Dealing with rejection

[Toughroadahead]

Hi

I'm really struggling. I'm a step mum to 3 kids. They are all in their teens and live with us majority of the time
I'm currently 5 weeks pregnant after IVF. The eldest step kid went through my stuff and found it all and was really upset. However, does not know I'm pregnant yet.
We have now spoken to all of them and explained we want one. Well I've never seen such melt downs and they are all adamant that they won't accept it, speak to it and one is saying she leave to live with BM.
I am honestly gutted by this and it's making me struggle with the idea of being pregnant, like I can't be happy. How do we keep the peace and deal with this negative reaction?

Thank you

@candlelightsatdawn

This speaks to a element of entitlement this 20 year old has :

So when she was kicking off she was saying I've got to say something now before it's too late....

** I would be shutting this down so fast her head would spin and I would be saying to DH that if he wasn't on same page also to hop off too. I would be Uber strong on this point pregnant or not.

What 20 thinks they have the right to make reproductive choices for two other adults let alone of of her parents 🤣

I would be saying to her right your uncomfortable that's ok, if you need to go to dear mums that's ok but you know what's not ok, you thinking we will base out reproductive choices based on a 20s opinion as a) you have limited life experience and b) seem to be forgetting about bodily autonomy.

It's ok for her to feel what she's feeling. It's also ok for you to say ok bye 👋🏻

The softer the line you take with this (with the 20 year old) the more it will get worse.

You get to decide your safety levels op. This "adult" has shown she's not respectful of boundaries and your abs your DH choices. You don't owe her anything and you don't have to tell her about the pregnancy period.

I would step back and once both you and DH reach a point where your both happy to tell them your pregnant. You leave it to DH. You are vulnerable because of the IVF and because your pregnant, DH should be protecting you from his out of control monkeys. Period.

Ps I'm sending you all the best vibes re the pregnancy! Don't let this tank your view of pregnancy.

Thank you! You are totally right.

I suppose she isn't my worry. Ultimately, how she feels about me is how I feel about her no doubt. She's easy to avoid and ignore. As for the twins. It's not as easy they are a massive part of our lives and I want them to be happy as well! There is no magic wand I suppose!

Strangely my positive tests were in the cabinet she went in and she didn't see it

So she wasn't really routing around was she? She went in and spotted it and wondered what is was.

When I had IVF my then 18 year old dd hated it. said it was disgusting, the house would be a wreck/smell/that she wasn't babysitting. I actually posted about it on here and the response was ;that it was' big change for her and she was scared of being pushed out'

Yet it seems that because she is your step dd, the responses on here is to kick her out of her home. Quelle surprise.

You having IVF is not something she has a say on - But if you want her to behave as an adult you should have said that you have completed the treatment and her behaving the way she was was giving you added stress. Now your dh has kept another secret from her.

I dont know why you kept it a secret from her tbh. From any of them. IVF is a journey, it has many ups and down, its incredibly stressful. I dont know how any of them didn't spot the boxes and boxes/ and refrigerated stuff. This is your family and they should have been aware.

@Carrotte my eldest ids 25. I learned between the ages of 16 - 19 teenagers are excellent liars

This is your family and they should have been aware there's no "should have" about it.

[quote Evesgarden]@Carrotte my eldest ids 25. I learned between the ages of 16 - 19 teenagers are excellent liars[/quote]
Fair enough. I'm assuming OP is older than this. So 20 year old could have said hey I was snooping in your bedroom and saw injections, everything OK? And then OP could have lied or told her the truth.

For the record who discusses having a baby with anyone apart from their partner?! The 20 year old needs to get a life! When l was that age l was off living my own life and wasn’t absorbed in my parents / step parents lives. The 13 year old needs to get with the system, you can’t always control or dictate everything in your life

Congratulations! Don’t let them put a dampener on it. I’ve had IVF and it’s really tough!

@NorthSouthcatlady

For the record who discusses having a baby with anyone apart from their partner?! The 20 year old needs to get a life! When l was that age l was off living my own life and wasn’t absorbed in my parents / step parents lives. The 13 year old needs to get with the system, you can’t always control or dictate everything in your life

Congratulations! Don’t let them put a dampener on it. I’ve had IVF and it’s really tough!

Exactly. It's bizarre to think it needs to be discussed with the rest of the family.

