A rant please!

[SnowWhitesSM]

I'm really proud of myself, I told DH off yesterday and actually said all of the things that I normally bottle up and I know it sounds weird but I'm proud of myself. I have got codependent tendencies and find it hard to tell dh what I really think.

I told him to stop laying his dad guilt at my door.

I told him if he is more than free to move out and have dss all to himself and we won't split up but just live apart until he's grown up.

I told him that if he really needs to stop putting his guilt on to me about not seeing dss as much as it was dss dm that changed the contact schedule and dhs decision to move 25 minutes away from dss.

That expecting me to feel bad that we got married ect was terrible and if he doesn't want this then he needs to move out and if he does want this he needs to get a grip and stop feeling guilty.

That his dss is here 50% (dh told me day before yesterday that he wants to focus on dss more when he's here and if I only had my dc 50% of the time then I would understand. He already has every Wednesday just him and dss until dss is in bed, I already go out on the weekends he is here and leave them to it - what more do you fucking want). I told dh that he's a good dad, he shows up for his kid and has 50/50 and to get over himself. I literally cannot be fucked to have his nrp dad guilt put on me one more time. If dh isn't happy and feels guilt for living with me then he needs to stop living with me or he needs to shut up about it.

Sorry my rant is all over the place and probably doesn't make sense but I'm so happy with myself. I never say what I want too as I get worried about upsetting dh (not because he's abusive but because I've got co-dependent tendencies).

I am not cut out for step mothering. Life is to short to be unhappy and I'm not taking any more of the guilt from dh anymore. If he doesn't like the choices he's made then he needs to undo those choices and fuck off. He says I need to support him more - nah mate you need to stop putting your guilt on me. It's a shit situation to be in when your husband feels bad that he married you because of his kid. Well he says he doesn't feel bad that we're married, he feels bad as we did it too soon - we've been married almost a year now, get the fuck over it

Argh - have a rant if you need a rant

@RandomMess I said to him that his actions towards me led to him having to move out and that I am well within my rights to not put up with his behaviour anymore. He said a few times that I've broken my marriage vows for not sticking with him and pushing through this, personally I think he broke his vows about cherishing, honouring and respecting me first!

@SnowWhitesSM ‘you’ve broken your vows’ is just more emotional manipulation. Ignore him.

My husband will say things about looking back at our vows to check we are sticking to them. It’s nonsense. Especially since just after we married I found myself hearing, ‘you’re their stepmother now. You should…’

As if I’d signed up to be his domestic skivvy and general scapegoat. Funnily enough that bit wasn’t in the vows.

Has he got friends or family he can stay with while he sorts out a rental of his own?

@BeyondOurReef he has and he hasn't.

I'm 99% sure that his sister would have him on her sofa for a few weeks. He says that he can't manage that because of all his work stuff (he has a lot of work stuff and a stores for it nearby us and about 45mins from sil) he has a friend with a 3 bed house who lives on his own, his friend has said he can stay there a couple of nights but H says he can't stay no more than that. He has other friends who's sofas he could sleep on but he says he can't take his son there. He's begged me to let him stay until he can find a place to rent and is taking steps to find somewhere. I just feel very very guilty about changing the locks and leaving his bags outside. He has so much stuff in my loft and the rest of the house I wouldn't be able to pack it all up and leave it outside. His mountain bike for example is worth 5k and chained to my hallway wall. I don't have the key for it and wouldn't like to leave it outside to be robbed.

I am upset that he won't just go to his sisters for a week or so. I want him and his son out of my house but I feel very guilty about acting like I'm in a Jeremy Kyle show and chucking it out on the street.

And what a knob, of course you didn't make vows to do everything for HIS dc

The stuff and the man are kind of separate issues. His stuff can probably stay until he finds somewhere to rent, but he should find somewhere else to be.

Yes I'd be happy for his stuff to be here till he finds somewhere else. I need to be on my own so badly to get myself better and I can't grieve and move on whilst he's still there. I feel in limbo and want to move on.

You know I had my ex HB say this to me and I was like oh now I see you for what you are I can't unsee it.

Snow pls don't worry he will cope, he's using the last trick in the book to try and guilt you into falling back into line.

Next will be the smear campaign. Ignore ignore and remember people who are truly your friend won't believe his bull.

Personally I would sell his bike but that's just me being petty.

