Am I being unreasonable by not wanting my partners ex in our house we are buying together?

[catmum789]

I am pregnant with my first baby and my partner has a child already with his ex wife, we are in the process of buying a house together, 50/50 bills etc and I said that I didn't want his ex wife coming in to the house, I thought this was perfectly reasonable because it's my safe space where I will be raising my baby and I don't want to be on edge constantly that it has to be spotless so she doesn't come in and judge. (Also a side note, my partner doesn't go in to his ex's and her new partners house.) My partner then got annoyed with me and said I was being unreasonable but I don't think I am. help :(

@5thnonblonde

You’re probably just nesting. When it comes to it if she needs the loo or to see a sick kid or meet the baby or whatever I doubt it’ll be a biggie

I wouldn't be so sure of that. I would find it a biggie if my DH's ex wife was allowed in to use the loo or meet my child (there's no reason for her to do this). She's been awful. If DSC were really sick and unable to leave the house then that's the only reason she ever needs to come in.

She's been awful.

And that's the reason. No one is saying you have to let arseholes into your house. But just banning exes, for no reason except 'comfort', was being called into question. When they are important to other people living there.

OP has since clarified that there are actual reasons. Fair enough then.

@Tattler2

The OP's partner may feel as strongly about the behavior that he wants to model for his children as the OP feels about her anxiety around the ex coming into her home.

Because the partner is not online expressing his feelings about the manner in which he wants to demonstrate civility between parents to his child, many are assuming that this is something that he takes lightly.

When my ex and I divorced , I stayed in the marital home, I never bothered to change the locks.I had no reason to distrust my ex and on many occasions he has had to let one or the other of the kids in to pick up some item that they needed from the house.

There seems to be an underlying feeling her that the OP's feelings matter more than the thoughts and feelings of her partner. I would assume that her partner is taking his stance for reasons that matter very much to him. He is expected to be an equal contributor to this property, surely, his feelings should be accorded the same consideration. A woman's / mother's feelings are no more nor less important than that of the man/father.

People who think that their thoughts or comfort should triumph that of their partner without significant dialogue and mutual agreement should probably live alone.

Except, he accepts that it’s ok for his ex to forbid him from entering her home. Where his children live. Probably more often than they’re in the OP’s house.

If modelling behaviour was that important to him, he should be insisting his ex does the same. Or is he not important to some of the people who live in that house?

Regardless, he can model relationships with his ex in a coffee shop or whatever. Whereas his wife cannot have that substitute for feeling comfortable in her own home.

@Tattler2 he's modelling behaviour which shows you don't have to give a shit about your pregnant wife but you should favour your ex? I feel sorry for the future partner's of those kids.

@MrsTerryPratchett

She's been awful.

And that's the reason. No one is saying you have to let arseholes into your house. But just banning exes, for no reason except 'comfort', was being called into question. When they are important to other people living there.

OP has since clarified that there are actual reasons. Fair enough then.

Who decides what "actual reasons" are good enough though? You?

I can't get my head around the treatment of pregnant stepmums on this forum. Anywhere else on Mumsnet a first time pregnant woman would be greeted with bunches of flowers, tender care, congratulations and popping champagne corks.

(sarcasm) For a stepmum? Oh no, none of that for you, madam. Hurry up and push that creature out, and get back to the kitchen. My children need their dinner. (/sarcasm)

@SpaceshiptoMars

I can't get my head around the treatment of pregnant stepmums on this forum. Anywhere else on Mumsnet a first time pregnant woman would be greeted with bunches of flowers, tender care, congratulations and popping champagne corks.

(sarcasm) For a stepmum? Oh no, none of that for you, madam. Hurry up and push that creature out, and get back to the kitchen. My children need their dinner. (/sarcasm)

I honestly feel like everyone is happy when the Ex-W moves on but when the Ex-H moves on it's a completely different story!

@SpaceshiptoMars spot on!
I'm technically a first wife & I honestly cannot get my head around the fact that on here, the fact that years ago I had dc with my exh should somehow grant me a place of higher importance in his life than his now dw!
It's bonkers and makes no sense.
All these people banging on about how it's about the dc? It's not about the dc - it's about making themselves feel they are of primary importance in an ex's life.
I've always felt that so long as my dcs sm is kind to them & inclusive within reason (baring in mind that they are not her dc) & so long as their dad shows no favouritism amongst his dc (bar age appropriate 'favouritism') then my presence in their (exh & dw) does not need to be anything more than a background 'thing'.

I feel that re being the "second wife" (he never had a first wife) like when I got pregnant it was "oh ex will be mad about that" "oh what about dss" "I don't want any more grandchildren" without so much as even a congratulations from a lot of people.

