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Original poster

How to say goodbye to DSD?

120 replies

Lena007 · 30/10/2021 05:04

The decision has been made, I'm out the door.

This is going to be last weekend spent with DSD. She is 8. She is lovely and we do have a very nice, close relationship. I will miss her so much. She was the reason why I stayed longer than I should have.

You will possibly remember the thread from a few months ago about her dad insisting on sleeping with her. That has stopped but there are other relationship issues coming out the woodwork. Life is too short, it's just too much, so I'm out.

How do I speak to her? What do I say? I don't want to be blunt and say I'm leaving. I don't want to upset her. But at the same time I don't want her to think I have just disappeared and I don't care, because I do.

Her dad doesn't know, he will find out after this weekend. I don't know her mum, they live about half an hr drive from me so the chances I will ever see her again are slim. She doesn't have a phone so we will not stay in touch.

Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
TrueRefuge · 30/10/2021 09:20

I think these ideas of a teddy with a secret zip to store your contact details will be so special and just right for the situation. And write a short note that explains (in child friendly language) why you left and that it's about you, not her. And that you'll always be there for her. Leave your email address as well as number, as number more likely to change over the next years than email.

You sound like a wonderful person OP.

Hopefully you can find her on social media in 10 years time and maybe you can be back in her life to be a support and develop your own relationship as adults. I know I would have found that so special in her circumstances.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 30/10/2021 09:45

Oh this is so sad. 💐 i completely understand why you’ve stayed longer than you should.

Definitely don’t leave without talking to her. That would be incredibly cruel and could affect her negatively for years.

The ideas and suggestions you’ve had are great. Wishing you all the best.

Truthlikeness · 30/10/2021 09:45

I wish I knew the answer to this. My ex-husband left me (though I technically had to move out) and he had a daughter of the same age who I'd known for 5 years (lived mostly with her mother). I could never work out what to do. I never spoke to her about the split - it happened over a fairly lengthy time as he drip fed the fact he was seeing someone else - so I assumed he had done that.
I thought I might maintain contact (I got on well with her mother) but in the end I was in so much pain and I thought - she already has a mother who is not with her father and now he's now with someone else. Does she really need another random woman in her life? So I just faded away and I've had no contact with any of them for the last 14 years. She's now an adult and I do wonder from time to time about her.

nevernomore · 30/10/2021 09:53

I can't believe people are suggesting just leaving a note and being gone.
That's a shitty thing to do to another adult, let alone a child.
She deserves the respect of a conversation, a chance to ask questions or express her emotions.

Heronwatcher · 30/10/2021 09:59

Could you go for a coffee/ hot chocolate and talk about it in the abstract- if me and your dad decided that we didn’t want to be together we might not see each other very much, but it wouldn’t mean that I don’t love you etc? Or do you think she would work it out? I think that having the conversation with her about speaking to a teacher if she’s in trouble or phoning childline would be a good idea anyway.

Pumpkinsondisplay · 30/10/2021 10:00

Please please say goodbye to her yourself...
My and now exh and sf of my dc moved out (thrown out!).. He didn't even say goodbye to my dc.. 3,5 and 6..
The youngest cried every night for 13 weeks.
Twat of a man.
Whatever you say won't lessen the blow but she will have some sort of closure.
And I saw your other threads. You are doing the right thing op. Imo.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 30/10/2021 10:05

@nevernomore

I can't believe people are suggesting just leaving a note and being gone. That's a shitty thing to do to another adult, let alone a child. She deserves the respect of a conversation, a chance to ask questions or express her emotions.
Have you missed the safeguarding concerns? It's a much shittier thing to put a child at risk, because her father may take it out on her. It is also incredibly shitty to make a child keep a huge secret like the fact her Dad's partner is planning to leave.
C8H10N4O2 · 30/10/2021 10:05

@nevernomore

I can't believe people are suggesting just leaving a note and being gone. That's a shitty thing to do to another adult, let alone a child. She deserves the respect of a conversation, a chance to ask questions or express her emotions.
Its about the child's safety first and foremost.
TopCatsTopHat · 30/10/2021 10:06

@nevernomore

I can't believe people are suggesting just leaving a note and being gone. That's a shitty thing to do to another adult, let alone a child. She deserves the respect of a conversation, a chance to ask questions or express her emotions.
I agree, this would lessen any damage. Sounds like she has enough to cope with and if at least one adult in her life behaves with decency right to the end it will give her hope and a guiding light through the mire.
Bananarama21 · 30/10/2021 10:10

I haven't read the other thread but if you have safeguarding concerns please report them it could make a difference to this girls life and atleast the report has been put on file, especially if anything else is reported by other agencies or people.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 30/10/2021 10:12

You always get a lot of preening from posters on these threads: I'm such a wonderful/sensitive/special person, that I could never do something tough. But sometimes the tough thing to do is the best, kindest and safest option for all concerned.

If this were not an abusive situation, it would be different. Of course it would be twatty to leave without saying goodbye, if there would be no repercussions for the DSD. But, sadly, that is not the case. How do these sentimental Oh, I couldn't possibly leave without saying goodbye types think that a highly controlling man is likely to react, if he thinks his DD has been conspiring with the woman who has just rejected him? Use your brains, People.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 30/10/2021 10:14

I agree that it’s not safe to tell her your actual plans - that would be grossly unfair and also dangerous, but that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to her first. You can say goodbye without saying goodbye, IYSWIM.

TopCatsTopHat · 30/10/2021 10:24

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

You always get a lot of preening from posters on these threads: I'm such a wonderful/sensitive/special person, that I could never do something tough. But sometimes the tough thing to do is the best, kindest and safest option for all concerned.

