A rant please!

[SnowWhitesSM]

I'm really proud of myself, I told DH off yesterday and actually said all of the things that I normally bottle up and I know it sounds weird but I'm proud of myself. I have got codependent tendencies and find it hard to tell dh what I really think.

I told him to stop laying his dad guilt at my door.

I told him if he is more than free to move out and have dss all to himself and we won't split up but just live apart until he's grown up.

I told him that if he really needs to stop putting his guilt on to me about not seeing dss as much as it was dss dm that changed the contact schedule and dhs decision to move 25 minutes away from dss.

That expecting me to feel bad that we got married ect was terrible and if he doesn't want this then he needs to move out and if he does want this he needs to get a grip and stop feeling guilty.

That his dss is here 50% (dh told me day before yesterday that he wants to focus on dss more when he's here and if I only had my dc 50% of the time then I would understand. He already has every Wednesday just him and dss until dss is in bed, I already go out on the weekends he is here and leave them to it - what more do you fucking want). I told dh that he's a good dad, he shows up for his kid and has 50/50 and to get over himself. I literally cannot be fucked to have his nrp dad guilt put on me one more time. If dh isn't happy and feels guilt for living with me then he needs to stop living with me or he needs to shut up about it.

Sorry my rant is all over the place and probably doesn't make sense but I'm so happy with myself. I never say what I want too as I get worried about upsetting dh (not because he's abusive but because I've got co-dependent tendencies).

I am not cut out for step mothering. Life is to short to be unhappy and I'm not taking any more of the guilt from dh anymore. If he doesn't like the choices he's made then he needs to undo those choices and fuck off. He says I need to support him more - nah mate you need to stop putting your guilt on me. It's a shit situation to be in when your husband feels bad that he married you because of his kid. Well he says he doesn't feel bad that we're married, he feels bad as we did it too soon - we've been married almost a year now, get the fuck over it

Argh - have a rant if you need a rant

Well I've never ever liked the school run and the day my youngest left primary so I never had to do one again was a happy day for me. I don't know anyone in my circle of friends/colleagues/family who enjoy a school run - plus it's not like dh walks home with dss and they have a natter about his day. Dh runs his own business and his phone never stops ringing, it's not quality time and I think it's a bit pathetic that in an argument dh would say he would rather go on the dole then drop the school run. He actually didn't mean it, his business is expanding abroad so he will be travelling 14 weeks out of the year minimum by next year. He has said that he will be dropping the Wednesday contact when that happens.. so yeah shoot me for being upset that dh uses his son and his parenting against me in arguments when it suits him.

I've had another use against me in an argument and then not do it anyway this morning. I thought oh yeah we'll be OK but this morning, after again using his son in argument and putting his dad guilt at my door.. he's not even taking dss out for the day just him and ds. He's gone out with him to run errands. I've probably over reacted, well I know I've over reacted this morning but the whole premise of his dad guilt and laying it at me is that he doesn't get to spend quality time with his son and he feels so so bad about marrying me and feels like dss is sidelined and the victim for this - but yet on his daddy and son day he goes and runs errands. No nice walk somewhere, no cinema or activity. He runs errands. I keep thinking this can work but I feel so angry. I've had to deal with all this shit off him and all his guilt that he puts on me and then he doesn't even follow through with what he says he wants .

Argh sorry another rant

Dh regularly moans about doing the school run! He hates the morning traffic and hates getting up early and sorting pack lunch out. He regularly says I wish I could pay someone right now to do my school run..

He often says in the morning before getting up - I'd pay not to have to get up and stay here with you all day.

This morning after dtd he said I wish the dc (all of them) aren't here right now and we could stay in bed doing this all day

This is where I get so fucked off and confused - so it's ok for you to wish we didn't have the dc here, it's ok for you to keep on about wishing for all the dc (his included) to be grown up and not living at home anymore, it's ok for you to say how much you hate the school run any other time, it's OK for you to moan about your kid, my kids, it's OK for you to be like a normal parent (80% of the time) and cook, clean, run errands, watch what you want to watch on telly ect when you are happy to do so and you can't be fucked to constantly engage with your kid but you still do things like a normal parent (board games, films, xbox, reading ect), but yet whenever you feel bad about being a normal 50/50 parent you get to lay all that guilt for not being the perfect parent who engages with their kid constantly at my door. Then you take any thought away from me, any consideration away from me and you devote your entire being to your son (where you say you can't cook as you have to spend time with him, you have to dedicate more time and attention to him and talk about in your life before we you were constantly engaging with him and it's now changed to constantly seeing him every day (which isn't even true!) )

And yet I still stay with him, as when he's not doing his dad guilt and putting on me he's a really good husband and a good dad. He can balance it - until his dad guilt kicks in and he can't.

Why doesn't he ever feel guilty that he's being a shit husband. Why doesn't he ever think oh I need to dedicate time to making my marriage work, I need to make sure I reconnect with my wife after a day of parenting, why doesn't he think - my wife is really unhappy and the things I do to make her happy (as he does do things) isn't working and I need to try something new and stick to it. Why isn't he the one worried about our foundation, why isn't he comprehending that if our marriage is happy our home will be stable and that benefits everyone, why does he get to lay his guilt on to me and make me feel utterly shit.

It's irrelevant who likes schools and who doesn't. My point was OP was very dismissive of something that her DH feels is important. That is only a very small part of the bigger, very dysfunctional picture though.

why does he get to lay his guilt on to me and make me feel utterly shit.

This is where you need help. Just like nobody can make you feel inferior unless you let them. The same must be true about taking on other people's guilt. Maybe you need earplugs for now. When he starts, shove them in and walk away.

The technical term for the person other people lay their guilt on? A scapegoat/ whipping boy/ punch bag.

www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-an-Easy-Target/Scapegoat#:~:text=%20How%20to%20Stop%20Being%20an%20Easy%20Target%2FScapegoat,3%20of%203%3A%0AHandling%20Toxic%20Relationships.%20%20More%20

Why doesn't he ever feel guilty that he's being a shit husband

Because he doesn't want a mutually beneficial relationship. Your needs are not important to him and you are his whipping boy. I fear you are in the abusive cycle which is why it doesn't make sense...because it isn't rational.

Did you have the issue with him wanting to have separate food and him complaining about what your boys ate?

How long did you know him before you married? Has it got worse since marriage?

Once I realised Ex really didn't want me to be happy (only if my happiness coincided with his needs) it was a light bulb moment.

You are unhappy & depressed because of this relationship and I really don't think it's fixable (he will always blame you). You don't deserve this.

@shylatte

It's irrelevant who likes schools and who doesn't. My point was OP was very dismissive of something that her DH feels is important. That is only a very small part of the bigger, very dysfunctional picture though.

Egh a Disney dad sympathiser 😩 give your head a wobble . Where exactly is it sounding like OPs husband is being supportive and non dismissive of her ? Swings in roundabouts.

He actively sounds like he guilt trips her for her own kids existing and sounds emotionally abusive tbh

So I'm kicking him out Monday. It's my house (rented) not his. My friends are coming over Monday to change the locks and help me pack.

He was horrible to me when he came in, he said something horrible and then said he couldn't believe that I would believe that he meant that and he said it to be funny. I'm not being miserable anymore. He's the source of my misery. I just want to be happy.

I don't even think it's a step parenting issue tbh, I was just seeing his kid as the source of my fustrations and the person that took my husband away because of the guilt. He's obviously got deep underlying issues, probably from his childhood and nothing I do will help him and all he does is chip away at me.

And yeh im the poster with the H who has a seperate food cupboard in case my dc see something of his and ask for it.

He also has a seperate butter in the fridge in case there's breadcrumbs in it, seperate washing as he couldn't tell dss to not put clean clothes that had just been washed and put in a pile to put away back in the dirty washing basket, seperate everything tbh and moans about buying me a chocolate bar when he buys himself one if he's in a mood to make me feel bad.

@SnowWhitesSM it sounds like you have made the right call. A lot of step parenting or general parenting is really hard but it can be managed if you have a DP who is what the name sake says. A dear partner aka a team mate. This dude who has a secret snack cupboard is not.

This was never about your step or parenting skills, DSC or otherwise. It was always about a guy who from what it sounds like has been gaslighting you.

I would ask your trusted friend what she thinks of DP. You might find that actually she says she doesn't like him or saw red flags but didn't want to upset you. Your not foolish, you couldn't have seen this coming, get some counselling to rebuild what must be a shattered self esteem. The free freedom course is something I highly recommend.

He doesn't need to hit you to be called a abuser please know this. Also it's ok to grieve and think the best is people when they beg for forgiveness. This guy will. He won't change though. Keep strong.

Sending you all the hugs possible 💐

All my friends hate him and have done for a while. Everyone in rl wants me to get out of this relationship.

I feel quite embarrassed about my thread now although it has really helped me. I am 100% following through on this. He's on the sofa tonight and tomorrow as dss is here and then he has to leave Monday. He was telling me earlier I need to sell my car to help him with a flat deposit and furniture as he got rid of most of his when he moved in.. then he asked me for my wedding ring to sell.

I'm so sad that it's ended without the happy ending I hoped for. I had never truly felt loved like I did in the beginning with him. He used to make me feel so special, cherished and loved. I'm really sad. I probably won't come back to this thread again and will change my username as I do feel very exposed of my innermost thoughts and feelings, but thank you everyone who commented and helped me. I really do appreciate it

@SnowWhitesSM

All my friends hate him and have done for a while. Everyone in rl wants me to get out of this relationship.

I feel quite embarrassed about my thread now although it has really helped me. I am 100% following through on this. He's on the sofa tonight and tomorrow as dss is here and then he has to leave Monday. He was telling me earlier I need to sell my car to help him with a flat deposit and furniture as he got rid of most of his when he moved in.. then he asked me for my wedding ring to sell.

I'm so sad that it's ended without the happy ending I hoped for. I had never truly felt loved like I did in the beginning with him. He used to make me feel so special, cherished and loved. I'm really sad. I probably won't come back to this thread again and will change my username as I do feel very exposed of my innermost thoughts and feelings, but thank you everyone who commented and helped me. I really do appreciate it

I’ve only just come across your thread, and sounds like you’ve totally made the right decision and it’s a great thing to see!

I’m so glad you found help here, and truly understand the NC and not looking back. I also hope you told him to fuck right off with the car and ring selling demands

You sound very self aware, very capable, and a lovely person, good luck to you

Oh my lovely it sounds like he love bombed you.

It sounds like he's going to be nasty and difficult because that's who he really is.

Take care

He sounds like a narcissist tbh. A very entitled one. There's a guy on Instagram with narcissistism and it's really interesting how he explains how relationships work from a narcissist point of view even down to the love bombing.

You do not have to sell anything for him to get a flat, he's bad behaviour has caught up on him. Snow pls don't be ashamed of the feelings you have posted here.

Cut the rope, don't feel bad and feel better. Your free run baby run 🏃‍♀️

Don’t give him a bloody penny to move out OP!

I’ve just seen that your H is the one with separate food cupboards etc.

He is a cunt, mate. You and your teenagers deserve a happy life filled with freedom, and that’s not what you have right now.

Yes, you were love bombed but don't feel guilty. Many of us were tricked by the deliberate manipulation.

Warning, if he is narcisstic then ending the relationship will cause him rage, might not be physical but there will be a smear campaign against you. You may also be trauma bonded. There are lots of resources online to help you recover.

Don't sell the car! He has a job, he can borrow for his deposit. This isn't behaviour that is likely to make you change your mind, is it?

What knob, glad you’re kicking his pathetic arse out. Don’t give him a penny! Monday is freedom day and you're gonna be so much more happier.

@Fireflygal

Yes, you were love bombed but don't feel guilty. Many of us were tricked by the deliberate manipulation.

Warning, if he is narcisstic then ending the relationship will cause him rage, might not be physical but there will be a smear campaign against you. You may also be trauma bonded. There are lots of resources online to help you recover.

This was very much the case for me.

Thank you all.

I will name change and move on on Monday

Last night he played monopoly with dss and ds and this morning he's trying to get my dc to go on a walk!

I told him last night he needs to ask his best mate if he can crash there for a week or so whilst he gets sorted (his mate lives on his own in a 3 bed). This morning he's asking if we can talk again nah mate, you had all the time in the world for talking and making this right. You had every single time I sobbed about this fucking rollercoaster relationship to make it right. Every single time when you put your feelings on me, everytime when we could have shared and built a great marriage and you didn't do it. If he ever was going to take responsibility he would have done it already and I don't want to be with someone who finds it funny to say hurtful things, who isn't consistent and who doesn't share the same values as me.

I'm not putting the responsibility of him love bombing me on him. When I look back I do think the signs were all there and I chose to ignore them. I need to work out why I would see those signs and ignore them. Why my boundaries weren't in shape and sort that out. For now though I just want to rebuild my life.

I’ve remained single for the last 5 years because I also chose to ignore the red flags and with extensive therapy I now know why, and it also means I feel that I can’t ever trust my judgment when it comes to men.

@SnowWhitesSM I'm truly sorry its come to what it has come to but I really commend you for taking control of your life and not accepting sub standard behaviour anymore. I'll be thinking of you today and hope he goes quietly to give you the time you need to process and reflect. It may make him realise what his lost but if he does make sure you do not accept any thing less than you (and your children) deserve. Sending you love and thanks for all the advice that you've added to this board. You are a strong strong woman. You've got this next chapter I have no doubt.

@SnowWhitesSM, good luck for this week. How are you children dealing with it?

After a similar relationship I spent considerable time & therapy understanding what happened. Yes I ignored some red flags but I didn't have the knowledge of toxic personalities to put it all together.

Ex had talked about his own therapy and he had emotional language that made me think he was capable of a long term relationship but this was a facade. Once in a commited relationship (marriage) he has to have control. It's like a switch was turned on.

The women before me and the one after are all different but intelligent, capable and successful. His current partner will have no clue to his true self as they aren't yet committed. She will still think he is wonderful but he is telling our dc how much he dislikes her children. I think he is hiding those feelings from her..but that will change.

You sound empathic and loving so wish you all the best.

Heya

So I've asked MN to delete my threads in this name as it's too outing.

I feel like I can't chuck him out today. He knows he has to go but couldn't find anywhere today. He's emailed estate agents to arrange viewings ect. I'm going to pack his stuff up thats in my bedroom and put it in the living room for him. I feel the need so deeply to make my home back mine again, H says this is extremely selfish of me but I don't care tbh, I think I'm being more than generous to let him stay longer than I originally was going to as his friend couldn't have him for more than 2 nights.

I can see so clearly his emotional blackmail on me atm. He said last night that I married him for better or worse and that I should stick with it so we can work these things out, he then said that I'm kicking his son out of his home and on to the street..

I have realised that if my H ever loved me he would be disgusted with his behaviour towards me and would have taken the initiative to move out and get help for himself to stop his behaviour towards me.

My dc are absolutely fine. The biggest thing they are worried about is me stopping their social lives and forcing them into family activities with me. They both say they didn't see him as a father figure, he was just my husband and whilst they don't dislike him or his son they won't miss them.

Urgh yep and if he revealed his true colours before marriage you wouldn't have married him!!

Stay strong. It's his fault he's now "homeless" talk about dramatics 🙄