Partner bringing up exs child that isn't his

[tiredmummy98]

My ex was with his partner when she fell pregnant.

long story short
The baby was not his. (They broke up and she fell pregnant with someone else and when he found out he got back together with her)
He stayed and brought the baby up as his own child and the baby is now 8.
They split up when he was 3. The child even calls him daddy!

but basically
To this day he still gives his ex money every week towards the child, she even asks him every week for it if he forgets to send it! and even he has the child every weekend all weekend.

I think he is a great man for bringing this child up as his own, but the issue is.... when I am around them both he completely changes,

I have a little boy myself from a previous relationship and we both live with my partner but I feel he is completely different towards me and my son to how he is with the little girl. There isn't as much love towards us as there is towards the little girl.

At home he doesn't usually clean up much, doesn't make dinner or do anything much but when his exs child around he changes!
He cleans, he cooks, he acts so perfect. Except towards me! He is also rude towards me infront of his exs child. And I feel uncomfortable being around them both with the way he speaks to me.

I'm not sure what to do as I love him, he is good to me as a partner should be! and I know he loves the girl too. But I'm just tired of him acting so different around me when the child is around.

I try to make her feel welcome, make her dinner, play games with her, take her out shopping etc but his attitude towards me infront of her is really getting me down. I'm not sure why he does it because I try to be my best when she's around :/

It's gotten unbearable I avoid being in the same room as much as I can when she comes over incase something gets said.

It give me the ick he lied to OP about it. It's one of those things that your allowed to go yes not for me, he took that choice away. How is that honourable.

He knows that by being involved with a stepchild/a child he passes off as his own it makes him less desirable to women and this probably bothers him. That’s why he lied because he knows there is a big chance women will run a mile if they knew his circumstances. And I can’t blame them!

@funinthesun19
A man who is capable of supporting himself and adequately supporting a child that he thinks of as his own is not a man that all dating partners would look at negatively.

When I re-entered the dating pool, I was perfectly capable of supporting myself and I along with my children's father supported them.

I was not looking for a husband; I was not looking for a father for my children. I owned my own home and did not need a financial partner. I was looking for a companion with whom I could enjoy social activities, good conversation, and a possibly loving relationship. None of those things made it necessary for me to have any say or input into how he allocated his financial resources. I was his friend,dating companion, later his lover and again none of those stages made me anyone who should have any input into how he spent the money that he earned and never once did he think that he should have any say or input into how I spent or allocated my resources.

When the status of our relationship changed to one in which we decided to consider marriage only then did we discuss what joint financial arrangements would we make as a couple each having children of our own.

Neither of us would have ever been presumptuous enough to think in a dating stage that we should have had any say in finances or most other aspects of each others life.

If we had observed or discovered things that we found to be off putting we would probably have just ended the dating relationship.

I suppose things may be different if you are looking at every dating partner as a possible spouse from day one. I think that there should be a substantial commitment on the part of both parties before you feel that you should have any say about the other parties finances, parenting ,etc.

If your dating partner is only looking for a compatible companion, interesting conversationalist, possible lover,etc , they may not be looking for anyone with whom they wish to blend financial resources nor might they be looking for a parent of any sort for their children. Nor are they necessarily looking to be a step parent to any child that you might have.

The OP in

I suppose things may be different if you are looking at every dating partner as a possible spouse from day one.

If I was looking just for a companion, no intimate relationship involved, I would agree. But once there is intimacy, it becomes more difficult to extract yourself. So, for me, due diligence in the early stages makes sense.

Potential complications in this case would bother me a lot. This man is deeply emotionally connected to a child he has no parental rights over, and who he is deceiving. Does he has any recourse to the courts if the mother decides she doesn't like his girlfriend? (Who is named as father on the child's birth certificate?)

If he becomes unable to pay the maintenance, what then? Will the mother withhold access unless the gf stumps up the money? Will she increase her financial demands because he now has a gf? Will she threaten to tell the child this man is not her father to force him to dance to her tune?

All the potential problems with an ex on the scene, but magnified ten fold.

@funinthesun19 totally agree but what I can't wrap my heads around are the people praising him for participating and lying to this child and hailing him as some type of hero.

If he had been honest with op and with daughter ok fine your money do what you like.

This is a big thing to lie over and I wonder what else he's happy to lie about tbh

@SpaceshiptoMars I agree.

I've met men who do pay for their step-children but they are crystal clear to everyone the child is a step-child and the child knows their "dad" is their step-dad.

In the cases where the couple have split up the child is at least a teen who is able to keep in touch with their "dad" themselves. (In some cases they are the adult they have chosen to live with.)

This case sends major red flags due to the lies and deception.

A man who is capable of supporting himself and adequately supporting a child that he thinks of as his own is not a man that all dating partners would look at negatively.

