeling guilty for wanting to simply experience being a Mum yourself, as well as wife, stepmum, friend etc. I do think reassuring them and having a conversation is needed - life is going to change but not necessarily all for the negative as some posters seem to insinuate. Homes are not centric to any individual and for us we have highlighted that it's about everyone in our home. Wishing you all the best - but please please treasure this special time that you are entitled to experience xx

A 20 year old went through your stuff???? What did your dp say?

You needn't tell them about if but it's natural to tell your family about hope and dreams so can take them on the journey with you and share your upset and happiness.

You have 8mths to communicate with them and show them they are part of your family too.

Divorce is shit when you are a kid and you allude to other bad things happening in the last year so they would benefit from kindness from all

Well, I would be telling eldest SC how upset I was that they were going through my stuff, and asking them how they would feel if you were in the habit of doing that to them.

Also agree that IVF is far too uncertain a process to be mentioned publically. Most people don't announce non-IVF pregnancies before the 3-4 month mark, so why should you be made an exception? Becoming a step-mum doesn't mean waving the rights to normal privacy!

It is likely that the 20yr old is old enough to be thinking of their future housing needs, deposit on a flat etc from Dad. This may be being stoked by other older family members. A baby will be seen as a threat to any of that - tying up Dad's current income and future capital.

@TooMuchPaper

A 20 year old went through your stuff???? What did your dp say?

Exactly. She said she went into my en-suite to get some dry shampoo. Which I did not know she even knew I had any so she clearly has been in their before and my leaflets and injections were in a box on the floor and she's got to have gone through it and googled it as you wouldn't know what it was to look at it.

I was devastated however, she did apologise. But none of them accept it.. I think that is making me disconnect from my pregnancy. Sounds dramatic but I just can't cope living in a hostile household where me and the baby are resented x

They may not ever accept the baby but honestly they were never going to have a sibling relationship because of the age gaps. I would just focus on letting them know that you are still there for them. But frankly, you may feel very differently and less attached to them when your baby arrives. In some ways they are being more realistic than you are about the massive upheaval to the family dynamic that's about to occur. If you're feeling disconnected from your baby you could probably use a bit of therapy to talk it all through. It's a tough environment to be pregnant in.

@SeniorSchoolShuffle

They may not ever accept the baby but honestly they were never going to have a sibling relationship because of the age gaps. I would just focus on letting them know that you are still there for them. But frankly, you may feel very differently and less attached to them when your baby arrives. In some ways they are being more realistic than you are about the massive upheaval to the family dynamic that's about to occur. If you're feeling disconnected from your baby you could probably use a bit of therapy to talk it all through. It's a tough environment to be pregnant in.

No I know it's a massive upheal but I couldn't not have one. Before we got together properly I always said I wouldn't compromise and be without one. I care about how they feel but ultimately it's not a sacrifice I was willing to make. I shouldn't have to give that up to keep everyone else happy x

I think it's the potential cost of extended IVF treatment as much as anything else. Money fears are at the root of many problems with adult step-children. People will dress it up as 'not being so special to their Dad, not feeling as loved' etc. But I remember one very cynical person I knew and their definition of love:

"Love just means sticking your hand in your pocket!"

@Toughroadahead
I'm guessing (as it's Mumsnet, and the IVF) that you have had a very good job and a good income. If you've held the DSC close, they may have been led to believe (by DHs first family) that you will financially 'adopt' them. A baby of your own shatters that fantasy. When fantasies are shattered, anger remains.

For the love of god why are people always so quick to justify this behaviour. This is really bad behaviour and as a mum I would be having a stern word with all the children.

Infertility is a MF. You have nothing to apologise for. Your step children (12) x 2 plus adult step child (20 years old!!) are massively overacting because they would prefer to stop to trying. They need to learn that the world doesn't spin around them and certainly the ADULT one should know better. It's happening that's it.

Teenagers are likely to be grossed by parents have sex will come around so I would be more gentle here but I should if I was their DM deeply ashamed of this behaviour esp of 20 year old !!

Continue on with 0 shame or apology. You haven't done anything wrong

Op, this is probably going to be a very anxious next few months for all of you. From the little information that you have provided it sounds as though there have been some difficult or traumatic ongoing situations.

