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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to say goodbye to DSD?

120 replies

Lena007 · 30/10/2021 05:04

The decision has been made, I'm out the door.

This is going to be last weekend spent with DSD. She is 8. She is lovely and we do have a very nice, close relationship. I will miss her so much. She was the reason why I stayed longer than I should have.

You will possibly remember the thread from a few months ago about her dad insisting on sleeping with her. That has stopped but there are other relationship issues coming out the woodwork. Life is too short, it's just too much, so I'm out.

How do I speak to her? What do I say? I don't want to be blunt and say I'm leaving. I don't want to upset her. But at the same time I don't want her to think I have just disappeared and I don't care, because I do.

Her dad doesn't know, he will find out after this weekend. I don't know her mum, they live about half an hr drive from me so the chances I will ever see her again are slim. She doesn't have a phone so we will not stay in touch.

Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:

SausageSizzle · 30/10/2021 10:57

This might sound like a silly idea, but in your shoes I would take DSD out, tell her in person, and send an email or leave a letter for your partner splitting up with him while you're out with DSD. So he gets told at the same time as her but you're not there to vent to. It doesn't really sound like he deserves to be told in person, especially if he's likely to get aggressive with you. I'd have a bag packed, come back to drop DSD off and then leave without talking to him.

Sittinginthesand · 30/10/2021 10:57

What ABC said. This isn’t a game. Leaving a phone number for a child without a phone is ridiculous and inappropriate - she should be told to tell her teachers if she is ever worried about anything. Not be given the burden of a secret (a potentially risky one) that isn’t use anyway. What would op even do if the poor little girl did phone her?

Becca19962014 · 30/10/2021 10:57

The thing is this will cause the child issues. If she’s already been blamed for a relationship breakdown she’ll likely feel the same way about this and already be attached, eighteen months is a long time for a child.

It’s a impossible situation.

I’ve been the child where people tried to help by giving me their contact details and they were found - such parents will go through EVERYTHING in order to protect themselves and take it out on the child. I had my head bounced off a wall after mine found a hidden letter from an aunt.

It’s a very hard existence to explain.

Sittinginthesand · 30/10/2021 10:59

Sausage - really? U think op should take the potentially upset child back to the potentially angry man and leave her? Think before you write, this is important stuff!

lljkk · 30/10/2021 11:01

I wouldn't do anything like secret contact notes. That could blow up.

Some kind of special but vague chat about "You are a wonderful person. No matter what happens, you will always be close to my heart" is the best you can do.

careerchangeperhaps · 30/10/2021 11:01

I'd hide a little card or note in her room. Somewhere she won't find it immediately but will do in time. Just so she knows that you didn't just abandon her.

Lovemusic33 · 30/10/2021 11:02

I know it’s hard (I have been there but didn’t get the choice to say goodbye) but I think it’s best you say nothing and leave it to her dad to explain. You need to try not to think about how she will feel when you are gone, she will get over it, probably quicker than you think but I’m sure she will always remember you and the time you spent together. Kids have a different way of processing things, it’s probably going to be more upsetting for you than her.

I still wonder about my ex’s dc but I’m sure they no longer think about me. For me splitting with ex was easier than leaving the dc, and I still often feel guilty but there was no other way unless o stayed in an abusive relationship and put my own kids mental health at risk. You are doing the right thing.

georgarina · 30/10/2021 11:03

There's no info on this thread but if as others have suggested there are safeguarding concerns it would be a terrible idea to leave a secret phone number anywhere. My parents would not have let me keep anything like that gift or it would have been fully looked through and I would have been punished/it would have confirmed their paranoia to find a secret note or phone number.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 30/10/2021 11:04

Agree, no hidden notes or numbers. You really cannot put her at risk of repercussions. Some of the ideas are great - taking her out, giving her a teddy bear, talking to her about talking to a teacher at school if she ever needs help, etc. Very important that you don’t advocate or encourage keeping secrets, that’s a real safeguarding risk.

jamandmarmalade · 30/10/2021 11:06

@Lena007

I'm not confident either of them will pass on the letter. I was thinking about sending a card to her mums address saying I'm so sorry I've never got a chance to say a goodbye. But there is still a chance she will never see it.

I will speak to her tomorrow and tell her that the school is her safe zone and adults there will help if there is anything wrong she can always speak to them. I will also tell her about child lines.

I want her to know she isn't the reason I'm leaving. Her mums ex bf left and DSD has been told he has left because of her, because she was there. I don't want her to think it is her fault again.

the only way you will get peace of mind is if you sit her down on her own and tell her. Do not rely on either of her parents they could say anything. This is your one chance for her to hear it from the horses mouth.

She will have the opportunity to ask you any questions and you can allay any fears she has.

She deserves the truth from you and not anyone else's version of the truth.

TurnUpTurnip · 30/10/2021 11:10

What are the safe guarding concerns then as op doesn’t actually say she’s leaving because of them she says she’s leaving because of “other relationship issues” ?

Becca19962014 · 30/10/2021 11:11

@georgarina this was, sadly, my experience.

Face to face is only option realistically BUT that too could be a problem if she says the wrong thing, knows before him..

