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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to say goodbye to DSD?

120 replies

Lena007 · 30/10/2021 05:04

The decision has been made, I'm out the door.

This is going to be last weekend spent with DSD. She is 8. She is lovely and we do have a very nice, close relationship. I will miss her so much. She was the reason why I stayed longer than I should have.

You will possibly remember the thread from a few months ago about her dad insisting on sleeping with her. That has stopped but there are other relationship issues coming out the woodwork. Life is too short, it's just too much, so I'm out.

How do I speak to her? What do I say? I don't want to be blunt and say I'm leaving. I don't want to upset her. But at the same time I don't want her to think I have just disappeared and I don't care, because I do.

Her dad doesn't know, he will find out after this weekend. I don't know her mum, they live about half an hr drive from me so the chances I will ever see her again are slim. She doesn't have a phone so we will not stay in touch.

Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:

SherryPalmer · 30/10/2021 05:09

You should just leave and her dad should explain to her. It sounds like you intend to talk to her about it before you actually tell her dad you are leaving if he won’t find out until after the weekend.

Obsidiansphere · 30/10/2021 05:09

I haven’t seen your previous thread and can offer no advice, but you’ve obviously made the right decision and just want to give you some solidarity.

SuPerDoPer · 30/10/2021 05:15

Maybe write a short, simple letter or card explaining it and saying goodbye and ask her dad to give it to her? Or post it via her mum if you prefer?

ThirdElephant · 30/10/2021 05:23

I think you do need to actually say goodbye. Kids need closure on this sort of thing.

ThirdElephant · 30/10/2021 05:24

If there are safeguarding concerns, I'd also give her your number and email address and tell her you're there if she ever needs someone to talk to. Also make sure she knows how to contact childline, that it's free, safe, confidential and won't show up on phone bills.

Mintyt · 30/10/2021 05:29

I think I would leave a little card for her Dad to give her once you have left. A little note to say you love her, will miss her and she is very special to you. You could then leave your number for her to give to her mummy if she wants to call you she can,

starrynight21 · 30/10/2021 05:35

I'd write her a letter, and send it to her at her mother's house. I wouldn't trust your partner to give her anything - if this is going to be a surprise to him I'd imagine that he'll be pretty upset, and may not feel inclined to pass on a letter to her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2021 05:43

My first thoughts when I started reading your other thread is that you’ve not known her long and she will get over it. I’ve now read your posts on the other thread and I can see now why you’ve been such an important person in her life.

Telling your dsd about childline is a good idea. You could also sellotape your number to the underneath of a shelf in her wardrobe and show her it’s there in case she ever needs you.

I also think you should give her closure. You could leave a card with your number in it in her toys or underwear drawer saying goodbye, you love her and you are thinking about her. Include your number so she can call you if she ever needs you.

I’d also consider contacting the school so they can look out for any red flags. Even if there isn’t any sexual abuse, both parents are coercively controlling this little girl. Poor thing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2021 05:44

@starrynight21

This was also my initial thought. Having read the other thread, I’m not so sure her mum would pass the letter on either.

wtfisthisoneabout · 30/10/2021 05:48

Could you go to a teacher and talk it over? Get them to support her.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 30/10/2021 05:49

@wtfisthisoneabout

Could you go to a teacher and talk it over? Get them to support her.

I think that would be hugely overstepping and possible overstating the OPs importance in the girls life

tiggerwhocamefortea · 30/10/2021 05:53

You've "only" been together 18 months. Presumably you didn't meet the girl straight away either? You don't live together and by your own admission on your other post whilst you do spend time together most of her time is spent with her dad

I wonder if you are overthinking this massively? And certainly overthinking how much impact/influence you actually have had in this child's life?

After 18 months I don't think any great or grand leaving gesture is required.

Livebythecoast · 30/10/2021 05:56

I do think a little card or letter would be a good idea only because if you just leave, her father might say something to bad mouth you and she may feel it's her fault. Plus it gives you the chance to let her know how special she was to you.

Original poster

Lena007 · 30/10/2021 06:06

I'm not confident either of them will pass on the letter. I was thinking about sending a card to her mums address saying I'm so sorry I've never got a chance to say a goodbye. But there is still a chance she will never see it.

I will speak to her tomorrow and tell her that the school is her safe zone and adults there will help if there is anything wrong she can always speak to them. I will also tell her about child lines.

I want her to know she isn't the reason I'm leaving. Her mums ex bf left and DSD has been told he has left because of her, because she was there. I don't want her to think it is her fault again.

OP posts:

theculture · 30/10/2021 06:14

Who knows what the right thing to do it

If I were you given the situation I think I would do the same as you are planning which is try to look after her feelings and make sure she has access to your number - putting your number sellotaped to the drawer sounds good

I wouldn't tell her that you will leave next week as having that secret is a huge burden for her to carry, but rather 'things are going badly and it may happen so I wanted to make sure I had spoken to you in case .' Or something like that

Good luck

Original poster

Lena007 · 30/10/2021 06:14

@tiggerwhocamefortea

I exactly know how much impact I have on her life and how important our relationship is for her.

If me leaving wouldn't affect her in any way, I would simply disappear.

OP posts:

Riverlee · 30/10/2021 06:25

Can you get her a small present, plus a card. Ie. A nice teddy, Include your contact details so she can call you if you need to. Maybe explain that you leaving has nothing to do with her, but you no longer feel able to live with her dad, because the relationship no longer is working.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2021 06:30

@Riverlee

Ooh that’s a good idea. Teddy with a pyjama zip hole. Leave the teddy in a place she will find but her dad won’t look. Put a note and your number in there saying the Teddy is there to cuddle her because you are not…. And leave your number sellotaped to the underneath of a shelf of her wardrobe and in here drawer as back up.

wtfisthisoneabout · 30/10/2021 06:30

18 months in a child's life is huge! She'll always remember "Dad's girlfriend Lena". It's grownups who think of a year or two as nothing or are dismissive towards these things.

My dh remembers his dad's girlfriends - now that he's older and they're no contact due to his dads abuse, he recognises how some of them stuck their neck out for him etc.

WholeClassKeptIn · 30/10/2021 06:36

18 months is huge. I had a difficult childhood and got attached to any kind adult. There is one I still miss.

Definitely say goodbye. I completely see you are doing the right thing by leaving but it is also so hard for a child without safe parents to lose a kind adult. Devastating.

I wish for her she could contact you or have someone else she genuinely trusts to speak to. Can she arrange to see a pastoral person at school?

I wouldnt call childline as I didnt belive I was abused 🙄🤔.

Original poster

Lena007 · 30/10/2021 06:40

Present with a note that the teddy is for cuddles when I'm not there, and sellotaping phone number somewhere in her room are brilliant ideas.
I think it will be the best way. I could also give her a book or one of these fancy notepads and put my number there.

Thank you!

OP posts:

WholeClassKeptIn · 30/10/2021 06:43

((((((Lena))))) you sound so lovely.

MimiDaisy11 · 30/10/2021 06:43

You've "only" been together 18 months

If this was about an adult relationship or a teenager then yes but for children it’s a long time and can shape them. Bonds made in that time can mean a lot. There’s a reason it’s advised not to introduce a partner to your children so soon.

MimiDaisy11 · 30/10/2021 06:45

Sorry for your situation OP. It seems tough but I see you’ve got some good ideas. All the best!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2021 06:51

Yes, give her the note book as well. But do be aware that kids here age are often swamped with fancy pads and pens a birthdays and Christmas so it would need to be special / obvious. You could go out this weekend together, get some foam letters and personalise it together and slip your number inside it - at the back. Write it together iyswim.

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