Dealing with rejection

[Toughroadahead]

Hi

I'm really struggling. I'm a step mum to 3 kids. They are all in their teens and live with us majority of the time
I'm currently 5 weeks pregnant after IVF. The eldest step kid went through my stuff and found it all and was really upset. However, does not know I'm pregnant yet.
We have now spoken to all of them and explained we want one. Well I've never seen such melt downs and they are all adamant that they won't accept it, speak to it and one is saying she leave to live with BM.
I am honestly gutted by this and it's making me struggle with the idea of being pregnant, like I can't be happy. How do we keep the peace and deal with this negative reaction?

Thank you

@Toughroadahead what an awful situation for you!

Firstly, congrats on your pregnancy.
Secondly, my overall advice is to step back and detach from all the drama. Your number priority right now is your health and well-being. IVF is a gruelling process to go through and you will still be super emotional. You still have the pregnancy ahead of you. This period should be as calm and stress free as possible (it should be a deeply happy time). Shield yourself from things that take away from that.

Re the behaviour of the SC?

I’m appalled at the behaviour of the 20 year old. An adult in their own right, what makes them think they have the right to
A) Invade someone’s privacy so blatantly
B) I assume this 20 YO has then chosen to tell the 13 year olds and create this drama?
If this was my child, I would tear them a new one. I’d be appalled by the complete lack of boundaries and disrespect.

I also agree with @Tattler2 re the counselling. But for you. Your sentences of it will break me if they turned against me or OH. And the comment of its making you detach from your pregnancy. Detach from them / the drama, not the pregnancy.
Also, I would hope you aim to get to a better place whereby their actions don’t break you. Honestly? Don’t give them this much power.

If your DH/ his children start therapy separately at first, that may not be a bad thing. He needs to shield you from them and their negativity. He’s their parent and he made this commitment with you, it was for him to think through/ handle the ramifications to his children.

It’s your job to look after yourself. Congrats once again.

The 13 year old twins’ behaviour is understandable. The 20 year old’s behaviour in going through your stuff and telling their siblings is totally unacceptable. They are an adult.

I will reiterate. I find the 20 year olds behaviour appalling. If another adult rooted through my private things and then told people about it? They wouldn’t step foot back in my home.

No apology would make it better. This isn’t the first time this person has done this. It’s a complete lack of boundaries and intense sense of entitlement. They don’t like it? Well then move the fuck out, pay your own bills and don’t let the door handle hit you on the way out.

Awful behaviour.

I feel awful on your behalf, OP. Your adult SD is absolutely old enough to know not only snooping is wrong but also her reaction. The words 'grow up' spring to mind.

As for the twins.. I do understand their angst to a certain extent but their reaction is overkill. A stern conversation needs to be had imo.

It sounds more like the 20 year old went in to look for the OPs dry shampoo and in the process of rooting around stumbled on fhe IVF stuff. It's certainly not something I throw my own child or any of my stepkids out of the house for. It's hardly crime of the century. If his kids don't see much of their mother there's a huge backstory in here and it won't be a nice one for the kids. It sounds like the only stability they have is their dad and now that's threatened. It's not a huge surprise they are upset.

The OP says very little about her DH but hopefully he's able to support her. He's going to be spread very thin and it isn't going to be ideal for anyone but hopefully it can be enough. More fool him really. What was he thinking here?

It sounds like the only stability they have is their dad and now that's threatened.

How is that stability threatened by OP having IVF? I'm assuming that as siblings this isn't a new concept of a only child trying to wrap their hand around things (which I think is harder)

Why also the assumption resources are suddenly going to be lacking ?

20year wouldn't have know what IVF stuff was, so would have had to have snooped and gone that extra mile to research on internet. I wouldn't be happy my DD doing this, such as I'm sure she wouldn't be happy me invading her space either.

They sound as though they have some deep seated inaccuracies. That's understandable with step families. They have been through lots of changes in their young lives. A turn of events such as a pregnancy could signal more changes. In a strange way it's a huge compliment as they like things with you as they are and don't want to risk their happiness.

I'd word it differently to them all. Say you love them so much you want to be linked to them by blood. That giving birth to their brother or sister will be more affirmation that you are a stable loving family.

Your baby will be their sibling and it will mean you are linked to them forever.

I think they will come around. I'd say don't underestimate the trauma of divorce on the security of children. Even the 20 year old. They will all have deep seated insecurities around things changing and then not being quite as welcome. Many women are the main homemakers and maybe they feel this might change with a new baby. Yes it will but not in bad ways for them.

It's the reassurance they need. When they kick off and push back they need even further reassurance nothing will change for the worse. They are likely to test this out of fear more than rudeness.

Expect a rocky few months whilst they adjust. You and your husband must be a united front.

I practice trauma informed parenting.

@SeniorSchoolShuffle no. IVF stuff does not ‘I’m ivf’ written all over it. When my friend showed me her IVF stuff, I wouldn’t have had a clue what it was. The op has also clearly stated she would have had to Google to find out what it was.
The 20 year old then shared the information.

Stop minimising really invasive behaviour. It’s unacceptable. I have friends of 20+ years and I wouldn’t dream of going through their things in their bathrooms.

It sounds more like the 20 year old went in to look for the OPs dry shampoo and in the process of rooting around stumbled on fhe IVF stuff.

No one should be 'rooting around' in someone else's private bathroom anyway! Not without asking first ffs! And to then share the news with the twins when it wasn't her news to share, that's off in a big way. Stop minimising.

It sounds more like the 20 year old went in to look for the OPs dry shampoo and in the process of rooting around stumbled on fhe IVF stuff.

It may be sheer entitlement, but I'd be more inclined to think that older relatives are stoking fears and suggesting to her that she pokes around for more information. Especially if OP is late 30s, early 40s - someone in DHs first family is actively looking out for signs of pregnancy.

