When will the bath time stop?

[mannytomanny]

I have two DSC and one ours baby.
The DSC aged 10 girl and 7 boy come to ours after school two days a week.
I find these nights chaotic and messy.
These plans have been in place since the kids started school and goes like this
DH drives to pick them up from school (30 mins) and they come to ours with their bags including pjs which they have to take to school that morning, they do their homework while DH cooks them elaborately different meals to suit their particular likes (while messing up the kitchen) they get their bath, DH still washes the eldest hair(is this normal?) apparently they only wash their hair at ours.
Everything seems such a rush for them as they have to be back at their mums by half 6 and she's 40 mins away. House is left a mess which I do when DH is away, they leave their uniforms here and I wash them and pack them for them to take away next time.
Anyway when will the silly bath and pj thing no longer be appropriate, I just see it as an extra thing to cram in when really they should be able to be more relaxed... it's not a fun time for them it's like a military operation. They are packed into the car with wet hair and pjs for a long drive.
It's not an option to drop them off later either as DM is very strict with not having her evening ruined by late arrival of her children.

I know it's hard to stop being annoyed about your dp stressing himself out with his dc when you know it could be sorted much more calmly and simply.

You could suggest that you all have a take-away one night pw. Or suggest that he takes them for food straight from school to make his evenings less stressful. From my experience I would avoid suggesting anything that stops him from being able to provide them with two different meals that they want. He is getting a need met by catering to them and if you disrupt that need you will be the bad guy or he will feel guilty and find something else.

How old were they when your husband left? Is he stuck in some sort of weird disconnect where he still associates their needs with the needs of toddlers - bathing them, pandering to special meals etc? Perhaps he doesn't spend enough time time them to realise they're developing emotionally and physically and he needs to adapt to those changes.

time with them

Yes, a bit of a weird set up there. Making work, when things could be much simpler. Things all rushed and too regimented, causing too much stress and hassle..

My daughter always wanted to wash her own hair at that age, not that I told her to, she was always wanting to try and do things for herself. You need to streamline things, when everything is in a rush.

@CamsPaisleyCuffs the youngest was 6 months old when he left

I think I'd ask DH straight up what he thinks will happen in the next year or two.
I started high school at 11. Imagine your dad collecting you from high school to do your bed time routine before Emmerdale is even on at gift school age!
It's unthinkable.
At some point it will become what suits the kids and not what suits their mother as they will not put up with this much longer if they have anything about them.
Better get ahead of the changes.

@LittleMysSister

It all sounds very stressful and rushed but if he only has them overnight one night a month then I don't really blame their mum for wanting him to do a share of the harder part of parenting, which includes the night time routine.

I think he really needs to negotiate dropping them home an hour later if the current arrangement continues, or having them overnight in the week and EOW, which would be more standard.

The PJ's to school thing I find quite sad really. My dc never had to take anything to school to go to their dad's - he has PJ's, etc there for them as he wanted it to feel like another home for them, not somewhere they visit.

I doubt it's him that wants to have to take them back for 6.30 though, or fill his short weekday time with them with a bath and hairwash, when he could do that on a Saturday when they have the whole day? Or do it but drop them home later?

Also, I'm sure he would have pyjamas for them if they stayed? But with this routine he'd just be buying 2 new pairs of PJs every week just to send them home to mum in. At their ages they definitely don't need to be delivered home in PJs at 6.30.

Exactly (re the PJs) - so they either need to stay the night in the week or bath at home in the week and at their dad's EOW. they would still use the PJ's during those weekends then. He is only having them overnight one evening a month on average, which isn't much of a break for mum or much opportunity for dad to spend quality time with them.

As others have said, this routine probably worked when they were younger but needs reviewing now.

I think the problem will resolve itself shortly as the 10 Yr old decides she's too old to be outside in Pj's and for her dad to wash her hair. With all of these type of situations it's best to follow the child's lead and they are all different. I remember wanting privacy/independence very young but relationship with parents not a good one. My youngest son still wanted me to wash his hair in the shower at 9 as he hated soap in his eyes and had to have a flannel on his face😁 but they let you know themselves when they grow out of things. Two other sons were a lot younger when they were independent....... Apart from the nagging to go and shower😂

If they stayed with you during the week, you and your DH would decide on their bedtime!

They need proper sleep on a school night.

Are you saying they have no fixed bedtime, on week nights, at their mum's? So they're in their PJs at tea-time, then stay up as long as they feel like?