My teenage daughter took the news of my pregnancy really badly, it was horrendous for a few months till she learnt to accept it.

When baby arrived she was besotted.

Looking back I think she was freaking out about the change to all our lives, being loved less, being pushed out etc none of which happened but she couldn’t see that until the baby arrived. I hope your step kids also grow to accept their new sibling.

It's bizarre to think it needs to be discussed with the rest of the family.

Absolutely this. In what world should OP have had to discuss this with anyone but her DH?

At no point did I think I should discuss with my teens our plans to conceive my younger ones, and it's nonsense to think anyone should have to!

Hold up @Evesgarden Yet it seems that because she is your step dd, the responses on here is to kick her out of her home. Quelle surprise.

Sigh stop twisting it - this situation is not, "ok your not happy about baby, get out and go live in a box on streets we don't want you anymore"

It's it's if your unbearably unhappy and you want to leave you have the freedom to do so.

There's a massive difference in the detail.
Leaving was brought up by SD. It is something she has the autonomy to do. Such as deciding a deciding to have a baby is the choice (hopefully) of two consenting adults. Being a step child doesn't mean you get to dictate what goes down in a house, I'm sorry.

If someone is disrespectful of my choices, I actively have the right to protect my privacy and mental well-being, their "right to know" does not trump my right to privacy and via versa especially at 20 years old.

Any child step or not has no right to any information, especially ones who think that they have the right to "stop a baby being created". If the year has been a good one, for all we know OP would have told the children, they didn't and I'm assuming it wasn't because they were "secret keeping" and for nefarious reasons.
It's telling that your mind immediately went to that space.

I didn't tell DSD about my pregnancy late in the day, some would fry me alive for that . The context to my story is she had to watch us put her half sibling in the ground and it broke her. Suddenly I don't seem like a awful step mum right ?

If you look to ways to interpret what every single OP has posted as bad, that's all you will ever see. And I'm fairly sick of seeing the same names do this over and over on this board. The lack of critical thinking is astonishing.

I would start looking internally to see why you can only ever see things one way because it says more about you than it does the OP

@Evesgarden

But because she is a step child its a huge fucking drama,

Ok so by your own account it's your own DSC you move on but if it's SC there's a different set of rules ? Tell me why since I you said further below - that all the children are treated equally in your house but clearly not.

mental health and well being is invoked/tell her to move out.

It's like your reading what you what you want to see. SD had the choice to move out if she feels that's what she needs to do to be happy. She's not a child. She's also not a only child (in which actually I would have more sympathy for her because that change is a big one) she has siblings, she's about to get another.

She's coped once before ect and if she's so damaged by the splitting up of her parents then her parents need to get her help for that issue. The issue isn't OP TTC

I am sick of seeing it on this site.
It's kinda like people don't have to read something they don't want to. I don't suppose someone had a gun to your head making you comment and read things on here if it's unpleasant for you.

Tbh I am in two minds if this is even true

I mean I wouldn't be extremely proud of this mentally to be honest. Two minds ? Weird weird thought process. You can't by the nature of things know the exact details of everything. It's the internet. It's a one way forum. And you not trusting things OPs say is also a pattern I have seen time and time again. As I said it says more about your thinking than it does the OP.

Your entitled to be proud of your view points. However having empathy for only one person and ignoring anyone who's a SP is a special type of bias.

As for the twins. It's not as easy they are a massive part of our lives and I want them to be happy as well! There is no magic wand I suppose!

Their reaction is common tbh. Pregnancy = parents having sex = ewww

They may come around in time when things settle down but it's for your h to work on this balance

Also OP I wouldn't use the elder as a bench mark for the younger ones.

Most kids of the twins age, are as people have said but grossed out by sex and parents having sex in general. Chances are they will come around but leave that to DH. Just be welcoming, honest and kind as normal. Don't enter into a debate because there's none to be had.

I suspect it's a bit of group mentality going down but if separated they might find their own voice and it maybe different to SD so I wouldn't assume they will blindly follow that lead. Especially at their age.

It will be ok. Promise 💐

@Evesgarden hahaha why am I not shocked, you had to responded with a insult instead of actually addressing what was put.

The fact you know I'm heavily pregnant also makes your comment slightly more ridiculous re have I had a drink 😂

Your previous comment was deleted because it was filled with double standards and personal attacks . All I did was pull out what you wrote in bold and address the points you raised, so maybe it was you who had a drink when previously posting ?

