A rant please!

[SnowWhitesSM]

I'm really proud of myself, I told DH off yesterday and actually said all of the things that I normally bottle up and I know it sounds weird but I'm proud of myself. I have got codependent tendencies and find it hard to tell dh what I really think.

I told him to stop laying his dad guilt at my door.

I told him if he is more than free to move out and have dss all to himself and we won't split up but just live apart until he's grown up.

I told him that if he really needs to stop putting his guilt on to me about not seeing dss as much as it was dss dm that changed the contact schedule and dhs decision to move 25 minutes away from dss.

That expecting me to feel bad that we got married ect was terrible and if he doesn't want this then he needs to move out and if he does want this he needs to get a grip and stop feeling guilty.

That his dss is here 50% (dh told me day before yesterday that he wants to focus on dss more when he's here and if I only had my dc 50% of the time then I would understand. He already has every Wednesday just him and dss until dss is in bed, I already go out on the weekends he is here and leave them to it - what more do you fucking want). I told dh that he's a good dad, he shows up for his kid and has 50/50 and to get over himself. I literally cannot be fucked to have his nrp dad guilt put on me one more time. If dh isn't happy and feels guilt for living with me then he needs to stop living with me or he needs to shut up about it.

Sorry my rant is all over the place and probably doesn't make sense but I'm so happy with myself. I never say what I want too as I get worried about upsetting dh (not because he's abusive but because I've got co-dependent tendencies).

I am not cut out for step mothering. Life is to short to be unhappy and I'm not taking any more of the guilt from dh anymore. If he doesn't like the choices he's made then he needs to undo those choices and fuck off. He says I need to support him more - nah mate you need to stop putting your guilt on me. It's a shit situation to be in when your husband feels bad that he married you because of his kid. Well he says he doesn't feel bad that we're married, he feels bad as we did it too soon - we've been married almost a year now, get the fuck over it

Argh - have a rant if you need a rant

It sounds as of your h is enmeshed with his son. Not healthy and I suspect his son feels some need to please his dad.

I think your H knows exactly what he is doing and gaslighting you into believe his approach is normal.

I will add. I know you’ve gotten married and made the commitment. It’s a huge thing and you couldn’t have predicted this happening.

My exp wasn’t like this in the beginning. I thought I had met a perfectly balanced and relatively healthy person. All signs pointed to someone emotionally available and able to prioritise his children and an intimate adult relationship.

The reality? It was a mask and when it became about day to day relationshipping? He wasn’t there. All he could obsess about was seeing his children. They were his North Star. But he equally wanted sex on tap, a successful partner and someone who could ‘support’ him. (Because I was expected to have a bottomless well of empathy over his EOW situation and it also was meant to come with a blank chequebook that absolved him of anything if it was do with ‘the children’).

Before I ended it, he said something quite hurtful to me. (I later found out that earlier that day his EXW had just pulled weekend contact due to covid). I looked at him and said. If you really mean that, you shouldn’t be with me. And if you don’t mean it, I definitely shouldn’t be with you.

He didn’t mean it. But he was hurting. So he said it because he was lashing out.

We cannot carry these men. Nor near the brunt of their issues with their previous families. These beds were of their making. As you said, he made h these choices. He doesn’t mean the things he’s saying to you. He’s trying to get you to stop standing up to him. Because he thinks you’re going nowhere.

I hope the counselling helps x

This is the most honest, raw and real post that I’ve seen on here for ages. No sugar coating, just saying exactly how you feel and explaining the difficulties of being a step mum. I have to say, it was refreshing to read, and I believe all step parents have felt some element, to some extent, of what you’re feeling now. I have been in two different step parent situations. The difference between an unmanageable / miserable step parent situation and a manageable / even enjoyable step parent situation, for me, has been the other Parent. My current DP has the same parenting style as me. We’re both big on manners, bed times, child free time etc. If my DP suggested he sleep with his kids or have them sleep with us (unless they were ill or going through something where they needed extra support) I’d be gone. So maybe you’re being harsh on yourself, maybe you wouldn’t hate being a step parent if you had support, understanding and shared values when it comes to raising children and building a happy relationship. I think an honest discussion with your DH is needed, and if he’s not hearing you, he knows where the door is. Good luck.

