Date night with CSA

[mommabear2386]

we have heard back from CSA and mum has to pay wait for it.... £38 a month for SD to live with us full time. She only wants her EOW, Christmas Eve and day alt years and 'maybe during the holidays but we'll see'
She has cut her phone off and stopped her pocket money and gave it to her brothers as 'they will be doing more round the house' and also stopped her earning a little bit of side money with her auntie (home business) as she's not 'trustworthy or reliable' funny that Suddenly the case isn't it.

So we have got her a contract, upped her pocket money with us (stopped her brothers) my friend has taken her on for babysitting one afternoon per week so she's got her earnings back. Just a massive F U to mum, anything you break we will go out of our way to fix for this girl. (If anyone has read my previous thread it's all because SD has dated challenge Step fathers behaviour)

And the £38 is now paying our date night meal out 🤣 and we are going to make sure she knows it!

@WeepySheepy
I assumed the OP was presenting this as a this is what "we" are doing in our household in much the same way that she was presenting the this is how" we" are going to spend the nominal CSA funds.

It all sounds self congratulatory on being a responsible parent, but you are indeed correct. It is only the dad who has the obligation to be a responsible parent.

@aSofaNearYou I see what you’re saying but I don’t think any of those terms aid ‘discussion’. They reduce people to 1 dimensional roles... I’ve been there after my ex left with the OW- I made crazy mental gymnastics to make every tiny thing they did be bad/selfish/wrong when most of the time I was either well off the mark or the stuff was totally irrelevant. In my head I’d reduced them to the 1D roles of dad-who-walks-out and woman-who-doesn’t-mind-breaking-up-family. I was hurt and scared and we all get along fine now. If I still thought if them like that I doubt we would as it would be hard to see the good. And I’m sure if they thought of me as ‘golden uterus’ they’d be questioning every little thing too.

The Mum is giving more to the boys not because they are doing chores but to rub it into her daughter that she’s a horrible ungrateful person who doesn’t deserve pocket money so your brothers who show respect to your stepdad will get your share too
Who said though? The SD who is very angry with mum and maybe missed the real reason why this has been done.

That's the problem with these situations. It's so easy to see everything black and white when un all likelihood, it's more a shade of grey.

What if they fit it wrong and he is indeed getting more pocket money because he is picking up his sisters' chores? What will he think of his dad stopping his just to make a point?

What happens in the other household should be irrelevant to the decision made at yours because you never fully know what happens in the other home.

@5thnonblonde

Plus the whole golden uterus shit... there’s isn’t a similar term for men, is there. In general that means it’s a pejorative term to shut women up. Women with perfectly reasonable questions or objections can be silenced with the term which reduces them to their sexual organs- it’s basically calling them Hysterical- a term that’s now considered deeply misogynistic. There are plenty of non gendered terms to use for narcissistic self centred actions so why not use them?

We have names for certain types of fathers on this part of MN.

You only clearly posted here to have a go at the OP.

@RedMarauder no it was a second post aimed more at the discussion. Yeah I do find the OP’s approach a bit off but no one should post here if they only want to hear how great they are- it’s not a realistic expectation.

The mum has shown every tendency to punish the stepdaughter for adult interpersonal dynamics. She is clearly being scapegoated (the stepdaughter). For this reason I would avoid dropping to the Mum where that 38 quid is going, no matter how good it would feel. Because Mum will find a way to take her anger out (for the humiliation of it) on the step daughter.

OP, you have done beautiful things and rescued a vulnerable party. Kudos to you. As they say, the best revenge is living well, be happy and live well. You have won, your SD has won. Forget the Mum, be glad to leave her as far behind you as possible.

@vivainsomnia you may not remember the first thread. Some of us do and that’s really not what it said happened.

You have won, your SD has won

FFS. There is no game to win. The SD has hardly come out on top when her relationship with her mum is compromised so badly and she has less and less contact with her siblings. That’s not a win.

Children get well and truly fucked over when winning is part of the mix.

Exactly monster if op was saying she'd done this to her male ex this would have been lapped up and celebrated!

There is huge defence of men who pay the CMS calculated minimum, including those who are self employed or who give up work to care for a second family. Presumably the amount calculated is based on the ex’s earnings and as such, is the correct maintenance to be paid. Why defend men who pay the calculated minimum but berate a woman for the same?

Getawaywithit,

Removing someone from an abusive situation and restoring things to them that someone else wants to deny them out of spite is definitely a win. Any life situation where kindness triumphs is a win. It doesn’t have to be a win at another person’s expense, there doesn’t have to be a loser, unless you need to see every win in life as coming at another’s expense. Some things are just...wins.

Don't get the problem with the pocket money, no one is having money withdrawn, they are both getting the same amount just one parent is paying one child and one parent the other what's the problem?