When will the bath time stop?

[mannytomanny]

I have two DSC and one ours baby.
The DSC aged 10 girl and 7 boy come to ours after school two days a week.
I find these nights chaotic and messy.
These plans have been in place since the kids started school and goes like this
DH drives to pick them up from school (30 mins) and they come to ours with their bags including pjs which they have to take to school that morning, they do their homework while DH cooks them elaborately different meals to suit their particular likes (while messing up the kitchen) they get their bath, DH still washes the eldest hair(is this normal?) apparently they only wash their hair at ours.
Everything seems such a rush for them as they have to be back at their mums by half 6 and she's 40 mins away. House is left a mess which I do when DH is away, they leave their uniforms here and I wash them and pack them for them to take away next time.
Anyway when will the silly bath and pj thing no longer be appropriate, I just see it as an extra thing to cram in when really they should be able to be more relaxed... it's not a fun time for them it's like a military operation. They are packed into the car with wet hair and pjs for a long drive.
It's not an option to drop them off later either as DM is very strict with not having her evening ruined by late arrival of her children.

To me the issue isn't that the dad is doing too much of the boring "heavy lifting" - he isn't.
It's that he has so, so little in the way of relaxed quality time with his children. Dropping them off fully clothed an hour or so be later would at least allow them to enjoy dinner together properly and thats really not a huge ask at all.

I suspect in my heart on this one it's a DP problem.

He wants to leave the parenting to the women foke, and OP is getting pressure to pick up the slack for him and feeling weird about the set up mainly because she can see if he takes on the kids more it won't be him carrying the burden it will be her.

This stuff shouldn't be down to the women in this story but down to the man. Setting aside any what if about why mum likes it this way, it might be mums only way to get a break.

However the slack isn't and shouldn't be picked up by SM either.

@Youseethethingis

To me the issue isn't that the dad is doing too much of the boring "heavy lifting" - he isn't. It's that he has so, so little in the way of relaxed quality time with his children. Dropping them off fully clothed an hour or so be later would at least allow them to enjoy dinner together properly and thats really not a huge ask at all.

It is a huge ask on top of what the mum is already doing. So on the 2 nights when her DDs are at her dads, it would be okay for her girls to be dropped of after 7pm needing bath & hair washed, with more uniforms for her to wash & iron??

The dad shouldn't be getting quality relaxed time without taking at least some of the heavy lifting.

What you're basically suggesting is that the mum does everything bar cooking 2 meals, just so her ex DH can relax a bit more. He Andreas has 5 nights a week to relax

Why is the house left a mess?

If DH is back for 7.15pm after drop off I'm assuming he has plenty of time to rinse out the bath, wash dishes, clear the kitchen and put on a wash load before bed. All that takes maybe 30 minutes?!

I think it is easy to end up in a strange routine when the kids were very young when the split happened and needed contact little and often. then they get older and people are baffled as it looks strange from the outside but it's hard to change the status quo. It was the case with my DS, my ex and I but (with a bit of a encouragement from my DP) I did manage to get ex to change the schedule (it is still a bit weird though!). DS was 9 months when we split.

I definitely think you could suggest something to your DH along the lines of "the 2 evenings per week seem really rushed for the DSC, it's a shame they don't get a chance to enjoy the time more and that they have so much driving...", depending on his reaction you could also say "perhaps one overnight would be more relaxed for them rather than 2 evenings?".

I also think you should speak to him about the mess in the kitchen from 2 meals! That shouldn't be your job to clean up.

I wouldn't worry too much about the baths and PJs issue, my DS is nearly 10 and would happily chat to me in the bath and have me do his hair (I get him to do his own though!). I imagine as he gets older he'll want more privacy and that'll obviously be fine and I'm sure the same will happen with your SC. it sounds a nice way for your DH to spend time with them.

No, at no point did I suggest he did less (apart from the PJ's thing as that's just stupid).
If he did everything be currently does but had an hour more to do it in, it would be better.
And I'm also not talking about him getting more time relaxing, I'm talking about his children having some quality time with their father.

I agree an extra hour would be good but he should be using that to fit in relaxing time with them before doing baths/PJ's and taking them home not instead of.

I assume they have to go home and do their homework with their Mum which is probably why she doesn't want them home too late.

@Youseethethingis

No, at no point did I suggest he did less (apart from the PJ's thing as that's just stupid). If he did everything be currently does but had an hour more to do it in, it would be better. And I'm also not talking about him getting more time relaxing, I'm talking about his children having some quality time with their father.

That actually sounds sensible but OP seems more concerned about the mess and inconvenience on her life than she does about her DH getting quality time with his DC.

She doesn't want the kids to stop bathing, she wants him to stop spending this time with him so he can get on with housework

assume they have to go home and do their homework with their Mum which is probably why she doesn't want them home too late
OP states in her first post that they do homework, bath and dinner then a 40 minute drive home to their mum's with wet hair for 6.30pm.
OP also states that it's not nice for the kids, they don't be get to spend time with them, she prefers the weekend visits when she gets to spend time with them.
Then on top of that the mess.
So I don't agree that the OP is only interested in DH doing housework and the DM is a paragon of virtue in all this.

Oops missed the bit about homework in OP

I don't agree that DM is perfect either but it's down to DH to sort out with her.

As I said before too, there's no reason that DH can't organise his time better, speak to DM or make a compromise on what he does with his time when they're there. Not bathing once a week won't kill anyone!

He can tackle any house work when he gets back. The be problem is that he isn't managing any of this properly.