OP the 10 year old may be starting her periods soon, you need to spell it out to DH, he needs to stop bathing her

I don't think bath time is the issue tbh. I think the lack of time is. I think either DC need to stay for longer and be dropped off at mums ready for bed at 9pm or whatever is agreed or they stay o/n at yours. My DS fannies about no end in the bath (age 8) and has to be supervised to make sure he actually washes / washes his hair properly but is capable of performing the task himself. I don't stay in the bathroom but pop in to check on progress / remind him that he does actually have to use soap

Surely they should only be having baths at your house if they're then staying over night? The mum sounds like a lazy fucker if she can't be arsed to supervise her own kids bed and bath. I think dh should say he wants more overnights and take her to court if necessary. Why should she call all the shots? It sounds like a shit routine for the kids.

@Udouhun

Surely they should only be having baths at your house if they're then staying over night? The mum sounds like a lazy fucker if she can't be arsed to supervise her own kids bed and bath. I think dh should say he wants more overnights and take her to court if necessary. Why should she call all the shots? It sounds like a shit routine for the kids.

A lazy fucker? The dad baths his kids twice a week and has them stay over every third Saturday and ‘occasional holidays.’

The routine is stupid but the father isn’t exactly doing all the heavy lifting here.

Why has no one taught them how to wash their own hair? Doesn’t he think that’s an important skill for them to learn?

Why doesn’t he want overnight contact? If he’s happy doing cooking and washing them it’s not that, why doesn’t he want to have relaxed bedtimes and nice mornings and breakfasts? That’s the good stuff.

You shouldn’t be cleaning the kitchen or washing uniforms unless you particularly enjoy it. He’s responsible for this daft set up, he needs to deal with all of the consequences.

It’ll last until your DH grows a pair and tells his ex this nonsense has to stop.

Which may never happen. I met DH when DSS was 10. DSS came to us EOW, and DH had to take him home for 6pm on Sundays, having had a bath and his tea. This all seemed a bit early in the evening, even when he was 10, but DH was too scared to rock boat. The ex insisted in a non-flexible visiting schedule right up until DSS went to uni, which meant that even at age 18 he was supposed to have bath/tea at our house before going home for 6pm. It was just plain ridiculous

Omg @Coffeepot72 did your Dss not get sick of this?

*A lazy fucker? The dad baths his kids twice a week and has them stay over every third Saturday and ‘occasional holidays.’

The routine is stupid but the father isn’t exactly doing all the heavy lifting here.*

I hate to say it but I agree. The mum for whatever reason is doing the lions share of not more with the kids on a daily basis.

If the schedule isn't working then it needs to be amended. I would be asking DM her reasoning behind the routine and offering help. Who knows she like she can't ask him to take DSC more.

@mannytomanny both DSS and DH were very obedient when it came to the ex, both took the line of least resistance. It was all about control, a pretty unhealthy dynamic.

So in an ideal world, your DH would have the relaxed fun time with them then send them back to their mums for the hard work & "chore" type care that she already does the other 5 nights a week?

@sandy354

So in an ideal world, your DH would have the relaxed fun time with them then send them back to their mums for the hard work & "chore" type care that she already does the other 5 nights a week?

The real issue is that a ten and 7 year old should not need bathing.

A 7 year old should need a bit of help with hair washing but that's it!

Why arent these parents working towards that? Ten is too old to be bathed by your dad. She'll be growing breasts and pubic hair soon!

Your DH does this 2x per week with the occasional extra night - their Mum does this 5 nights.

Being a non-resident parent can't be all Disney Dad with fun and games without the effort. It's only fair he does his share.

Although thankfully he seems to recognise this regardless of how inconvenient you find it!

None of what you've described seems odd to me either.

@FortunesFave washing long hair in the bath is a PITA, my 9yo still needs help to rinse properly despite being otherwise independent

I agree a 10 year old should be bathing herself. I have a 7 year old DD who bathes herself but I still rinse her hair to make sure she's got all the shampoo out.
However the dad is as capable of teaching them this as much as their mum.

The reason for my reply tho is that the fact the dad bathes them seems to be one small part of OPs issue. She seems to think the dad should be having a relaxed fun night with them and leaving the less fun parts of parenting to the mum, who already does far more than her share.

She's even moaning about washing one set of school uniform per child....this is bare minimum parenting and a fraction of what the mum does. If it's an issue she should be telling her DH to do it. But she seems to think it should be the mums job

The kids seem happy with arrangements as do both parents, the only one that seems bothered is you and it seems to be more that it causes some inconvenience rather than genuine concern for their welfare

We can only presume that when your DH started having the children, as they were young, their DM didn’t want them staying overnight. You would have thought that over the 7 years since he left, that contact would have been discussed between them since, but maybe not. I think you should ask your DH if he’s happy with the arrangement and as the DC are getting older, does he think it’s time to ask for a change. It just seems like DH isn’t eager to change things as it’s worked well all this time.