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Original poster

How to say goodbye to DSD?

120 replies

Lena007 · 30/10/2021 05:04

The decision has been made, I'm out the door.

This is going to be last weekend spent with DSD. She is 8. She is lovely and we do have a very nice, close relationship. I will miss her so much. She was the reason why I stayed longer than I should have.

You will possibly remember the thread from a few months ago about her dad insisting on sleeping with her. That has stopped but there are other relationship issues coming out the woodwork. Life is too short, it's just too much, so I'm out.

How do I speak to her? What do I say? I don't want to be blunt and say I'm leaving. I don't want to upset her. But at the same time I don't want her to think I have just disappeared and I don't care, because I do.

Her dad doesn't know, he will find out after this weekend. I don't know her mum, they live about half an hr drive from me so the chances I will ever see her again are slim. She doesn't have a phone so we will not stay in touch.

Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
WholeClassKeptIn · 30/10/2021 06:52

I think I'd go book. Wont get lost in the same way . Is there a story book you loved from her age you could share with her? And yes phone number on back page or soemthing not obvious.

Also think though - if she phones you what will you do?

WTF475878237NC · 30/10/2021 06:54

Some lovely ideas on here. Saying goodbye is so important. Children can be really traumatised by an adult just disappearing from their life and as others have said if you can't trust either parent to explain it wasn't her fault and support her to mourn your loss, it's even more crucial you talk to her yourself.

amazeandastonish · 30/10/2021 07:26

If she's only 8, will she be able to phone you? and what exactly would you do if she just phones for a chat? Are you happy to keep being that involved throughout her life?

Words · 30/10/2021 07:27

This is so kind and thoughtful of you. Some lovely ideas here.

For those minimising the impact OP has had - just reflect that she has known this little girl for almost a quarter of the child's life. The equivalent of five years for someone aged 20. So yes, the impact will large.

This thread has brought back memories from my own childhood when a kind relative I was very close to suddenly left our home with me being given no warning or preparation by my parents. I still recall the journey to the railway station, and picking tiny bobbles of wool from her jumper on the way. I kept them for years. It still brings a lump to my throat fifty years later.

So in short OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing here- for you, by leaving the relationship, and for the little girl, by preparing and comforting her.

All the best to you.Thanks

mathanxiety · 30/10/2021 07:29

I saw your other threads. Her parents don't deserve her.

I think you should talk to the safeguarding head in her school and describe what she's been through. The fact that her mother blamed her for making her new partner leave is horrible. Her father's ideas warrant flagging.

I think you need to talk to her personally. Maybe arrange a time you can see her alone in a cafe. Talk to her about safety, boundaries, her rights, and that she can advocate for herself and contact you any time. Ask her to put your number in her contacts list whenever she gets a phone of her own. Tell her she can talk to the safeguarding person in school any time, and tell her who that person is.

I agree a teddy would be a good way to hide a phone number, or on a page of a spacial hardcover book. Maybe write your number in whatever page number is her birthday.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 30/10/2021 07:40

Absolutely do not give her any hint that you are leaving. You would be putting her in a dangerous position. Her father may well question her about whether she knew. Closure is important, but safety is more important.

Leaving a teddy for her to find after you have gone is a much better idea. Be careful about notes though. Her father may well find them. I would suggest a teddy and a fairly bland card. I know there is lots you want to say, but it's putting her at risk if her father thinks that she has been disloyal.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/10/2021 07:42

Either a notebook, or perhaps one of those toys that have a zip pocket for putting child-type precious things in - you could put a note in there, and your phone number if you want to.

I think it's lovely that you care enough to let her know it's not in any way her fault.

arcof · 30/10/2021 07:44

Will the dad allow contact with her?

SparklyGlasses · 30/10/2021 07:48

I think leaving a special book and writing a message plus phone number in the front cover (or slip a card into it) and leaving it in her room, somewhere she would notice but her dad may not? I think it's a lovely idea and the fact that her parents may not act in her best interests (especially as she was told she was the reason for her mums bf leaving) makes it essential to at least try.

MeridianB · 30/10/2021 07:49

I remember your other thread and it sounds like you’ve made the right decision.

Some nice ideas here about letting her know you care. Not sure which ones are right as only you know if this is about closure for her or offering her longer term support. Good luck 💐

Pinkorangutan · 30/10/2021 08:05

@mathanxiety

I saw your other threads. Her parents don't deserve her.

I think you should talk to the safeguarding head in her school and describe what she's been through. The fact that her mother blamed her for making her new partner leave is horrible. Her father's ideas warrant flagging.

I think you need to talk to her personally. Maybe arrange a time you can see her alone in a cafe. Talk to her about safety, boundaries, her rights, and that she can advocate for herself and contact you any time. Ask her to put your number in her contacts list whenever she gets a phone of her own. Tell her she can talk to the safeguarding person in school any time, and tell her who that person is.

I agree a teddy would be a good way to hide a phone number, or on a page of a spacial hardcover book. Maybe write your number in whatever page number is her birthday.

