Use of the term 'stepmother' in the press

[CornishGem1975]

Just reading up on the awful awful death/murder of Arthur Labinjo-Hughes at the hands of his father and his father's girlfriend.

The headlines all wildly proclaim that he was murdered by his 'stepmother' yet we are repeatedly told on MN that we are categorically NOT stepparents unless we're married and should not refer to ourselves as that.

Do they use the term stepmother because of the negative connotations that it conjures up? ie we're all wicked people, out to torment our stepchildren and make their lives a living hell?

The best thing about this is that she will never see her kids again. I can’t imagine what they had to see poor little Arthur go through.

I think many people just use stepmum/stepdad regardless of marriage these days.

It's just a quick way of explaining who someone is in relation to someone else. I don't necessarily think it's always emotive.

I have followed this story with the same horror and disbelief as everyone else, I think. I look at my own gorgeous step children and wonder how anyone could do what she did? Just how? I know we're all wired differently but she must be cold and dead inside.

Regarding the use of the word "stepmother":

It's an unfortunate part of being a step mother; that we are vilified.

The grandmother described her as "wicked and evil" and the press have been running it as "wicked stepmother" for the last 2 days. It sticks in my craw too, of course. It gives us all a bad name. But she is wicked. She's truly wicked.

Most children are not abused by their parents and step parents, but still now, many are. And the Covid has made situations worse for thousands of children, as well as making the abuse more difficult to spot due to us all being locked away. This little boy's case has only been brought to our attention because he is dead.

The headlines are awful, but if they capture attention they have worked, and if they have worked they may save other children before they are dead.

I said to my own husband yesterday "What would we have done if we were the hairdresser and her husband? If we were friends with someone doing that to their son? Would we have stood quietly by and let them leave with that boy?" And my husband said "I'm sorry to think we probably would. We'd likely have let them leave and just called social services the next day. Most people would. But now we wouldn't. We wouldn't even let them leave with him."

And he's right, you know? We often don't want to "interfere" but this story has made me really think.

I see what you mean... she wasn't technically his stepmother. But can't say it's the primary concern obviously.

They could just say "his father's partner".

How about we just call her what she is? A murderous evil woman who thought an innocent six year old was getting in the way of her new relationship and who set about excluding him from family activities, then moved on to torturing, abusing and eventually murdering him. It is honestly one of the most terrible stories I've ever heard of.

But you're right, she isn't a stepmother, technically. She's barely human afaic. Hope she has an awful life. She deserves it.

I think @PeeAche it's the whole see no evil, speak no evil and hear no evil.

We are conditioned to not make a fuss, to close our eyes and pretend it's not happening. Someone else will catch it.

There's gonna be a lot of people using one women's evil actions as a reason to hate on all SMs. This women wasn't deserving of the title women, let alone anything else.

I have seen many times on this board girlfriends of people who have children, refer to those children as SC and themselves as SM. If they refer to themselves as such, and come to the step mum forum to complain about their situation then why would you question this title being attributed to them.

This thread right here also feels a bit like some SMs here wanting to disassociate themselves from this case, through some terminology. She is an evil woman and hope she suffers the worst fate imaginable for doing what she did to that poor little innocent being.

Regarding terminology, she was de facto the woman who was the "mother" figure in that house and what she is called does not matter. Also sorry i dont want to offend anyone here, but i have to say this. If she came to this forum saying, i dislike having my SS at home, cant stand him etc there would be loads of people saying it is perfectly normal, have a cup of tea, your job is not to love him, SMs dont usually love their SC anyway, it is so unnatural to do so etc. In fact I remember a lovely woman here saying some months ago "my SC makes my skin crawl" and to some that was so natural. When some people questioned the use of this sentence, they were shut down, saying lets not focus on terminology, it is just one thing she said she didnt mean it...See the contradiction regarding terminology there?

I feel it should really be the duty of a SM forum to encourage love and harmony rather than normalise "skin crawling"

@HumpreyDowny your not a step parent are you ? Sigh. We are repeatedly told that if your not married on here your not a SM so the person who killed that little boy was the dads gf. That is a fact since legally they weren't married. She wasn't this little boys step mum according to all the people who come here and tell OPs just that.

