Am I being unreasonable by not wanting my partners ex in our house we are buying together?

[catmum789]

I am pregnant with my first baby and my partner has a child already with his ex wife, we are in the process of buying a house together, 50/50 bills etc and I said that I didn't want his ex wife coming in to the house, I thought this was perfectly reasonable because it's my safe space where I will be raising my baby and I don't want to be on edge constantly that it has to be spotless so she doesn't come in and judge. (Also a side note, my partner doesn't go in to his ex's and her new partners house.) My partner then got annoyed with me and said I was being unreasonable but I don't think I am. help :(

@SpaceshiptoMars

Regardless of history, an about-to-be-first-time-mum deserves more than a smidgen of consideration. In a blended situation, this time is the most dangerous for the whole setup. If the ex is ever going to have a massive wobble and go off the rails, this will be that time.

Her DP should be listening to her. Her gut feelings are telling her this is not a safe situation. We ignore the gut feelings of those we love at our peril.

Agree.

Incidentally myself and a few other parents/step-parents don't allow their partner's ex-spouse into their home. Some of the people I know have been an ex-spouse for over 20 years and the children involved weren't not babies when the couples split up. In fact some of the children were adults.

There seems to be a weird issue on this board that people aren't allowed to have boundaries to ensure conflict doesn't occur now or in the future.

i do many things that make me uncomfortable but I still have to do them, as do most of us

But she doesn't have to do this. There is no reason she needs to do this.

What if the OPs step DC feel uncomfortable being around her newborn, will she keep the baby separate from them to stop their discomfort or tell them that sometimes we all have to come to terms with the fact that not everything revolves around our comfort.

What a fucking stupid comparison. They live pt with their sibling so yes there is a need to get over it. There is no need for the ex wife to enter ops home.

Meh. I think grown adults should show some maturity and model good relationships to children.

Simply saying you feel uncomfortable is not good enough in these circumstances. Not when there are children involved whose needs and development should be put first.

@NovemberRain2

Meh. I think grown adults should show some maturity and model good relationships to children.

Simply saying you feel uncomfortable is not good enough in these circumstances. Not when there are children involved whose needs and development should be put first.

It is not a need to have their mum there. It will not affect their development if handled well.

Do you think mum isn't modelling good relationships either as dad isn't allowed in her house or just op?

Not when there are children involved whose needs and development should be put first.

Well, it's a pity that the actual parents of the children didn't think that way when they parted. The forums here are full of LTB, but nobody stops to think that the children are going to be cared for by a succession of Dad's girlfriends before he finally settles down again.

@KurtWilde

It’s like telling someone with a severe allergy to peanuts that they should respect their partner’s preference to eat peanuts at home.

This is so silly. She's not allergic to the exw. Also people who have severe allergies avoid the cause themselves, they don't expect everyone around them to do the same. I'm allergic to a certain food but I've never stopped my DC from eating it because it's not their job to manage my allergies ffs.

There's a big trend at the moment about feeling 'uncomfortable'. I do many things that make me uncomfortable but I still have to do them, as do most of us. I don't get this whole every little discomfort must be pandered to. What if the OPs step DC feel uncomfortable being around her newborn, will she keep the baby separate from them to stop their discomfort or tell them that sometimes we all have to come to terms with the fact that not everything revolves around our comfort.

My DH has a severe peanut allergy and considerable anxiety over it. It costs me very little to consider him and decide that, actually, we just don’t have peanuts in the house.

If I want to eat a peanut butter brownie, I will do it at work. And brush my teeth rigorously afterwards.

In any case, I was responding to tattler’s weird logic that if you just don’t share each other’s views (in pretty much every way - and they aren’t a simple live and let live situation), you should just live apart. So my liking for peanut butter brownies should mean that I don’t live with DH (since he won’t live in a house with peanuts in the kitchen).

And it’s much better for the OP and the baby to not live with her husband than him to weigh up where the greater needs are and recognise that it’s his wife and baby. Like in my peanut free kitchen, it costs me very little to do what works for him. But insisting on my right to peanut butter would have much bigger consequences for him (and our relationship). Or I could just demand that we live separately on the basis that he won’t just accept my inclination towards peanut butter based snacks.

I would never have had my exh in my home. And after he trampled over my boundaries I stopped it. He could sit in the car.

My kids are adults now. He moved 3 years ago. I don’t have his new address. I moved a year ago and he’s still kicking off to the kids about wanting my address and trying to manipulate situations where he has to drop one of the now adult kids off at my door. Just because he feels he has the right to know where I live.

Sauce for the Goose etc.

He has new partner. I don’t.

He was abusive and I’m entitled to my safe space. And mock that all you like.

@NovemberRain2

Meh. I think grown adults should show some maturity and model good relationships to children.

Simply saying you feel uncomfortable is not good enough in these circumstances. Not when there are children involved whose needs and development should be put first.

Agree. But don't go having that opinion on here, people will tell you you hate step mums. I am a step mum, clearly I just do it differently to others.

And @Getyourarseofffthequattro Whilst not the same situation, if we're talking about feeling uncomfortable and having to get over yourself some times then yes, it's a legitimate comparison.

Kids in blended families have already had to adjust to things that may have made them uncomfortable, I don't see why the adults shouldn't be held to the same standards.

And I put my kids needs and development first by leaving their dad when the youngest was 3. She is almost 20 now and while I’ve had boyfriends I dated off and on I’ve never had any man in my house while my kids were there and I’ve never introduced them to anyone.