@Savannah80

This is the most honest, raw and real post that I’ve seen on here for ages. No sugar coating, just saying exactly how you feel and explaining the difficulties of being a step mum. I have to say, it was refreshing to read, and I believe all step parents have felt some element, to some extent, of what you’re feeling now. I have been in two different step parent situations. The difference between an unmanageable / miserable step parent situation and a manageable / even enjoyable step parent situation, for me, has been the other Parent. My current DP has the same parenting style as me. We’re both big on manners, bed times, child free time etc. If my DP suggested he sleep with his kids or have them sleep with us (unless they were ill or going through something where they needed extra support) I’d be gone. So maybe you’re being harsh on yourself, maybe you wouldn’t hate being a step parent if you had support, understanding and shared values when it comes to raising children and building a happy relationship. I think an honest discussion with your DH is needed, and if he’s not hearing you, he knows where the door is. Good luck.

You are totally right that the difference is made by your partner’s choices and general attitude.

That’s true in all relationships, but in stepfamilies the pretext that it’s about his children almost makes him unassailable and any objection puts you in the ‘villain’ category.

What's nacho-ing please?
OP-you really do sound miserable and the situation seems a bit untenable-and like it's all going round in circles. Could you at least take some space-go away without him for a weekend just to breathe?

Nachoing is a stepparenting solution that a couple of Americans are selling people. See: nachokids.com/

I looked into it. Tried it to some extent. But I’m extremely skeptical about it.

I really feel for you, I can hear your anguish in your posts.

Your DH is not going to change, he doesn't want to change, the example of his DS not being a textbook case.

You need to deiced if you can deal with this in the long term, it is not going to get better. And imo for your mental health you really shouldn't continue. Your DH has no interest in listening to your opinion, or your happiness.

I agree he won't change. I don't even think he will change when DSS is an adult. Perhaps some things will change but he will still have the guilt. He'll still put you last.

It's not you op it's him.

I am so miserable. Dh actually does a lot of nice things for me and he's not obsessed with dss to the point he can't cook, clean or watch a film with me. He also is flexible with changing contact if we want to go away ect. Dh hugs me every morning and night, we go for bike rides, dates, walks ect and he buys me lots of little gifts.

The issues are for me - the things dh has said in arguments that can't be unsaid. He told me he regretted marrying me in February. That can't be unsaid and I've not felt emotionally stable with him since then.

Last night we spoke again. I asked him what he meant by saying he needs to focus on dss more. I listed all of the lovely things we have done together in the last 2 contact weekends and the things he has done separately, and the time that he has spent with dss. Dh said he didn't mean he wants to do more, he meant that he wants to continue doing that. I asked him why he doesn't say what he means - and after a bit of arguing dh said that I'm wrong for making him feel bad about him spending more time with his son and any decent parent would want to do the same. But we've done loads of lovely things together and apart, I don't get where it came from. He then said he said that as we were arguing - so I said to him that he's still using his son in arguments and thats terrible and no wonder I feel the way that I feel.

@sassbott yup dh waxes lyrical too about how much dss means to him - but he's not adverse to sending dss back to his dms when his attitude annoys him too much.. he also hasn't ever done a solo holiday.

What dh wants from me (I think) is to always be happy and never feel put out when he makes any parenting choices that impact me or my dc. He is allowed to feel aggrieved by any of my parenting choices that impact him or his son. I should always be happy and never upset and recognise and be grateful for all that he does. I can't be a stepford wife. I get upset about my needs not being met. I get annoyed about the difference in parenting styles.

@Savannah80 yes I think a lot of it is completely down to that. I have been an unmarried step parent before and I didnt feel anything like I feel now. I actually liked it when the dc came over and planned lots of fun things. I'm now friends with their dm and still see them. I didn't struggle, I didnt feel jealous - but then our parenting styles were very similar although he was more strict than me which gave me the space to be the fun one.

I really wish I could make this work and not feel unhappy and left out. I wish so badly that we could get on the same page, I just don't think we will. I don't want to be on his page, I know it won't be nice for me.

@SnowWhitesSM

We started counselling but have a few other bits to pay for before we start it again. Dh didn't like that the counsellor wouldn't say who was wrong and who was right in the sessions.