It was a really fucking shitty experience for me. Massively shitty. And before someone says oh you knew it wasn't his first, yes, of course I did. But it was my first but apparently that did not matter.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
It's not even about it being his first baby or not.
Even if it's the 10th full sibling, people still don't have a blank cheque to be utter dicks.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I feel that re being the "second wife" (he never had a first wife) like when I got pregnant it was "oh ex will be mad about that" "oh what about dss" "I don't want any more grandchildren" without so much as even a congratulations from a lot of people.

It was a really fucking shitty experience for me. Massively shitty. And before someone says oh you knew it wasn't his first, yes, of course I did. But it was my first but apparently that did not matter.

I have this too (although our DS wasn’t my first child - but the level of not caring from people is still infuriating).

My MIL has never even acknowledged that we got married. Not so much as a card from her. Or any of his siblings or other family.

The baby is nearly 18 months and neither of my husband’s siblings have even met him. They have shown precisely no interest in doing so. BIL has arranged visits to MIL’s to coincide with seeing my stepchildren. He’s had DH visit him for weekends. But he’s made literally no attempt to visit here (there’s plenty of space and he went to university here, so he knows and likes the city).

There has been precisely ONE video call where any of them have even seen the baby (but regular calls to the SC). And seeing the baby was totally incidental because the call was to the SC and the baby just happened to be awake.

MIL is in regular contact with DH’s ex. She’s ever even asked for my number (not that I want the awful woman to have it). The only member of DH’s family who has ever asked for my number is his nana. None of the rest of them have shown any interest in me - right from the start (and I made efforts to see them and be as friendly as possible).

It’s made abundantly clear to me that I’m only a second wife. I do not matter. My baby doesn’t matter either. Only the first family matters.

Presumably DH’s family are exactly the kind of people who think that SMs don’t matter even in their own home. Only the ex really matters. She’s the alpha female.

DH's ex has never been in our house, in 23 years, DH has only been in hers once and that was to collect stepdd's things when she moved in with us. There's no rule around it, just no need for it. I don't understand why you'd make it a stated rule though, if it has never happened before, it's like you're laying the law down to an adult man when he had done nothing to prompt it. He probably doesn't want her there but you've put him on the defensive.

[quote Youseethethingis]@Getyourarseofffthequattro
It's not even about it being his first baby or not.
Even if it's the 10th full sibling, people still don't have a blank cheque to be utter dicks.
[/quote]
Well yeah exactly. All babies should be celebrated.

Dss dm is completely unpredictable and violent. She has assaulted dh on a number of occasions and can be verbally abusive to him and me. Sometimes she's happy and chatty and you'd think completely normal.

She doesn't get to come into my house. She once made dss show her round my house (including my bedroom) on a video call. It felt so intrusive. I dgaf if dss would like her to come in, his wants don't trump mine. When he's an adult and has his own house he can choose who can visit him in his house. Whilst he's a child he doesn't get that veto.

I agree that it feels really intrusive when SC wander around the house doing video calls with their mum. There’s no reason why they can’t do that in their room.

If my children and I are doing… well anything… in our home, we don’t want to be on display to my husband’s ex. The SC are not harmed by just talking to their mum in their room.

In fact, it’s useful for them to learn about boundaries.

We have video calls all over both houses and I couldn’t be less interested in either my SC’s mum’s house or my ExH’s new house. Similarly they tend to wander about here which is perfectly reasonable as the WiFi in SC’s room is a bit patchy sometimes.

@Magda72 yes I agree as a first wife (and the impending second for my DP) it baffles the shit out of me how and why people behave this way and the amount of people here supporting the ex wife in this situation. 'she may need to use the toilet' Im pretty sure she can wait until she get home? The majority of parents do not live miles and miles away from each other. 'she may need to collect a sick child' she likely won't though in my 21 years of parenting my child has never been that poorly. Everyone reaching for an excuse. I don't particularly want to go into my ex husbands home with his new partner it is not my place and despite it making her uncomfortable it makes me uncomfortable. There is literally no need I even manage the 60 min round trip without need for the toilet. Amazing isn't it.

It totally depends on the relationship IMO. When I met DH I was totally open to having a friendly relationship with Ex-W and wouldn't have minded her coming into the house in the event she ever did PU or DO (she never has!).

But quite quickly I learned that every little bit of information she acquired would be nosed into and used against us in some way, so absolutely over my dead body would she be getting a foot over the threshold now!

Draw your boundaries and hold them OP.

@Vie8126
You are totally missing a significant part of this tale. There is nothing suggesting that the ex has any feelings or desires related to entering the OP's potential house. She quite possibly has no feelings no way or the other.

