SD not wanting to stay - co-sleeping arrangements

[farme]

Just looking for some advice.....

My SD (8) is refusing to stay over at ours and my DH is heartbroken. She had phases of this off & on as she says she misses her mom and likes to be with her.

I think one of the factors is that her BM lets her co-sleep with her if she wants. It isn't necessarily every night but she seems quite flexible about it to the point I think it's making SD view us as being too strict in comparison.

SD has her own room at her BMs but from what I gather she sleeps in it some nights for the full night, sometimes she falls asleep in her own bed but wanders through to her mums bed, and other nights she just decides she wants to sleep in her mums bed!!

Surely this isn't healthy for a just turned 8 year old? I think it's really affecting her development and impacting her bond with DH & I as she seems overly close with her BM. Would it be wrong of DH to bring this up with her as she is effectively babying an 8 yr old child and stopping her from becoming independent

DHs exW has never moved on and met someone new so that's why she's happy to co-sleep.

Actually @aSofaNearYou, I think the OP has shown quite a lot of contempt for her SD's mother. It's dripping through almost every post.

I am not projecting in any way that makes me look for evidence of this. I am still married to my dd's father and neither of us have children from other relationships, so I am not biased towards either party iyswim. I am just saying what I see.

The OP is seeking to blame the mother for the lack of a close relationship between the child and her father, by accusing her of being too close to her daughter. That strikes me as ridiculous and she is clearly missing the point that the father is the one who needs to make changes to fix this relationship. He could start by showing some basic respect for his child's feelings.

@AlexaShutUp

Actually *@aSofaNearYou*, I think the OP has shown quite a lot of contempt for her SD's mother. It's dripping through almost every post.

I am not projecting in any way that makes me look for evidence of this. I am still married to my dd's father and neither of us have children from other relationships, so I am not biased towards either party iyswim. I am just saying what I see.

The OP is seeking to blame the mother for the lack of a close relationship between the child and her father, by accusing her of being too close to her daughter. That strikes me as ridiculous and she is clearly missing the point that the father is the one who needs to make changes to fix this relationship. He could start by showing some basic respect for his child's feelings.

Again, can you quote any of this supposed contempt? It really isn't there. It is perfectly normal and non contemptuous to theorise about whether an older child with separation anxiety might be too dependant on their parent and it might be doing them a disservice. You can disagree with that conclusion, of course, but it is not "clearly dripping with contempt" in the slightest.

You seem to have very rigid and prescriptive ideas of how things should be- children shouldn't sleep in their parents beds/ women haven't moved on if they're not in a relationship etc.

It doesn't seem to have occurred to you that the mum might not be introducing anyone exactly because she's protective of her daughter either.

The mum was absolutely right to push so that collection is in the evening if the child is finding the alternative distressing.

And she definitely shouldn't be the one manhandling the girl so that she goes to her dad, it's bad enough the dad's doing it.

She's her mum not her bio mum.

Its perfectly normal at that age. You sound jealous. It's ridiculous to suggest shes too close to her mum.

Contact shouldn't be forced. It should be about her rights not yours. Its supposed to be for her benefit. Perhaps she simply prefers her mum. She's entitled to her feelings.

I don't have a personal stake in this, so I see it more as a generational/class issue. Ask your grandparents if co-sleeping was a thing when they were young. I'd guess many would tell you it was a mark of extreme poverty to have different generations in one bed.

And more recently, if you were a family that intended to send children to public school, you'd encourage separate sleeping early on. It would render them liable to ridicule if you co-slept until the day they left to board at prep school.

I would also hazard a guess that the 50/50 and EOW arrangements were originally dreamt up by public school veterans.

