Dealing with rejection

[Toughroadahead]

Hi

I'm really struggling. I'm a step mum to 3 kids. They are all in their teens and live with us majority of the time
I'm currently 5 weeks pregnant after IVF. The eldest step kid went through my stuff and found it all and was really upset. However, does not know I'm pregnant yet.
We have now spoken to all of them and explained we want one. Well I've never seen such melt downs and they are all adamant that they won't accept it, speak to it and one is saying she leave to live with BM.
I am honestly gutted by this and it's making me struggle with the idea of being pregnant, like I can't be happy. How do we keep the peace and deal with this negative reaction?

Thank you

@Toughroadahead it's usually less SC issue (although they have been terrible unkind and ones not a child) and more DP issue.

Sounds like Disney dadding to me. Look up nacho parenting, leave DH to reap the oats he's sowed.

You need some space to breath and DH should be protecting that space. Time to have serious word with DH and with yourself.

Yes your a SM but your entitled to take up space and entitlement not to not have to take on drudgery of parenting SC (regardless of what some posters will say).

I will say all of this now very well might change as pp mentioned their reaction now is no indication of how they will be later on.

My half sister hated me in utero and swore blind she would hate me forever due to Dm antics. She's one of my best pals now ! She bregrudingly has suggested because it's hard to hate a baby that smiles everytime they see you. She still frowns now when I grin at her lol 😂 reflex xx

You're not alone.

Ever since we found out we are due a baby girl in the spring my Step Daughter 12 has made it clear she's not happy as she won't be "daddy's only daughter" anymore.

🙄🙄

I have two GIRLS from a previous marriage and they aren't bothered about being the same gender or bothered there's another girl on the way...

Can't deal. Lost our last baby and just want to be happy. 😔

Hopefully it's just natural sibling feelings and it will pass. Good luck OP! X

On our moving house day she couldn't possibly get to work on the bus so he ensured she had lifts to and from despite us being stressed out.

Well, Covid, I guess. On the plus side, she has a job. Something to be encouraged, as it will be that that moves her on and out. It is vastly annoying when so much is expected of you, in responsibility terms, and so little of the children. It needs spelling out to DH that he is doing his daughter no favours, longterm, by making life too easy for her.

@Champersandchocolate

You're not alone.

Ever since we found out we are due a baby girl in the spring my Step Daughter 12 has made it clear she's not happy as she won't be "daddy's only daughter" anymore.

🙄🙄

I have two GIRLS from a previous marriage and they aren't bothered about being the same gender or bothered there's another girl on the way...

Can't deal. Lost our last baby and just want to be happy. 😔

Hopefully it's just natural sibling feelings and it will pass. Good luck OP! X

I don't want a girl now for that reason. Because it's more drama than it's worth.

Has she calmed down about it at all as time has gone on? What was her initial reaction like?

What does your DP say about this @Toughroadahead? And have you discussed parenting styles etc given that his DC are quite "babied"?

Also, is their DM in the picture and would she be supportive of you? The DC might listen to her.

@SnoopsCaliforniaRoll

What does your DP say about this *@Toughroadahead*? And have you discussed parenting styles etc given that his DC are quite "babied"?

Also, is their DM in the picture and would she be supportive of you? The DC might listen to her.

Yeh we have. It's been a hot topic. I will not stand for pandering.

Is DM their mother? If so yeh she is. Social services were heavily involved but they've closed the case now so she has them quite a lot. However, we don't get on and we have no contact. My partner also has no contact with her because of what she did so it goes through his ex mother in law.

The only way they'll deal with it is when it's here I suppose. Until then July is a long way off x

@Toughroadahead

Yep. As soon as the sonographer said girl I was initially delighted as I love being a girl Mum. But then it hit me that Step daughter wouldn't be happy.

At first step daughter didn't react, she didn't say anything, she didn't smile, it was drowned out by my kids being happy in the moment.

Her dad then went to reassure her that everything is going to be ok.
DP reminds her that there is a 12 year age gap and the baby is "just a baby, gender doesn't matter."

I think she is in denial as whenever I buy something or the baby comes up she goes "I bet they've got it wrong" "they could still have it wrong" "might be a boy..."

Getting annoying to hear. I have a growth scan in a couple of weeks and it's gave me anxiety to want to ask for the gender again - even though that's not what I'm bothered about, just want the baby to be healthy!

Hope your situation gets better.

To be fair I think a lot of dc would hit the roof at the thought of their parents having a baby! I know I would have been a mixture of horrified and mortified.
Give them time OP. You said they have had a very difficult year, and it's not as if the baby will be born next week - they have plenty of time to get used to it. Congrats BTW!

^meant to say a lot of dcat that age

If the eldest is 20, is there an age gap between DH and you? No teenager wants to think of their parents having an active sex life and doing things 'younger' people do.

