Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

When will the bath time stop?

148 replies

mannytomanny · 16/11/2021 12:16

I have two DSC and one ours baby.
The DSC aged 10 girl and 7 boy come to ours after school two days a week.
I find these nights chaotic and messy.
These plans have been in place since the kids started school and goes like this
DH drives to pick them up from school (30 mins) and they come to ours with their bags including pjs which they have to take to school that morning, they do their homework while DH cooks them elaborately different meals to suit their particular likes (while messing up the kitchen) they get their bath, DH still washes the eldest hair(is this normal?) apparently they only wash their hair at ours.
Everything seems such a rush for them as they have to be back at their mums by half 6 and she's 40 mins away. House is left a mess which I do when DH is away, they leave their uniforms here and I wash them and pack them for them to take away next time.
Anyway when will the silly bath and pj thing no longer be appropriate, I just see it as an extra thing to cram in when really they should be able to be more relaxed... it's not a fun time for them it's like a military operation. They are packed into the car with wet hair and pjs for a long drive.
It's not an option to drop them off later either as DM is very strict with not having her evening ruined by late arrival of her children.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lottiegarbanzo · 16/11/2021 13:08

The timing is weird too. They're home by 6.30pm. That's plenty of time to have a bath and get ready for bed. What time do they go to bed? 8-8.30pm seems about normal for their ages.

Original poster

mannytomanny · 16/11/2021 13:09

Sorry I mean the oldest one not the youngest. The youngest one is actually quite independent

OP posts:

Original poster

mannytomanny · 16/11/2021 13:10

@lottiegarbanzo I'm not sure of bed times because they don't have a bed time here

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 16/11/2021 13:11

Basically sounds as though their mum wants a night off, without actually having a night with the DCs away from home (cake and eat it, basically), so is arranging their timetable to suit her, to their detriment.

Their dad needs to stand up for them.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 16/11/2021 13:13

That’s ridiculous! Children of 10 and 7 don’t need to be in pyjamas at half 6! Does their mother just put them straight to bed as soon as they get home?

If I was their father I would be requesting a change of contact to have at least one of the midweek visits be an overnight stay.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 16/11/2021 13:14

The whole routine seems a little odd. I still wash my 9 year old's hair though (afro and lots of it - i assume this isn't true for you or that's just a bit of a drip-feed).

Feeling relaxed and snuggling on the sofa sounds nice though- seems a shame if that makes you uncomfortable.

Sally872 · 16/11/2021 13:15

Mum wants them home fed, washed and ready for bed which will make her evening easier (and I can understand that I suppose).

But by 10 and 7 expecting a child to be bathed and ready for bed before 6.30 is a bit much. However if the children aren't complaining and your dh complying I can't see the mum having any motivation to change it.

Your dh would not be unreasonable to stop it, but I can also understand him not wanting to rock the boat if children are happy enough.

It can't be too much longer until they object though.

PingedPotato · 16/11/2021 13:17

At 10 I imagine she will start to object soon. It is tricky if they have long hair as they might be skimping on washing it properly.

Stop doing all the tidying and washing. You aren't there to facilitate contact. DH can do that when he's back.

Original poster

mannytomanny · 16/11/2021 13:17

@Sally872 the children are happy enough I think, I'm just wondering what age they might not be happy and if they'll be open enough to tell the parent this

OP posts:

MsSquiz · 16/11/2021 13:17

All your DH has to say is that it makes more sense and less rushing around for the kids to stay at yours once/twice a week, with no changes to the maintenance payments.

Then mum gets a night or 2 child free and the kids aren't be rushed around the place, while also getting to spend time with their dad, stepmum and baby sibling.

Surely you could suggest that to your DH?

Greenmarmalade · 16/11/2021 13:19

Why should their mum have to get them ready for bed? Isn’t it fair that their dad takes that on when they’re with him? Plus it’s all nurturing stuff.

Washing the 10 year old’s hair may have to be taken over by you soon, as she’s too old for her dad to be bathing her.

PingedPotato · 16/11/2021 13:19

Just ask them? Say do you still want to have your baths here? And maybe offer the shower? Just so they know it's there.

LittleMysSister · 16/11/2021 13:21

Yeah this sounds pointless to me, it sounds like this was put in place when they were very little with early bed times to allow their dad to see them during the week, but they don't need this now.