I imagine the mum could have very little appetite to embark on another relationship if her ex cheated on her with the OP. Infidelity can have that effect.

it just doesn't seem right that she favours one house over the other as she is allowed to sleep with her mum and has stricter rules here

It's very common for parents to have different rules at each of their houses. Children often have different rules between home and school and cope fine. It seems unfair to your h that rules around sleep are laxer at his ex's house but it would be unfair to expect the ex to follow your h's rules too.
Of course dsd will favour the house where her anxiety around sleep is catered for. I'm not saying that your h needs to cosleep too but it's natural to favour the home where she doesn't have to think about sleep as she can sleep wherever.
It's also very common for kids with divorced parents to get upset at the thought of going but have a perfectly fine time away from the primary parent. Also it's my experience that enthusiasm for contact happens in waves and sometimes it's much harder for the child and perhaps sensitivity around sleep wouldn't go amiss- especially when she's rapidly approaching an age where a judge would say it's up to her whether or not to see Dad at all (about age 12)

@CandyLeBonBon

I imagine the mum could have very little appetite to embark on another relationship if her ex cheated on her with the OP. Infidelity can have that effect.

I'm not the morality police, but I can see nothing in the OP's posts that justifies your OW assumptions.

1. It can take years sorting out the financials etc. between separation and divorce. Whether you believe you are free to start another relationship in that period is up to you.

2. People can also meet in quite innocent capacities - working together, for instance. Just because you've 'met' someone doesn't imply you're in a personal relationship.

@jelly79

I've never read such a infuriating post. Who are you to judge the closeness of their relationship, where the child sleeps when she is home with her mum, whether the mum has moved on or not

All absolutely non of your business

'DH' needs to start exploring what he can do differently rather than ways to blame his ex

You need to put your claws away. She is her mum.

This.

OP, if you're honest with the information you give then you'll get much clearer advice.
You obviously are the OW from what you have posted and now you're embittered to not have the closeness of the relationship she has with her mother.
The way in which you post is so resentful of her mother and calling her "overly close"
Her mother is the primary carer, the one who carried her, the one who is presumably always there.
Perhaps if you focused on what you and your DH could do to make your home more comfortable for her than blaming her mother (who appears to be doing everything to encourage contact) then you might start to get somewhere.
Your thread is SO unbelievably infuriating.

Again, can you quote any of this supposed contempt? It really isn't there.

I think it is.

The use of the bizarre term BM for example, instead of just acknowledging that she is the child's mum.

The use of the term "babying" and implying that the mother's close relationship with her child is unhealthy and somehow impacting on the child's development. Use of the phrase "overly close" as if being close to your own child is some sort of character flaw.

The weirdly judgemental attitude towards the mother's decision not to bring a new partner into her dd's life. The suggestion that this means that she hasn't moved on. The excessive exclamation marks when the OP comments that it has been six years, as if this suggests some sort of deficiency in the mother.

And all of this against the backdrop of an obvious attempt to blame the poor quality of the child's relationship with her father on her mother, as if he couldn't possibly do anything about it.

My 8 year old loves to sleep in our bed some nights, I also used to slip in to bed with my mum until I was 10 or 11. I don’t think it is that unusual.
The ex actually sounds like a good mum tbh and the onus is on your DH to ensure his DC is happy and comfortable to come to your home not on the ex.

I've read the OP's posts but not the full thread
It's not that unusual for a child to be anxious and co-sleeping at this age. It's also not unusual for a child of divorced parents to prefer one home over another. Many kids enjoy predictable routine and familiarity and this is often disrupted if you live between houses
It sounds like your DSD is an anxious child so living like this could well be harder for her than you realise - hence the clinginess to Mum.
Forcing her to come doesn't seem kind, even if it's court ordered. But it's important to keep fostering the relationship between Dad and his daughter.
Rather than overnights, could he switch to just taking her for the day or even part of the day to maintain contact? Let her sleep at the place she feels more secure for now?
I think I would be asking if her anxiety is showing anywhere else or if it's just around sleep. Many children find sleeping alone hard. It's not unusual.

How often do you have DSD to stay? If it's EOW, then I'm afraid I think YABU for expecting DSD's mum to adapt her parenting style (which suits her and her DD) to suit you and your DH. Instead, your DH needs to work on his bond with his DD to find ways to help her settle in his home that don't involve co-sleeping.

Her mum does encourage it and has taken her out in tears before, strapped her into the car seat etc so she has forced it as much as possible. Anytime SD hasn't stayed it's because SD has been so upset that DH has said she could stay with her mum. This has only happened 5 times, all other times he has forced her to go.