You sound hard work tbh @mannytomanny
My 10 year old hates having his hair washed, he looks like Thor with his long hair, and yes we still have to wash his hair for him. Wait until your child plays you up at this age.

@lottiegarbanzo

Basically sounds as though their mum wants a night off, without actually having a night with the DCs away from home (cake and eat it, basically), so is arranging their timetable to suit her, to their detriment.

Their dad needs to stand up for them.

The mum has them all the time!

@TheCreamCaker

You're only looking at it from your own point of view. Perhaps your husband likes them to have a bath as he misses out on their usual evening routine. Perhaps he washes their hair because it's another thing he misses out on and because, you say, they only seem to wash it at your house. He cooks their dinners - he's not asking or expecting you to do it. You tidy up after the meal and wash the school uniforms, which is good of you.

I'm speaking as the granny of 2 kids the same ages (10 and 7) as your husband's kids. My son, their dad, is in the same position as your husband. He has his children for one evening after school (it's all the ex will allow, apart from alternate weekends) and that's from 3 - 6pm. In those 3 hours, he has to get them home, listen to them read, help with homework, cook the meal, ensure that the children have a shower and put pyjamas on, get all their things together, take them back to their mother.

I wonder if you resent the time your husband has the children, perhaps because you'd prefer him to be there and helping with your baby?

Sorry but your son is capable pushing for more contact? Honestly men who use the same excuse for being a poor father just annoys me. Only contact ex will allow? Oh please.🙄

You don't know how much PPs DS had to fight to get that contact.
OPs concern that this is a shambles for everyone isn't as hard work as a 10 year old who can't or won't wash their own hair

If they're having a bath and getting into pyjamas at your house, they should go to sleep there (and CM adjusted accordingly). So no mad dash with wet hair to get them back to their mum's. Instead, your DH can have a relaxing evening and watch TV with them after their bath until their hair is dry, then to bed in good time.

If your DH is just having them for the afternoon/evening, it should be homework and dinner and taken home in good time for bedtime. Either their mum can do a quick bath at home or they can skip a night, no big deal.

Especially with winter coming, these poor children should not be dragged out of the (warm) house to travel to another house in the dark in damp pyjamas and with wet hair.

Its not right that the Dad bathes a 10yo girl, who will be naked. Far far too old.
Add in the clingy-ness and over demonstrativeness with Dad.

Not good signs.

OPs concern that this is a shambles for everyone isn't as hard work as a 10 year old who can't or won't wash their own hair

That last sentence is probably the actual biggest problem here. Compounded by whatever factors are flying around, if this issue isn't tackled ASAP everyone is gonna have a massive upwards struggle on their hands. Lord knows it won't get easier as she gets older and if she's already set in the routine of only bathing once a week.

That's a nasty habit to break entering into the teenage years, given that most are impossible to get into bath and wash at best of times even with a good routine. As privacy becomes a real thing (as it should)

OP, the routine that you described does seem hectic and a not very productive use of time, and it will probably only change when the kids begin to object. Until then, your only reasonable alternative is to be clear about the things that you will or will not do.

Once you have identified and established what if any role that you are willing to play in this routine , you can step back and let it roll on as it will.

@crystal1717

Its not right that the Dad bathes a 10yo girl, who will be naked. Far far too old. Add in the clingy-ness and over demonstrativeness with Dad.

Not good signs.

He’s not bathing her, he’s helping her wash her hair. It’s not like he’s soaping up a flannel and washing her head to toe. If she has very long or curly hair she may still need help rinsing it out properly.

And the clingy behaviour is unsurprising really given she sees her father two afternoons and one day a week. Plus occasional sleepovers. She probably misses him terribly and feels utterly pushed out of his life.

The answer here is simple and would solve all the problems at once. This father needs to look at seeing his children regularly for extended periods of time. That way he’d have plenty of time to parent and relax, and could start teaching his kids independence in personal care.

By extended periods I really mean overnight stays maybe once a week. So still tiny amounts of time really.

But I would hazard a guess this father is actually pretty happy with things as they are, caring for his children only a few hours a week. Given that he can’t even seem to clear up after cooking a meal only twice a week, he doesn’t seem like upping his parenting responsibilities would be in his interests.

I think it is easy to end up in a strange routine when the kids were very young when the split happened and needed contact little and often. then they get older and people are baffled as it looks strange from the outside but it's hard to change the status quo. It was the case with my DS, my ex and I but (with a bit of a encouragement from my DP) I did manage to get ex to change the schedule (it is still a bit weird though!). DS was 9 months when we split.

Very good point. Arrangements get set in stone sometimes, and it’s not always for the best. But common sense is scarce in step situations

The mum probably needs a break as by the sounds of it she's doing all the parenting with exception of a couple of meals and bath.

Your DH needs to step up. They should stay overnight both days and it'll be a fairer balance.

My DSC come round in the week but they sleep over. They are 10 and 8. There's no way either of them would want their dad to bath them. They shower occasionally when here but not every time depending on when they showered at home.
Their mum surely can bath or shower them at home, seems reasonable when they were little as bath time is a chore with two toddlers but not that age.
I wouldn't be cooking elaborate meals either, stick to one meal for all of you.
If things don't change, I certainly wouldn't be clearing up after all of that. Leave it for DH to get home. He will soon find it a faff clearing it all away and May sort out to change it.
If you continue to tidy up then he won't see that as a pain. Leave him to sort his children, tidy up kitchen; wash clothes etc.
Very much a set up that needs changing as children have grown up now.
Most 10 year olds would be conscious of their bodies especially in front of their dads!