No I didn’t mean all women. I know some women would be cool with it. Some women would even find the bloke amazing (god knows why).
But if his relationship with OP doesn’t work out, there is no denying that compared to other men out there he will be a lot less likely to get a second date. That’s if he’s actually honest of course. He just wants the best of both worlds but he needs to accept that he can’t have it that way. I would be running for the hills if I came across a man in his position. He’d be an instant write off because I’m of the opinion that a first date could lead to a second and then a relationship and so on. For me, there would be absolutely no point in continuing with a man who has stepchild because I wouldn’t want to potentially be a part of that in the future. A man with biological children is enough of a put off. His situation is a whole other level.

@funinthesun19 totally agree but what I can't wrap my heads around are the people praising him for participating and lying to this child and hailing him as some type of hero.
It’s awful. He shouldn’t be lying to the child. She has the right to know who her dad is and who her dad isn’t. One day it will all come out and then what?

@SpaceshiptoMars
To me intimacy is only tied to finances in a certain kind of relationship and it is one in which intimacy is tied to payment. My partner is not buying my affection and there is nothing in a loving relationship that says that I should have any say in how he spends his money if I am just his romantic partner.

I would never have gotten involved with my husband had he at any point prior to our getting married attempted to tell me how I should or should not be allocating my financial resources. Even now we have an agreement about how much money we each put into our joint kitty and beyond that any information is electively shared, Neither of us would presume to tell the other what or how to provide for or give to their children.

If the OP's partner thinks of the child as his daughter and wants to contribute to her support , as long as he does not expect the OP to make the same contribution, it really is not a matter in which she should have any say. If she disapproves , she has found an issue which makes them incompatible. The solution is to leave the incompatible relationship. You do not blame your partner for being incompatible wIth you; instead you recognize the. Incompatibility and move on to a more compatible relationship.

I

@Tattler2 agreed but you know op partner lied right off the bat. As a female I wouldn't rule out a bloke with kids (I would rule out one who had kids and didn't support them emotionally or financially though) it would give me pause.

What would be a massive betrayal would be to find out it's all some living sham that I would have to be complicit in a lie to a child that would be damaging to that child when that child finds out.

I sure as hell would and do judge this man for taking the choice to actively step away before feelings got involved for lying to op and and to the child. Emotions however we all try to pretend are not logical. Once they are there it's not always as simple as it once was to disengage. Not that op can't, but he's made it that much harder, which is what he was relying on. So I think the judgement she's giving to her OH is fair and warranted. He caused this mess.

I actively dislike anyone that preys on peoples nature to attach to something once they have spent time energy into that thing, making it harder to leave. It speaks to character of this man not to the character of the op for having the emotions.

She's angry at OH not at the kid but sometimes that takes a outsider to see that.

@Tattler2
You are looking at this situation more from the financial point of view. I'm looking at it as a giant mess that I wouldn't want to be sucked into. The potential for blackmail, moral and financial, would have me running for the hills. Not to mention the fallout when the truth comes out.

If the DP had legally acquired parental rights, and there was a legal agreement about maintenance and access, and the child knew the real relationship - different ball game altogether. This situation only benefits the mother and everyone else is a hostage to fortune.

Your partner is an arsehole and he treats you like crap.
Dump him.
Demonstrate to your own child that this is not how you treat people or how you deserve to be treated by people. Dump him.

If the DP had legally acquired parental rights, and there was a legal agreement about maintenance and access, and the child knew the real relationship - different ball game altogether. This situation only benefits the mother and everyone else is a hostage to fortune.

Absolutely spot on.
My brother has legally acquired parental rights of who were originally his stepchildren. They are his children just as much as his biological ones are.
His children know who their biological father is, but my brother is their father in every sense of the word apart from biologically. As you say, it’s a whole different ball game. He’s legally their father. This man is not.

If the DP had legally acquired parental rights, and there was a legal agreement about maintenance and access, and the child knew the real relationship - different ball game altogether.

There doesn't need to be a legal agreement about maintenance and access as long as the first and last points are covered.

As once you have parental rights you can have informal agreements on maintenance and access.

@Umbalala

‘The child’ ‘his exes child’ ‘the little girl’ - his daughter you mean? This would be a red flag in your attitude towards his child in my opinion. You sound jealous.

That's your takeaway???

he is good to me as a partner should be No he really isnt

When I met my exDH my daughter was 4, he raised her as his own...we went on to have 2 more kids and then divorced. He treated my daughter the same as his own 2 children. He had 50/50 custody of all 3....paid for her, he never adopted her but saw himself as her father and never stopped loving her. He is now remarried and she is still treated the same as her siblings.

Your partner being horrible to you is nothing to do with this child, who he clearly sees as his own. The issue is that he doesn't pitch in and doesn't treat you ir your child well. That's what you need to tackle