A rant please!

[SnowWhitesSM]

I'm really proud of myself, I told DH off yesterday and actually said all of the things that I normally bottle up and I know it sounds weird but I'm proud of myself. I have got codependent tendencies and find it hard to tell dh what I really think.

I told him to stop laying his dad guilt at my door.

I told him if he is more than free to move out and have dss all to himself and we won't split up but just live apart until he's grown up.

I told him that if he really needs to stop putting his guilt on to me about not seeing dss as much as it was dss dm that changed the contact schedule and dhs decision to move 25 minutes away from dss.

That expecting me to feel bad that we got married ect was terrible and if he doesn't want this then he needs to move out and if he does want this he needs to get a grip and stop feeling guilty.

That his dss is here 50% (dh told me day before yesterday that he wants to focus on dss more when he's here and if I only had my dc 50% of the time then I would understand. He already has every Wednesday just him and dss until dss is in bed, I already go out on the weekends he is here and leave them to it - what more do you fucking want). I told dh that he's a good dad, he shows up for his kid and has 50/50 and to get over himself. I literally cannot be fucked to have his nrp dad guilt put on me one more time. If dh isn't happy and feels guilt for living with me then he needs to stop living with me or he needs to shut up about it.

Sorry my rant is all over the place and probably doesn't make sense but I'm so happy with myself. I never say what I want too as I get worried about upsetting dh (not because he's abusive but because I've got co-dependent tendencies).

I am not cut out for step mothering. Life is to short to be unhappy and I'm not taking any more of the guilt from dh anymore. If he doesn't like the choices he's made then he needs to undo those choices and fuck off. He says I need to support him more - nah mate you need to stop putting your guilt on me. It's a shit situation to be in when your husband feels bad that he married you because of his kid. Well he says he doesn't feel bad that we're married, he feels bad as we did it too soon - we've been married almost a year now, get the fuck over it

Argh - have a rant if you need a rant

Well done for telling him. Hopefully he’ll listen.

Tbh, it sounds like your DH is actually the one that isn’t cut out for remarriage as a nonresident father.

One of my very big problems with my husband is exactly the things you are describing. His failure to accept that: 1. He chose to divorce his first wife and to become a nonresident father to their children; 2. He made a whole set of choices right from the birth of their first child that made her the primary carer and that has continued since their separation; 3. His ex vetoed 50-50 (purely for the maintenance) and he agreed a contact schedule with her in mediation so he sees his children precisely the amount he negotiated; 4. He chose to start a relationship with me, get married and have a baby - no one forced him (the marriage and baby were his idea); 5. His failure to resolve whatever psychological issues he has around all this is not my fault or my responsibility - he should have processed his baggage while staying single; 6. He chose to have two children with a woman whose personal values and attitudes are, frankly, dreadful - he cannot pretend that he’s just been ‘unlucky’ that she’s passing that on to her children.

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a SM either. I might have been brilliant if DH were better at relationships after divorce involving children. But I will never know because I can only judge based on the situation I find myself in.

Yes @BeyondOurReef they chose to have dc, they chose to not be resident parents by their lifestyle and work choices, they chose to date and look for another relationship and they chose to progress that relationship to marriage. I didn't trick dh into marrying me, I didn't give him a brain transplant or drugs - he wanted to marry me and asked me. He was the one who took the initiative and the one who booked our giving notice and marriage date. Honestly if I have to hear about his guilt one more time I may just pack his bags for him.

Dh told me that he would rather go on the dole then give up his school runs - mate you're not normal, no one likes school runs, an after school club or breakfast club when you need it would be better then the dole - which you wouldn't get anyway if you weren't looking for work

I told him he needs counselling around his guilt, that it isn't normal to feel that strongly about school runs for 8 yr olds.

Mine is weird about school runs too. Something about his need to feel (kid himself) that he’s really involved in their day-to-day life. I’ve suggested that big going into Disney dad mode every time he sees them and just treating contact as ordinary would serve that purpose more effectively.

He has to make big changes to his work patterns all week to accommodate these school runs. This, of course, is all premised on his automatic assumption that I’ll just do everything for our child, and do ALL the nursery runs etc. Plus, he’s not around to have breakfast with our child because he’s in the car (or out) with his other children, or working because he had to start early, or squeezing in some exercise because that has to come out of our family time too (contact is SC time, first and foremost - the rest of us are supposed to somehow be grateful that we are allowed to witness parts of it 🙄).