The fact situation is that the OP's partner has stated that he as a full and equal investor in the property expects to have an equal say in who he is free to have enter the house for which he pays his equal share.

The real issue is that these people do not seem to be able to come to any mutually agreeable resolution. When people cannot or do not find ways to reach agreement and compromise ( regardless of the nature of the disagreement) that is usually a good indicator that they probably should not live together. Having s child together does not make you in any ways compatible. That is simply an indicator that impregnation occurred. It has absolutely nothing to do with love, compatibility, or an ability to live together in any manner of harmony.

Pregnancy is a condition. It is not an illness. It does not make one incapable of making joint decisions or reaching compromise.

In this case these people do not seem to be working towards any compromise . That compromise needs to be something that each of them can live with or an agreement to live apart. The existence of yet another child is not a reason for 2 incompatible people to live unhappily together.

The OP knows with certainty that she is unwilling to have his ex enter "her home." The partner knows with certainty that he can have a relationship with his child without being married to or living with the mother of his child. These people have neither married nor purchased the property together. They have time to remedy this situation without it ever becoming an issue. They can live apart in separate homes where neither is required to compromise their positions.

[quote Tattler2]@Vie8126
You are totally missing a significant part of this tale. There is nothing suggesting that the ex has any feelings or desires related to entering the OP's potential house. She quite possibly has no feelings no way or the other.

The fact situation is that the OP's partner has stated that he as a full and equal investor in the property expects to have an equal say in who he is free to have enter the house for which he pays his equal share.

The real issue is that these people do not seem to be able to come to any mutually agreeable resolution. When people cannot or do not find ways to reach agreement and compromise ( regardless of the nature of the disagreement) that is usually a good indicator that they probably should not live together. Having s child together does not make you in any ways compatible. That is simply an indicator that impregnation occurred. It has absolutely nothing to do with love, compatibility, or an ability to live together in any manner of harmony.

Pregnancy is a condition. It is not an illness. It does not make one incapable of making joint decisions or reaching compromise.

In this case these people do not seem to be working towards any compromise . That compromise needs to be something that each of them can live with or an agreement to live apart. The existence of yet another child is not a reason for 2 incompatible people to live unhappily together.

The OP knows with certainty that she is unwilling to have his ex enter "her home." The partner knows with certainty that he can have a relationship with his child without being married to or living with the mother of his child. These people have neither married nor purchased the property together. They have time to remedy this situation without it ever becoming an issue. They can live apart in separate homes where neither is required to compromise their positions.[/quote]
Why are you so weirdly intent that they should split?

This doesn't need to be a splitting up scenario.

No where has it been stated the OP's partner is not allowed in his ex's home. The Op said that he does not enter when picks up or drops off his child. That may be for convenience or preference, nor has it been stated that his ex has expresed any desire to enter the OP's potential house.

The only thing that has been stated is the partner's intention to leave entrance as an option in the house that he is expecting to purchase.

If they decide to live apart, the partner will probably allow entry into his home to the mothers of both his children.

@Tattler2

No where has it been stated the OP's partner is not allowed in his ex's home. The Op said that he does not enter when picks up or drops off his child. That may be for convenience or preference, nor has it been stated that his ex has expresed any desire to enter the OP's potential house.

The only thing that has been stated is the partner's intention to leave entrance as an option in the house that he is expecting to purchase.

If they decide to live apart, the partner will probably allow entry into his home to the mothers of both his children.

But they don't want to live apart! It's not a solution!

[quote Youseethethingis]@Getyourarseofffthequattro
It's not even about it being his first baby or not.
Even if it's the 10th full sibling, people still don't have a blank cheque to be utter dicks.
[/quote]
I agree. Every child should be treated as special.

@BeyondOurReef

I agree that it feels really intrusive when SC wander around the house doing video calls with their mum. There’s no reason why they can’t do that in their room.

If my children and I are doing… well anything… in our home, we don’t want to be on display to my husband’s ex. The SC are not harmed by just talking to their mum in their room.

In fact, it’s useful for them to learn about boundaries.

We had so many problems with this. It was really upsetting and I felt like my space had been invaded

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
When you cannot agree upon the terms under which you wish to live, living apart then becomes the only solution. Seemingly they have not been able to reach a mutual agreement.

The each have a right to live in the manner that is consistent with their beliefs and principles. To date, they seem not to have reached such an agreement. Maybe they will; maybe they won't.

In either case, it seems that the OP would probably be permitted entry into her partner's home. He seems to be of the opinion that it is reasonable to allow the mother/mothers of his child/children to enter into his home at least for pick/drop off. Neither mother may ever choose to exercise that entry, but his children will always know that their parents were capable of engaging in simple and routine civility.