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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner bringing up exs child that isn't his

114 replies

tiredmummy98 · 23/10/2021 22:27

My ex was with his partner when she fell pregnant.

long story short
The baby was not his. (They broke up and she fell pregnant with someone else and when he found out he got back together with her)
He stayed and brought the baby up as his own child and the baby is now 8.
They split up when he was 3. The child even calls him daddy!

but basically
To this day he still gives his ex money every week towards the child, she even asks him every week for it if he forgets to send it! and even he has the child every weekend all weekend.

I think he is a great man for bringing this child up as his own, but the issue is.... when I am around them both he completely changes,

I have a little boy myself from a previous relationship and we both live with my partner but I feel he is completely different towards me and my son to how he is with the little girl. There isn't as much love towards us as there is towards the little girl.

At home he doesn't usually clean up much, doesn't make dinner or do anything much but when his exs child around he changes!
He cleans, he cooks, he acts so perfect. Except towards me! He is also rude towards me infront of his exs child. And I feel uncomfortable being around them both with the way he speaks to me.

I'm not sure what to do as I love him, he is good to me as a partner should be! and I know he loves the girl too. But I'm just tired of him acting so different around me when the child is around.

I try to make her feel welcome, make her dinner, play games with her, take her out shopping etc but his attitude towards me infront of her is really getting me down. I'm not sure why he does it because I try to be my best when she's around :/

It's gotten unbearable I avoid being in the same room as much as I can when she comes over incase something gets said.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 23/10/2021 22:30

Split up.
Don't hang around
If he was not married to her and has not legally adopted child he has no parental rights
Does he know that?

DandyHighwayWoman · 23/10/2021 22:33

No he’s really not ‘good’ to you. Do the best thing for you and your son and leave this man

DifferentHair · 23/10/2021 22:35

The girl is irrelevant, don't focus on her.

Your partner doesn't regularly contribute to basic household tasks like cooking and cleaning. He is regularly rude and dismissive of you.

He's not a good partner at all.

Leave him because he's not respecting you. The child has nothing to do with it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2021 22:36

It’s nothing to do with this child though is it. He’s behaving horribly towards you and you should expect better, for yourself and your own child. Why on Earth are you putting up with someone who doesn’t cook or clean and is rude to you?! Why why why?

Your son is watching this, every day, and he’s learning this is how men behave. Is that all he’s worth and deserves?

The step daughter is completely irrelevant beyond showing you he’s making a choice when she’s not around to be a dick. He could be nice and useful all the time and he’s choosing not to. He’s doing that because he doesn’t seem to like or respect you much.

Please, please want better for your son and for yourself.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/10/2021 22:38

It's not about the child, that is irrelevant. Your problem is that you have a partner who is so rude that you try to avoid being in a room with him.

You need to leave immediately, because you have a child who is experiencing this environment.

Fireflygal · 23/10/2021 22:41

I would be very wary of a man who changes when other people are around. It's a red flag as it shows he has a mask.

How long have you been together?

CallMeNutribullet · 23/10/2021 22:44

You're very focused on this being his ex's child, him paying maintaining etc etc. As far as he's concerned this little girl is his daughter even though she's not biologically his.
The important thing is that he's treating you badly and that should be a reason to leave. It's not his daughter's fault.

Lou98 · 23/10/2021 22:47

There isn't as much love towards us as there is towards the little girl.

With all due respect to this bit, I love my child more than anyone else - my partner included (although he is my sons dad). Just because he's not biologically the girls dad doesn't mean he isn't. He loves his child the same way you love your son, he's been her dad since day 1.
It sounds as though you think he shouldn't be treating this girl as if she was his own.

Although as a separate issue to that, he should never be treating you the way you've said, that wouldn't be acceptable regardless of her being biologically his or not. If he's treating you like that at any time, regardless of who's there or not, then he's not "good to you" and that's the issues you need to address. It's nothing to do with his daughter

Pandaly · 23/10/2021 23:07

He is also rude towards me infront of his exs child. And I feel uncomfortable being around them both with the way he speaks to me. I'd leave him just for this to be honest.

Pinkspecs · 23/10/2021 23:08

You seem really put out he is bringing up this child.
He's been doing it for 8 years he would be wrong to just stop now.
The way you constantly refer to her as his ex's child instead of his daughter makes it seem you have some real issues there I think I would be annoyed if I were him to be honest.
You can't seem to accept her as his daughter.

Other than that yes being rude to you doesn't sound nice and yes only cooking and cleaning when she is there but that has nothing to do with the daughter herself. More to do with him as a person.
You don't sound suited.

HollowTalk · 23/10/2021 23:09

He is treating you very badly and if I were you I would get out of there. How did you not notice this before you moved in?

ItsAllComingBackToMe · 23/10/2021 23:12

If done at sound like a good relationship at all. He's a shit boyfriend who doesn't treat you well at all and he's not even nice to you. Confused

It doesn't sound like either of you like each other very much and you certainly don't like his child.

Tattler2 · 23/10/2021 23:41

OP perhaps your relationship is meant to be a purely romantic relationship where you spend time together but live apart.

It does not sound as though he sees your relationship as a type of blended or family unit. You are his girlfriend who happens to have a son. He may care about you in a romantic or companionship way,but it does not sound as though he has an thoughts about you and your son in a family way.

