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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner bringing up exs child that isn't his

114 replies

tiredmummy98 · 23/10/2021 22:27

My ex was with his partner when she fell pregnant.

long story short
The baby was not his. (They broke up and she fell pregnant with someone else and when he found out he got back together with her)
He stayed and brought the baby up as his own child and the baby is now 8.
They split up when he was 3. The child even calls him daddy!

but basically
To this day he still gives his ex money every week towards the child, she even asks him every week for it if he forgets to send it! and even he has the child every weekend all weekend.

I think he is a great man for bringing this child up as his own, but the issue is.... when I am around them both he completely changes,

I have a little boy myself from a previous relationship and we both live with my partner but I feel he is completely different towards me and my son to how he is with the little girl. There isn't as much love towards us as there is towards the little girl.

At home he doesn't usually clean up much, doesn't make dinner or do anything much but when his exs child around he changes!
He cleans, he cooks, he acts so perfect. Except towards me! He is also rude towards me infront of his exs child. And I feel uncomfortable being around them both with the way he speaks to me.

I'm not sure what to do as I love him, he is good to me as a partner should be! and I know he loves the girl too. But I'm just tired of him acting so different around me when the child is around.

I try to make her feel welcome, make her dinner, play games with her, take her out shopping etc but his attitude towards me infront of her is really getting me down. I'm not sure why he does it because I try to be my best when she's around :/

It's gotten unbearable I avoid being in the same room as much as I can when she comes over incase something gets said.

OP posts:

hg165 · 24/10/2021 09:53

@Kiduknot this is exactly what I was thinking.

Whether she is biologically his or not is irrelevant. The fact he's bringing her up as his own is admirable and should be seen as a positive.

However, his behaviour towards you is unacceptable. However, I was also wondering if it was in response to how you viewed his relationship with his DD.

Even the fact you mention he acts different towards her than your own son sounds so resentful.

He has been in this girls life since she was born and he loves her like his own DD. It's totally reasonable that he is closer to her than your DS

MolkosTeenageAngst · 24/10/2021 09:54

He doesn’t cook or clean or pull his weight around the house for you, but he is clearly capable because he’ll do it for his daughter. He’s rude and makes you uncomfortable because of the way ge speaks to you.

In what way is he good to you because I can’t see it from your post?

TwinsandTrifle · 24/10/2021 09:55

This isn't about jealousy it is about the OP not understanding why a man who can care properly for a child that isn't biologically related to him is being a shit partner to her.

Ta daaaa!

hg165 · 24/10/2021 09:56

This isn't about jealousy it is about the OP not understanding why a man who can care properly for a child that isn't biologically related to him is being a shit partner to her.

His attitude only seems to change when OP and his DD are both there. That mixed with the fact the jealousy and resentment that OPs post is dripping with has lead us to question if her partners attitude is a result of this

ParmigianoReggiano · 24/10/2021 09:59

I could understand it if he treated the two children differently. But him being rude to you is unacceptable. Tell him you won't put up with it OP.

TwinsandTrifle · 24/10/2021 10:00

All the girl does is highlight the real problem.

He treats you poorly. He treats your child poorly. Then demonstrates that he's very capable of treating someone well, right in front of your face.

No one's asking him to deny the girl anything. Just treat you and you child with the same respect.

TwinsandTrifle · 24/10/2021 10:02

His attitude only seems to change when OP and his DD are both there.

Well yes, it would. That's when OP gets to see the imbalance. His imbalance. His unfair treatment of OP and her son. It's not so glaringly obvious when the girl isn't there.

ImustLearn2Cook · 24/10/2021 10:06

@tiredmummy98 I’ve seen this before when a partner treats his partner badly in front of his kids. It never ends well.

It is a manipulative power play and emotional abuse.

Original poster

tiredmummy98 · 24/10/2021 10:06

@hg165 I have been with this man for 3 years. There was no problem to begin with and treated the child really well and I accepted her.
But as time has gone on the little girl has been quite rude towards me (typical 8 year old attitude) and when I've told her off (I was not harsh whatsoever I simply asked her not to speak to me the way she did)

my partner did not like it and since then he has changed towards me when the little girl is there.

OP posts:

TopCatsTopHat · 24/10/2021 10:10

It's admirable he is a committed father.
I wonder if he does this because he is not in the birth certificate and is worried if the girl tells her mum he really likes her he'd get cut off.
Whatever the reason though if you can't talk to him about it, you can't resolve it and improve it... I wouldn't put up with that because you are fundamentally unwelcome in a significant and important chunk of his life.

hg165 · 24/10/2021 10:11

[quote tiredmummy98]@hg165 I have been with this man for 3 years. There was no problem to begin with and treated the child really well and I accepted her.
But as time has gone on the little girl has been quite rude towards me (typical 8 year old attitude) and when I've told her off (I was not harsh whatsoever I simply asked her not to speak to me the way she did)

my partner did not like it and since then he has changed towards me when the little girl is there. [/quote]
If that was the case, why does so much of your post focus on the fact she's not biologically his, the fact he provides financial support etc.