It’s frustrating. He doesn’t recognise that he’s made all sorts of choices and continues to do so. And those choices make his personal priorities abundantly clear. Number 1 is him trying to avoid his divorced dad guilt - nothing else seems to be as important as that

I'm not sure all this Dad guilt is due to the divorce. It seems to be part of modern day life, that we have to deliver impossible standards of parenting perfection. My DH is widowed, and he has it too - that he worked all those long hours and didn't have enough of himself left over to play football with the kids. I keep telling him he couldn't be in two places at the same time, but the guilt of not being able to be both working/provider Dad and SAHD is profound.

Number 1 is him trying to avoid his divorced dad guilt - nothing else seems to be as important as that I keep thinking if I hang on for the next 10 years I'll get my husband back. Then I think why should I have to put up with his divorced dad guilt for 10 years when I could be perfectly happy single or with someone else.

Yeah I'd divorce him. He needs to get a grip 50/50 is perfect what more does he want?

@SnowWhitesSM

Have you had counselling? Together or apart? I think I would have gone under if ours hadn't been able to get through to DH in a way that I couldn't. It was a real turning point.

We started counselling but have a few other bits to pay for before we start it again. Dh didn't like that the counsellor wouldn't say who was wrong and who was right in the sessions.

We've actually started Gottmans book to build our relationship house. It's going well and our communication skills have got soo much better. We don't shout anymore, we actually talk and listen.

I feel fucking depressed at it all. Genuinely depressed where I've been in bed the last couple of weeks and signed off work. I've tried nacho-ing, I've tried couples counselling but dh doesn't think its a financial priority atm (to be fair we've got a lot to pay out for until early next year) I've tried filling my own cup up so much, I've tried journalling and working out my own needs that aren't being met when dss is here.

I've tried so hard - but I hate ste parenting, I hate the fact that I'm not in a normal family and I can't say to an 8yr old to go to bed at 10.30pm as dh feels bad that it's the weekend (get your fucking kid to bed) i hate that we can't go on holiday together as dss won't go on holiday unless he sleeps with dh and I'm not prepared to go on holiday again and not sleep with my fucking husband, I hate that I can't have a moan about something dss does without my dh finding something that my dc do - when what is behind my moan is the lack of voice I have in my own home. I hate hate hate the way dh parents, it bugs me soo much, dss talks to him like shit, gets his own way, only rings him and is nice when he wants xbox money, makes up lies about all of us - like yes objectively I feel bad that your son has all these emotional issues but idgaf anymore and I just want to be dss free. Dh doesn't do anything but pander - he hasn't got dss help, he just let's it carry on and panders. It's ridiculous and annoying.

Dss is 8 - when dh is home dss won't shower alone, wants dh to stand by the toilet door ect. Last contact weekend we were in a petrol station, dh went in to pay and I walked to the bin next to the car and dss took his seat belt off and opened the back door to jump out - he's very very lucky a car didn't drive past at that second. He's got issues and no one does anything about it yet I'm supposed to think about them and also pander to them. Oh fuck off, take yourself and your annoying kid out my house and crack on with your guilt parenting.

@SnowWhitesSM yes to your posts but in particular the part where he chose to marry you and move the relationship forward! He chose to take you on dates and woo you, you didn't force him.
How was he before you got married? Has he changed dramatically?

@SnowWhitesSM I feel for you.

I tried to make a relationship work (on/off) with someone for nearly 5 years. The things you say so resonate with me.

I too put up with years of nonsense. Years of NR dad guilt - bordering into obsession over his children. Nothing else came close, until I ended things and changes were promised. They never lasted.

I put up with years of ‘you don’t understand, you see your children.’ (Yes I do and so does my ex because WE co parented from when the children were young and I continued working). Unlike your EXW giving up work to become a SAHM and primary carer. He was very happy to have the lifestyle he had (his life didn’t change when his children were born one iota - his work didn’t change, he continued his weekend sports). And he wonders why I should have understood why he now wanted to be hands on father of the year.

‘I don’t see my children enough.’ I heard that so many times. My response?
Welcome to parenting after divorce. Tbh I don’t see my children enough. I didn’t sign up to having children and only seeing them 50% of their childhood. But you know what? It is what it is and the best I can do is ACCEPT my lot in life and build a fulfilling life outside of them.

The unnatural attachment? Also a huge problem. At first I thought it was the children, then when I sat back and watched their dynamic, I realised he was as much of an issue. The attachment came from him too - their attachment to him validated him as a ‘good’ father.

I managed to ‘navigate’ it. Or I thought I had. I stepped away from contact. I refused to cohabit or marry. But it didn’t get better, if anything it got worse. His frustration around his lack of seeing his children, eventually spilling out onto me. I would be on the receiving end of some nasty behaviour. The final straw? When he started to attack my parenting and how my children were with me.

