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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner bringing up exs child that isn't his

114 replies

tiredmummy98 · 23/10/2021 22:27

My ex was with his partner when she fell pregnant.

long story short
The baby was not his. (They broke up and she fell pregnant with someone else and when he found out he got back together with her)
He stayed and brought the baby up as his own child and the baby is now 8.
They split up when he was 3. The child even calls him daddy!

but basically
To this day he still gives his ex money every week towards the child, she even asks him every week for it if he forgets to send it! and even he has the child every weekend all weekend.

I think he is a great man for bringing this child up as his own, but the issue is.... when I am around them both he completely changes,

I have a little boy myself from a previous relationship and we both live with my partner but I feel he is completely different towards me and my son to how he is with the little girl. There isn't as much love towards us as there is towards the little girl.

At home he doesn't usually clean up much, doesn't make dinner or do anything much but when his exs child around he changes!
He cleans, he cooks, he acts so perfect. Except towards me! He is also rude towards me infront of his exs child. And I feel uncomfortable being around them both with the way he speaks to me.

I'm not sure what to do as I love him, he is good to me as a partner should be! and I know he loves the girl too. But I'm just tired of him acting so different around me when the child is around.

I try to make her feel welcome, make her dinner, play games with her, take her out shopping etc but his attitude towards me infront of her is really getting me down. I'm not sure why he does it because I try to be my best when she's around :/

It's gotten unbearable I avoid being in the same room as much as I can when she comes over incase something gets said.

OP posts:
Tattler2 · 24/10/2021 15:14

@TwinsandTrifle
In the partner's mind, he does perceive one child as his own.He does not have that same feeling about the OP's child.. His feelings are tied to his perception of his reality and not to the OP's perception of his reality.

If he is nor attempting to monitor or control the OP's spending or parenting , she should probably show him the same courtesy.

OP's relationship with this man would probably be in a better place in these 2 people dated while living apart. Obviously, he is not asking her to be a stepmother to his daughter and it doesn't sound as though he thinks or feels himself to be a stepfather to her son.

If OP is tired of his Jeckyl/Hyde behavior, her ficus should not be on understanding the motivation behind his behaviour but instead on understanding why she stays in a home where she is treated in such a manner. She is blaming the existence of child rather than the man's character for the behaviour.

Surely, living alone is preferable to living with the wrong person.

hg165 · 24/10/2021 15:26

Exactly!

How could you expect someone who has been in a child's life since birth ans bonded with them as tho they are a father, to feel the same way about another child after 2 years just because he's dating the mother.

Other than it not being his sperm, he more or less is this girls dad.

We don't expect a mother to feel the same way about a DSD as we would about her own DD so why would this be any different?

RedMarauder · 24/10/2021 16:18

Put him back on the sea.

He's treating you like a doormat and won't change. You can't control another person.

Also when it is revealed to the child that he isn't her biological father and he hasn't formally adopted her, you will be made the fall guy. This is because if he is nasty to you already he can easily make up more lies to cover his and her mother's deception.

SpaceshiptoMars · 24/10/2021 16:31

Also when it is revealed to the child that he isn't her biological father and he hasn't formally adopted her, you will be made the fall guy.

That sounds horribly plausibleSad

Pinkspecs · 24/10/2021 16:32

@hg165

Exactly!

How could you expect someone who has been in a child's life since birth ans bonded with them as tho they are a father, to feel the same way about another child after 2 years just because he's dating the mother.

Other than it not being his sperm, he more or less is this girls dad.

We don't expect a mother to feel the same way about a DSD as we would about her own DD so why would this be any different?

Totally agree. It's not in the least bit the same!

I actually find it really strange how some people on here can't understand how someone can love a child that isn't biologically their own enough to be their parent.

This man told OP he had this child when they first met it doesn't matter if he is biologically related or not, OP can't expect him to change what he does for his daughter because she doesn't like it.

Posters here actually thinking that the OP gets to decide whether he pays maintenance is bonkers.
Because of it being 'family money' NO she knew he had a child, he can pay her maintenance as he always has done it's controlling to think you can tell someone how to spend their money particularly when you knew before you got into the relationship.

Op either accepts his child or she doesn't.
It's seems as they are polar opposites when it comes to this little girl then it won't work and OP certainly shouldn't think she can come in and change it all because she doesn't like it.