SausageSizzle · 30/10/2021 11:12

@Sittinginthesand. Another option would be to offer to drop her back at her mum's and tell her on the way.

jamandmarmalade · 30/10/2021 11:19

She needs to know from you that this not her fault. You sound like the one stable force in her life. She deserves the truth. No secrets. No hidden telephone numbers just the chance for her to be heard so she isn't left wondering why?

Her parents have done a number on her. She deserves honesty from you that is the kindest thing you can do for her and a hug goodbye if that's what she wants. If you don't do it in person there will always be doubt and it does sound like you really care about her welfare past present and future.

You are a good stepmum.

TaraR2020 · 30/10/2021 11:20

Op you need to find a way talk to her directly , anything else will just mess with her head.

MacMahon · 30/10/2021 11:24

Just disappearing and leaving it to her dad to explain is not good advice. If you can say 'goodbye' do so.

Tell her a couple of lovely memories you have and that you're happy you got to spend some of your lives together.

Do not make promises to stay in touch if that is unlikely. It's ok for an ending to be an ending.

The idea of a transition object such as a teddy or notebook is a good one.

This is a rare and important opportunity for you, an adult, to model a healthy ending to a child.

ManifestingWisdom · 30/10/2021 11:27

@SuPerDoPer

Maybe write a short, simple letter or card explaining it and saying goodbye and ask her dad to give it to her? Or post it via her mum if you prefer?

I agree with this. SAY it but also leave her a card so that she knows she didn't misunderstand you. This is sad. xxx

MargaretThursday · 30/10/2021 11:38

@wtfisthisoneabout

18 months in a child's life is huge! She'll always remember "Dad's girlfriend Lena". It's grownups who think of a year or two as nothing or are dismissive towards these things.

My dh remembers his dad's girlfriends - now that he's older and they're no contact due to his dads abuse, he recognises how some of them stuck their neck out for him etc.

Yes, but remembering them and being desperately upset.

It's not quite the same: I have a young uncle. I remember a couple of his girlfriends with great affection. We saw some of them a lot. I remember one who bought me some shiny shells from abroad, and took me out alone for the day (which was very exciting at that age, because it was always me and either brother or sister, being the middle child!), and how one of them did craft with me...

However when he moved on, I remember a brief feeling of sadness and that was it. His wife, I do remember looking a bit sideways at the first time she'd visited because I had been particularly fond of the previous girlfriend, but by the time she left I was over it and thought she was wonderful (and she still is!)

If you think there's abuse then you need to report it. Leaving her a phone number without parents' permission could land you in hot water, even though you're trying to be nice.
An 8yo would probably find it hard to use a phone without parents being aware in some form, so if she used it, then it could easily come out.

I think the little card in her drawer for her to find next time is a nice idea. Focus on you love her, it's not her fault, and don't write anything negative about either of her parents. If you think she might want to talk put childline's number as "someone you can talk to at any time about anything".

itsallgoingpearshaped · 30/10/2021 11:50

@Lena007

I will speak to her tomorrow and tell her that the school is her safe zone and adults there will help if there is anything wrong she can always speak to them. I will also tell her about child lines.

I want her to know she isn't the reason I'm leaving. Her mums ex bf left and DSD has been told he has left because of her, because she was there. I don't want her to think it is her fault again.

Because she has been unfairly blamed for past partners leaving, I would contact her school safeguarding lead and tell them this and ask if they can talk to her and give them your contact details if she wants them. Or at least a letter and reassurance that she is not the reason you're leaving.

starfishmummy · 30/10/2021 11:56

You can't give her any hint that you are leaving before you do it - if you are as close as you say she's going to get upset which means her father will find out.

Tigersauros · 30/10/2021 12:09

This is so sad :(((... Good luck op and to your DSD...

SueSaid · 30/10/2021 12:17

You've only been with this dp 1.5 years and you live separately, I wouldn't call a boyfriend's dc a dsc in that situation to be honest. Do you not think your overplaying your relationship here? The only 'safeguarding issues' seem to be ones you've invented. Sleeping in the same room as a parent is ok.

Speak to your dp, split up with him like a grown up. Then ask him to explain everything to his dc. Please ignore all the secret notes in teddies nonsense. She's 8. She'll have another 'dsm' in no time.

TurnUpTurnip · 30/10/2021 12:20

That’s the only safe guarding that’s been mentioned that he sleeps in the same room as her? My 7 year old comes in my bed to sleep all the time

RainbowConnection1 · 30/10/2021 12:32

The dad insisted he sleep with his daughter and wouldn't hear of the idea of her sleeping in her own bed despite her wanting to have her own bed and room. Dad was so determined to share a bed with his daughter that the OP either had to sleep in another room or on the couch.

She ended up calling the NSPCC and it was only with their support that the daughter got her room and bed. The father barely slept the first night she slept on that room as he was so sure she'd want him in her bed.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 30/10/2021 12:33

I tell my granddaughter 'Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, know that your grandma hopes you are safe and happy and that things are going well for you.'

Her mother and I are both volatile people. If our relationship implodes, the little one already knows how I feel about her. To be fair, dd could apply the same sentiment - I'd still hope for the best for her, even if we didn't speak.

Perhaps you could tell dsd something like that.

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