We've actually started Gottmans book to build our relationship house. It's going well and our communication skills have got soo much better. We don't shout anymore, we actually talk and listen.

I feel fucking depressed at it all. Genuinely depressed where I've been in bed the last couple of weeks and signed off work. I've tried nacho-ing, I've tried couples counselling but dh doesn't think its a financial priority atm (to be fair we've got a lot to pay out for until early next year) I've tried filling my own cup up so much, I've tried journalling and working out my own needs that aren't being met when dss is here.

I've tried so hard - but I hate ste parenting, I hate the fact that I'm not in a normal family and I can't say to an 8yr old to go to bed at 10.30pm as dh feels bad that it's the weekend (get your fucking kid to bed) i hate that we can't go on holiday together as dss won't go on holiday unless he sleeps with dh and I'm not prepared to go on holiday again and not sleep with my fucking husband, I hate that I can't have a moan about something dss does without my dh finding something that my dc do - when what is behind my moan is the lack of voice I have in my own home. I hate hate hate the way dh parents, it bugs me soo much, dss talks to him like shit, gets his own way, only rings him and is nice when he wants xbox money, makes up lies about all of us - like yes objectively I feel bad that your son has all these emotional issues but idgaf anymore and I just want to be dss free. Dh doesn't do anything but pander - he hasn't got dss help, he just let's it carry on and panders. It's ridiculous and annoying.

Dss is 8 - when dh is home dss won't shower alone, wants dh to stand by the toilet door ect. Last contact weekend we were in a petrol station, dh went in to pay and I walked to the bin next to the car and dss took his seat belt off and opened the back door to jump out - he's very very lucky a car didn't drive past at that second. He's got issues and no one does anything about it yet I'm supposed to think about them and also pander to them. Oh fuck off, take yourself and your annoying kid out my house and crack on with your guilt parenting.

Tho message has sent shivers up my spine. This was my life till recently. It was fucking horrendous and made me a person I didn't recognise. I have managed to get myself out of it now....by leaving him....and my life is so, so much happier.

@SnowWhitesSM

So this is where I get confused. Dh says that its normal for 10 year olds to co sleep and that he can't make dss sleep anywhere else but with him if we go on holiday. He says you can't sleep train a 8 Yr old and his friends have older dc that sleep with them. I'm the type of mum that when my dc were 8 they had a regular bedtime and even on holiday I would send them to bed around their bedtime as me and my friends would stay up and have adult time (unless we were out). Dh would have dss up until we went to bed and then wants dss to sleep with us and his compromise is a blow up bed in our room. I don't want that. I don't want to share a room with someone else's kid. I like kid free time, I like it when dc get enough sleep especially when they've had busy tiring days and have another busy day the next day. Dh thinks I'm completely wrong for wanting this and says it's my fault that we can't go on holiday all together as I won't accept dss in our room and want to still have a few evenings of kid free time (my own dc also being sent to bed early). I really don't think I'm wrong in wanting that. But I feel like I'm wrong, I feel like I'm a horrible person for not wanting his son sleeping in our room for a week or two. Honestly my brain is so full up right now.

Dh also says that he loves me more then anything, that I shouldn't feel the way I feel and just doesn't get how he makes me feel. He feels most of this is in my own head and not his actions.. but I truly feel I wouldn't feel like this if dh had what I would call normal, relationship with his son. And I'm not in a bubble with my dc, I have plenty of friends with dc, I have been on numerous holidays with friends who have children. There's never been issues with co sleeping and letting dc stay up late when we want adult only time. But dh me and my friends are not the whole of society and as many as my friends who do similar to me he has friends that do similar to him. So I shouldn't be making him feel bad about cosleeping or the compromise of a blow up bed. I also think it's odd (and you really an pull me apart on this) to cuddle your dc as much as dh does. He cuddles him for 30 mins every morning and night, it's not just your kid getting on the sofa and snuggling whilst watching a film, or a hug when they see you, its a timed cuddle and it's every morning and night and I find it so awkward. Like I feel I cant go in the living room in the morning as they're cuddling and it's their special time. Again I've never known any parent friend of mine do this, I honestly feel like it's his need and not dss. But I shouldn't feel awkward about it, really as a step mum my job is to help facilitate their relationship ect so I shouldn't even feel anything either way, or I could think they won't be doing that when dss is 13 so just hang in there.. but I don't know if its worth my MH. I really don't think it is, but I just want to love my husband and be loved and be a happy family and we're not, we're just not compatible.