At 20 I expect her to be able to express her feelings in a better way. It's fine for her to feel weird or disappointed about it but she should be showing some level of maturity at her age. Is she at university or in employment? Housemates or employers wouldn’t expect this level of disrespect and shit stirring.

@Carrotte

At 20 I expect her to be able to express her feelings in a better way. It's fine for her to feel weird or disappointed about it but she should be showing some level of maturity at her age. Is she at university or in employment? Housemates or employers wouldn’t expect this level of disrespect and shit stirring.

She's at university but she is extremely young for her age. That's because they've always been babied. She is bothered about the age gap and how embarrassing it is for her that's all.

The other two however, clearly don't want to share their dad. Ultimately, i don't want to affect their relationship with him or with me. You can't explain to a child that it'll be ok or that we get to make choices in life that will make us happy.

Part of me wants to run a million miles away. Being a step mum is hard and I struggle to find it rewarding especially in times like this!

She is bothered about the age gap and how embarrassing it is for her that's all.

It's not really embarrassing though.

The younger ones are at a tricker age I guess as they are going through the growing up. I told my DSC it was ok if they didn't know how they felt about it and that seemed to help a lot, just acknowledging that they might find it tricky to get their heads around. Once little one was here it was hard on them as a Newborn just dominates the household so DH made sure to take them out just with him every weekend.

Good luck and enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can xx

Hi OP,

Congratulations! I have everything crossed for you.

Your eldest DSD sounds exactly like mine. She didn't come out of it despite our best efforts I'm afraid. I made peace with it eventually by accepting she was a product of her parents parenting, not mine, combined of course with her own character. I've always left the door open to her to be involved with her sibling. My DC is three now and it hasn't happened yet. Maybe some day, maybe never. I can't control other people.

However what we can all do is control ourselves. You need to throw a strict boundary around you and your pregnancy. It's happened! You are allowed to feel joyful, even if its secretly. Her dismay or (very misguided) belief that her permission was needed is her problem. You can explain to her as gently as possibly that it is not her place to decide but you can't control how she reacts.

In short, do your very best to make this easier for her but ultimately accept it's her decision how she responds to your news.

How does your boyfriend plan to rectify the trauma(social services) and useless parenting he’s inflicted on all these kids (one of whom is an adult)? The onus is on your boyfriend, as their parent, to parent them, he’s done a shit job so far, what plans has he made to do better by the new child?
I hope you have security-own home, job etc. and didn’t just move into this boyfriends house 1yr ago with zero legal protection?

(Obviously the woman had no business rifling through your stuff and they are all acting like dicks, but that’s because of your boyfriend, and he’s barely got a mention)

@NowEvenBetter actually your spot on here. The OPs partner is a problem here if he's enabling the 20 to think it's ok to behave this way.

Depends on if he's actively protecting or if there's external influences stirring the pot with the kids(family, ex wife etc). That said kids can be able to have these reactions completely on their own.

I'm generally a bit more sympathetic to the younger ones because in all likelihood they may come around and they are at the fun age of bodies changing, hormones ect

However it is down to DP to be kind to SC but protective of OP because IVF is gruelling. I wouldn't wish the process on anyone and this stuff shouldn't be at OPs door.

Amazon threw me a DVD suggestion - Mirai. Japanese anime fantasy about a 4yr old not wanting their new sibling. PG. On prime video. Might be useful.

"Nominated for Best Animated Feature Film at the 2019 Oscars, Mirai is the latest film directed by Mamoru Hosoda (The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, Summer Wars, The Boy and the Beast)

www.amazon.co.uk/Mirai-Rebecca-Hall/dp/B07SJV3DF4?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

The birth of a sibling is a joyous time for many, but not for Kun. Four years old and spoilt rotten, he sees the arrival of baby sister Mirai as competition for his parents' love. That is, until magical encounters with an older Mirai and family past, present and future send the siblings on an intimate journey through time and space, to confront Kun's uncertain feelings and prepare him to become the big brother he needs to be."

@lunar1

They aren't brats, or selfish. They are children who have been through a lot and are struggling to get their head around more changes.

All that will help is time and actually seeing for themselves that they won't be displaced.

One of them is 20 so hardly a child