When will the bath time stop?

[mannytomanny]

I have two DSC and one ours baby.
The DSC aged 10 girl and 7 boy come to ours after school two days a week.
I find these nights chaotic and messy.
These plans have been in place since the kids started school and goes like this
DH drives to pick them up from school (30 mins) and they come to ours with their bags including pjs which they have to take to school that morning, they do their homework while DH cooks them elaborately different meals to suit their particular likes (while messing up the kitchen) they get their bath, DH still washes the eldest hair(is this normal?) apparently they only wash their hair at ours.
Everything seems such a rush for them as they have to be back at their mums by half 6 and she's 40 mins away. House is left a mess which I do when DH is away, they leave their uniforms here and I wash them and pack them for them to take away next time.
Anyway when will the silly bath and pj thing no longer be appropriate, I just see it as an extra thing to cram in when really they should be able to be more relaxed... it's not a fun time for them it's like a military operation. They are packed into the car with wet hair and pjs for a long drive.
It's not an option to drop them off later either as DM is very strict with not having her evening ruined by late arrival of her children.

What a bizarre set up. Do they ever stay over?
Why do they shower at yours?
Could they shower while dinner is being prepared?

@dementedpixie
They stay over but only on a Saturday night. I personally think it is odd, maybe ok when they were very young and it was appropriate for DH to bath them but now it feels odd

Yes, sounds like something that was put in place when they were difficult toddlers and she didn't want to deal with the bath mess. Which is fine...but now at 10 and 7...as you say, it all seems a bit bizarre!

I can't imagine either of my DDs putting up with that when they were ten! My youngest is 13 and no way would she allow her Dad to wash her hair at 10!

There's nothing wrong with needing help really but as you say, it's not exactly quality time is it?

She wants them on her doorstep ready for bed...and that's that!

I would speak to DH and get him to begin helping the children to be more independent.

Don't say anything about their food though. Wait till yours is older. You think they're going to eat everything but many don't.

I cook two meals every night...if I didn't, one wouldn't eat.

Why can't they keep their PJs at yours though? Does he only get access on weekdays?

Well yes it seems a bit ridiculous. If they are back at their mums by 6:30 then that is plenty of time for them to wash and get ready for bed there. But I can see why she may not feel it’s fair for them to have all the fun at Dads, and then come home for the less fun bedtime routine bit. So either they stay at yours overnight, or they get dropped off back home at a more reasonable 7:30 ish sort of time.

That is very odd for the 10yo, they should be able to hop in the shower and wash their own hair by now - maybe when DH is cooking? As for being in PJs at 5.40 - that's too babyish and loads of extra hassle for a child that would take 2 minutes to get themselves changed for bed at her mum's house. Even the 7yo should be able to do a quick change before bed.

I'd start by drawing a line on the PJ front, it won't make their mum's life much harder and it will make yours much easier. Why on earth would she be wanting to check they have PJs before school and all their uniform home from yours - nobody is benefitting here.

Then get DH to plan their meals in advance and do as much prep as possible the night before. If he's giving up his spare evening time, rather than his stressful contact time to cut vegetables, he might realise how convoluted it is.

One small step at a time... you can change this and the kids will thank you.

They don't keep any clothes here, they have slippers and dressing gowns and coats but no pjs, if they did they'd just end up at mums house anyway! I can't imagine the set up stopping, I think the kids would have to speak up but if it's all they've ever known! They stay over an occasional Saturday night (one in three) and sometimes nights in the holidays

We went straight from topping and tailing our babies to showering them as soon as they were out of nappies and could stand. I would think your time with these kids could be much better spent if they are that age and getting them ready for bed at that time is very not normal. Sounds like it’s all for the mums benefit so she can get them to bed ASAP with minimal effort.

That is completely bonkers

Some of what you write is not that outrageous -- it's nice that he wants to cook something nice for them, and the hair washing is unusual but not totally crazy.

But it makes zero sense for them to put on PJs at yours for the ride home, or for children that age to have to be home by 6.30. When do they go to sleep?

Why isn't your DH insisting that they stay over or that he drop them a bit later?

It's one thing to make sure your ex has responsibility for drudgery and not just fun times, but all of this can't be good for the kids.

Perhaps your DH needs to step up a bit and look to change the arrangements which includes his daughters staying over, I would also have basic clothes and nightwear at your house as well. Surely it is better for the children if they feel it is their home as well.

I think this is more about the rubbish amount of time the girls are with you rather than bath time, if they were staying overnight I am sure they would bath themselves. Perhaps the eldest just wants as much dad time as she can get.