This all smells like an orchestrated riot, to me.

The eldest is TWENTY. Then let her go to her birth mother. She is old enough to show some respect, not be so entitled and to recognise that you and your dh are entitled to your life. You don't exist just to provide for her. She needs to grow up.

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange

It sounds more like the 20 year old went in to look for the OPs dry shampoo and in the process of rooting around stumbled on fhe IVF stuff.

No one should be 'rooting around' in someone else's private bathroom anyway! Not without asking first ffs! And to then share the news with the twins when it wasn't her news to share, that's off in a big way. Stop minimising.

Agreed. And then they googled it and then decided to stir the pot. This is a 20 year old not a teenager.

I would be furious with the 20-year-old for going through your things, googling it all and then making accusations and judgements.

Is she really saying that you shouldn't have children because you have her and her siblings? She's old enough to know better than that.

Do you have anywhere to go and stay for a few days to have a break? It might make them realise seriousness of what they're doing.

Is she really saying that you shouldn't have children because you have her and her siblings? She's old enough to know better than that.

This.

I can't believe some posters are downplaying the fact this is an ADULT SD.

@sassbott I just have a different opinion than you - I'm not bloody minimising. She's not clubbed a baby seal. She's used some dry shampoo and found something unexpected then googled. Meh. It's just not invasive to me. It certainly wouldn't be something I'd be massively upset at my DSC or DC for doing.

She did not go through OPS stuff - what bloody melodrama.

She went into a bathroom and saw the injections and box on the side. That is completely different to opening bags and rifling through stuff. She of course googled it - who on here would not.
She apologised - end of.

Should you and their father have possibly sat down and told them you were going to try for a baby - then yes. This scenario was not going to end well.

The 20 yr old needs to grow up and can virtually guarantee she will love the sibling when it arrives.

the twins 13 - really difficult age. MY 13 yr old is one minute talking abut sex like he is a pro and the next minute so embarrassed it is funny. The thought that I or his DF have sex is embarrassment beyond belief. A pregnancy is not going to be able to be hidden from their friends and in your face evidence to hormonal teenagers that Dad is shagging. They will get used to - just give them time and space to accept.

Just think a little bit more forethought particularly with the younger two would have helped the situation - slight lack of awareness of what a teens emotional needs might be -especially if they have been through a hard time this last year. The 20 yr old - meh to be honest.

Congratulations OP - hope the pregnancy goes well and they will come round - just don't make a drama out of it. They know now and let the dust settle.

The eldest step kid went through my stuff

OPs words.

No one should be going into OPs private en suite and looking through her stuff! OP is absolutely allowed privacy in her own home and 100% doesn't have to discuss her IVF with step kids ffs!

Since when are kids (biological or otherwise) allowed to have a say in whether they get a sibling or not??

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange?
Children expressing the feelings about having a sibling. Is not the same as having a say in whether they will have a sibling. The fact that the do not have positive feelings about the possibility of yet another child in no way determines or impacts what is already a fait accompli.
It is quite possible that given the fact that their father has 3 children of somewhat advanced ages and perhaps because he may never have expresed. In their presence a desire or need to have another child that this may not have been anything that they had a reason to anticipate. Add this new bit of news to an already traumatic year and the response is not particularly surprising.

A productive approach to handling this might be professional help rather than anger and criticism.

Today's 20 yr olds seem ridiculously young and sheltered to me, so teenage like strops are part and parcel of the climate. It was not a nice thing she did, and this needs to be firmly pointed out, but I'd be digging deeper into what was behind the poking around.

People who poke around in your stuff are either nosey beggars who like to gossip, or are deeply insecure and afraid to ask the questions that might make them feel better. I'd go with the latter scenario, and try to gently allay the insecurity. Not easy, and a long-term project. Doing this with one of ours (in their 30s!)

She went into a bathroom and saw the injections and box on the side. not her bathroom. And no I wouldn't Google it.

Help the 20 year old to pack and get out.

And part of me doubts she really wanted the dry shampoo

Children expressing the feelings about having a sibling. Is not the same as having a say in whether they will have a sibling

One of these 'children' is a grown woman. And it's fine to express feelings AFTER the parents have announced the pregnancy. It wasn't the place of the 20 year old ADULT step daughter to share her dad and step mums news.

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange

Children expressing the feelings about having a sibling. Is not the same as having a say in whether they will have a sibling

One of these 'children' is a grown woman. And it's fine to express feelings AFTER the parents have announced the pregnancy. It wasn't the place of the 20 year old ADULT step daughter to share her dad and step mums news.

I know. That's the thing. She has no right to go in my bathroom/bedroom. I don't go through her stuff but she has no respect. She was saying so really nasty things and said her dad knew how much she didn't want one. She is extremely spoilt and immature and still calls him daddy. On our moving house day she couldn't possibly get to work on the bus so he ensured she had lifts to and from despite us being stressed out. To be honest all of the above comments are right. All three kids have been babied. Until we lived together I didn't realise that the twins who were 12 at the time had never made themselves even just cereal for breakfast.

I've had a massive battle on my hands to provide independence.
I'm really upset now though, I feel like I'm fighting a battle that I'll never win or never be happy in. It's hard to be excited about a baby now after that reaction. Part of me wishes I could just sell up and move out because I'm reaching my point of tolerance

I've done a lot for them. I've provided them a home, fun, security and love and I feel like what else can I do.

I get the reaction was as a result of a shock but it's gonna be me they blame isn't it. It's me they'll resent and it's hard to feel comfortable in that environment.

Problem is daddy needs to be tougher and tell them it's happening whilst providing reassurance however, they do all the emotional blackmail they've learnt from their mum.