Partner bringing up exs child that isn't his

[tiredmummy98]

My ex was with his partner when she fell pregnant.

long story short
The baby was not his. (They broke up and she fell pregnant with someone else and when he found out he got back together with her)
He stayed and brought the baby up as his own child and the baby is now 8.
They split up when he was 3. The child even calls him daddy!

but basically
To this day he still gives his ex money every week towards the child, she even asks him every week for it if he forgets to send it! and even he has the child every weekend all weekend.

I think he is a great man for bringing this child up as his own, but the issue is.... when I am around them both he completely changes,

I have a little boy myself from a previous relationship and we both live with my partner but I feel he is completely different towards me and my son to how he is with the little girl. There isn't as much love towards us as there is towards the little girl.

At home he doesn't usually clean up much, doesn't make dinner or do anything much but when his exs child around he changes!
He cleans, he cooks, he acts so perfect. Except towards me! He is also rude towards me infront of his exs child. And I feel uncomfortable being around them both with the way he speaks to me.

I'm not sure what to do as I love him, he is good to me as a partner should be! and I know he loves the girl too. But I'm just tired of him acting so different around me when the child is around.

I try to make her feel welcome, make her dinner, play games with her, take her out shopping etc but his attitude towards me infront of her is really getting me down. I'm not sure why he does it because I try to be my best when she's around :/

It's gotten unbearable I avoid being in the same room as much as I can when she comes over incase something gets said.

@hg165

This isn't about jealousy it is about the OP not understanding why a man who can care properly for a child that isn't biologically related to him is being a shit partner to her.

His attitude only seems to change when OP and his DD are both there. That mixed with the fact the jealousy and resentment that OPs post is dripping with has lead us to question if her partners attitude is a result of this

This isn't about jealousy it is about the OP not understanding why a man who can care properly for a child that isn't biologically related to him is being a shit partner to her.

So adoptive parents can’t be shit partners? Step parents can’t be shit partners? OP’s post is dripping with hostility towards her partners daughter. And yes, I am a step parent.

"Can't roll my eyes hard enough at the people pecking away at you for mentioning she is not biologically his.

That's a big thing for any partner to get their head around, and potentially has practical implications on his behaviour. It's incredibly naive to think a partner in this situation will have zero thoughts on the situation. If you make a decision like taking on an ex's child that isn't yours, you need to be prepared for the fact that future partners will have feelings about it, especially if you make the situation strained for them."

People are pecking because all she does is refer to this child as his ex's child, therefore putting distance in between the father and daughter like he isn't her Dad I myself would be really cross if I had brought up a child for 8 years and my partner referred to her like that.

He has been the child's Dad since she was born, he hasn't all of a sudden decided to take the child on, they have been split up since she was 3 the child is in his eyes and hers is his daughter.
It's something that OP has to get her head around and accept, infact it's something she should have thought about 3 years ago when she first got with him.

People are perfectly capable of adopting children as their own and if a partner can't accept that then they aren't the one for them.
Same way for anyone in a relationship with kids if people can't accept certain aspects of someone's life with their children they aren't the one for them.

@Umbalala

complicating your life and then making your girlfriend suffer because of it

Just wow. Is this is your view on adopting a child? Or just raising a child who isn’t biologically your own?

Ugh, it's really not worth a "wow".

No it isn't my view on formally adopting children.

But navigating the emotions involved in your partner having a child with his ex and the various different consequences for future relationships, especially when those consequences are your partner treating you badly, is a minefield at the best of times and most people that aren't robots will have thoughts about it, some of which might at times be ugly. It's made even more complicated emotionally when it isn't their child and this is something they chose, but that's legally unconventional and not something they have no choice about. Obligations, what becomes family money going out all the time, conflict with the ex, all these things will feel different when you know he doesn't have PR and it's a situation he chose. Him treating you badly, will feel more of an affront because he chose to put himself in that position and now he thinks it's ok to inflict unpleasantness on you as a result.

And then of course, there's the practical reasons to mention it - such as the contrast it puts between how he treats this child and OPs, and the potential that her NOT being his and his subsequent precarious position in her life is actually causing him to behave worse than he would if the child were his own.