I hear you on this! When my SD, aged 7 decided she wasn't having a shower or a bath, instead of stepping up and being a parent, his solution? Get in the shower with her. 40 year old man in the shower with his daughter. I told him it was one of the most fucked up bits of parenting I have ever witnessed, and then I was the cow. It is impossible to live with this nonsense going on. Totally skews your sense of what is normal

When my SD, aged 7 decided she wasn't having a shower or a bath, instead of stepping up and being a parent, his solution? Get in the shower with her. 40 year old man in the shower with his daughter. I told him it was one of the most fucked up bits of parenting I have ever witnessed - absolutely fucked up. Dh also showered with dss when he was 6/7 when dss requested it. I thought it was fucked up - and when my dc were babies I did use to shower with them, and when they were toddlers they used to jump in MY bath and take it over. I just don't get why it's done at an older age and what I really really really fucking hate - really fucking hate and I cannot stress this enough - is that dss gets to make decisions that dh goes along with. He has got better these last few months at saying no dss you are not the adult here, but omg it annoys me so much. You are a child, you do not get to decide what happens. You are not in charge! Yes children should feel a sense of autonomy, you give children a sense of autonomy by saying - right we're going to the park, do you want to take your bike or your scooter to the park. Or it's cold outside, do you want your blue or your green jacket. Well, that's how I parent anyway. My dc are listened to when it's something that I feel needs their consideration but they don't make the decisions and they don't get to dictate how me or others in the house are!

A thought has struck me.

These parents are doing what their DC want/demand instead of working out their emotional need and working out they way to healthily meet that need.

Bed sharing - they want to feel close and connected but you can talk to your DC about their feelings around feeling "left out" by them marrying and you recognise it, label it, offer alternatives and them focus all those tricky feelings - jealousy, growing older without let them dictate that you start co-sleeping.

Same with the bathing.

What missed opportunities to emotionally connect with their DC and help them learn about their feelings and work out a resolution so that everyone's need in the household is met.

@RandomMess

A thought has struck me.

These parents are doing what their DC want/demand instead of working out their emotional need and working out they way to healthily meet that need.

Bed sharing - they want to feel close and connected but you can talk to your DC about their feelings around feeling "left out" by them marrying and you recognise it, label it, offer alternatives and them focus all those tricky feelings - jealousy, growing older without let them dictate that you start co-sleeping.

Same with the bathing.

What missed opportunities to emotionally connect with their DC and help them learn about their feelings and work out a resolution so that everyone's need in the household is met.

Couldn't agree more. Our entire life when SD was with us was focused around her making decisions which weren't appropriate; decide what restaurant we could go to (not many due to horrendously fussy eating being tolerated and pandered to), what was watched on tv, where we went for days out, what my kids could or couldn't do, whether or not she would do homework. No actual parenting going on. Unfortunately his daughter is no longer a cute toddler, rather a rude, selfish and indulged child who is entirely down to her dads making. It's an awful thing to say but I am so glad I no longer have to see her

@SnowWhitesSM

Curious here. Does your DH give you 'timed hugs' in the same way as his son?

Might be worth looking at the Enneagram model of personality types. It's a way of understanding how other people look at the world. Just a wild guess here, but have a look at the description of type 9, because they can do this merging thing:

www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-9

If I'm right, he's an unhealthy 9 - scroll down the page for descriptions of behaviour.

Yes he does @SpaceshiptoMars he sets his alarm half an hour early every morning to hug me before he has to get up. He's done that ever since we started dating, him doing it with dss is a more recent development (since September and the coinciding of me demanding dss has a bed time on school nights).

I will read it now.

@SpaceshiptoMars he's a 4 not a 9. An unhealthy 4. I seem to be a 2 - an unhealthy 2 atm.

[quote SnowWhitesSM]@SpaceshiptoMars he's a 4 not a 9. An unhealthy 4. I seem to be a 2 - an unhealthy 2 atm.[/quote]
Two points:

1. If you are both down in the unhealthy levels of your personality type, get help. Now. Prioritise psychological intervention - ask your GP for it.