I’m not a perfect parent - far from it. But I co-parent my children amicably with my exh (polar opposite of his situation) and as a result my children are thriving.

Now I’m out of it I can tell you that the whole experience (of dealing with a man who is so obsessed with his children and NR issues) has left me wrung out and exhausted. My confidence has taken a hammering and I’m gradually rebuilding myself. Don’t try at any level to normalise this behaviour. And don’t underestimate the impact it could be having on your mental/ emotional health.

@SnowWhitesSM

We started counselling but have a few other bits to pay for before we start it again. Dh didn't like that the counsellor wouldn't say who was wrong and who was right in the sessions.

We've actually started Gottmans book to build our relationship house. It's going well and our communication skills have got soo much better. We don't shout anymore, we actually talk and listen.

I feel fucking depressed at it all. Genuinely depressed where I've been in bed the last couple of weeks and signed off work. I've tried nacho-ing, I've tried couples counselling but dh doesn't think its a financial priority atm (to be fair we've got a lot to pay out for until early next year) I've tried filling my own cup up so much, I've tried journalling and working out my own needs that aren't being met when dss is here.

I've tried so hard - but I hate ste parenting, I hate the fact that I'm not in a normal family and I can't say to an 8yr old to go to bed at 10.30pm as dh feels bad that it's the weekend (get your fucking kid to bed) i hate that we can't go on holiday together as dss won't go on holiday unless he sleeps with dh and I'm not prepared to go on holiday again and not sleep with my fucking husband, I hate that I can't have a moan about something dss does without my dh finding something that my dc do - when what is behind my moan is the lack of voice I have in my own home. I hate hate hate the way dh parents, it bugs me soo much, dss talks to him like shit, gets his own way, only rings him and is nice when he wants xbox money, makes up lies about all of us - like yes objectively I feel bad that your son has all these emotional issues but idgaf anymore and I just want to be dss free. Dh doesn't do anything but pander - he hasn't got dss help, he just let's it carry on and panders. It's ridiculous and annoying.

Dss is 8 - when dh is home dss won't shower alone, wants dh to stand by the toilet door ect. Last contact weekend we were in a petrol station, dh went in to pay and I walked to the bin next to the car and dss took his seat belt off and opened the back door to jump out - he's very very lucky a car didn't drive past at that second. He's got issues and no one does anything about it yet I'm supposed to think about them and also pander to them. Oh fuck off, take yourself and your annoying kid out my house and crack on with your guilt parenting.

This is all terrible. Really terrible.

Your problem is that your husband just isn’t willing to meet your emotional needs. It sounds so hard.

The nitpicking at you and your children as a displacement activity is extremely annoying. And hard because it starts to negatively affect your relationship with your own children. That’s not fair on any of you.

It is so hard to feel that you have no voice in your own home. I also tried nachoing but I found that what was happening was that I was giving up even more in that regard and not gaining anything. The problem with stepping back and leaving him to make his own choices was that it required him to step up and to be considerate of me and my children (including our child) when deciding how he wants to parent his other children. But he didn’t. The effect was that I was disempowering myself within my own home and feeling that my husband did not care enough about me or our child to consider our feelings, needs and experiences. It was all about his wants and indulging his other children.

Now I’m out of it I can tell you that the whole experience (of dealing with a man who is so obsessed with his children and NR issues) has left me wrung out and exhausted. My confidence has taken a hammering and I’m gradually rebuilding myself. Don’t try at any level to normalise this behaviour. And don’t underestimate the impact it could be having on your mental/ emotional health.

Sassbott is totally right here. It is really destructive behaviour and awful for your mental health.

It sounds like leaving was definitely the only reasonable course of action in her case. I hope that counselling can help you and your husband to find another way.

@BeyondOurReef thank you. It was (genuinely) my only option. My ‘detaching’ from it all (bizarrely) made it worse also. As the ‘issues’ only became more pronounced. I was in a very different situation to @SnowWhitesSM as we were in no way ‘committed’ (financially or married). So that made my decision far easier. I feel for any person who is in this situation and committed/ blended.

My core emotional needs were not met in my relationship. I can see that now. Detaching meant I detached myself from the core dysfunction going around my exp and his first family. But in doing so, I also lost any normality in a partnership. I detached to cope, but (without realising) also lowered my standards (massively) of what I was getting out of a relationship. I thought I was being ‘smart’ and coping via detaching. It’s caused a lot of damage to my confidence - mentally, emotionally. I never used to feel the way I do atm.

These men, can cause a lot of damage. Through their lack of ability to prioritise their existing partners. Through their intense inabilities to enjoy life despite being NRP’s. Through their projection and displacement onto partners/ partners children.