There is nothing wrong with this. Most men tend to start off looking for a friend, lover, etc. When dating most do not start off looking for a ready made family. In you he mar have found that friend and lover ,and he may neither need nor want anymore than that.

If your expectations are different, he is probably not the man for you.

His relationship with the child both emotional and financial has nothing to do with you, and you are not advancing your situation by looking at the circumstances of her conception nor his agreement with her mom as related to finances. It does not sound as though he is asking you to contribute to the financial up keep of the child and he may think that his prior agreements have nothing to do with you.

If you are unhappy in this situation, you should not live with this man.

candlelightsatdawn · 24/10/2021 08:16

Agreeing with @Tattler2 here actually, with a added bolt on.

I suspect you already live with this man (correct me if I'm wrong) . I suspect your looking at time spent with this man as a sunk fallacy (google that) and now your invested and spent a certain amount of time with him you think you can't make a clean break, so your asking him to change something that's always been his daughter.

The thing is that time spent in sink fallacy will make you allow things you wouldn't have allowed on beginning. Aka being unkind, clearing up after him ect.

I wonder if your not feeling bit jealous of how kind he is to his daughter and comparing, going why can't he be kind to me (no judgment there btw on that topic) like he is with her.

Some people aren't suited to live together tatter has a point, but I would say the unkindness and general putting down in front of any child yours or his as a big no no regardless of whether they live together . Most parents don't do that to each other as they respect each other and would not allow the children to mimic that.

Run 🏃‍♀️ run 🏃‍♀️ run 🏃‍♀️

Umbalala · 24/10/2021 08:31

‘The child’ ‘his exes child’ ‘the little girl’ - his daughter you mean? This would be a red flag in your attitude towards his child in my opinion. You sound jealous.

Chunkymenrock · 24/10/2021 08:34

What has he said when you've spoken to him about it?

Muttly · 24/10/2021 08:42

I see exactly why the child is relevant to this for you. It is completely confusing for you that he is capable for being a good person in one context and yet behaves really shittily towards you. That is what you are trying to understand and what you are trying to reconcile. But that is what you are dealing with. He is human so he is capable of all of the spectrum of human emotions and behaviours but for whatever reason he chooses to behave shittily towards you and reserves the good stuff for his step daughter. There is some deep rooted reasons for his behaviour towards you. You should not be trying to be the detective figuring that out rather you should be investigating what in your life has caused you to put up with that behaviour and addressing that.

Polmuggle · 24/10/2021 08:50

Nothing in your post is relevant except this

At home he doesn't usually clean up much, doesn't make dinner or do anything much but when his exs child around he changes! He cleans, he cooks, he acts so perfect. Except towards me! He is also rude towards me infront of his exs child. And I feel uncomfortable being around them both with the way he speaks to me

No, he isn't good to you, nor does he love you, nor is he a good partner.

always2tired · 24/10/2021 08:55

Why do you refer to the child as a boy in the start of your post and then change it to girl? Is this post even real?

Lovelymincepies · 24/10/2021 09:07

You’ve set your bar way too low if you think he’s a good partner.

Your child is watching this Nan treat you disrespectfully, be lazy around the home but more importantly treat him differently.

Leave for your child’s and your own sake.

Fdksyihfd · 24/10/2021 09:31

The fact that the girl isn’t biologically his is irrelevant to be honest; the overriding fact is that he’s rude to you in front of her and I’m not sure how I can see it working

Username7521 · 24/10/2021 09:41

Being her dad doesn’t mean they have to be related in blood.
I cant believe your focusing on this little girl to be the issue in your relationship when the issue is with your partner.
If he can’t do his fair share around the house and is rude to you then if that’s a deal breaker leave (to be clear, it would be a deal breaker for me)

TwinsandTrifle · 24/10/2021 09:42

I get it OP. There are two children that aren't biologically his. One he jumps through hoops for. The other he treats differently. And it stings because the one he treats well is completely voluntary, from an ex 8 years ago, and the one he treats poorly is the one he lives with, from you, a woman he is supposed to love.

Both children aren't his. Yet his only focus is the one that also isn't from his partner.

I get why you'd be upset. I think anyone would be, it's not you, it's because of the way he treats your child, you just want the same respect.

And if you say anything, you're the nasty cow who's obviously got a problem with an 8yr old girl, I bet. No, you've got a problem with the way he treats you and your son in comparison.

He will not change, and will gaslight you that you are nasty and jealous, when all you're asking for is the same respect he can clearly show to others.

He's not the one for you. And it's not you, he'll do it to anyone else as well if they had a child.

Kiduknot · 24/10/2021 09:46

You didn’t need to even mention she isn’t his. That’s irrelevant as, as far as he is concerned she is. Has he picked up on this resentment and that’s why he’s changed?

Obviously his behaviour is unacceptable - unless it’s in response to your feelings about the situation?

RedMarauder · 24/10/2021 09:53

@Umbalala

‘The child’ ‘his exes child’ ‘the little girl’ - his daughter you mean? This would be a red flag in your attitude towards his child in my opinion. You sound jealous.
Are you deliberately being obtuse or just want to be nasty because the OP is a de facto step-mother?

This isn't about jealousy it is about the OP not understanding why a man who can care properly for a child that isn't biologically related to him is being a shit partner to her.