Dealing with rejection

[Toughroadahead]

Hi

I'm really struggling. I'm a step mum to 3 kids. They are all in their teens and live with us majority of the time
I'm currently 5 weeks pregnant after IVF. The eldest step kid went through my stuff and found it all and was really upset. However, does not know I'm pregnant yet.
We have now spoken to all of them and explained we want one. Well I've never seen such melt downs and they are all adamant that they won't accept it, speak to it and one is saying she leave to live with BM.
I am honestly gutted by this and it's making me struggle with the idea of being pregnant, like I can't be happy. How do we keep the peace and deal with this negative reaction?

Thank you

One of them is 20 so hardly a child

True but does trauma suffered as a child suddenly dissappear when you turn 18?
The OP herself states the stepchildren have had a very difficult time recently.

Sometimes, A perfectly wonderful event for 1 person may happen concurrently with an ongoing traumatic experience in another family member or partner's life. Neither event was intended or planned to rain on the parade of the other. Life just happens that way sometimes.

My college roommate's father died the night before her wedding. What was meant to be one of the happiest events in her life was instead impacted by what was one of the saddest events in her life. Her siblings were divided about whether she should go ahead with the wedding. Her mom was in shock and totally incapitated. The groom's siblings had traveled great distances at great expense and would not be able to afford a second trip at a later date. This was not the way that may friend expected to celebrate the day that she had spent months planning; nor was she prepared or her siblings prepared for the intensely different feelings that they had about moving forward. None of them were right or wrong and they were all acting with the feelings and emotions that they were experiencing related to the events.

The OP has a right to feel joy about her conception. It is also possible that the 20 year old feels that her father was taking part in the planning of a change that might be coming at the worst possible time in the lives of his younger children. We do not know what the trauma or pain was that these children experienced this past year. We have no idea how they have been helped to deal with whatever happened. Perhaps, the 20 year old who has been a participant/observer/perhaps victim to whatever happened may feel that their father's timing to make this change may be insensitive to the needs of his younger children.

It is quite possible for something to be a positive for one person and have a totally different impact on the life of another.

None of this excuses the manner in which the 20 year old made the disclosure, but it is within the realm of possibility that she was acting out of love and interest for her siblings and their emotional play at the moment.

Not all pain is caused by a desire to hurt or harm someone else. Sometimes one person's joy leads to pain for another with no negative intent by anyone.

Life just happens that way sometimes. Hopefully, this family will find a way to work through all of this. But solution are not likely to come from anger and polarizing positions. All of these people are hurting , and who is to say that anyone's pain is more or less valid in this situation.

@NeedsCharging

One of them is 20 so hardly a child

True but does trauma suffered as a child suddenly dissappear when you turn 18?
The OP herself states the stepchildren have had a very difficult time recently.

I agree trauma doesn’t disappear but at some point you need to take responsibility and realise toxic behaviour isn’t appropriate as an adult.

We can forgive a child having these type of reactions because they don’t know any better, but a 20 year old adult who works and is capable out in the real world should know how to control themselves and work through their anger appropriately. Throwing tantrums and going through people’s belongings at 20 years old just isn’t acceptable.

And also, she isn’t trapped there. She works, presumably she could move out to a house or flat share if she disagrees with her father’s choice of partner.

I'm another who would tear that 20 year old a new one! And before anyone jumps on me I have a 24 & 19 year old so I know what is decent and age appropriate behaviour for someone or her age & this is NOT it. Even my 15 year old wouldn't go into my en-suite without asking.
I agree with the pp who said this is most likely an entitled 20 year old with 'future' concerns who has now thrown her toys out of the pram & has totally & unnecessarily upset her younger siblings.
Your dp should be reading her the riot act on her behaviour!
@Toughroadahead you need to focus on you & your baby & step out of this drama. Where is your dp in all this? HE should be dealing with this & protecting you from the stress of this.

Congratulations OP on your pregnancy, yes you should be happy and enjoy this time, especially since it was hard for you to get here.

The twins are reacting normally. I read some of the replies, and it made me feel like we're all pilling on a 20yo. Yes of course her attitude should not be acceptable, but something tells me there is a reason for it.

I would recommend that you and your DH, ask for help on how to deal with this situation from a specialist (maybe a child psychologist or a family therapist?)

@Magda72

I'm another who would tear that 20 year old a new one! And before anyone jumps on me I have a 24 & 19 year old so I know what is decent and age appropriate behaviour for someone or her age & this is NOT it. Even my 15 year old wouldn't go into my en-suite without asking. I agree with the pp who said this is most likely an entitled 20 year old with 'future' concerns who has now thrown her toys out of the pram & has totally & unnecessarily upset her younger siblings. Your dp should be reading her the riot act on her behaviour! *@Toughroadahead* you need to focus on you & your baby & step out of this drama. Where is your dp in all this? HE should be dealing with this & protecting you from the stress of this.

I think it's hard to accept that sometimes people just don't get on. I have tried and tried and I can't imagine the rest of my life dealing with this situation. I deserve more. I suppose she didn't ask for me to be in her life either

As for the twins they are coming round to the idea but it's slow. It's better than not at all.

I think there is a massive part of me that now resents the situation. I've dealt with enough shit in my life to have to deal with this as well. I just want to be happy. I've given them a nice life, big house, days out. I can't do it anymore without a child for myself.

My Partner is gutted too. Thing is he did sort his eldest out on one hand but on the other he has no idea how to parent. His eldest is all we argue about because I've told him how to address the situation and he doesn't. Instead when this all kicked off and she did what she did she asked for tenner and he gave her. I instantly was so upset to me that's rewarding outreagous behaviour and it's all because he is scared of her and wants to be loved. Over compensates for the divorce and feels bad that he wants another baby I assume. We will always argue about it and he does challenge her but ultimately he's spoilt her for years

I deal with enough as it is being a step parent. I don't need This shit too. Why can't us step mothers be given a break? I can't see how this baby will fit into our lives at the moment. It's hard to picture the happy ending.