They should just be coming for tea if they have to go back again by 6.30, it's mad to cram a bath and hair wash in. He can do the hair wash on Saturday when they stay and have more time. Very bizarre to have kids of that age change into pyjamas to drive home as well, when they'll be home by 6.30!!

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2021 13:21

Actually I might change my opinion on this. If the children are happy and your DH doesn't mind, then just let it go for now. It's weird but if they're all okay with it, just wait until things change.

Though it's fair to tell DH to clean up when he comes home.

And I agree, if maintenance is the issue then DH can keep paying the same even if he has overnights.

LittleMysSister · 16/11/2021 13:22

@Greenmarmalade

Why should their mum have to get them ready for bed? Isn’t it fair that their dad takes that on when they’re with him? Plus it’s all nurturing stuff.

Washing the 10 year old’s hair may have to be taken over by you soon, as she’s too old for her dad to be bathing her.

But it's not bed time when he has them?! He can do all that Saturdays when he has them overnight.

Also, OP doesn't need to take over the hair washing, a 10yo can take that over themselves surely??

lottiegarbanzo · 16/11/2021 13:25

Why should their mum have to get them ready for bed? Isn’t it fair that their dad takes that on when they’re with him? Plus it’s all nurturing stuff.

Washing the 10 year old’s hair may have to be taken over by you soon, as she’s too old for her dad to be bathing her.

You what? Why shouldn't the mum get her children ready for bed, when they're home at 6.30pm and sleeping at her house? They're not staying with the dad those nights. When they are, he does get them ready for bed (obviously).

Why should the step-mum do the weekly hair wash? Why not the mum?

So bizarre!

PeeAche · 16/11/2021 13:27

This is mental. If your DH would like them overnight for this night, tell him to push for it. Really, really push for it. They can handle it. Otherwise it needs to stop really. 6.30pm is early enough that they can be home in time for a bath at the other end. It's obviously some anachronistic hangover from when they were 2 and 5.

It's not fair on the children to be taking their PJs to school either. My SC don't have to do that and I like to think it makes them feel more "normal" when their lives as suitcase kids are anything but.

None of this lasts forever, OP. Whatever happens, you can deal with it. But it really is a load of old rubbish in its current format.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 16/11/2021 13:28

Will he still be bathing her when she hits puberty?

PingedPotato · 16/11/2021 13:28

Washing the 10 year old’s hair may have to be taken over by you soon, as she’s too old for her dad to be bathing her. if she doesn't want her dad washing her hair then she why would she want her step mum to do it?!

lottiegarbanzo · 16/11/2021 13:29

Additionally, with puberty will come greasy hair. The dd will need more than a weekly hair wash soon.

OP I asked if they're neglected at their mum's house and you didn't answer.

I understand the mum expecting the dad to pull his weight with ordinary tasks, homework etc, on his evenings with them, not just do the fun stuff. But why can't the mum supervise a hair wash ever?

Kanaloa · 16/11/2021 13:29

From what you’ve said they barely every stay overnight, so these two meals and bath times a week is basically the only parenting their father does?

I agree it’s bizarre to pick them up, feed and bathe them, then drop them off. They should be staying over more often so he can do a proper share of parenting. If this routine stopped, he would only see them one in every three Saturdays? That’s ridiculous.

PingedPotato · 16/11/2021 13:29

If they have too much hair and it makes washing by themselves to difficult maybe DH could take them for a hair cut?

Playdoughcaterpillar · 16/11/2021 13:30

Sounds like a typical night with kids tbh so to a degree you have to accept. I think they should stay over instead.

PickleTheWonderCat · 16/11/2021 13:30

It all sounds very chaotic and could probably be streamlined better

Not sure about your concerns about him washing his 10 year olds hair? Are you insinuating hes some sort of pervert? I assume not.

dementedpixie · 16/11/2021 13:30

@Greenmarmalade

Why should their mum have to get them ready for bed? Isn’t it fair that their dad takes that on when they’re with him? Plus it’s all nurturing stuff.

Washing the 10 year old’s hair may have to be taken over by you soon, as she’s too old for her dad to be bathing her.

Why would they even need to be ready for bed by 6pm (40 minute drive home)?

Sounds like they are only at dads house for a couple of hours so why should some of that time be taken up by needless washing?

The kids should be able to wash themselves with minimal adult input

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread