A rant please!

[SnowWhitesSM]

I'm really proud of myself, I told DH off yesterday and actually said all of the things that I normally bottle up and I know it sounds weird but I'm proud of myself. I have got codependent tendencies and find it hard to tell dh what I really think.

I told him to stop laying his dad guilt at my door.

I told him if he is more than free to move out and have dss all to himself and we won't split up but just live apart until he's grown up.

I told him that if he really needs to stop putting his guilt on to me about not seeing dss as much as it was dss dm that changed the contact schedule and dhs decision to move 25 minutes away from dss.

That expecting me to feel bad that we got married ect was terrible and if he doesn't want this then he needs to move out and if he does want this he needs to get a grip and stop feeling guilty.

That his dss is here 50% (dh told me day before yesterday that he wants to focus on dss more when he's here and if I only had my dc 50% of the time then I would understand. He already has every Wednesday just him and dss until dss is in bed, I already go out on the weekends he is here and leave them to it - what more do you fucking want). I told dh that he's a good dad, he shows up for his kid and has 50/50 and to get over himself. I literally cannot be fucked to have his nrp dad guilt put on me one more time. If dh isn't happy and feels guilt for living with me then he needs to stop living with me or he needs to shut up about it.

Sorry my rant is all over the place and probably doesn't make sense but I'm so happy with myself. I never say what I want too as I get worried about upsetting dh (not because he's abusive but because I've got co-dependent tendencies).

I am not cut out for step mothering. Life is to short to be unhappy and I'm not taking any more of the guilt from dh anymore. If he doesn't like the choices he's made then he needs to undo those choices and fuck off. He says I need to support him more - nah mate you need to stop putting your guilt on me. It's a shit situation to be in when your husband feels bad that he married you because of his kid. Well he says he doesn't feel bad that we're married, he feels bad as we did it too soon - we've been married almost a year now, get the fuck over it

Argh - have a rant if you need a rant

It’s sounds so hard.

I’ve also been told that it’s somehow my job to support him through processing his guilt over a divorce and not living with his children full time. Thing is, that’s completely unreasonable. It is not at all fair or appropriate to expect me to help him process things he should have processed before even considering a new relationship.

I couldn’t even begin to consider asking him to somehow take on my feelings about splitting up with someone else and all that came with that as his problem. It’s just … an incredible thing to ask of a your (now) wife. Even if marriage and a new baby did bring up difficult feelings for him, it’s not appropriate to make them my responsibility. That’s a seek individual counselling and sort your shit out situation. You don’t whinge that your wife isn’t supportive enough because you’re upset about having divorced someone else.

Like if I just get over my issues, if I just stop caring about not having a voice and lighten up, if I just trust that dh does love and cherish me and doesn't mean to let me down, if I just make myself happy and stop placing my happiness on to dh to create.. but everytime I feel happier when I've filled my cup up we end up falling out again anyway and I'm back to feeling like shit.

I really need to think that you need to stop taking all the responsibility here and internalising it all.

I also think that the stuff you’ve been reading around ‘filling your own cup’ and not expecting your DH to be responsible for your happiness is not helping you.

The thing about a relationship is that it should be based on reciprocity. Sure, it’s not healthy to expect your husband to create your happiness. But he needs to contribute to it. He needs to do things that make you feel loved and valued and wanted.

Instead, he’s making you feel like a bad person for actually wanting basic things from your relationship. You’re wondering what’s wrong with you.

All the while, he’s complaining that he doesn’t like living with your child and that he’s going to just focus (even more) on his child.

Even where you have told him really difficult stuff, his response is to dismiss you and claim that you’re not supportive enough. You’re tying yourself in knots and beating yourself up trying to find a way not to be miserable because of how he chooses to be about contact with his child. And he’s placing even more blame and responsibility on to you.

I really do think you should have individual counselling. I don’t think your husband deserves you.

I really do feel that something is inherently wrong with me, I feel so outside and threatened when dss is over. I find their relationship so odd and I think thats to do with the way I was brought up as well as dhs weird nrp obsession and babying of dss. The more it continues the more it triggers horrible feelings inside me. I'm really not cut out to be a step mum and really I should end this as it's also not fair on dss. He should be able to cosleep and be babied by dh if that's what works for them. Who am I to change that? I made my hill to die on that dss sleeps in his own bed but really dh would like to sleep with dss. I find that odd and really I should just get him to leave and let them crack on with their relationship without me interrupting it and know that I can never be with a man with dc again. It doesn't work for me and thats ok.

I’ve also been told that it’s somehow my job to support him through processing his guilt over a divorce and not living with his children full time. Thing is, that’s completely unreasonable. It is not at all fair or appropriate to expect me to help him process things he should have processed before even considering a new relationship

Omg this ^^ i really should not be expected to support him in processing these feelings. I deserved to have someone totally into building a life and a family instead of feeling guilty about the past and putting that guilt on me.

Sorry for the triple post - but yes I am getting counselling through work. They have paid for 12 sessions I'm just waiting for it to start.

There’s nothing wrong with you. This is the absolute mind messing effects of your relationship.

Your actually thinking you are a bad person for wanting to sleep in the same bed as your husband.

Can you go to your mum’s and take a bit of time out?

@SnowWhitesSM

Sorry for the triple post - but yes I am getting counselling through work. They have paid for 12 sessions I'm just waiting for it to start.

I’m really glad you’re getting this. I think it’s really important for you.

Omg this ^^ i really should not be expected to support him in processing these feelings. I deserved to have someone totally into building a life and a family instead of feeling guilty about the past and putting that guilt on me.

You do deserve exactly what you’ve asked for here. Of course you do. Only in bizarre step parenting world would anyone claim that you’re expecting anything unreasonable from your husband.

I think you are totally reasonable and doing nothing wrong.
Your DH is not doing his son any favours by pandering to him like this.

Me and my DP both have kids and dont live together and will wait til they have finished school to do this. We have very different parenting styles and I don't want any tension. He has his kids 50/50 too and my DD lives with me full time.

We have lovely relaxed weekends , nice evenings out during the week and go on holidays ourselves and also with the kids and that works for us.

Your home sounds incredibly stressful. I would ask your DH to get his own place as you need space.

So this is where I get confused. Dh says that its normal for 10 year olds to co sleep and that he can't make dss sleep anywhere else but with him if we go on holiday. He says you can't sleep train a 8 Yr old and his friends have older dc that sleep with them. I'm the type of mum that when my dc were 8 they had a regular bedtime and even on holiday I would send them to bed around their bedtime as me and my friends would stay up and have adult time (unless we were out). Dh would have dss up until we went to bed and then wants dss to sleep with us and his compromise is a blow up bed in our room. I don't want that. I don't want to share a room with someone else's kid. I like kid free time, I like it when dc get enough sleep especially when they've had busy tiring days and have another busy day the next day. Dh thinks I'm completely wrong for wanting this and says it's my fault that we can't go on holiday all together as I won't accept dss in our room and want to still have a few evenings of kid free time (my own dc also being sent to bed early). I really don't think I'm wrong in wanting that. But I feel like I'm wrong, I feel like I'm a horrible person for not wanting his son sleeping in our room for a week or two. Honestly my brain is so full up right now.

Dh also says that he loves me more then anything, that I shouldn't feel the way I feel and just doesn't get how he makes me feel. He feels most of this is in my own head and not his actions.. but I truly feel I wouldn't feel like this if dh had what I would call normal, relationship with his son. And I'm not in a bubble with my dc, I have plenty of friends with dc, I have been on numerous holidays with friends who have children. There's never been issues with co sleeping and letting dc stay up late when we want adult only time. But dh me and my friends are not the whole of society and as many as my friends who do similar to me he has friends that do similar to him. So I shouldn't be making him feel bad about cosleeping or the compromise of a blow up bed. I also think it's odd (and you really an pull me apart on this) to cuddle your dc as much as dh does. He cuddles him for 30 mins every morning and night, it's not just your kid getting on the sofa and snuggling whilst watching a film, or a hug when they see you, its a timed cuddle and it's every morning and night and I find it so awkward. Like I feel I cant go in the living room in the morning as they're cuddling and it's their special time. Again I've never known any parent friend of mine do this, I honestly feel like it's his need and not dss. But I shouldn't feel awkward about it, really as a step mum my job is to help facilitate their relationship ect so I shouldn't even feel anything either way, or I could think they won't be doing that when dss is 13 so just hang in there.. but I don't know if its worth my MH. I really don't think it is, but I just want to love my husband and be loved and be a happy family and we're not, we're just not compatible.

There is so much in here about what he says, he thinks he feels. What about you? You get to decide your future, you get to decide if you want to sit in this despair that he thinks will magically disappear in 10 years.

If you don't put you first, who will? It's definitely not going to be him!

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU (sorry for shouty caps) and having boundaries and hills to die does not make you defective in any way.

I will say this, my therapist told me I picked men then enforced how I was made to feel as a child and my childhood. It sounds like psychological babble but actually as a child I was told my needs were at the bottom of the priority list therefore to have 0 needs, that then got enforced with the men I chose in adulthood. When I linked the too it near enough broke me for a bit but man I'm glad I can see it now .

I wonder what your childhood was like and if you ever felt like you couldn't have boundaries or that equaled something being wrong with you.

Thinking somethings wrong with you for having normal healthy boundaries is a trauma response. That trauma or pattern may have started way before DH. Until you get to why, then you can unpick the how, and start rebuilding your self esteem.

Remember a marriage is a two way partnership. Your DH may prefer to live together but you get a vote too and it's just as valid as his. This says nothing about who you are as a person.

Sending you all the hugs and positive vibes

Fucking hell, reading your last post, don't go to therapy with this man. He's not going to be happy until you have no thoughts or feelings of your own. It's like he's shaken your foundations and you are second guessing everything you feel.

Dh also says that he loves me more then anything, that I shouldn't feel the way I feel and just doesn't get how he makes me feel. He feels most of this is in my own head and not his actions.. but I truly feel I wouldn't feel like this if dh had what I would call normal, relationship with his son.

It’s HIM. It’s not you. He is making you feel like you’re going mad. It’s not ok.

If he really loved you, he’d actually listen to you and consider your needs. It doesn’t even sound like he’s considering anything but himself. Every time you raise an objection, he turns you into the bad guy.

He sounds like a nightmare.

So please please tell me - am I wrong for not wanting to share a bed or something bedroom with dss? Am I wrong for finding it weird that they cuddle so much at the start and end of the day? Am I wrong for being upset that dh said he wants to focus more on dss when dss is here ( bare in mind dss gets his am and pm cuddles, Wednesday afternoon and evenings, sometimes dh takes just him out, they play xbox together most weekends ect). I genuinely feel threatened by that because I think what more time and focus can you really give? In a weird way I'm hoping you will tell me that I am the problem here!

@candlelightsatdawn my childhood was pretty normal. My teenage years went to shit and I was very attention seeking. I've done a lot of therapy to get past my teenage years but think my codependencie with dh is from that. Like I can't concentrate at work if we've fallen out in the morning, and after he moaned about my dc Tuesday night, on Wednesday morning when my dc shouted bye (we were both still in bed as dh had a late start and I'm signed off from work) I felt like I couldn't say bye to my dc incase I woke them up. I told dh about this and he said he couldn't understand why I would feel like that and of course that wouldn't annoy him. But I felt it would and I think that's me and not him and my own issues. I just dont feel emotionally safe and stable with dh.

You are not wrong. Not in the least.

He is messing with your mind.
You want a normal life. Nothing wrong with you AT ALL.

This sounds like torture to me. And gaslighting.
Your DH is trying to merge with his son - almost taking him into his own body like back into the womb. To me it's strange. Can he point to any research that shows this is a good idea?

I feel like I'm the weird one for feeling uncomfortable about it all. He's accused me of being jealous before. Sometimes I do actually feel jealous like dss is another person in my marriage because of the merging. The merging is a great term to use!

I really need to get out of this don't I. Even if I am the one in the wrong I'm not happy and I'm not going to be able to fix my happy by being in this marriage.

@SpaceshiptoMars no of course he can't. He actually doesn't believe in research - I've pointed him to loads of research around anxiety in dc ect and how to make dc feel safe with consistency and boundaries but he says his ds isn't a text book case and they don't know him like he does.

I don’t agree it’s all him. You clearly also have significant emotional issues.

You’ve also dismissed out of hand that your Dh has raised that he has his own emotional
Challenges with your children - how come you can have all these issues with his son but he can’t with your children?

Basically it’s a toxic mess of two dysfunctional people coming together because of their dysfunction I suspect. And that is basically impossible to fix I suspect.

I also have to say that poor young lad - you clearly really really dislike him and the poor kid would know that and it would be damaging him.

From the outside it seems really obvious that this is a toxic mess and needs to be dissolved.

Being a bit practical here, imagine that you have 4 children. Could you scale up this behaviour - having 30 minutes private cuddling time morning and evening with each child? Or would you do it on a strict rota system? (Reducing things to the ridiculous can be a helpful way of sorting your head out).

YANBU re the co sleeping on holiday.

And yikes you are not about the cuddling either that is absolutely bizarre. A timed cuddle AM and PM where people feel awkward about entering the room because it's your special cuddle time? Fucking odd. Sorry.

It's definitely not all him @FFSFFSFFS I can recognise my own unhealthy behaviours. I know that it's really unfair on dss who is after all just a child. But I can't stop feeling this way. No matter how much I concentrate on my own life, no matter how many times I go and see my friends, do yoga in my room, go for a walk, tell myself how unreasonable I'm being to feel this way it just doesn't get better.

I've been working out my own unmet needs. I often think to myself - right I'm not actually annoyed at dss, what need of mine is currently being neglected. But nothing I do works. When dh centres his son I feel displaced. Thats an immature response from me but then I'm obviously not mature enough to be his step parent and I do need to leave dh as I can't make that better. I can't get rid of that displacement feeling. I know I didnt feel this before we got married and dh dad guilt came in. I didnt go into this marriage thinking I'd feel this way, but I do and I need to take responsibility for it.

@SpaceshiptoMars it's ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous but I still feel bad for finding myself hurt and displaced by it.

It is all fucking odd, it's making me odd too!

Hmmm, you say the co-sleeping with mum is recent? Did it begin when you got married?

Sorry, getting two similar threads confused here...

@SnowWhitesSM there is so much in here. I’ll try and answer some points that stand out.

Firstly. Reading your posts, I’m sorry to say that I feel you are the frog in the boiling pot analogy. You are being boiled alive. Slowly but surely.

It’s also very surreal as so much of what your DH is saying/ has said to you, I heard from my exp. Please please please listen to me when I tell you that if you continue to put up with this, it will grind you down.

I thought I was ‘ok’. Because at the end of the day, I had my own home (apart from him) and I thought I had detached and set boundaries that ‘protected’ me and my home and my kids from his fucked up dysfunction with his kids. What I (stupidly) underestimated was the impact his repeated unkind words had on me. When the person you are closest to/ who is meant to be there for you/ have your back - says deeply nasty things. It hurts.

This man is not behaving healthily. We are all telling you that. What you have is a man who wants to do what he wants to do with his child and he will say whatever he needs to say to get you to shut up and let him do what he wants.
That includes berating you (you’re jealous). When the likelihood is you’re not jealous per se, but your core needs as an intimate partner are not being met. He’s not facing that and accepting it, instead he’s manipulating it and making you the issue.

Then you come at him again and he makes it about you and your kids. How he has to live with you all and has no space. Again this is designed to put you on the back foot so you back off.

He wants to focus on his child during contact. Ok, well from what I can tell from your posts, you’re not stopping him from doing it. He sounds as though he’s free to do as he wishes. Again, he’s just trying to get you on the back foot.

The interesting one? Him getting stressed during contact? Yup yup. My exp would wax lyrical about how much his children meant to him. To this day, he has not taken one holiday with them just him and them. He would harangue me to join them or rope in his family. (If I saw my kids so little, I would happily spend 121 time with them, in fact I make a point of doing at least 2 breaks a year just me and my kids so we can bond). Why did he do it? For all his ‘my children are my world’, he found it hard work/ boring and wanted other people there to lighten the load. Meanwhile, the job of everyone ‘attending’ the holiday was to pivot the holiday so his children had the best time (even if other children were present). He would play the trump card of ‘I don’t see my children enough’ and everyone (except me) fell into line. I did one holiday with them and swore never to do joint holidays again.

It’s good you’re going to counselling. I’m sorry to say but I think he’s really got into your head. He’s doing what he’s doing so he can get his own way.

It astounds me that you are repeatedly telling him you’re not happy and all his response is what he needs, he wants. Seriously? He’s that unhappy in your home and since he’s moved in, but he wants to stay? That makes no sense.

That tells me one thing. He’s full of shit. He’s absolutely fine in your home (actually his life is easier). What he wants is to be able to do what he wants and for you to step into line.

This won’t stop. These men are really very damaged. None of this is healthy. What do your children make of it all?