You and your partner might cont family counseling to help the younger teens deal with both the upheaval that they have experienced this past year and their feelings about the addition of a,new sibling into their current situation.

There is no need to announce your pregnancy at this stage. Many women wait to make it through the first trimester before announcing a pregnancy. Your happiness about this pregnancy should not be tied to their feelings about the pregnancy. Many 13 year olds are not excited about a new pregnancy and if this had been a particularly difficult year for them, it might be an understandable response .

A lot of their adjustment may depend upon their father's reactions and responses.. Professional help may give all of you a safe but helpful outlet for expressing and coming to terms with all of the changes that seem to be going on in your lives.

Time and guided help could be a positive thing for all of you.

I am so sorry the 20 year old has been violating your privacy like that. I would stop letting her be unattended in the house if she can't be trusted not to go sneaking.

As for the pregnancy I'd let DH deal with their reactions as he sees fit. You just focus on your child. As long as they aren't mean towards them then just carry on. So what if they don't want anything to do with your child, as long as DH explains this baby is an equal and will not be made uncomfortable in their home for simply existing then leave them to it. So what if they decide that means they don't want to stay anymore, DH can go and meet them outside the home. Your child is special to you and don't let DH go along with the ostracisation of an as yet unborn child. If he lets it happen in the home then leave him. He needs to protect this child.

Fuck sake, the eldest one is 20. They're a literal adult. Hell, they're even old enough to have a baby of their own. Going through your stuff is not on, even if they did apologise - it begs the question how often they've gone through your stuff before? Clearly they don't value you or your boundaries and, frankly, if they're that upset about the prospect of a baby then they can always move out since they're an adult.

Secondly, this hand wringing about you should've shared your IVF journey with the kids to 'prepare' them for a possible pregnancy. You are under no obligation to share your IVF and/or pregnancy choices with anybody whether they're you're stepchildren or not. In fact, you're under no obligation to share anything you do with your own body with them or anyone else. So they can sod off with that one.

Thirdly, congratulations on your pregnancy. Please don't allow their frankly awful behaviour to diminish the joy you have the right to feel after such a long journey to get here. Yes, they might have had a tough year but so have plenty of kids. I think you need to have a word with your partner as it's his job to step up and stop this vindictiveness (because that's what it is) in it's tracks.

Oh I missed the bit where you said they live with you. The 20 year old needs to move out then. She can't be trusted. If she was a housemate and snooped through another housemate's stuff they wouldn't be happy either. Some how she sees you as lesser a person than her and she's got to go.

@Harlequin1088

Fuck sake, the eldest one is 20. They're a literal adult. Hell, they're even old enough to have a baby of their own. Going through your stuff is not on, even if they did apologise - it begs the question how often they've gone through your stuff before? Clearly they don't value you or your boundaries and, frankly, if they're that upset about the prospect of a baby then they can always move out since they're an adult.

Secondly, this hand wringing about you should've shared your IVF journey with the kids to 'prepare' them for a possible pregnancy. You are under no obligation to share your IVF and/or pregnancy choices with anybody whether they're you're stepchildren or not. In fact, you're under no obligation to share anything you do with your own body with them or anyone else. So they can sod off with that one.

Thirdly, congratulations on your pregnancy. Please don't allow their frankly awful behaviour to diminish the joy you have the right to feel after such a long journey to get here. Yes, they might have had a tough year but so have plenty of kids. I think you need to have a word with your partner as it's his job to step up and stop this vindictiveness (because that's what it is) in it's tracks.

This all of this ^

I'm actually really angry on your behalf OP. I would be kicking off on a very basic level at DP.

Also as someone who had to deal with the fall out of SC being told the baby didn't make it (previous pregnancy, not my current one) you absolutely do not need to disclose your TTC or pregnancy. Many don't because of the fall out which btw even though SD wasn't trilled at the time. Nearly broke her. Awful to watch.

Luckily this time my DSD is excited but I wish it wasn't tinged in fear for her in the way it is now.

Why the hell is a 20 yr old rooting through your stuff for a start?