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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Date night with CSA

86 replies

mommabear2386 · 05/10/2021 14:58

we have heard back from CSA and mum has to pay wait for it.... £38 a month for SD to live with us full time. She only wants her EOW, Christmas Eve and day alt years and 'maybe during the holidays but we'll see'
She has cut her phone off and stopped her pocket money and gave it to her brothers as 'they will be doing more round the house' and also stopped her earning a little bit of side money with her auntie (home business) as she's not 'trustworthy or reliable' funny that Suddenly the case isn't it.

So we have got her a contract, upped her pocket money with us (stopped her brothers) my friend has taken her on for babysitting one afternoon per week so she's got her earnings back. Just a massive F U to mum, anything you break we will go out of our way to fix for this girl. (If anyone has read my previous thread it's all because SD has dated challenge Step fathers behaviour)

And the £38 is now paying our date night meal out 🤣 and we are going to make sure she knows it!

OP posts:
Mumoblue · 06/10/2021 08:51

@sassbott Golden uterus? We’re calling women uteruses now, are we? Hmm

OP you’ve clearly got a complicated situation going on there, but I’d resist the urge to be petty if I were you. Point-scoring just takes you down to her level. And handing her any kind of evidence you aren’t spending the CM on the child doesn’t sound like the smartest of moves, either.

Trust me, I get that it’s frustrating. My ex sends me £30 a month and never has DS overnight, not even once.

Youseethethingis · 06/10/2021 09:14

It seems a few people need to Google "golden uterus syndrome" Hmm

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/10/2021 09:31

If a step-parent isn't allowed to vent on a step-parenting forum, then where else, without paying for the privilege?

The pocket money thing does sound a bit weird, because the sons might not get it completely, but it's tiny in relation to the whole boiling.

Teenage daughter has been thrown out in the middle of a school year, and OP and father live a considerable distance from her school. OP is now tasked with finding a way of getting DSD to school and back every day. And EOW, DSD has to share a room with tiny infants - so not much sleep there for her, I guess - just the role of the unpaid night nanny.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 06/10/2021 09:33

It’s not for the op to organise getting the child to school. That’s on her dad.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 09:33

@SpaceshiptoMars what a nightmare!

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/10/2021 09:35

The bit that I find funny (in a sad sort of way) is that the mum's new partner has been swinging his dick as the big provider. Hey, big spender!

Sarah2384 · 06/10/2021 09:39

And the £38 is now paying our date night meal out 🤣 and we are going to make sure she knows it!

Poor child. How's that going to improve her relationship with her mum? By all means spend the money on what you like, providing SD isn't going without, but don't make her difficult relationship with her mum even more difficult. Grow up and PUT THE CHILD FIRST, for goodness sake.

Wtfdoipick · 06/10/2021 09:50

@Bigeggsinapackoften

It’s not for the op to organise getting the child to school. That’s on her dad.
The op and her dh are a team and are working together for the best for this child so yes the op has taken on that task as she's a decent person who doesn't shrug her shoulders and say not my problem.
WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 09:57

@Bigeggsinapackoften

It’s not for the op to organise getting the child to school. That’s on her dad.
It's "on" dad & mum but mum has given up on her child for some bloke so it sounds like OP, has very kindly stepped in. As long as OP isn't doing anything she doesn't want to and dad understands she's doing a massive favour and doesn't take it for granted then I don't see what the problem is.
NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN · 06/10/2021 09:59

This feels so toxic on both parts. I just feel for the poor kids

funinthesun19 · 06/10/2021 10:04

I thought RPs were allowed to put the maintenance money in to the pot and spend it however they see fit so long as the child is provided for?
Or does that not apply when the RP has a penis?
Just a golden uterus.
Men have to ring fence every penny of maintenance and they can’t organise their money how they see fit? Even worse when a stepmum is part of that eh?

And I think the pocket money thing is fair enough if the mum isn’t giving her daughter any. Why should the sons get double?

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 10:06

Men have to ring fence every penny of maintenance and they can’t organise their money how they see fit? Even worse when a stepmum is part of that eh?

Yes golden penises must have a spreadsheet and account for every single penny they spend on the children so that they can make sure they spend more on the children from the first marriage/relationship. Same goes for floor space.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 10:08

They must also only heat the DSCs room with the maintenance money if that's what they use it for. So all the other radiators off.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 06/10/2021 10:09

@tropicalwaterdiver

You spend CSA money intended for your SD living expenses for your meal out?
But it's totally okay when a mum does it?
5thnonblonde · 06/10/2021 10:38

The point scoring attitude is inappropriate. OP as a stepmom you need to be leaving the door open for SD to rebuild bridges with her mom in time. You seem so invested I’m worried if she decided to move back in or meet up with her mom you’d feel somehow betrayed in this war of tit for tat. She probably doesn’t have any interest in going that now but in a few years she might and I hope the reaction from herDF’shousehold wouldn’t be a mental barrier for her. Ultimately it just seems a really really sad situation which I think is why this glee at getting one over on the mom feels in poor taste.