SpaceshiptoMars · 24/10/2021 16:45

@tiredmummy98

Did your DP move into your home, and is that where access occurs? Does he pay his share of the bills? Do you feel you are just there to enable the access and provide a roof/meals/laundry service?

Original poster
tiredmummy98 · 24/10/2021 16:49

@Pinkspecs
It looks like you've completely read my post completely wrong. Not once have i stated I don't accept the child and I don't want her around.

I said the issue is how my partner changes and acts like a different person when the child is around. If you read the previous comments or even read my post PROPERLY you'll see I posted the entire situation so people can understand where I am coming from.

This isn't me bashing about the little girl being in my partners life.
It's me being pissed off and confused with him.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 24/10/2021 16:52

@hg165 he isn't the girl's dad.

This is because he is lying to her.

If he wants to have a father-daughter relationship with a child that isn't biologically his, with a child he hasn't legally adopted and with a child he isn't legally fostering then he needs to tell the child the truth.

I know a handful of people who call their step-father, whether their mum is/was married to them or not, or foster father their "dad" but in each case they know the truth.

Anyway the OP needs to leave them to their lies and deception and get away from this nasty man.

lunar1 · 24/10/2021 16:56

Would it kill you to refer to her as his daughter rather than the child?

Helpimfalling · 24/10/2021 16:58

@CallMeNutribullet

You're very focused on this being his ex's child, him paying maintaining etc etc. As far as he's concerned this little girl is his daughter even though she's not biologically his. The important thing is that he's treating you badly and that should be a reason to leave. It's not his daughter's fault.
This
Pinkspecs · 24/10/2021 17:08

"This isn't me bashing about the little girl being in my partners life."

You can't even call her his daughter, it's his 'exs child' or 'the child'
I would never refer to my stepchild like that it's not nice.

Also you seem in disbelief he should pay maintenance or that she calls him Dad.
You aren't on board.
The bit about him being horrible is the smallest snippet and to be honest if someone spoke about my kid the way you do his I think you can see why that's happening you aren't on board with him having this little girl.

Even so if he really is horrible for no reason move out it's not fair on any of the kids to have an atmosphere like that.

Tattler2 · 24/10/2021 17:10

The status and agreements related to the child's parentage would be related to the biological mother , the putative father ,and the Courts should the question become a legally contested issue.

The OP has no standing related to that issue, and nor does she have any legal standing related to how her partner chooses to spend his money.

The issue in which she has actual standing and a right to question is the issue of how he treats her and the question of why she elects to remain in an environment where she claims to be emotionally abused.

The partner should not be emotionally abusing her that is something that he should not be doing. Choosing to remain in an environment in which she is being emotionally abused is a choice that she is making.

The OP is choosing to remain in that environment. The OP's boyfriend is not holding her hostage. She instead of removing herself for this environment is choosing to focus on aspects of his life and resources allocation that have nothing to do with her.

Rather than fixing her situation and removing herself from an emotionally abusive situation ,she is focusing on his life rather than on
providing a different and healthier life for her self and her child.

What makes it reasonable for her to focus more on her boyfriend's life rather than on her own poor decision making. That is the area over which she has control and the area that she can fix.

Umbalala · 24/10/2021 17:11

@lunar1

Would it kill you to refer to her as his daughter rather than the child?
This
CallMeNutribullet · 24/10/2021 17:14

[quote tiredmummy98]@Pinkspecs
It looks like you've completely read my post completely wrong. Not once have i stated I don't accept the child and I don't want her around.

I said the issue is how my partner changes and acts like a different person when the child is around. If you read the previous comments or even read my post PROPERLY you'll see I posted the entire situation so people can understand where I am coming from.

This isn't me bashing about the little girl being in my partners life.
It's me being pissed off and confused with him. [/quote]
Op your thread is literally titled "bringing up ex's child that isn't his" and the vast majority of your post is explaining how the child isn't his.
You clearly aren't OK with that situation but frankly it makes zero difference whether the little girl is his or not: he doesn't pull his weight and treats you like crap. Have you ever addressed it with him?

TwinsandTrifle · 24/10/2021 18:47

Op your thread is literally titled "bringing up ex's child that isn't his" and the vast majority of your post is explaining how the child isn't his.