If this were not an abusive situation, it would be different. Of course it would be twatty to leave without saying goodbye, if there would be no repercussions for the DSD. But, sadly, that is not the case. How do these sentimental Oh, I couldn't possibly leave without saying goodbye types think that a highly controlling man is likely to react, if he thinks his DD has been conspiring with the woman who has just rejected him? Use your brains, People.

You're right. I have posted replies that would fit what you say here, but this thread hasn't outlined dangers (I didn't read op's other thread) so I didn't feel I could comment on that part. So I added what I think would be ideal in the knowledge that op knows the full extent of the situation and can filter 'ideal' through the lens of the reality of things as she knows it. Maybe that is wrong, encouraging op to do something unsuitable but she sounds so switched on I felt that validating it was right to care and try to leave well was also valuable given she is in a stressful situation. I wasn't preening but can see why a post such as mine might seem that way to some.
Mummyratbag · 30/10/2021 10:24

Buy her an address book and help her start writing in it? Say "oh can I put my phone number in it?" Or maybe a diary with a lock and put a message/number in the back? If you are sure she will keep it locked put the number for Childline in it too?

I would definitely contact the school/SS.

TopCatsTopHat · 30/10/2021 10:25

Anyway, op, sorry if posts like mine make you feel like you should take unwise risks. I think it is important a child like this is protected and you should leave as well as you possibly can under the circumstances. It sounds heartbreaking.

flatvimto · 30/10/2021 10:29

Making the child keep a big secret is first of all a burden for her, and secondly a danger in case she lets slip accidentally or dad finds out that she knew as she will take the blame. Teaching children to keep secrets is not a good precedent as who knows what else she might be made to keep secret.

nevernomore · 30/10/2021 10:34

Have you missed the safeguarding concerns? It's a much shittier thing to put a child at risk, because her father may take it out on her. It is also incredibly shitty to make a child keep a huge secret like the fact her Dad's partner is planning to leave

I read all of OPs posts on this thread (not all the replies, just her posts) and she does not outline safeguarding concerns. She also concludes that she will talk to the child.

I agree the child should not be keeping secrets from her father.

1idea · 30/10/2021 10:34

Are you easy to find on social media etc if she wanted to find you in the future? As an adult I’ve reached out to people to help them make sense of my childhood experiences. Does she know your full name? Wishing you all the very best for escaping this relationship

CalamariGames · 30/10/2021 10:35

I haven't read the other thread but it sounds like there are safeguarding concerns if we are talking about hiding a phone number for her to find in secret because of how her dad might react and it sounds like her mum is not to be relied on. That sounds like a bad situation for a young child to be in, she shouldn't need to make secret phonecalls. I agree with reporting your concerns, you can't just leave her to deal with this alone.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 30/10/2021 10:39

You absolutely shouldn't be leaving her a note or numbers, that's a really terrible position to put the poor child in. That will put her in the position of either telling her parents or having to keep it a secret.

If she tells them the help any letter would give will be undone, possibly made worse, and if she doesn't she will have the burden of lying all the time to deal with.

Spend time with her this weekend op, make the most of it, then leave and contact the school and SS, don't do it anonymously, make sure you give your name and the relationship and report everything.

I would then keep an eye out in a few years on FB or whatever social media is the thing then and if/when she pops up explain everything then.

Kiduknot · 30/10/2021 10:42

@Heronwatcher

Could you go for a coffee/ hot chocolate and talk about it in the abstract- if me and your dad decided that we didn’t want to be together we might not see each other very much, but it wouldn’t mean that I don’t love you etc? Or do you think she would work it out? I think that having the conversation with her about speaking to a teacher if she’s in trouble or phoning childline would be a good idea anyway.
This, especially if it’s just before she goes home, or perhaps you could take her to the park and get back just before hometime - and then plan to talk to your partner immediately after. So if she does let something slip, she’ll be immediately out if the way. You can then be honest with him and say you’ve just told her, so that he knows she wasn’t complicit in it all.

Perhaps the teddy too.

Noname1999 · 30/10/2021 10:44

Don't have her keep your secret or leave anything secret. Not a good idea at all with the safeguarding concerns. Like other posters have suggested say goodbye without saying goodbye.

Also, please express your concerns to the school or social services. That way there's a record and they can make the decision of anything needs to happen going forward.

Flowers
WeeTattieBogle · 30/10/2021 10:50

Op, any gift you leave foe the wee girl is going to be examined by her mum and dad. It’s just human nature. So, I think I’d find a way to speak to her before you leave or actually tell her dad you’re leaving so you can explain to her that you’re not leaving her.

I’m not sure how you’d be able to leave her info about childline and safe spaces if you can’t even find a way to put her mind at rest as to why your not going to be there anymore.

It all sounds very dramatic when it may just not have to be.

whatnumber · 30/10/2021 10:56

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

You absolutely shouldn't be leaving her a note or numbers, that's a really terrible position to put the poor child in. That will put her in the position of either telling her parents or having to keep it a secret.

If she tells them the help any letter would give will be undone, possibly made worse, and if she doesn't she will have the burden of lying all the time to deal with.

Spend time with her this weekend op, make the most of it, then leave and contact the school and SS, don't do it anonymously, make sure you give your name and the relationship and report everything.

I would then keep an eye out in a few years on FB or whatever social media is the thing then and if/when she pops up explain everything then.

This, absolutely. Don't confuse her or put her at risk by telling her. You could buy her a teddy for cuddles but don't hide anything in it.
Catawaul · 30/10/2021 10:56

Please don't leave hidden notes and secret phone numbers.