Honestly, I'm not sure what more you want DSD's mum to do. It must be horrible for her to have to send her little girl off in tears and know she's going to be upset through the night. And then DSD is probably even more clingy and likely to go into her mum's bed when she gets back from your house. It's probably a vicious circle of DSD being away from her mum, getting upset, not being comforted and then getting back and needing even more reassurance from her primary carer.

Mum, not BM. And what do you mean she never moved on as she never met anyone? Do you think she never moved on from him? A person doesn't need to fill the void that their ex left with another person to distract them to have moved on.

I think I agree with Goldbar unfortunately the insistence on coming to your house is probably making it worse at the moment.
If you can, I would step back and take a compassionate look at what is in the best interest of the child here. Can you have contact without it being overnight for a while?

@farme

Firstly, just because her mum doesn't have a partner it doesn't mean she hasn't moved on. I split up with my ex months ago and I very much prefer not having a partner at the moment. I have moved on fine!

In her case it has been 6 years!!! She's only introduce me one partner she was dating but he never stayed over when she had her DD

My mum waited until I had left home to start a serious relationship because she didn’t want to disrupt mine or my siblings lives.

It’s not unheard of and she most certainly had ‘moved on’.

With regards to your stepdaughter, would it help if she could come and go from your room through the night? You could use a camp bed to avoid physically sharing a bed.

Whats the sleeping arrangments at your house? Our set up is bed beside ours shes 9 next birthday totally fine as its the same set up in her mams as theres no room.
She jumps in beside them when i get up for snuggle time.
Theres a room there for her but we dont force it becoz evenuatly as shes older shel make the change when shes wants to.

^him not them

I love my 8 year old snuggling in my bed. It's not unhealthy at all. I'm not saying she should go in yours but I think your view that it shouldn't be happening at her mums house is nuts

I feel so sorry for this child. She is very close to her mum, and doesn't want to stay over yours. I would take her out for the day and drop her back again. He wants a positive relationship, this isn't going to help.

I think you're kidding yourself if you think and 8 year old isn't aware of the circumstances of her parents' split.

No. I don't think your DH should say anything. I think he should focus on his own relationship with DD and what he could potentially do to make DD more comfortable with staying.

She obviously just likes the comfort of being close to her Mum.

I think they way you refer to her as 'BM' is horrible. They are mother and daughter and completely entitled to their close relationship. Stay the hell out of it. It's none of your business.

@AlexaShutUp

Again, can you quote any of this supposed contempt? It really isn't there.

I think it is.

The use of the bizarre term BM for example, instead of just acknowledging that she is the child's mum.

The use of the term "babying" and implying that the mother's close relationship with her child is unhealthy and somehow impacting on the child's development. Use of the phrase "overly close" as if being close to your own child is some sort of character flaw.

The weirdly judgemental attitude towards the mother's decision not to bring a new partner into her dd's life. The suggestion that this means that she hasn't moved on. The excessive exclamation marks when the OP comments that it has been six years, as if this suggests some sort of deficiency in the mother.

And all of this against the backdrop of an obvious attempt to blame the poor quality of the child's relationship with her father on her mother, as if he couldn't possibly do anything about it.

None of that is "dripping contempt". A bit judgemental, a bit presumptuous, maybe, but not contemptuous.

You don't help your argument by starting in on the BM thing, she obviously didn't know some find it offensive and many, many people don't, hence why it comes up so often on here.

It is common for people to think attachment parenting and it's associated traits can hinder a child's development and make things harder for them. Especially when the child actually DOES show a great deal of distress when separated from the parent who does things this way. Whether you agree or disagree with that viewpoint, it does not automatically mean everyone who thinks that way is "dripping with contempt" for people that parent this way. They just disagree with the parenting approach, and are (perhaps) being a bit judgemental about it.

The hyperbole on this thread is really extreme and it's not very helpful, there is much more contempt in the comments than there is in any of OPs posts.

You know how the mother has no say in how her ex parents their child during his time.

You have no business dictating what you think your DSD’s mum should be doing during her time.

My two older ones would climb into bed till they were around 10/11 they’re all healthy happy well balanced and independent young adults now and sleeping in their own beds.

The father in this case needs to concentrate on his own or eying and bond with his child. He should be engaging with his daughter and building a loving relationship with her. Not trying to rip apart the close bond his child has with her mother.