Page 5 | How to say goodbye to DSD?

Lena007 · 2021-10-30T04:04:41+00:00

The decision has been made, I'm out the door. This is going to be last weekend spent with DSD. She is 8. She is lovely and we do have a very nice, close relationship. I will miss her so much. She was the reason why I stayed longer than I should have. You will possibly remember the thread from a few months ago about her dad insisting on sleeping with her. That has stopped but there are other relationship issues coming out the woodwork. Life is too short, it's just too much, so I'm out. How do I speak to her? What do I say? I don't want to be blunt and say I'm leaving. I don't want to upset her. But at the same time I don't want her to think I have just disappeared and I don't care, because I do. Her dad doesn't know, he will find out after this weekend. I don't know her mum, they live about half an hr drive from me so the chances I will ever see her again are slim. She doesn't have a phone so we will not stay in touch. Has anyone got any advice?

whynotwhatknot · 30/10/2021 12:36

I cant find your other threads what are the safeguarding concerns

ponkydonkey · 30/10/2021 12:41

I remember your previous thread... and I think you absolutely should let her know you're going and why you stayed so long... also the chat about school and adults who will help her is a very good idea too

Good luck OP and you are doing the right thing

Original poster

Lena007 · 30/10/2021 15:08

@invisiblecats thats brilliant idea about writing something nice in a diary. I'm heading to the shops soon and hopefully I'll find something nice.

Thank you everyone for taking time to share your ideas and experiences.

I would never want her to get in trouble from her parents, or having to get questioned, having to lie, having the burden of keeping secrets. That's why it needs to be handled without actually telling her what is going to happen. If she finds out before I'm gone she will get upset and her dad will find out.

I will speak to her about her needs, about how others have to respect them, that if something wrong ever happens the school is her safe place with people who will help her. We can talk about friendships, relationships. We usually talk about all sorts of things so it will not be unusual. Plus a nice diary/ notepad to write some nice things down, shared memories.

Saying goodbye without saying goodbye.

There is so much to consider here but I hope it still can be done right.

OP posts:

SueSaid · 30/10/2021 16:16

'I will speak to her about her needs, about how others have to respect them, that if something wrong ever happens the school is her safe place with people who will help her. We can talk about friendships, relationships. '

With respect, this is not your place. I'm sure her own dm is more than able to talk to her about this stuff. You've been her dad's girlfriend of just over a year. You don't live with them, you aren't her dsm.

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 16:42

If you haven't been with dad for long then I'd try not to overthink it. If you make too big a deal out of it it will become a big deal if that makes sense. A diary or nice notebook is a nice idea. With a simple message that says it's been nice to have been in her life and you wish her well.

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 16:44

And I'd let the school know you have concerns if you haven't already

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 16:47

Telling your dsd about childline is a good idea. You could also sellotape your number to the underneath of a shelf in her wardrobe and show her it’s there in case she ever needs you.

Don't stick secret notes and numbers. This is it OP, you're walking away now so you can't be there to rescue her unfortunately. Tell whoever you can. And maybe a leaflet with their number on that could have legitimately come from school.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/10/2021 16:59

@JaniieJones

'I will speak to her about her needs, about how others have to respect them, that if something wrong ever happens the school is her safe place with people who will help her. We can talk about friendships, relationships. '

With respect, this is not your place. I'm sure her own dm is more than able to talk to her about this stuff. You've been her dad's girlfriend of just over a year. You don't live with them, you aren't her dsm.

Apparently not.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/10/2021 17:00

The mother being capable, that is. She isn't.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 30/10/2021 17:07

Good for you for trying to make this better for her OP, and good luck.

candlelightsatdawn · 30/10/2021 17:19

I remember the original post and if I remember correctly I would absolutely be saying something to DSD

For people saying this isn't OPs place - I would genuinely have a read of the original post because that post was really concerning re her partners (now ex partners actions) and as a responsible adult we have a duty to keep a child safe or enable them to access points of safety if their parents are failing in that area and the child is at risk of abuse in the home. That post really unsettled me just from a mum perspective as it was borderline abuse.

The advice your have gotten here is so solid re writing a little note. I'm for one glad your leaving your partner and I'm so sorry you haven't been able to save her or change his behaviours for the benefit of the child.