I'm being realistic. The faux outrage that such a thought would cross someone's mind is naive and annoying.

I wish people could realise what they were actually saying.

Here's two scenarios. Note two. As predictably will make it all about one. Even though you need both for context.

1). DS is 13. DTwins are 2. Biologically there's no difference. I've known DS 11yrs longer.

2. I have DSD from an ex of 8 years. I have DSS with my partner of 3. Biologically there's no difference. I've known DSD 5 years longer.

So, in scenario 1, it's ok that I choose to treat DTwins like second class citizens, because I've had longer to bond with DS.

Because apparently in scenario 2, that's how I'm absolutely allowed to treat DSS.

And if his mother thinks me openly treating DSS like a second class citizen isn't ok, well, clearly she's just jealous of my brilliant DSD. Best take her "entitled" self elsewhere.

It’s really not that complicated.
He raised her as his own, to him, she is his daughter. He is all she’s ever known and to her, he is her father.

Would a piece of paper from court for PR or a formal adoption change the fact they see each other as father/daughter?

A partner who cannot empathise with that fact and shows thinly veiled hostility is not emotionally mature enough to be in that situation.

He’s mad paying for a stranger’s child and you’re mad for putting up with it. Get out now.

@Umbalala if you actually read all of my post instead of just picking parts of it to respond to.
Not once have I said I have a problem with her being in his life.

The issue I do have is how he acts different towards me and my DS and how he acts lazy at home when the DSS is NOT around.
But when DSS IS around he acts like a different person. Towards myself and in our home.

Ok so you have had a bit of a smashing here op and I think unfairly tbh. To be clear I would some fairly down right negative feelings if I was in the same situation especially if this only happened around the child. I would be pointing that out too very bluntly since all children should have equal equity. One child is not above the other ect.

Being a step parent (which you are Defacto btw) means treading a very thin line but you have to absolutely have the teeth to discipline a child if necessary. However if your partner is on the ball you won't have to do that so never have to use your teeth . Your partner seems to be against you doing that - do you know why ? You can't make the situation work if your hands are tied behind your back. These situations are hard enough as it is. It might be linked to the relevant point that biologically speaking she isn't his. A lot of bad behaviour on here by SC is usually defended by "she's his child for the love of good" but actually that's not true in the situation. You have two kids that aren't his in the mix and ones getting preferential treatment.

I think he pays because he views her as his, which actually I'm not sure how I would feel about that if I'm honest. It probably wouldn't bother me if he was pulling his weight financially with me, and treating the kids as equal. To me anyway it would feel like he's buying time with this child which would also account for the Disney dad behaviour that's usually triggered by guilt but in this time maybe it's more fear as he's genuinely attached.

However it's a red herring. He doesn't sound kind to you. I think you deserve more kindness xxx

i assume he is playing so nice to her as at any point, the mother could chose to not allow contact couldn't she? So he has no choice but to be a disney dad and pay money to see her.

does the child even know he is not her dad (legally or biologically?)

@burnoutbabe
the little girl thinks that my partner is her real father.

@burnoutbabe

i assume he is playing so nice to her as at any point, the mother could chose to not allow contact couldn't she? So he has no choice but to be a disney dad and pay money to see her.

does the child even know he is not her dad (legally or biologically?)

I agree but there in lies the problem. Disney dad behaviour can usually be kicked into touch by saying look, you can't lose access, nothing bad will happen if you actually parent properly and it's not good for the child.

That is not the case here which is a added layer of issues that comes with that. I don't blame the op foe feeling backed into a corner.

Mum could stop contact and be done with it.

@Umbalala if you actually read all of my post instead of just picking parts of it to respond to.

Because by cherry picking the bits that suit her narrative, she can project at you. If you take the whole situation correctly into account, she can't project.

You'll see in my post where I say, here's two scenarios. Two. Count them. Two of them. Because all some like to do is pretend they can't read half of what you say in order to make a complete non point because it ignores 50% of the information. But it makes them feel better. Usually because of the way their life has panned out, and you represent the person in their life they're full of bitterness for.

It's not specific to this poster. It's what you get on the parenting boards. Anyone who is (or in your case, isn't but is treated like) a SM is where the first wives pour out their anger about their own situation, on to you.

You've had some great advice on here. Ignore the cherry pickers. They highlight themselves, as you can see, by ignoring half the (very relevant) information. Those are the posts you can skip past.

[quote tiredmummy98]@burnoutbabe
the little girl thinks that my partner is her real father. [/quote]
Well. That's all kinds of wrong. At what point in her life is this little one going to have the rug pulled out from underneath her and learn she's got a biological father elsewhere.

Is it just the girl who has been told this, or did he and the ex fake to everyone that she was genuinely his baby? Does anyone else think he's the biological father? His friends? Family?

[quote tiredmummy98]@burnoutbabe
the little girl thinks that my partner is her real father. [/quote]
Are you sure he's not? If he's able to lie to his "DD" then surely he's able to lie to you too?

I feel like the child is going to go through emotional harm because of the situation
when she finds out the truth one day.
I went through it myself so I put myself in her shoes.
My partner and the child's mother have made out that he is the child's real father on social media and just in daily life in general to strangers etc
But his friends and family know the truth.
And he also told me he wasn't her biological father 6 months after we started dating.

I don't know why you would stay with someone who treats you this way. It's not healthy for anyone.

Do you refuse to acknowledge this little girl as his daughter in real life as well? Because I'd be horrible to you too if you spoke about my daughter this way.

It sounds like you have well passed the point of saving this relationship, too much hostility all round.

So people are essentially bashing op for being a pissed off step mother and glorifying her partner for being ...a step father? The child isn't biologically his and he hasn't formally adopted her which makes him an ex step father. One who treats his partner and her child like shit when his own step child is around.

Do you refuse to acknowledge this little girl as his daughter in real life as well?

No. OP doesn't. OP did quite the opposite, and three years on, is still being treated like this, and is fed up.

Because I'd be horrible to you too if you spoke about my daughter this way.

What way. The factual way. Because OP hasn't done anything wrong. Had a lot of wrong done to her though.

So people are essentially bashing op for being a pissed off step mother and glorifying her partner for being ...a step father?

Welcome to the first wives of Mumsnet

Sounds as if he would still be shit even if the child disappeared.

This is who he is. I’d want better for myself and my child.

It doesn't have anything to do with his child. He is the child's father and has been around from the beginning of her life. Not everyone wants to have a relationship with someone who has extra baggage (meant nicely because having kids does create extra work/things to consider) and that's OK.

However, he treats your poorly in the relationship. His treatment of you is 100% his choice and has nothing to do with his child.

Your attitude towards his child is horrible. You'd be better directing your anger and animosity towards your DP and leaving what is clearly a hostile and unhealthy relationship

Also slightly unrelated but did you meet him OLD? 3 and a half years ago I met a guy OLD who had the exact same scenario as your partner, was raising another man's child with his ex, kid was about 5 and he still saw the child every week... If so that guy seemed nice at first but had a bit of a strange edge to him

I think the fact that she isn’t biologically his is very relevant and he’s an absolute dick for not telling you until 6 months in to the relationship. He did that because he knows full well that realistically it makes him less desirable to potential partners so he feels the need to lie instead.

@ShaneTheThird thank you for your posts and actually seeing my side to things!
And yes OLD is how I met him!

I think that nothing said by the OP thus far suggests that the father has any views of involving the OP in his life as anything more than a romantic partner.. I don't think that being a girlfriend gives you any say in how your adult romantic interests spends his money. The fact that he gives it to support a child that is not his biological child is no different than his giving it to a church in the form of a tithe or spending it on a hobby. He works to earn the money and as such he is entitled to spend it as he sees fit. He is not spending family money; instead he is spending it on what he obviously perceives to be his family.

The OP's issue should not be on how he treats others but instead on how he treats her. If he is demeaning or mistreating the OP, the reason for that behavior is irrelevant. The question is why would the OP continue to accept the up and down treatment. If occasional abuse more tolerable the frequent anuse? Only the OP can determine why she is willing to stay in home where she thinks that she is being abused on a schedule of any kind?