Do they actually know you are pregnant or just that you have been trying? Because there is a huge difference. If they think they can change your mind, they will try to change it. If they know baby is actually a done deal then their behaviour might be very different.

OP, they will only blame you if their father presents this as something that he felt pressured into agreeing to, and it would be difficult to imagine that they could respect a father who allowed himself to be pressured into having a child.

What exactly do you think that they will blame you for doing? Obviously, you did not hold a gun to their father's head and force him to provide his sperm.

It is much more likely that they just never expected their father to need or necessarily want another child. It is not often that you hear a parent of 3 saying that he or she really wants to have another child. It is probably the element of surprise and the unexpected nature of the situation that is informing their initial reaction.

It is also likely the the nature of the conception makes it a slightly different situation for them. Not many 13 year olds are very conversant with IVF as a process, and this may add an extra dimension of confusion for them.

A pregnancy is something that should bring joy to the expectant parents. Beyond that, everyone else's joy is only frosting on the cake .

Time and perhaps professional help may bring these children to a better place, but you cannot control how anyone ,particularly damaged children, will respond to a situation that they perceive as possibly having a detrimental impact on their lives.

You are in control of your own feelings and happiness, but you cannot dictate or control their feelings.

Step back and enjoy your pregnancy. Stop equating your ability to enjoy your pregnancy with their feelings about the pregnancy. It was never your intention to seek their approval to have s child. You have succeeded in doing that which you wanted to do, and they in turn will have to make their peace with your decision. Perhaps, that may mean moving back in with their mom, and like you, they too have to do that which they think best for them.

You all have many months to navigate all of this.

I've just read your updates OP. Once again, the OP has a man problem because the issue has actually been created by Disney dad. Just be ready for doing all of the parenting when the baby arrives.

Honestly, more children of divorce are ruined by overcompensating Disney mums/dads than treating them as children who have not had such an experience.

Your step kids should have never been given a say on what happens next, in fact, I am shocked your partner is tolerating such horrible comments and behaviour.

I’m sure that being the woman in the home where these children live, you do quite a lot of stuff for them their own mother doesn’t do, if they don’t like you are pregnant they need to come to terms with it and yes, if that means they will go to live with their mother while they come to terms with it, so be it.

And wtf was your adult stepdaughter doing checking your personal stuff? Disgraceful behaviour, divorced parents or not.

@Champersandchocolate if it helps and I'm not sure it does, DSD wanted only a girl I think she didn't like the thought of dad having a boy and doing all the boy things with him.

Now we told her it's a boy and after a bit of moodiness, stropping and general gripping . She's now proclaiming she wanted a boy all along because she says she has my DD (and the cats that are both girls) and it's only fair dad have a boy to even things out.

She's a contrary little thing and the best thing you can do is to not make a big deal about it or make it into a joke (well if you don't like the gender it's all your dads fault I'm just the oven ect said in light hearted way) I know your POV it's stressful because it was for us DSD was adamant girl or don't bring it home. But You may find when she comes around to the idea the gender thing becomes non and void.

Also congratulations 🎉

It is probably the element of surprise and the unexpected nature of the situation that is informing their initial reaction.

All of which is entirely the fault of their adult sister who went through her step mothers things in her private bathroom!

Had OP and her DH had chance to announce things properly then - whilst they might not have been thrilled - it would've been presented as being a done deal whereas now they're throwing a fit over something they think might not happen, when in actual fact it already has.

I have adult step DC and would struggle to trust them again if they'd done this. As an adult the DSD could've gone to her dad and OP and spoken to them like an adult instead of causing all this drama by telling her teenage siblings.

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange
It does not matter now who was at fault in the way that they found out. That ship has sailed.

The OP can only manage the situation as it exists now. Blaming changes nothing. OP and her husband are in char of the messaging as it goes forward..

Ten million people could agree that the 20 year old should not have shared this information, but how does that consensus move this situation one step forward?

I assume that the OP is looking for ways to move forward. The information that they are attempting IVF in an effort to get pregnant is old news at this point. The OP and her husband are not choosing ( as is their right) to share the more current information.

What exactly does the OP want to happen now , and how can she get help in making that happen should be the focus at this point. Wishing and hoping won't make things better.

With help they may be able to better manage this situation. Without some assistance, the relationship between the father and his existing children may be further fractured or damaged. There will not be many winners in this situation.

I was coming on to say you were very unreasonable and need to be supportive of the children - then you said the one rifling through your belongings and tantrumming is TWENTY! Twenty years old and ‘threatening’ to move back to their mum - meet their threat and say if they want to move out of course they can.