This poor girl. She will remember you defending her wishes, I promise.

candlelightsatdawn · 30/10/2021 17:23

@JaniieJones

You've only been with this dp 1.5 years and you live separately, I wouldn't call a boyfriend's dc a dsc in that situation to be honest. Do you not think your overplaying your relationship here? The only 'safeguarding issues' seem to be ones you've invented. Sleeping in the same room as a parent is ok.

Speak to your dp, split up with him like a grown up. Then ask him to explain everything to his dc. Please ignore all the secret notes in teddies nonsense. She's 8. She'll have another 'dsm' in no time.

They weren't invented DSD was uncomfortable sleeping next to her dad and at a age when actually it would give most people pause. She wanted to sleep alone in her own room and her dad forced her to and that is so creepy.

Any adult should be saying to that guy dude not normal. Stop slating the op for raising a really valid concern on behalf of a child that was essentially being controlled/emotionally blackmailed by a adult based on his wishes.

The guy sounds like a creep tbh

SueSaid · 30/10/2021 17:37

'The mother being capable, that is. She isn't.'

Previous threads just say the dm is a bit shouty with her ex. Not uncommon is it. I must've missed the not capable bit.

I'm all for stepmums having an important role in their dscs lives. Short term girlfriends who don't even live with the rp aren't really in the best place to do all the excessive over analysing the op does.

Suggesting she has a big secret leaving discussion inc books and diaries with the poor kid is just wtf of epic proportions.

It's a cliche but reads like total protection imo. The ops previous abusive relationship and issues with her own dc seem to be clouding her judgement/encouraging her to 'fix' a situation where the dc has a perfectly adequate dm she can talk to.

SueSaid · 30/10/2021 17:37

Nrp*

Becca19962014 · 30/10/2021 18:39

If the DM is so adequate why did she think her child of 8 sleeping in the same bed as her ex, with no say in it, acceptable?!

No adult should fine that acceptable.
We all have a duty to protect.
18 minutes or 18 months is irrelevant.

Original poster

Lena007 · 30/10/2021 22:28

@JaniieJones
Previous threads do not give a full picture but only details relevant to the issue I came across.
If I thought the situation is fixable, as you say, I would have stayed.

It is you who have 'excessively over analysed' the situation, my role in it and my judgement without knowing a fraction of what is going on, without knowing people involved and without knowing reasons behind the decision to leave.

Maybe if you were in my shoes you would just up and walk out the door leaving her behind. But this is not something I would even consider doing. Yes, she may have another DSM in no time and if she moves on I will be happy for her. I don't feel the need to be in her life after I leave but I want her to be safe and happy.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 31/10/2021 05:34

I will speak to her about her needs, about how others have to respect them, that if something wrong ever happens the school is her safe place with people who will help her. We can talk about friendships, relationships. We usually talk about all sorts of things so it will not be unusual. Plus a nice diary/ notepad to write some nice things down, shared memories.

Please add something explicit about keeping secrets. Tell her no matter how awful something may seem, no matter how worried she may be about getting someone in trouble, no matter how close to someone she is, if something happens that isn't right, she can disclose it to a teacher or medical professional.

Also speak directly about the problem of feeling shame about things said or done to her by others. Tell her that she is not responsible for adults' choices or actions.

Tell her that these things do not define he - she is the one who gets to define who she is, and she is only responsible for herself.

I really, really urge you to talk to the school safeguarding person about everything you have seen in this child's dysfunctional family.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/10/2021 08:38

"Previous threads just say the dm is a bit shouty with her ex. Not uncommon is it. I must've missed the not capable bit."

I think the mum's capability can be called into question when she blames her DD to her face for mum's boyfriend leaving.

RedMarauder · 31/10/2021 18:59

@JaniieJones

'I will speak to her about her needs, about how others have to respect them, that if something wrong ever happens the school is her safe place with people who will help her. We can talk about friendships, relationships. '

With respect, this is not your place. I'm sure her own dm is more than able to talk to her about this stuff. You've been her dad's girlfriend of just over a year. You don't live with them, you aren't her dsm.

Unfortunately it is the OP place but the child is too young to stay in touch with her.

I know adults who said without the influence of their then step-parent - either one of their parents boyfriend or girlfriend - when they were between 10-14 they would have gone of the rails. That step-parent split up from their parent because of that parent's behaviour.

Due to being over 10 they could stay in touch with them on their own.

Regardless all adults should tell kids, particularly with useless parents, they need to talk to adults in their school.

Pompypomypomp · 12/11/2021 19:37

Hi op, did you say goodbye?