Just be careful Op. counselling is great, but don’t let it become a slippery slope where you accept less and less. It’s a miserable way to live. X

Exactly @mannytomanny - his choice, I didn't hunt him down, knock him out and drag him to the alter.

@sassbott - thank you. It's horrible but nice that you and others can relate. I am also wrung out and exhausted. I'm not emotionally mature enough to be a step mum with a nrp like my dh. There really is something soul destroying about a man going above and beyond to meet their nr dc emotional needs, to the point they create a need in the dc for them that imo is unhealthy and codependent, but can't meet their wife's.

When I told dh that I had abnormal smear results he came home from work and told me it would all be OK, his mum, his sister and his ex also had that. I blew up, why the hell did he talk to me about her results from last year. He didn't tell me about it when she told him, why has my whole life become infected with her. I couldn't even be upset about something happening to ME without her name being mentioned. I hate it. I know I should be more mature but I'm not. I've accepted that I'm never going to be happy being part of a blended family. Whether I'm completely out of order or not these are my feelings and they're valid.

@BeyondOurReef he 100% does not meet my emotional needs. I need to feel wanted to feel secure, I need to feel cherished and that my dh is happy to come home and see me. That he's happy to live with me. I don't feel those things. I feel his guilt about it instead so I don't feel secure and if I'm really honest, ever since we got married and his dad guilt came out all I've ever felt is that dss is a threat to my marriage. I do realise that sounds terrible and I feel like I'm such an awful person for feeling this way. But I've stopped denying that I feel this way and I'm owning it. I feel this way whether it is right or wrong in anyone else's eyes. I can see clearly how I've come to feel this way, I can also see how dh has tried to change in the last few months but it's not enough and I can't let it go. Last night dh shut the living room door to cuddle with dss for half an hour before bed. It made me feel shit. I shouldn't feel shit that dh is cuddling his son, but I did. I'm fed up of feeling shit. I hate it, I hate feeling like this so much.

I thought detaching would work but you're completely right @sassbott it actually disconnects you from your partner. It doesn't work when all that happens is you have less voice in your own home.

@SnowWhitesSM I can hear the pain and the absolute rage in your messages. And to be frank I would be raging too, I'm raging for you . Of course you didn't hold a gun to his head, but somehow the responsibly for his own choices seem to be landing on your head funny how he's repeatedly escaping that. Utter bullsit

Sassbot talks sense here. Well done for saying it to DH. If it helps and it probably won't, due to what's going down in our house I have had a similar conversation with DH this week ! Must be something in the water !

I think it's telling that he thinks counselling isn't a priority, he probably thinks like DH you will calm down. I bet if he thought he was really at risk for losing his favourite guilt beating bag wife he would be speed sailing one now.

I don't have any advice bar that well done for seeing through the fog. Don't let your mind be sidetracked by people who have no idea just how damaging this can be to your mental health.

he 100% does not meet my emotional needs. I need to feel wanted to feel secure, I need to feel cherished and that my dh is happy to come home and see me. That he's happy to live with me. I don't feel those things. I feel his guilt about it instead so I don't feel secure and if I'm really honest, ever since we got married and his dad guilt came out all I've ever felt is that dss is a threat to my marriage. I do realise that sounds terrible and I feel like I'm such an awful person for feeling this way. But I've stopped denying that I feel this way and I'm owning it. I feel this way whether it is right or wrong in anyone else's eyes. I can see clearly how I've come to feel this way, I can also see how dh has tried to change in the last few months but it's not enough and I can't let it go.

Oh. I do want to give you a hug and tell you that you are not an awful person to feel this way.

One of the hardest things about being a stepmum is having your husband repeatedly let you down and not being allowed to be upset about it because of the stepchild(ren). You end up internalising it and it destroys your self esteem.

But, actually, all you are asking for is a husband who cares about you and makes your relationship a priority in his life. The slight of hand that nonresident fathers pull that make you the bad guy no matter what (because he’s just trying to be a good dad/it’s all about the children) is hard to forgive in someone who made promises to you.

@candlelightsatdawn but somehow the responsibly for his own choices seem to be landing on your head funny how he's repeatedly escaping that. Utter bullsit terrible isn't it.

@BeyondOurReef thank you, I gratefully accept your hug. This though is spot on You end up internalising it and it destroys your self esteem - I don't feel like me anymore. My sense of self and what is right for me and what is wrong for me has gone. I've become very codependent and anxious in this relationship. I've become needy and needing constant reassurance. But I'm not a needy person usually! I love being in love but now I'm just exhausted by it all. I want my joyful, funny, friendly self back.