It's not relevant to the behaviour you do have an issue with. If it doesn't bother you, why mention it?

If this was truly about his attitude towards you and lack of housework etc., it would be a normal 'relationships' post about a lazy partner who you know is capable of more as he steps up when his DD is around

Original poster

tiredmummy98 · 24/10/2021 10:21

@hg165 I mentioned it because I wanted to explain the whole situation and for everyone to get a better understanding to why he's acting this way towards me and then act like a different person to the little girl right in front of my eyes.
As he helps the child's mother financially I don't even know if that was a normal thing to do for a child that isn't biologically yours. That is why I mentioned it.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2021 10:22

Why aren’t you more bothered by him not taking part in the running of your household and being nasty to you in front of your son? You’re letting him treat you like crap and showing your child that’s acceptable.

Do you want him behaving like that towards a partner in future?

TopCatsTopHat · 24/10/2021 10:24

Don't think we need to pick holes in the background op has given, she asking for advice and shared what might be relevant, if she knew exactly what to leave out she wouldn't be asking. Better than being accused of deep feeding later when it turns out it does matter. Which tbh I think it does beverage his parental position may be more precarious not being the biological father and that might make him far less sure of his ground around the girl (and the mothers power over his relationship with her) and therefore more defensive.

Original poster

tiredmummy98 · 24/10/2021 10:25

@TwinsandTrifle

I get it OP. There are two children that aren't biologically his. One he jumps through hoops for. The other he treats differently. And it stings because the one he treats well is completely voluntary, from an ex 8 years ago, and the one he treats poorly is the one he lives with, from you, a woman he is supposed to love.

Both children aren't his. Yet his only focus is the one that also isn't from his partner.

I get why you'd be upset. I think anyone would be, it's not you, it's because of the way he treats your child, you just want the same respect.

And if you say anything, you're the nasty cow who's obviously got a problem with an 8yr old girl, I bet. No, you've got a problem with the way he treats you and your son in comparison.

He will not change, and will gaslight you that you are nasty and jealous, when all you're asking for is the same respect he can clearly show to others.

He's not the one for you. And it's not you, he'll do it to anyone else as well if they had a child.

Thank you! 👏

OP posts:

Monsterpumpkins · 24/10/2021 10:26

You will always be in the side lines op..
Raise your bar..
Ltb. Your dc deserves you to be happy. And you deserve an honest decent man. Which he isn't...
Remember the tidy nice man is the fake.
The twatty lazy one is the true him..

nimbuscloud · 24/10/2021 10:28

I feel sorry for your son. You have choices- he does not.

Snugglemuffin · 24/10/2021 10:32

Oh op, he sounds horrible (to you)!

Why would you want to stay with him? Are you angling for him to cut out his (sort of) dd, so you can stay with him? Because, thinking about it logically, why would you want that? Eliminating aspects of his life that 'make him' horrible to you when the bottom line is that he is being horrible to you! You can't curate his life to make him be nice and respectful to you.

And I think you're mistaken. I don't think he is a good man or certainly not a good partner. He is good to the little girl which is admirable, but not worth being in a relationship with him for!

aSofaNearYou · 24/10/2021 10:35

Can't roll my eyes hard enough at the people pecking away at you for mentioning she is not biologically his.

That's a big thing for any partner to get their head around, and potentially has practical implications on his behaviour. It's incredibly naive to think a partner in this situation will have zero thoughts on the situation. If you make a decision like taking on an ex's child that isn't yours, you need to be prepared for the fact that future partners will have feelings about it, especially if you make the situation strained for them. Stop acting so scandalised that they aren't hero worshipping you for how "decent" you are by complicating your life and then making your girlfriend suffer because of it.

OP, have you tried just talking to him about this? It's not something you should put up with, but could be smoothed out with some firm conversations. Ultimately though he's not doing much to make this relationship worth it.

RandomDent · 24/10/2021 10:37

I think the child is his.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 24/10/2021 10:40

The child is a red herring.
He treats you and your son badly.
That is what you need to focus on.

You and your son deserve better.

MargotEmin · 24/10/2021 10:43

You do accept she is his daughter, right? Because your use of language is really, really strange (borderline hostile).

He is psychologically, socially, emotionally and practically her father.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 24/10/2021 10:43

Does he know how you feel about his child? That it's not his, not normal paying for it etc?

Tbh it's all irrelevant, he's not nice to you or pulling his weight and you can't fully accept his daughter. This relationship is never going to work, just breed more anger,resentment and bad treatment. Time to call it a day.

Umbalala · 24/10/2021 10:49

complicating your life and then making your girlfriend suffer because of it

Just wow. Is this is your view on adopting a child? Or just raising a child who isn’t biologically your own?

stopblowingyournose · 24/10/2021 10:53

Stop being such a doormat.

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