When they have left you sit down with a cuppa. Dh can clear up and do their laundry when he gets back. Stop being a martyr..

If DH gets on well enough with their mum, he could talk to her about contact plans? Eg, they come to you on a Tuesday night and back to her on Wednesday after school or whatever they agree to.

I dont think the bath time is odd as it sounds like it's not only routine but time to chat 1:1 time. My DD occasionally asked me to wash her hair in the bath up to the age of 12. It wasn't that she couldn't do it she just enjoyed the attention.

Your DH needs to clean up after himself.
Also is there a reason why he doesn't have them more over night?

Are they neglected at their DM's? Why else would they only wash their hair at your house?

What you describe is extraordinary.

I thought your question was going to be about the appropriateness of a father bathing his 10yo dd. That will become an issue very soon, as she starts to develop and feel self-conscious about nudity. Needing help with washing long hair is not unusual though, even at this age, though she should be learning to deal with this herself. She should already be able to bathe or shower herself.

@doodleygirl I think that overnights would mean less money in the pocket for DM, I doubt this would happen.
I just don't think I can lay down the law here. I've made wee comments like when one forgets their pjs, I loudly say how silly it all is that they have to put their uniform back on

Sounds like an awful rushed and wasted 3 hours tbh.

Bizarre set up at their age.

Can't you all agree to just spray their hair a bit wet before they leave and pretend they've had a bath if they themselves don't actually want one.

It seems a shame that their time with their dad is getting eaten up by their bath times however it makes sense that if they waited until they got home it would be too late.

It’s nice that they have a little routine with their dad too but I’d be asking for them to stay the night on those days.

Is this routine in a court order or an agreement the parents made amongst themselves.

It doesn’t seem to make sense for the children to travel to their dads just to do the evening routine when they aren’t even staying with him.

It would make much more sense for them to either stay over and/or bath another night so they can enjoy time with dad around dinner and homework.

This is awful. I have dc same age. Father is not spending quality time with them just cooking washing and running them around?

First: you need them overnight. This is rotten running them around midweek.

Second: own pj's which stay at your house. Not carting stuff to school.

A 10yo could wash her own hair now. If its very long I can imagine dad might be needed to detangle and dry it.

My 7yo and 11 yo have been showering themselves for a long time. Sometimes 7yo has a bath for fun but I leave him to it.

Meals: ask them what they would like and then meal prep ahead of time to limit cooking time when they visit.

You need to overhaul your routine. You sound very defeated by it all and resigned to it not changing. Why don't you ask dc what they would like?

A 10 year old girl is not going to be comfortable with her Dad washing her hair for much longer and it’s time one of the adults in her life raised this with her. I think you should make the point to your DH and offer to be that person. She might find it easier to tell you than him because it might feel like rejecting him to her.
When is she 11? Does she start secondary school in September?

Have you talked about this with your DH? I mean a proper sit down and discussion... ask him what little things he would like to do with his DC after school. (Watch a film , play card/ board games, ... or even cook together!)
Then introduce this idea to the children.

Then unravel the whole Bath Time madness from there!

That’s sooooo weird!!
7 and 10 year olds sort themselves out in the evening! I send mine upstairs about 7.30 and tell them
to have a quick shower (and if their hair is dirty, I’ll tell them to wash that as well).
With a toddler I’d do the bath routine you described in case they fell asleep in the car. Definitely not a 7/10 year old. And my 10 year old would be MORTIFIED if her dad washed her hair!!!!

Staying overnight and getting up early in the morning to drive to school makes most sense.

If that’s impossible to agree then suggest that DC wash at home. How long is the journey?

@mannytomanny you dont have to reduce maintenance in order to negotiate overnights. Actually if that is the only barrier the girls mum has regarding overnights it might be worth your DH offer to keep payment the same but still have the girls. Win win for everyone.

Well you see because I only have a baby I really don't know what's normal for this age. They are quite grown up in some ways but do t seem to have the same personal space awareness that I feel is Normal. For example the youngest one is very clingy and I'm ashamed to say I dislike watching films as a family as she sits between DH and I and wants to hold and touch us all the time, like she strokes my hair and lies over us. I'm going she how's out of it as I'm not the most demonstrative person and hate my space being invaded. I normally make excuses to clean or go for a bath. It's such a shame as I do enjoy their company but it really puts me off

My 7 year old makes me leave the room when he changes into pjs. Each of my three kids have been aware of their own privacy since they were 6.

I find it very odd that your dh bathes them, it is utterly inappropriate.