All of this.
Tumbleweed101 · 30/10/2021 08:09

I haven’t seen the other thread but if you have safeguarding concerns then I would definitely tell the school if you are no longer going to be there to ensure other adults are aware of the concerns.

And yes, she needs a goodbye otherwise she will wonder what happened for the rest of her life.

MrsWombat · 30/10/2021 08:12

Talk to her school.

Make yourself really obvious to find on social media too.

SueSaid · 30/10/2021 08:14

Her df doesn't know? Do you mean you are telling her before him, because if so that is not right.

You tell your dp first then the pair of you (not just you with notes or books) sit down and briefly explain you won't be there on a weekend anymore when she stays. 8 yr olds need simplicity.

LizzieSiddal · 30/10/2021 08:18

I haven’t seen the other thread but if you have safeguarding concerns then I would definitely tell the school if you are no longer going to be there to ensure other adults are aware of the concerns.

This!! It’s all very well cellotaping your phone number to a shelf (a ridiculous idea I feel, what if a parent finds it, the child may be accused of knowing it was there, or putting it there themselves) but OP you MUST tell someone either at school or SS. Please don’t just leave without making sure another adult knows what’s going on.

WholeClassKeptIn · 30/10/2021 08:18

Oh yes and please please do talk to the school.

Say it is a safeguarding issue and they will ring you.

Outline some of what is going on at home.
Tell them about your role and that you are leaving. And that youre concerned.

Safeguarding isn't "just" about physical safety - and there are various areas of support school can put in plsce if they know.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 30/10/2021 08:20

I also think you should contact the school and share your safeguarding concerns. They won’t talk to you, but they can read a letter and act however they see fit. I absolutely disagree that this would be overstepping.

TopCatsTopHat · 30/10/2021 08:21

@Mummyoflittledragon

My first thoughts when I started reading your other thread is that you’ve not known her long and she will get over it. I’ve now read your posts on the other thread and I can see now why you’ve been such an important person in her life.

Telling your dsd about childline is a good idea. You could also sellotape your number to the underneath of a shelf in her wardrobe and show her it’s there in case she ever needs you.

I also think you should give her closure. You could leave a card with your number in it in her toys or underwear drawer saying goodbye, you love her and you are thinking about her. Include your number so she can call you if she ever needs you.

I’d also consider contacting the school so they can look out for any red flags. Even if there isn’t any sexual abuse, both parents are coercively controlling this little girl. Poor thing.

This in spades, I couldn't close the door without this being done. Flowers
Sittinginthesand · 30/10/2021 08:27

I haven’t read your other threads but in speaking to the school you will be doing more for her than leaving secret phone numbers that she can’t use and might be found. Definitely don’t tell her your leaving before you tell her dad!

unicornsarereal72 · 30/10/2021 08:35

It's lovely that you care so much. I'm not sure how best to approach this. My dad had several failed relationships after my mum. I just rolled with it. People come and go

My daughter was seeing dads girlfriend eow (50% of these were cancelled) for 3 years. The relationship ended. And I had to explain to her that sadly these things happen after she wasn't there for a visit etc. She hasn't once asked after her since then, although dad moved in With new gf 4 weeks later.

You know you situation best for what you feel comfortable with.

nitsandwormsdodger · 30/10/2021 08:42

Please email the school with any. Concerns v v important
Phone call if you don’t want a paper trail

SueSaid · 30/10/2021 08:54

What are these safeguarding concerns the op may have? I cba to trawl old threads and any relevant info should be included in the op.

If it was just the dc slept in the same room, that is not a safeguarding concern. He was putting the needs of his dc first if she was scared/unsettled.

As a pp said gfs will come and go so please don't do any secret notes zipped in teddies ideas. Your dp/exdp needs to tell her you’ve left and if you have actual concerns ring ss, not school.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 30/10/2021 08:58

I couldn't close the door without this being done

I hope you would not put your own feelings before a child's safety?

The priority is the child's welfare, not the OP's feelings. Ideas like leaving Childline's number in her room may put her at risk. Agree with all those saying to tell the school.

andweallsingalong · 30/10/2021 09:12

I haven't read the other threads but judging from the responses on here I would tell the school and childrens services your concerns NOW. If you wait until after you leave mum and dad will just say it's revenge as dad left you and that will have a certain amount of credibility with children's services because if you're so concerned why didn't you say something 18 months ago.

invisiblecats · 30/10/2021 09:12

I don't think I would have found my number selotaped to anywhere in my room!

Will you get time with her?

Maybe get a journal and play a game where you write nice things about each other in it. Make it light hearted. Tell her it's her book for writing thoughts in.

Don't tell her you're leaving, just write some nice things for her. Tell her how you feel about her. Tell her this is the real truth and if anyone ever tells her different, she can read what's in the book.

Write your number in it and tell her if she ever wants to send you a message she can, especially when she's older and gets a phone.

And then, talk to the school about what you've witnessed. That's the best thing you can do for her.