[quote SnowWhitesSM]**@candlelightsatdawn* but somehow the responsibly for his own choices seem to be landing on your head funny how he's repeatedly escaping that. Utter bullsit* terrible isn't it.

@BeyondOurReef thank you, I gratefully accept your hug. This though is spot on You end up internalising it and it destroys your self esteem - I don't feel like me anymore. My sense of self and what is right for me and what is wrong for me has gone. I've become very codependent and anxious in this relationship. I've become needy and needing constant reassurance. But I'm not a needy person usually! I love being in love but now I'm just exhausted by it all. I want my joyful, funny, friendly self back.[/quote]
Have you been to your GP about this. You shouldn’t feel this way. I think personal counselling would be really useful. You can self refer through the nhs in most areas, and your work might have an employee assistance scheme that offers counselling too.

(I know what I’m about to ask/say next will be hard, because I think you are in a similar place to I was a few months ago)

What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

It sounds to me that you were a joyful, funny, happy person but marriage to a guilty divorced father has had a dreadful effect on you. Given that your husband doesn’t even see counselling as a priority when the situation is this bad for you, do you think he can or will actually give you what you need?

Unfortunately marriage seems to bring out the worst in some men. Even more so where they’ve got a previous divorce and children from that relationship.

@SnowWhitesSM it's utter bullshit. And here's the thing, stay with the mad feeling, stay livid. Do not fall down the well of almost empathetic. He's waiting for you to backdown. If this is your hill, put your sword in the ground and die on it, even if it means cutting out your own heart.
Your entitled to a life, your entitled to be happy and no one can dump a load of guilt on to you and make you live a half life.

This is a half life. Happiness is only a few steps away. Your aren't alone, we are all with you. Keep with the rage, it's a awfully good motivator and whatever you do. Keep talking !

Go burn some buildings down !

I know if I left dh I would be happier in the short term. I'm just not sure about the long term. Dh also tells me he's not happier in life since moving in with me. Dh says that he has it worse as he lives full time with my teenagers and doesn't get space from us. He says that we don't give up and that we get through these years and then our real life will begin.

I think there's been too much damage tbh. I don't see how I will be able to get through the next 10 years feeling like this. I also think what I would need to get through these years is unreasonable and unfair - ie dh stops 50/50 and goes to eow and I go to my dms for that weekend. That isn't fair and dh wouldn't be happy anyway.

Another big stress factor is that dh doesn't actually enjoy having dss over! He gets stressed and annoyed with dss. He doesn't feel he can relax until dss goes back to his dms. It's all a big mess and I am tied into dh because we're married. I can't just chuck him out and there are really lovely aspects to our relationship. But I'm not happy and I know what I should do but I havent got to the point where I can ask him to leave and follow it through.

I very rarely come to this board as I’m not a step Mum any more - however I’ve popped on to say that I left my marriage for the same reasons and my life has been fucking lovely since.

The shit I put up with from ExH and his DS was unbelievable. I nacho-d too, it didn’t work.

Honestly? Leave. It’s not worth it. And in a few years you’ll be horrified that you ever tolerated it.

Can I ask please, what was his response when you said all this? - and well done for saying it.

I told him if he is more than free to move out and have dss all to himself and we won't split up but just live apart until he's grown up.

Is this an option, practically speaking, for you both? If you can do it, it would take a lot of heat out of the situation.

He said we won't get into this right now (I only said it last night) and wouldn't discuss with me apart from to say that I should support him when he feels guilty. He also said that I've been over thinking what he said to me Tuesday and it's not like that - but wouldn't tell me what it was like.

On Tuesday he told me how much he is struggling with my dc being at home every night and also how he's going to concentrate of focusing on dss from now on. Last night I asked him what he meant by that as I believe him and dss get plenty of 1 on 1 time and thats how we got on to me 'telling him off'

@ObnoxiousFeminist I know what you're saying. I know I would be happier, I feel like I'm hanging on for a dream that gets more tarnished each day. I don't know why I don't ask him to leave. We argue or bicker most days, I feel so unhappy and I keep trying to fix it thinking its me. Like if I just get over my issues, if I just stop caring about not having a voice and lighten up, if I just trust that dh does love and cherish me and doesn't mean to let me down, if I just make myself happy and stop placing my happiness on to dh to create.. but everytime I feel happier when I've filled my cup up we end up falling out again anyway and I'm back to feeling like shit.

@SpaceshiptoMars I would love this. We have spoken about it a few times but dh wants to make it work with us living together.

I’d leave. Once’s he’s available for an adult relationship he can find you and see if you’re still available and interested.

But really this won’t stop when the kid hits 18, or 21 or whatever magical age. It’s just how your DH is.