@Toughroadahead You deserve happiness, my dear. It sounds to me like you have given and given so that your stepchildren can have a nice life and a secure home and they have taken and taken and now that you want just one thing for yourself (i.e. a child), all hell has broken loose. You don't deserve this at all and - you're right - stepmothers get lumped into the "awful human being" category the minute we stop being the family doormat. Your stepchildren sound spoiled and selfish and unfortunately most of that can laid firmly at your partner's door as he appears to have enabled this shit for years.

As a fellow pregnant stepmom, I urge you to start enjoying your pregnancy and marvel at the beautiful little life growing inside you. You will never get this time back and if, like me, you're conscious that this may be your only child, then you'll one day look back and bitterly regret spending this magical time fretting about the vile behaviour of your stepchildren.

Sending you lots of love and, remember, self care isn't selfish. Nobody has the right to think less of you for prioritising the health and well-being of you and your baby

@Toughroadahead this situation sounds really horrific. Disney dad on steroids.

I think it's important to mindful that at the best of time pregnancy can really really mess with your mental health - let alone pregnancy after IVF.

I think what I would do (in v practical times) is think ok babies are hard especially in the first year. See what happens in the first year of baby and see if things improve and really watch the situation. Make assessment when your heads not addled from hormones and everyone has calmed down.

That said I want you to remember you are not trapped, if In few months you go nope not for me my MH can't take this, remember you get to step out. Your not the devil incarnate for needing to step away.

I'm hoping some of our lovely posters will share with you when they stepped away from similar circumstances and thrived (sassbot your name came to my mind when I said that)to show you it's not you but the situation making you feel this way.

Keep talking ! We are here x

@Toughroadahead if you are going to make this through without it having this impact on your life, you are going to have to firstly detach and secondly work on acceptance. In the nicest possible way, give your head a firm wobble.

1. The 20 year old
   She is not your problem, per your last post, this is the monster (and I don’t say that lightly) whom your DH has created. This dynamic predates you, he has given her this amount of entitlement and power. Whether she comes round or not is not your issue. You’ve given this 20 year old a lot of power in your life, take it back.

2. Acceptance. You say you deserve more. Well the blunt reality is that not one of us on here can change the dynamics we have/ had with partners/ ex partners/ SDC. I dare say we all think/ thought we deserve more but that’s not how life works. We cannot control another persons / actions reactions. All we can control is ourselves. How we react to others/ situations.
   You clearly already have a lot. A partner who loves you and you’re pregnant! Why isn’t that enough?
   You can choose to sit there and focus on what you don’t have (the 20 year olds glowing support) or you can focus on what you do have and double down on that.

I’m saying the above (and it’s meant kindly) because I’m worried that you have given so much power and sway to these children. They don’t deserve it. And I’m worried that in focussing so much on them, you’re losing sight of you. Your happiness, your needs and your pregnancy. Don’t do that, if they can’t meet your needs, withdraw and focus on yourself.

Step back! Let your DH handle them! And tell him (in no uncertain terms) that you need his support and you are a priority. Insulate yourself from them, their negativity.

Listen, he’s the parent and he actively chose this IVF journey with you. No matter what his darling 20 YO may think, he wasn’t coerced into this. And if HIS DC have an issue with it, it’s for him to explain. Not you.

@candlelightsatdawn thank you, I’m flattered that you think that way of me. I am thriving and exceptionally happy without my dickhead ex constantly having a go at me over one thing or another. But I didn’t have an ‘our’ baby. If I did, I would probably still be with him trying to make it work? Why? Because I would have been damned if I allowed SDC, a vindictive exw and a man of limited intelligence to break up my family.

Would I have cared if his children weren’t happy? Not one bit. Would I have cared how OTT he would have inevitably become over his DC. No. The only way I would have survived the inevitable s* storm is to detach and wrap my DC and I in bubble wrap insulating my world from his BS.
And instead surrounding myself with happiness and positivity from those around me who were happy.

Make no qualms about it though. If my home became an unhealthy environment because of said children. Then I would very much look at a living situation whereby that was not my day in day out. Medium to longer term, I couldn’t live like that. But I wouldn’t be making any decisions now.

OP. I’m furious on your behalf. This 20 YO is a a piece of work.

Sounds awful, you say ‘partner’, do you not have the legal protections of marriage? Who owns the big house?
Has he done parenting courses or literally anything at all to make sure he parents his new child?
None of this sounds in any way enjoyable, or life enhancing, are you sure this bloke is all you want?

@sassbott sound advice as always sassbot ! Thank you I knew you would word things better than I can and have some helpful advice. Also again gonna say it your ex is a 🛎 end. Never get tired of saying that phase.

O0 A friend was in similar situation to you but wasn't DSC but partner's family kicking off during pregnancy. The advice I will give you is similar to what I said to her. Don't make any decisions now because right now your vulnerable but also getting valuable information on DP and the future and babies in their first years are hard. It's a complete change of dynamics for you as a person. Financially and otherwise. Take the emotions out of it and look practically at the road ahead. What do you need, what might you need and what moves will help you keep DC and you to protect yourself.

Detach and watch but don't engage as much as you can and as sassbot set to insulate yourself. How DP deals with this is critical to how long term or short term your plan needs to be with if you stay or go.
Realistically the SC are red herrings, you and your baby are the ones you need to prioritise mentally for yourself.

Remember people don't have to know what goes on inside your brain. You can make goals and plans without telling a soul if you wish.