I thought you were going to say it was a child of about 9. Honestly. A working adult going through her stepmum’s belongings and demanding lifts because they can’t get the bus.

Usually I’m very sympathetic in these situations as for a child to hear their parent is having another baby with someone else is difficult. But in this case I think I’d be just meeting them with ‘well if you want to move out then you can. Don’t go through my belongings again.’

@Tattler2 that's all well and good, but OP is also facing the fact that another adult in her home is riffling through her things, throwing a tantrum and threatening to go back to living with her mum. At this point I'd be telling her to do just that. This isn't a child OP is dealing with, it's an adult!

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange
I agree the OP has every right to say that she wants the 20 year old to leave particularly as it seems that the OP contributes to the financial upkeep of the house.

Putting the 20 year old out of the house will not put the genie back in the bottle and it may exacerbate the situation with OP's partner and the other children.

Again, what is the solution that the OP is looking to find? Recognizing that the actions of the 20 year were inappropriate still only moves you to the what now moment?

[quote Tattler2]@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange
I agree the OP has every right to say that she wants the 20 year old to leave particularly as it seems that the OP contributes to the financial upkeep of the house.

Putting the 20 year old out of the house will not put the genie back in the bottle and it may exacerbate the situation with OP's partner and the other children.

Again, what is the solution that the OP is looking to find? Recognizing that the actions of the 20 year were inappropriate still only moves you to the what now moment?[/quote]
I suppose i was looking for reassurance that it could be normal, that I'm not being super sensitive or a bitch and for advice on how to deal with it whilst looking after my heart and mind too.
It's not an easy path to be on and I just wish I could catch a break sometimes x

OP, I'm surprised she didn't spot it in the fridge to be honest as I've had IVF twice.

The trigger shot has to be refrigerated.

If this is true - I can completely understand some one googling the shit out of all the injections, vials, suppositories, sharps bin. Because there is a lot. Its not a small little box, we are talking boxes and boxes of stuff.

I googled my dds tanning injections - people are curious.

@Evesgarden

OP, I'm surprised she didn't spot it in the fridge to be honest as I've had IVF twice.

The trigger shot has to be refrigerated.

If this is true - I can completely understand some one googling the shit out of all the injections, vials, suppositories, sharps bin. Because there is a lot. Its not a small little box, we are talking boxes and boxes of stuff.

I googled my dds tanning injections - people are curious.

We've done the treatment so there was only a few pessaries then a few fermydel left in the box. Strangely my positive tests were in the cabinet she went in and she didn't see it So when she was kicking off she was saying I've got to say something now before it's too late.... I didn't stop her and tell her because I had no opportunity too plus it's too early to know if the baby is ok. X

I'm a mum of a 20 year old son and if I announced that I was pregnant today his initial reaction would be shock and quite muted but he'd come round to it. Young people are supposed to be impulsive and adventurous but they can be strangely conservative sometimes.

Let the 20 yo go to her mum's and remember that this has happened because your partner is a Disney Dad and you need to make sure he isn't like that with your child too. Ime Disney Dads end up treating the younger child very differently in an attempt to demonstrate to the older ones that they are still important to him

@Evesgarden

OP, I'm surprised she didn't spot it in the fridge to be honest as I've had IVF twice.

The trigger shot has to be refrigerated.

If this is true - I can completely understand some one googling the shit out of all the injections, vials, suppositories, sharps bin. Because there is a lot. Its not a small little box, we are talking boxes and boxes of stuff.

I googled my dds tanning injections - people are curious.

That's so nosey. I'd just ask.

This speaks to a element of entitlement this 20 year old has :

So when she was kicking off she was saying I've got to say something now before it's too late....

** I would be shutting this down so fast her head would spin and I would be saying to DH that if he wasn't on same page also to hop off too. I would be Uber strong on this point pregnant or not.

What 20 thinks they have the right to make reproductive choices for two other adults let alone of of her parents 🤣

I would be saying to her right your uncomfortable that's ok, if you need to go to dear mums that's ok but you know what's not ok, you thinking we will base out reproductive choices based on a 20s opinion as a) you have limited life experience and b) seem to be forgetting about bodily autonomy.

It's ok for her to feel what she's feeling. It's also ok for you to say ok bye 👋🏻

The softer the line you take with this (with the 20 year old) the more it will get worse.

You get to decide your safety levels op. This "adult" has shown she's not respectful of boundaries and your abs your DH choices. You don't owe her anything and you don't have to tell her about the pregnancy period.

I would step back and once both you and DH reach a point where your both happy to tell them your pregnant. You leave it to DH. You are vulnerable because of the IVF and because your pregnant, DH should be protecting you from his out of control monkeys. Period.

Ps I'm sending you all the best vibes re the pregnancy! Don't let this tank your view of pregnancy.