2. If you want to use the Enneagram to enable your communication, both of you take a test to be sure of your types. It's a very helpful tool, but only if you get the type right! And it is quite easy to misidentify. We can only really be sure of our own type, because only we know what thoughts buzz around our own head.

@SnowWhitesSM I hear you, we've spoken before I really appreciate your honestt and candour on this thread (always have) it is fucking hard. Mines been different, we still don't have contact with dsd. My DP has put an application into court for an enforcement order and a change of CAO as the previous arrangement of a 3rd party has broken down. His been depressed and down and I've had to listen to how I don't understand it because I see my children and this isn't his doing. The wallowing the self pity. It was her birthday the other day and by god I dreaded the day got 'I should be seeing my dd' except he would only have been seeing her if they were together because it isn't part of the cao to see her on her birthday. It makes you feel not good enough. It makes me cross that our ds is not good enough to meet his needs (not that he shouldn't miss dsd because he has him) I've had enough when he asked me if I missed her. No actually I don't miss the drama the comments from her mother you whispering in rooms with her going against the household rules my children have to abide by. Then it comes the 'do you even like her' no I don't actually like her. She's spoilt she's bratty she's not a child I would choose to spend time with. I can tolerate her being around but would I trust her in a room with ds? No. Because her mum has pumped her full of evil. She's said things no 6 year old should even know nevermind say. The smirks the 'well you say no but my daddy he will tell me yes' the comments from her mother about how her daddy treated her mummy better how he loved her more etc. Its tiresome. Yes she's a little girl but her mothers influence at every door is loud and perfectly clear. I'm sick of it. Since my ds was born (now almost 4 months ago!) I've had fake social services phone calls prying into my mental health and that of my child, dodgy hang up phone calls, my daughter has seen her neice and nephew at the train station and had them whisper and point at her (she's 12) I've lost my shit. I've screamed so much about her she seems to be everywhere I turn controlling everything. Everyone's mood. He says she isn't but she is. She's dragged the divorce out so much that almost 3 years later - thabk you covid-it's no further forward we can't move house (I had to move from a conformable 4 bed rental to a 3 bed house with my 2 DC and a baby and having dsd) were crammed in it wasn't the plan. We're miles away from schools this and that. We can't afford a second car because of her and the fact his still paying for her car, their wedding this that and the other. It's depressing as fuck. I've screamed and shouted about it like my head is spinning round.

Two days ago she was served papers informing her that dp is taking her back to court. Today I got a flat tyre whilst out with the baby that had a Stanley blade in my tyre. I had to wait in the cold for 45 mins for a taxi with the baby. Make arrangements for my other two children to be collected. She has form for tyre slashing. It's been done before. There could have been a nasty accident. Dps first thought and comment to me? "at least it shows its getting to her" then when he had to wait with the tyre man to fix the tyre on a call out (250 it cost that we don't have) he calls me to tell me that he didn't think it could possibly have been done on purpose with all his friends who said it couldn't possible be the ex wife. It was the ex wife. Ofc it was. Then twists it round when I say I'm sick of it. What's the option now? I don't want to risk the kids but equally can't say pick you dd or our ds. It's bullshit. It sucks. This was not how I thought it would be.

Anywya enough of my rant. We're all here going thru this bullshit. Let's stick together 😘

@Vie8126 yes we have spoke a few times and thanks for appreciating my honesty.

Nothing I ever do works. On the personality quiz it basically sums me up as codependent when unhealthy which is true. It also says that I like caring for others and get happiness from that. That's very true, I get a lot of joy from my job (social worker) and I love cooking big meals for family and friends ect. I think thats why I struggle so much as I can't give to dss - dh would love me to be like that with him but I just can't. There's been so much drama, so my disconnect and nacho hasn't helped. It put a plaster on it for a while but really I've just been eaten up with even more resentment but unaware of my feelings iykwim.

Tonight I've been un nacho-ing. I feel free! I feel like I'm in my home and undiminished. I'm not following dss around admonishing him, we're actually having a lovely evening!

Vie I feel so bad for you, I couldn't imagine feeling like how we feel with a baby on top of that. Having your tyre slashed is so Jeremy Kyle . It's so hard when there is such a lovely husband and your dream life is under the dad guilt and the feeling of not being enough for your husband.