Getyourarseofffthequattro - yep I do think mum is in the wrong too

if we're talking about feeling uncomfortable and having to get over yourself some times then yes, it's a legitimate comparison

It's not a legitimate comparison. You're comparing something that HAS to happen with something that doesn't.

Not when there are children involved whose needs and development should be put first.

What is the need here? Why do they need mum in their dad's house?
As for development it's better for them to learn their parents are seperated and they have two homes now.

If they need mum and dad to have access to both their homes then they should have thought of that before the split.

@Waahingwashingwashing

I would never have had my exh in my home. And after he trampled over my boundaries I stopped it. He could sit in the car.

My kids are adults now. He moved 3 years ago. I don’t have his new address. I moved a year ago and he’s still kicking off to the kids about wanting my address and trying to manipulate situations where he has to drop one of the now adult kids off at my door. Just because he feels he has the right to know where I live.

Sauce for the Goose etc.

He has new partner. I don’t.

He was abusive and I’m entitled to my safe space. And mock that all you like.

I did say that there are exceptions where abuse has taken place.

I have panic attacks in the presence of my ex husband.

He and his wife are horrible to me.

How is it modelling good relationships for me to have to be in his presence?

@Waahingwashingwashing

I have panic attacks in the presence of my ex husband.

He and his wife are horrible to me.

How is it modelling good relationships for me to have to be in his presence?

If anything you are modelling excellent boundaries. I think that is a very useful skill to possess in life.

That’s what I think @Getyourarseofffthequattro.

I have worked very hard to have strong boundaries. No one - not even my ex husband who can dress it up as in the interests of the children - gets to cross those.

And just to add. My children are adults. Even they don’t get to tell me if my boundaries are what they consider appropriate.

The bottom line is - I get to decide my boundaries. If other people don’t like that that’s on them. Not me.

(Kids haven’t pushed it at all and have told their dad and his wife there’s no need for them to drop off at mine we can meet half way)

I just think it's totally unnecessary for ex partners to enter your house. Even young children they can be dropped at the door. My ex comes to the door to drop off or collect, I'd never invite him in for a cuppa. Equally, my step Children's mum doesn't come in. any discussions that have to be made can be done on the phone. Why the need to make everyone uncomfortable?!

I think it's fine. He doesn't go into her house, anyway. Just make sure SC are ready at the agreed time and say goodbye on the doorstep.

We used to have it this way but haven't recently, wish we'd kept it this way for exactly your reasons! Sometimes you don't want someone in your personal space every week, especially you're worried about tidying etc with a little baby. Totally reasonable.

The move is a good chance to reset this.

*Meh. I think grown adults should show some maturity and model good relationships to children.

Simply saying you feel uncomfortable is not good enough in these circumstances. Not when there are children involved whose needs and development should be put first.*
@NovemberRain2 this is quite frankly BS. As a pp has said 'needing' one parent to come into another parents house is not an actual requirement of any child.
My dc have often thanked me for 2 things:

1. maintaining a civil relationship with their dad &
2. maintaining boundaries with their dad. All 3 of them often remark on how most of their friends who have badly divorced/separated parents struggle with said parents not particularly getting on whilst simultaneously being way too familiar with each other & each other's lives. Love & Hate are flipsides of the same coin & the most successful coparenting relationships post split are those where both parties have reached a common neutrality & where they have a healthy lack of interest in each other. Feeling the need to enter an exes house says more about lack of closure in a relationship than it does any actual worry about the dc.

Totally understand your position, OP.

Some families remain friendly and this wouldn’t be an issue but for others it’s a problem. So don’t feel bad about your boundaries. It’s really not a huge thing for you to ask/expect.

I think you are totally justified in having the front door boundary. I had the same with DSS's mum. It was unspoken though. I did invite her in to use the toilet though as it was a long drive to get to us (the travel was shared)
We managed DSS's expectations of wanting to show his mum stuff by using FaceTime in his room.
I was fairly fixed on him not FaceTiming anywhere else in the house though because it felt intrusive and I just didn't like it. For my part though, DH totally agreed with this standpoint so I just wasn't an issue.
I think before you sign on the dotted line you need a very frank discussion with DP about boundaries including this one. It is your home - you get to decide who enters. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then he needs to suck it up.

The thing is, you can have a coparenting relationship and an ex free home. I’ve been thinking about this thread, and I’ve met ex (and his dp) for a brief coffee in a coffee shop when we’ve had things to discuss. Ds has shown his dad his bedroom on FaceTime, ditto I met his new puppy on video chat. We still stay out of each other’s houses.

The OP's partner may feel as strongly about the behavior that he wants to model for his children as the OP feels about her anxiety around the ex coming into her home.

Because the partner is not online expressing his feelings about the manner in which he wants to demonstrate civility between parents to his child, many are assuming that this is something that he takes lightly.

When my ex and I divorced , I stayed in the marital home, I never bothered to change the locks.I had no reason to distrust my ex and on many occasions he has had to let one or the other of the kids in to pick up some item that they needed from the house.

There seems to be an underlying feeling her that the OP's feelings matter more than the thoughts and feelings of her partner. I would assume that her partner is taking his stance for reasons that matter very much to him. He is expected to be an equal contributor to this property, surely, his feelings should be accorded the same consideration. A woman's / mother's feelings are no more nor less important than that of the man/father.

People who think that their thoughts or comfort should triumph that of their partner without significant dialogue and mutual agreement should probably live alone.

You’re probably just nesting. When it comes to it if she needs the loo or to see a sick kid or meet the baby or whatever I doubt it’ll be a biggie