5thnonblonde · 06/10/2021 11:02

Plus the whole golden uterus shit... there’s isn’t a similar term for men, is there. In general that means it’s a pejorative term to shut women up. Women with perfectly reasonable questions or objections can be silenced with the term which reduces them to their sexual organs- it’s basically calling them Hysterical- a term that’s now considered deeply misogynistic. There are plenty of non gendered terms to use for narcissistic self centred actions so why not use them?

vivainsomnia · 06/10/2021 11:10

I thought RPs were allowed to put the maintenance money in to the pot and spend it however they see fit so long as the child is provided for?
Noone is denying this. Is it normal though to inform the nrp how the money is spent for their own entertainment purposes? What's the point if doing so but to try to wind them up?

As for the golden uterus....threads after threads of SMs complaining of stereotypes and misappropriation of terms, and then you get this!

So much 'do as I say but not as I do'!

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/10/2021 11:11

And the £38 is now paying our date night meal out 🤣 and we are going to make sure she knows it!

Yeah, fun to imagine her face after the nightmare you've all been through.Grin Don't do it though, it won't help!

Anyway, hope you really enjoy every mouthful of that meal. You deserve it. Hopefully, with the space stress lessened in the other household, they may calm down a bit and things generally get easier for you. Somehow I doubt DSD will return to her role of childrens' nanny.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 11:14

Somehow I doubt DSD will return to her role of childrens' nanny. I missed that bit, is that why mum might let her come and visit in the holidays? If so that's shit.

5thnonblonde · 06/10/2021 11:23

@vivainsomnia it’s not a race to the bottom. I’m a SM and a DM as many SMs are. I don’t think dehumanising the SC’s parents helps the SC.

funinthesun19 · 06/10/2021 11:46

is denying this. Is it normal though to inform the nrp how the money is spent for their own entertainment purposes? What's the point if doing so but to try to wind them up?

No maybe there is no need to go out of their way to mention it, but it also shouldn’t be hidden away either to protect the mum’s feelings. She will put two and two together herself that the money she hands over won’t always go on the child as soon as she’s paid it, and that it may be used for other purposes.

timeisnotaline · 06/10/2021 11:57

@vivainsomnia

It's not about the total money you get, it's about what you get from each parent.

It's the sane attitude that if the rp income I created and so can give more to the kids, maintenance should be reduced?

If mum wants to give more to the boy, maybe because he is picking up more chores, what has this got to do with dad?

The Mum is giving more to the boys not because they are doing chores but to rub it into her daughter that she’s a horrible ungrateful person who doesn’t deserve pocket money so your brothers who show respect to your stepdad will get your share too. (Stepdad is much nicer to the boys and a horrible bully to the girl) Chores have nothing to do with it.
Tattler2 · 06/10/2021 12:09

I think that children should have 2 parents who are effective parents who both parent properly.

I don't think that the 1 parent who is being an effective parent is doing anything laudatory or celebratory. They are simply being an effective parent. They have an obligation to be an effective parent. The fact that the mom is a less than effective parent is regrettable, but many children seem to be burdened with ineffective parent/s.

The mom is obviously flawed but the dad meeting his obligation to his child is only that which he should be doing. Parenting is not a competition and one does not become the winner simply by meeting your parental obligation or by taking an in your face stance with the less effective parent.
It is unfortunate that 1 parent is damaging the child and the other thinks that he is doing something praise worthy or exceptional when he does what he as a parent should do.

The OP not only has the child living in her home, but she has accorded the ex a considerable amount of real estate in the OP's head.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 12:14

@Tattler2 I can't see where OP's DH has said that he thinks that he is doing something praise worthy or exceptional.

I think what OP is doing is praise worthy though. She could easily have have said it was nothing to do with her.

aSofaNearYou · 06/10/2021 12:15

@5thnonblonde

Plus the whole golden uterus shit... there’s isn’t a similar term for men, is there. In general that means it’s a pejorative term to shut women up. Women with perfectly reasonable questions or objections can be silenced with the term which reduces them to their sexual organs- it’s basically calling them Hysterical- a term that’s now considered deeply misogynistic. There are plenty of non gendered terms to use for narcissistic self centred actions so why not use them?
I get what you're saying but I think you're barking up the wrong tree here. Golden Uterus Syndrome is a specific term used to describe something specific to women, that is directly to do with how superior they view themselves as the one who grew and delivered the child. There are similar terms used to criticise men due to their common behaviours, such as Disney Dad. Similarly, men who do nothing for their kids are often referred to as "sperm donors" or similar. I understand what you are saying about terms used to shut women up, but I don't think it quite fits here. There are common behaviours on this subject on both sides that are discussed, and need discussing.