But now in this case it's allowed because this women is evil ? Come on.

There are also a lot of people who are using the death of a little boy to say this is why all SM are evil. Your post is just as such a case. The fact that statically your more likely to be killed by your mum or dad than a step parent completely gets ignored.

That post you are referring to was a SM asking for help as she knew her feelings weren't great and was looking to change it. and get advice. She was clearly suffering from really poor mental health which pretty much every poster pointed out she needed help for

Some poster took extra pleasure in picking at the words she used and offering no help and obviously showing enjoyment at obviously distress at how she was feeling.
If you do this then you are showing all the same enjoyment at someone's suffering as this women clearly did towards the child that was killed.

Also if you notice, I don't just object to her being called a step mum, I object to her being lumped in with the female population but read what you want to read.

There are also a lot of people who are using the death of a little boy to say this is why all SM are evil

I'm sure

But...tbh, I do find this a little bit in poor taste. There are a lot of complaints on this board about how stepmums (or women whose partners have kids from a previous relationship) are very hard done by and usually I am supportive... I think this thread is reaching a bit and exploiting this awful incident to prove how hard step mums have it. It doesn't sit right with me.

But making out that all step mums are anything like that evil woman is clearly not on either.

@PennyOnThePlusSide I am a step mum and I find this thread cuts a little close to the bone for me too.

That said, people have thoughts and come here to share them. We all weigh in, (some nicely and some not so nicely) and it gives us all something to think about.

I'm sure OP's first thoughts weren't of herself and Mumsnet when she heard about poor Arthur. But with time to digest, she's had a personal reaction to it and come here to see if other people agree. That's the nature of this forum.

I think this story has resonated with all of us but it definitely has another element to it for step mums.

My DSC came home from school today and asked about it. I talked to them a little about how sad it is, but that I couldn't explain the details of the case to them because it's too grown up. They specifically said "it was their step mummy wasn't it?" And it cut me up big time.

That poor little boy. I wish someone could have shown him how good a stepparent can be.

It doesn't sit right with me that this women is classed as a women tbh.

My quote you quoted was because there's a whole new thread going on on aibu which is basically saying the reason why this little boy died was because of blended families - which the pp was on.

From my experience with working within social services (many moons ago) that actually that wasn't the case. Most of the horrific cases were perpetrated by family members usually and I say this with massive dolp of salt, the men in the children's lives. So It doesn't sit right with me that people start assigning characterises to titles because that little boy died because these people regardless of title, were actually evil.

@candlelightsatdawn - is that thread still up on AIBU? I can't find it and... well I'm just curious to see it.

@PeeAche it's titled "To think letting people need to stop letting strangers live with their children" I would link but I'm on the app and I'm clearly being dim as can't link.

Ironically I stumbled on to it to agree with the sentiment in the titled until I read what it was about. Depressing read by all accounts.

Was about to say, the title does sound pretty reasonable, but I'm guessing not so once you get in there!

@PennyOnThePlusSide some extreme views, some more rational some, just barking (the comment marriage protects children against abuse was my current favourite barking one)

My problem with the whole thing is reading more about the story, this "dad" would have continued to torture this little one regardless of the GF I wonder how long it would have gone on for ? Everyone's saying they knew and finger pointing everywhere but nothing ? And I do wonder whether abusive people attract other abusive people ? Like some type of magnet.

As a mum if I got a whiff of trying to rush to blend, I would have ran a mile screaming which is what brought me to the thread but man alive "going to church" being mentioned as a protective factor made me feel tad sick. Given the catholic church's history.

Anyway this story I just can't imagine. I don't want to even think of the horrors. Poor little boy 💐

It’s the press and the press will title whatever they wish to, in order to drive clicks.

The reality is, that with the mother in prison for murder, when the father of this child made the decision to move in with this woman, he gave her a lot of rights - including leaving his son in her care. So she was his defacto mother, because he gave her those rights.

It’s not the title of step mother (per se) that bothers me. It’s the focus that this woman is getting. (Vs. the father).
Press have quoted an ex of this woman. Saying that she was highly manipulative. She’s been picked apart by the press. Fine - she’s a vile excuse of a human being.