Yeah I can see his tactics. He's now saying he's coming home from work early to talk to me. He feels that yes he has issues to work on but anyone would get angry with me and feel provoked. He's putting his abusive behaviours on me - like he does his dad guilt. I can see it so clearly, I really need him gone before I get sucked back in.

He's also saying that all he wants is for us to be a family and pulling heart strings. I'm going out before he gets back. There isn't anything to say to someone who can't go - I'm so out of order I can't believe I've hurt you so much and I need to get myself sorted. He's deep in denial.

I think you're doing the best thing.
Also , can't believe he's asking you to sell your wedding ring and he's got a 5k bike sitting there !

He feels that yes he has issues to work on but anyone would get angry with me and feel provoked.

He is not accepting any responsibility nor (deep down) does he think he has done anything wrong. Telling you ‘anyone would get angry with you’ is the BS people like this peddle out to essentially add weight to their internal script they are running.

My response to that is the following.

1. who are ‘anyone’? Who are these supposed people who would not be able to tolerate you. (I used to get similar by the way telling me that ‘normal people’ would do xyz). I asked who the ‘normal’ people were for me to have that conversation with.
2. If he means what he says, and you are this difficult to be around, then why is he still with you? And most importantly why does he want his golden child around you? If you’re this unhealthy, surely his priority should be ensuring he/ his child have a nice/ calm/ stable home environment.
3. He doesn’t mean it and he knows it’s not true. But he needs you back in your box and for you to STFU. As I said in my earlier post, what is strikes me is that you’re not giving him what HE wants. And as a result of that, this is the rhetoric you’re now getting.

In his mind, you are the problem. It’s classic narcissistic abuse behaviours and thinking patterns.

He wants to be a family

Does he? That’s nice. What does that mean to him? I bet it’s that you serve his needs.

It’s all emotional blackmail. Please don’t cave, at the bare minimum get him out. The stuff can wait. He is going to try and love bomb you again now to get you to get him so stay.

Re the stuff? I don’t know of your financial situation, but I would even rent an access closet and sort a man and van to move his stuff out. He will use his things being there to come back constantly and undermine any progress you make without him.

Either way, I would start seeking some professional support to help you. It’s well known that people try to leave relationships like this about 10 times before they actually manage to leave. Due to how emotionally manipulative the narcissist is.

So if you don’t/ can’t do it now. Talk to someone.

^ what sassbot said and snow I say this with all the care and love in the world knowing it's a really horrific thing to notice but it must be said.

Once you start noticing narcissistic behaviour in your partner, you are more likely to recognise those same behaviours in other especially family and friends.

This nearly broke me when I spotted them, it's like in a crowded room I put up a sign and said come one come all narcissists. I kid you not.Btw of you do find that happens and they are in your family - mumsnet has a Brillant thread called stately homes (give it a google) there kind and lovely people who will know and have Brillant coping mechanisms for it. !

UPDATE

Hi everyone who posted and supported me

Stb ex H has been gone for a couple of weeks. It is bliss. I'm so happy I don't have to deal with him or his parenting of his son in my house ever again!!!

He is trying to persuade me to give it another go with him. He keeps saying we're compatible when we're not. I did have a moment of weakness yesterday and I went to his new flat. I was only there an hour before I was in tears again and left.

My home feels like home again.
I feel that I'm more emotionally available to my DC.
Me and my DC have been hanging out more - tonight we watched a film, played a board game and had a cheese and humous feast for dinner

I never ever ever have to feel like I'm an outsider in my own flipping home.
I never ever have to feel like I'm in a competition with an 8 yr old over my husband.
I never have to have shitty arguments that blindside me as my stbx is feeling guilty.
I never ever have to make things fair - ie treat an 8yr old like a teenager and vice versa.
I never have to deal with anyones ex drama again.
I can have a wee with the door open again and walk to the loo naked in the middle of the night.
I can cook whatever the fuck I want to cook for me and my dc without worrying if today stbx will be consistent with what he will be happy to serve up to ss or not.
There will never ever be the feeling of my husband feeling guilty about sleeping in the martial bed because his son is jealous.
I can have whatever conversations I want to have and express my feelings to whoever I want to whenever I want to.
I will never again be made out to be a monster for basic parenting expectations.
If I want to drag my teens on a walk they will come and once there enjoy themselves. I don't have to listen to someone else's kid whinging.

I never have to feel annoyed about stbx not getting his son help with his anxiety and instead pandering to it.