But it's true, he even lied to OP for the first 6 months, making OP believe it was his biological child. He and the mother are faking that he's the biological father to all and sundry, but worst of all, the child. By all means be an (ex) Stepdad figure, but don't make this little girls life a lie at your preference. He took on the role of stepfather when he was the mother's boyfriend for a couple of years. He's now the ex "stepboyfriendfather", who sees the little girl regularly. But she is not his daughter. He has not legally adopted her. He is literally the mother's ex boyfriend. That's fact. He can view/treat her like a daughter of course. The faking to this little girl, is horrible. How the hell she's going to feel when she finds out. Which she will. Too many friends are in on the secret and it will slip one day. That's going to be one hell of a blow.

Do you live together OP? If so, how long for and in who's house?

shylatte · 26/10/2021 08:53

I think there's several things going on here - you don't seem to inwardly agree with him treating this child as his own, you seem to resent him paying money towards her upbringing. And, you think that as he is treating her ( a non bio person) in a really good way that he should treat you and your dc (non bio people) in the same way.

On a side note, my stepfather used to really change on his contact weekends with his dc, and I noticed that his behaviour towards my dc changed when his bio dgc were around. I think deep down they feel guilty they are investing so much time in someone else's dc when they hardly see their own.

Regardless OP, it doesn't seem this is going to work for you.

ShaneTheThird · 26/10/2021 12:12

The short and short of this is he is raising his ex step daughter and wants to continue. If you and him get married or remain long term committed your son will become his step son, yet it seems there will always be a divide in his opinion between step daughter and step son.

smoko · 28/10/2021 11:01

I wouldn’t date someone who was financially supporting their step child either. I wouldn’t date a parent anymore either though

Don’t blame you for feeling irked about this OP. Yes it shows he is a selfless person but that doesn’t mean you should hitch your wagon to them.

It’s perfectly reasonable to wonder if you were to work out long term , then this setup could complicate things for you financially

If he lied about him being the biological father then he must realise this is an unusual setup that would be questioned

I wonder what his mates think - that he’s a mug most likely Grin

Tattler2 · 28/10/2021 12:17

@SmoKo
Do you screen your dates as to how they spend their money? If you are simply dating someone and they can afford the particular date, when, why, and how do you bring up the status of their finances?

You make an interesting point ,and I often wonder based upon Sony of the issues presented on the site exactly when do you transition from being a girlfriend to becoming a person who has a say in how the person that you are dating spends his money?

It seems as bit presumptuous to think that as a girlfriend you should have a say in how someone else allocates resources to which you do not contribute or earn.

Lampzade · 28/10/2021 12:20

He is not good for you- he disrespects you
You are not good for him because you don’t accept his HIS daughter .,
Split up

smoko · 28/10/2021 13:02

@Tattler2 I screen dates on things like
Parental status
Identifying as a “Gamer”
Certain Social/political views

Probably need more, haven’t dated since Covid so I forget

smoko · 28/10/2021 13:06

Also if they smoke ice (meth) or cokehead/heroin user obviously
Alcoholic too of course

Finding out someone pays for a child who is not theirs would be someone wouldn’t want to pursue!

People are free to spend money how they like

It doesn’t mean you should settle, that person obviously isn’t right for you!

Someone who had chosen to pay for a child who wasn’t theirs is a mug to me. So no I wouldn’t want to date them, However admirable they may seem to society

smoko · 28/10/2021 13:06

Oh and animal haters of course !

Everybody screens

That’s what dating is ?

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/10/2021 18:08

Someone who had chosen to pay for a child who wasn’t theirs is a mug to me. So no I wouldn’t want to date them, However admirable they may seem to society

I wouldn't want the potential complications down the line - being held to ransom for access is highly likely. So, yes, if the date was upfront about it, it would be a no from me. In this case, the DP also pretended it was his little soldiers that were on display and in good working order! Fertility is the headline positive attribute for a single dad - so he was running a scam here.

candlelightsatdawn · 28/10/2021 19:43

Actually there's a point what if bio dad wants to come back into the picture. He would by rights be entitled to see his child.
Then op and bf would have to deal with that fall out.

It give me the ick he lied to OP about it. It's one of those things that your allowed to go yes not for me, he took that choice away. How is that honourable.

This isn't op isn't accepting his daughter 🙄 it's just op has the ick because he lied about it being his biological daughter and doesn't seem to think there anything morally wrong in doing this to a child. It's all rainbows now but at some point the truth will come out. Financially and care wise, it's what's best for the mum now Brillant . But it's not in the best interests of the child to lie now or at any other stage in her life. It will cause a lot of mental damage to a child later on in life.

How aren't people seeing that

Then your gonna have a very upset person on your hands, and the OP by definition will be complicit.