The father (in comparison) is being drawn as some ‘victim’ of this woman. Certainly in some of the articles I have read, he has come off lightly. When the cold hard reality is that his number one responsibility should have been to his child. The minute he sensed his child was being abused, this woman should have been gone.
Not only did he not do that, he was complicit / a driving factor in the abuse his child sustained, which horrifically ended in this child’s death.

This woman was only able to do what she did because the father enabled it. Why the press aren’t hammering down on him further for his role in all of this is beyond me.

Poor little soul. Whatever her technical status, I hope she doesn’t sleep easy for the rest of her life.

Just how, how, could an adult do what she did to a child?

@sassbott I completely agree with your post. I wish he could be charged with murder by proxy. The very word "manslaughter" has led many people to believe she is worse than him but they did this together. It was clearly premeditated to some degree. He's as rotten as she is.

His brother is in the news today, saying she turned him into a ghost of himself, because she was so manipulative and "cold". As though this some how absolves him of the murder of his child.

If you haven't already watched it, (and even if you have) see the body cam footage of her talking to the police. He's pacing in the background, pulling at his own hair and looking at the floor.

He doesn't look one bit upset that his son is dead but, he does look panicked. His face says "she took it too far and now I'm going to prison"

She's rotten but so is he. The blame here is not a pie to be sliced up - he's absolutely as culpable as she is.

I got a top tip for you, go on webskeleuths and search up stepdad or atepmom, will bring up hundreds of cases of murdered kids, typically mum's bf killing. Too many kids, too any bullshit stories. Let me introduce you to lonzie barton

The thing I haven't followed closely enough with this case is why it is that the lady got charged with a greater offence, and has received a longer sentence than the actual dad. Grateful if someone could enlighten me briefly.

@Starseeking

The thing I haven't followed closely enough with this case is why it is that the lady got charged with a greater offence, and has received a longer sentence than the actual dad. Grateful if someone could enlighten me briefly.

Well, she was the one who actually killed the poor child. Her boyfriend was not there when she did it.

@candlelightsatdawn I found and read the thread.

One curious thing that stood out to me was the frequency with which the boy's father is referred to as his biological father. Whilst there are still users correcting the use of the phrase bio-mum.

Obviously both are tosh. But it's a peculiar double standard and does link back to the original subject of this thread.

Overall, I agree with the sentiment that parents are too often too eager to move in with new partners. My own step children received a new "dad" in their mum's house at the start of the lockdown. They hadn't met him before he moved in and the last boyfriend had only moved out at Christmas.

Obviously it is a poor choice to do this - but it's reductive to say all step parents are bad because of situations like this, or tragedies like Arthur's story.

The worst comment was "and then they (dads) gift the new gf a new baby because they feel like they should"

🙄

Thanks @PennyOnThePlusSide, I hadn't picked that up, and had just thought they were in it together.

Very sadly a child is killed in their own home every week and most don't get any press attention at all.
I think that one of the reasons this has so much coverage is because it was the 'stepmother' and it makes a good headline. So incredibly tragic.

@Starseeking, I think they only got such similar sentences because he had done so much in the run up by poisoning him, beating him and he also egged her on to hurt him. It's just such a terrible thing. I'm glad so many people are talking about it, as it means they won't be able to just dissappear into the prison system. Hopefully it will make people more alert to red flags as well. There were so many in this case.

@Starseeking that "female" was the one who did the finial act leading to his death.

Although the list of what the dad over a sustained period was so horrific. It's clear at some point if she didn't kill that little boy, he would have.

@PeeAche I totally agree tbh I knew my DH years before we got together and even then after everything I was fairly wary (call me gun shy). However I do think it's more complicated than what's being said on that thread, I do think that financially being single is harder, lack of support for single parents and skyrocketing childcare costs have contributed to it and of course Covid rules. A lot of these factors come into play when people move in and if we truly want to reduce speed, then we have to look at what we can do to help.

And yes the gift of a new baby comment 🙄. The first wives club are out in force on the thread to bash single and step parents alike. However again it misses the point. This guy was a turd. He could have waited 100 years and still probably end up killing his child or finding another person on the same abusive level as him.

I don't ever wish boldly harm on another human but I have scrapped that rule for both of them !