I never have to listen to ss annoying my dc (like normal 8 yr olds do tbf).

I never have to hear crying over games being lost.

I never have to hear stbx shouting at his kid for things like - not being dressed in the morning and watching YouTube instead.. when it would be so much easier to tell him to get dressed before youtube but hey, thats evil step mum talk there.

I never have to feel anxious about the weekend. No more dread in the bottom of my stomach.

My house is so much more clean and tidy.

My house is now peaceful.

My friends and family have been amazing. Unfortunately stbx still has some belongings round my house so I can't completely cut him out yet. He's making me feel like I've got deep unresolved issues and I'll never be happy with anyone. But I'm not happy with him so even if it is my shit, least I'm happy on my own although now broke, I take home more than enough to cover bills and expenses but won't have the same disposable income as a two income household anymore.

Onwards and upwards

@SnowWhitesSM awww snow I'm so pleased for you !!! Of course the 🛎 end would think all the issues are down to you ! That's what is evil SMs are for, blaming all issues on us 😜

I'm glad you got out, also I would have a look to see if your entitled to any universal credit. They have changed the tapered rates and you very well maybe able to get some financial support!

Keep strong and well bloody done love 💐

@SnowWhitesSM

You must be crying with relief! So glad you've found a solution.

I’d say your own children are very very happy.

Yes they really are @nimbuscloud. Not that he was ever horrible to them, but after marriage they felt awkward.

@SpaceshiptoMars you would think so wouldn't you. I go between being so happy and back to me to feeling like I'm the one with the problem and keep googling am I the abuser... there he hits almost the whole check lists for emotional and psychological abuse but yet I still feel like I'm to blame and I'm abusive.

@candlelightsatdawn thank you. I think I earn too much for UC, I am tempted to go part time for a year and claim UC to top me up though! Hope everything is ok with you

Thanks @RandomMess

I have just read the whole thread. Good luck SnowWhite. I hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

Thanks @Redshoeblueshoe

Also I wasn't co dependent on ex i was on eggshells because whenever I tried to talk about things in a bid for connection he shut me down and I felt rejected. There was nothing wrong with me!

I felt like I was jealous and controlling around his son - no, he put his son in an adult position and in competition with me.

No wonder I felt so shit for the duration of my marriage. I couldn't be myself and then blamed myself for that by thinking I had all these issues which aren't there now. The only thing I did wrong was not leave and let him shout at me more than twice.

My XH remarried and they loved to present a picture of the blissful life that they had. In reality it was very hard on both sets of children. Whereas when I met my husband we kept our lives separate until the DC's had left home. I love DH, but we wouldn't have survived all our DC living under the same roof.

@SnowWhitesSM you are not the abuser he is gaslighting you and trying to turn it round. Keep strong. Ofc you will have moments but your first update post sounds like such a loving relaxed home for you and your DC. Keep moving forward.

@SnowWhitesSM - I’ve just read this thread with interest. I’ve posted my situation on another thread but it is so similar. In my case the ex has absconded and dumped dss on us. Since this happened I’ve been treated as a nobody in my home, there is no relationship as such between us and my emotional needs (and the needs of the family - there is a dsd who lived with us previously and our joint Ds aged 4). I’ve had counselling for a few years about it and we’ve had some joint sessions (where he talks about wanting to be a better husband but that never happenes). We’ve been having arguments recently and we had a huge argument where he accused me of verbal abuse and hasn’t spoken to me since apart from childcare stuff. He says he hates me and wants to leave but he can’t afford it. He accuses me of anger management problems - ok, I have a quick temper but surely there is something wrong for me to get upset. I’m having individual counselling and we are due for a joint session after Xmas but I am emotionally done. I hung on for years thinking he would change and he doesn’t.dss has issues and he won’t address them either. No sense of family - we never eat or do anything together and the dss can’t even clear his plates after his dinner!! Sorry silly points but shows how ridiculous it is. I think we will probably live separately going forward and it’s up to him to rekindle any relationship. Like you, I spent so much time trying to see it from his perspective and keep the peace. So upset that my poor son has to deal with this bit at the same time I feel relieved.

Oh, and he claims I abuse him by getting vocal and loud in arguments. Personally I think he is abusing me I projecting his anger re his ex (highly acrimonious divorce and now absconded and not seen kuds for a few years / I wasn’t the OW btw) onto me