@SnowWhitesSM I haven't looked at the quiz I will take a look for myself. I completely kbow what you mean it's like why should I leave me house do this do that when all I actually want is for my husband/partner to hear me ans act accordingly. The most frustrating thing for me is I don't act like this with my ex husband at all. I can't understand it. The need to destroy someone that comes from his ex is worrying. Its frightening actually. I could go and confront her but with no solid evidence I look like a mad woman. I can report it to the police but again there's no proof. My hands are tied. How much more bullshit is there going to be. I'm dreading him seeing dsd again each month that ticks by just means the eventual start of contact again will be hell. I don't want to be around for it. I've told him as much too. I've told him the weekends he has contact give me anxiety that has grown and grown and grown over the years of listening to his behaviour and her mothers input. That her mothers parenting and his is making her spoilt and not a nice person to be around. That I don't want our ds to hear the horrible things she says about her dad and me from her mother. He thinks the ex will get bored. I've read enough on here to kbow they don't it gets worse as they get older.

The tyre slashing so I have a Stanley blade sticking up out of my tyre he says it might have flicked up from the floor. Anything but admit it's the ex despite us having this issue in the past with her. He says we will move away so she won't know where we live but she will eventually as dsd will tell her. Being here is signing myself and my kids up to her abuse and I don't have to tolerate it tbh.

@Vie8126 what is keeping you with dh? What is good about your relationship? What joy does he bring to your life?

Me and DH are going to start a love bank. I told him all of my feelings yesterday, how utterly miserable I am. He has agreed to move out if thats what I want but it's not what I want. I want him to be a happy husband who is happy with his life with me. He insists he is happy with me. He had parents evening and dss is doing really well - I said it's time to stop seeing dss as a victim and he agreed. We will see, I am going to reassess how I feel in January and whether dh is able to fill my love bank and if we can sort out our marriage foundation or not.

@SnowWhitesSM I know what you mean life would be easier without him but you don't want him to go. Just be the person you fell in love with. Give you what you deserve. It sounds like a lot of good has come from your discussion with DP I think nacho is a good technique for some things but I think for 100% of the things that go on its just pushing your true feelings down and it will inevitable explode. The small things build and build the first time they give in to sweets or sleeping with them you let it go and roll your eyes then the next time it's okay well what's going on to eventually its a full blown rage!!!!

95% of the arguments in this house are about dsd and his ex wife. The rest of the time it's a happy household as long as they aren't in discussion its all fine. His behaviour when she is around is odd it's like noone compares to her even my mum commented on that it appears like the child has a hold on him.... Told her it's guilt. He didn't seem to have it before we lived together it's gradually got worse. I remember once we argued because he said my daughter was spoilt for not wanting his daughter going in her room and spraying all her perfume she had just got (to the point there was very little left) because he said he would replace it and she was still upset. That was a sign then really she would always trump everyone else.

Honestly OP this sounds like such an unhappy household for all of the dc that are in it. I'd part ways for the sake of the dc alone.
I was surprised that you have dc as in your first posts you come across as not being able to relate to parents at all. 'Who enjoys school runs?!' Lots of parents feel that doing a school run is important, and you are constantly dismissing things that your DH finds important because you don't. The whole situation sounds like a mess.

@shylatte

Honestly OP this sounds like such an unhappy household for all of the dc that are in it. I'd part ways for the sake of the dc alone. I was surprised that you have dc as in your first posts you come across as not being able to relate to parents at all. 'Who enjoys school runs?!' Lots of parents feel that doing a school run is important, and you are constantly dismissing things that your DH finds important because you don't. The whole situation sounds like a mess.

Op has had a blame put at her door. She's also been incredibly honest which is brave. Shall we stop being dismissive of someone's pain which is evident in her post.

I don't like the school run shoot me and send me to mum jail however I realise going to school is important so do it but I wouldnt centre my world around it 🙄

Op mentioned it as it's a key thing to mention as it's part of Disney dads pretending to be be dad of the year for doing something us parents just do as part of the course. What does he want a gold star ? This type of look at me I'm parenting from dads especially is grating. ESP when women are like ohh look isn't he amazing.